Heavy addict's journal, PIED and pelvic floor dysfunction

[KittyHawk]

Hi everyone,
after trying to quit porn for cca 1 year, I decided to try Reboot Nation.
I work on computer so the temptation is always present (I can do incredible things to cheat porn blockers).
But when I am here, thinking about the addiction itself, the urge to use porn is much lower.

I am 31 years old. I was a virgin until 28 and even after that didn't have real sex much. Today I think the main cause to blame for my celibacy is in fact online porn addiction that started developing right after I bought my first personal laptop at age of 18. I am married now and have PIED (porn induced erectile dysfunction). Last October I quit porn... I quit it 100 times since then. Because I never persist.

To cheat myself, I started edging (with false logic that if you don't orgasm, there's no need to reset the clock).

Can't say for sure the porn/edging is the only/main reason but I developed crippling case of pelvic floor dysfunction on February 2016. Sitting for a long time = pelvic pain. Orgasm = pelvic pain. Still, I keep relapsing....I was edging to some porn this morning.

I'll appreciate any moral support. I feel as a weak and bad person. 

 

[humaninprogress]

Hi, KittyHawk. Thanks for sharing. And welcome! There's no simple solution to porn addiction, but coming here, getting support, and being among others struggling with the same thing is a good start.

This journey isn't about being perfect but about getting back up when we fall, no matter how many times that happens. Quitting last October--and 100 times since then--may feel like failure to you, but that's how many of us started out.

If you've been a porn addict for 13 years, recovery isn't going to happen overnight. I'm 38 now and have been a porn addict for 20+ years, but I have had stretches of sobriety, so I know it's possible. For me the trick is to learn everything I can about addiction and about my own personal triggers, those slippery slopes that lead me back into the same old habits time and time again.

Here's an example: I'm most successful when I avoid my triggers entirely. Google image search is a *huge* one for me. I know that if I search for even one PG-13 pic, I'll be off to the races and fall back into PMO every time. So I avoid it. So long as I don't allow myself to use Google image search at all, the chances of my staying sober increase dramatically.

Learn your triggers. They're the secret to your success!

Lastly, two things that have been working for me recently:

1) I created an account on stickk.com (https://www.stickk.com/) that allows me to put real dollars behind my commitment to quit porn. So far it has really helped a lot. Like you, I can find all sorts of ways to cheat porn blockers, so they don't work for me. The idea of losing money when I look at porn, however, does motivate me. If money motivates you, great. If having an external accountability partner review your internet usage, then do that. The point is to find a motivation that is external, beyond sheer willpower. Willpower will increase over time, but typically it isn't enough for most folks to get and stay sober initially once the honeymoon of sobriety fades.

2) I've been learning as much as I can about the addiction/recovery process. Your Brain on Porn (http://yourbrainonporn.com/) is amazing! Knowing the brain science behind porn addiction helps take away some of the feelings of failure and helps answer questions like, "Is edging ok?" The other site that I've learned a lot from is  recoverynation.com (http://www.recoverynation.com/recovery/recovery_workshop_contents.php). It is an alternative to 12 Step recovery, which I tried for my porn addiction for several years about a decade ago without much success. Recovery Nation has a 90 day recovery workshop that lays the foundation for lasting change. I don't follow it religiously, but I do read material from it regularly, and I find it helpful.

Hope this message is at least somewhat helpful. Overcoming porn addiction and PIED is an individual journey for us all, but that doesn't mean we have to do it alone. Best of luck to you in the days ahead. And always remember, "Just one more time" is never just one more time. It just leads to an entire lifetime of "one more times."

Stay strong!!

 

[KittyHawk]

Hello, humaninprogress

Thank you for your response. You are right.... huge part is avoiding the triggers. And for me one PG-13 image is also a big threat.

I also identified most risky times... after waking up, before going to sleep, 4th day of abstinence. That's when I usually relapse.

Today is my 2nd day without porn and 6th day without orgasm.

Funny thing is edging actually is far worse for me than quick porn induced orgasm.
It worsens my pelvic pain more, it make me very nervous.

My goal is not to quit masturbating completely. Just limit it to 2-3 times a week and completely get rid of any artificial visual stimulation.
But at the beginning, I'll try to last also as long as possible without masturbating, as it sometimes is a trigger for relapsing into porn.

