So I'm past my 90 day reboot. And I've been really pondering what life is, after D-day and living with this lifelong addiction. My perspective is from one who has a SO, so I guess that's where I'm coming from.
I still have PIED. It comes and it goes, but it's always there. Stress, fatigue and other factors seem to play into it as well. I'm not even sure if I will be 100%, or what 100% actually is anymore. But the way I feel is that my SO is hurting greatly not because of my bedroom performance, but because of my blatant dishonesty and general lack of character.
So I encourage all of us to reflect on the people we are. I do feel like majority of women would like a man with exemplary character. I also feel like if the man they are with has bedroom issues, but really is a great standup guy they could easily look past the negatives. I'm sure there are plenty of women that just want to "hook up" and want a guy to perform, and other than that they could care less, but do we want to be with those women?
As for recovery of an SO after D-day and the utter betrayal of their PA spouse? I do feel there is hope. It's a long hard road for both. We as PAs have to take the time, patience, listening humbly, and then exhibit a track record of rebuilding the trust. This cannot be rebuilt in 90 days. It's up to us to explain why it happened, what it means and what we are going to do in the future. A man of real character will take to opportunity to rise to the occasion and be excited to prove himself to the person he loves. This is a opportunity to repair the damage, to stand by the person you love, and be a better person than even he thought he could be. He does this even with the knowledge that he may never see her trust 100% restored, and the nature of the relationship is probably changed forever. By us raising to the occasion we allow our SOs to work past their pain and trauma, and maybe eventually find forgiveness for what we have done, even though we don't deserve it.
The problem is ( at least the way I see it) is that if we were guys of great character we wouldn't have been in this situation in the first place. We