 

[KittyHawk]

Hi again,
in the last 3-4 months I relapsed 4-5 times.
Still, it's the smallest amount of porn that I watched in such a long period of time in ages.

I was able to maintain full erection during sex with my wife (first time in years).

I still have a long way to go... I wish a never encountered porn in the first place. My life was ruined by it and nobody will ever return me all that time...completely wasted twenties. 

 

[gazz]

'completely wasted twenties'

Hey mate. Let the past go. When i lament wasted years, or even a wasted morning that I've been PMO'ing, i feel like shit and want to relapse to escape those feelings. the progress you've made is awesome. well done. this is such a hard thing to do, and you're making amazing strides. none of us knew what we were getting into with this. i never took hard drugs in my life, because i'd been told of the consequences. now here i am on a forum trying to deal with an addiction that people are only learning exists. so it's not your fault, and you're being a hero by dealing with it. see it that way. don't waste today, and get excited about the future without PMO. It seems you've already noticed benefits. your body will heal if you stay clean.

 

[KittyHawk]

Thank you gazz,
yeah i never tried even normal cigarette. I somehow knew I have an addictive personality and I better stay completely out of it.

So I have really nothing to compare it to but I think porn might be the strongest drug ever invented. At least for males.

 

[anhaedra]

That's a good observation there... "wasted twenties"... All those wasted years. Feels like that to me, too.

But good thing we found out when we did. We're still in our thirties, if we live healthy lives, we have years and years of good sex ahead of us.

For a lot of people our age here, their twenties were their big denial years. We knew what we did was wrong, but because we were still so young and vital, we got away with it. We could compensate for it. Buried our heads in the sand.

But you decide yourself how you age. Aging is not necessarily bad, as long as you take matters into your own hands. Aging is about learning important life lessons and putting them to use. I've found out that if you exercise a lot, eat healthy foods, and stay away as far as you can from society's so-called expectations (money, marriage, mortgage), you will feel stronger and stronger as you age. You even start to look better. I'm in much better shape than I was in my 20s. Women notice this, too. As long as you don't put on extra weight (fat), we men can remain attractive and handsome right into old age.

That's my philosophy, anyway. Laugh at your failures and shortcomings -- life's a joke anyway.

 

[gazz]

porn might be the strongest drug ever invented

Not as fatal but yeah - I've read, as addictive as the hardest of hard drugs!

 

[KittyHawk]

I relapsed in the last couple of days. And I relapsed hard.

I think my brain even created new pathways to keep me aroused while denying myself P. Now I manage to get a big dopamine rush from writing an erotic story or even just thinking very provocative thoughts in my head.

I am at the point that my addiction seriously threatens my health and ability to earn money.

I am starting 90 days of hard mode today.
This time I will really try to cut any arousal right at the root. No dirty thoughts, no triggers, no "what if I just..."

 

[anhaedra]

Being aroused by provocative thoughts is very much natural and can actually be considered a sign of recovery.

Don't be too hard on yourself.

Appears to me relapsing is often caused by setbacks and disappointments. Maybe if you want to avoid relapses, work on improving other aspects of your life. You need the momentum to reboot.

 

[KittyHawk]

Thanks Anhaedra,
the truth is I had a lot of stress in the past year. Health related, finance related, you name it.
It was a perfect storm and I am working on fixing everything at once, my addiction included.

The problem isn't that provocative thought just pops out in my head... I understand I have no control over that. But sometimes I try to cultivate the thought...continuing the scenario in my mind and use it as a P substitute.

I made a lot of progress in October-February... I could see that I was aroused by soft-core stuff again. But now I feel like being very much back at the beginning.

 

[Orbiter]

Thanks Anhaedra,
the truth is I had a lot of stress in the past year. Health related, finance related, you name it.
It was a perfect storm and I am working on fixing everything at once, my addiction included.

The problem isn't that provocative thought just pops out in my head... I understand I have no control over that. But sometimes I try to cultivate the thought...continuing the scenario in my mind and use it as a P substitute.

I made a lot of progress in October-February... I could see that I was aroused by soft-core stuff again. But now I feel like being very much back at the beginning.

I'm with you entirely on the stressful last year. It was shocking.

Dwelling on 'porn-like' arousing thoughts can be a real silent killer sometimes. We don't feel like relapsing straight away but sometimes, it sows the seed for a pattern of thought that can build up momentum over time, like a snowball, until we eventually give in to temptation. Personally I think they feel like the 'intrusive thoughts' that individuals with OCD tend to describe then any natural sexual thought or drive. They just come into our heads and there's no control over them. I suppose the best thing to do is soberly accept the thought as it is and move on, but this takes practice and as we both know, this is much easier said than done.

Perhaps this is something for both of us to work on?

 

[KittyHawk]

Orbiter,
yes, definitely something to work on.

My main problem right now and the reason why am I starting the reboot again from 0 after 2,5 day:

I wake up very early...very aroused...and it's not morning wood since I lost it again some time ago after multiple relapses... and while I am still asleep, my willpower is very low...I start masturbating or edging. Sometimes, like today, I manage to stop and get up from the bed but my arousal level remains very high through the day and it's only a matter of time when I break.

I hate how weak I became.    But I have to keep trying.

This site might help me to be hold accountable, so: I am starting HARD 90 MODE again....3/26/2017 around noon.

 

[gazz]

Hey mate, all these clean days are building the right kind of pathways in you. don't feel defeated by the relapses. you're making progress, just keep on heading in the right direction!

 

[anhaedra]

It's not about fighting the temptation, it's about avoiding the temptation. Like you -- when arousal hits me, I have to release sooner or later. So I have to stay clear of arousal the best I can. Which means, never start edging.

Of course, there's natural arousal. Like on waking up. But try to enjoy that feeling. Instead of acting on it. Being aroused actually feels good. We taught ourselves to start touching ourselves, that's what we have to un-learn. Plus, if you start touching yourself, the arousal rises to unmanageable levels. If you don't, your libido is like a force driving you forward.

 

[Abc]

Hi Kitty hawk,  Maybe soon as you wake up in that state you should take a cold shower ? It would kill the urge and I think calm it for the day or at least make it tolorable ? And like posted everytime you relapse you come back stronger until on day you dont relapse anymore. Stay strong and remember we are here if you need to talk.

 

[Orbiter]

Orbiter,
yes, definitely something to work on.

My main problem right now and the reason why am I starting the reboot again from 0 after 2,5 day:

I wake up very early...very aroused...and it's not morning wood since I lost it again some time ago after multiple relapses... and while I am still asleep, my willpower is very low...I start masturbating or edging. Sometimes, like today, I manage to stop and get up from the bed but my arousal level remains very high through the day and it's only a matter of time when I break.

I hate how weak I became.    But I have to keep trying.

This site might help me to be hold accountable, so: I am starting HARD 90 MODE again....3/26/2017 around noon.

The compulsion to MO sounds very similar to what you were saying about the morning fantasies. Do you think this is genuine, natural arousal or a habit you've built over time?

Imagine how amazing it would be if we were able to control that energy and put it into other areas of life.

 

[KittyHawk]

"The compulsion to MO sounds very similar to what you were saying about the morning fantasies. Do you think this is genuine, natural arousal or a habit you've built over time? "

The morning is normally the part of the day, that people have the highest testosterone levels. Some morning wood is normal in healthy men. You can have morning wood even without erotic thoughts.

I think what happened is that I got used to treating my insomnia and anxiety and morning arousal by masturbation or edging and built this unhealthy habit when my body wakes me just to get another dose of dopamine. Why am I almost sure this is the case? Because this is usually the strongest around 4th day without PMO when my urges are strongest. Usually I relapse around day 4. If I get over this point without edging, I last around 10 days without a bigger problem.

PS: In few hours, I will be 1 day without PMO. Yay.  Only 89 more to go.

 

[Orbiter]

Great going KittyHawk. One day at a time, we can get there.

 

[KittyHawk]

I am so ashamed but I have to share for accountability sake.

I was edging yesterday morning and today again...this time even with the help of some hardcore stuff.
I can't control myself when I am alone on the computer/internet... I have to find out a way to take this out of the equation.

So I am back at day 0 with hard mode 90.

The only silver lining? I had only 1 orgasm in the past 7 days. But since I know the dopamine release through arousal is the main problem here, I don't take that as a big victory. I need to stop even with edging which I believe is much worse than quick M with O. It leaves me very anxious and tense.

PS: I am also a "collector". Once I go on a binge, I start collecting pictures and/or videos. I did that again today. So for the x-time, I am now deleting it all. During my worst days, I used to have thousands of pictures and hundreds of videos with erotic content on my computer. It basically filled my whole harddrive.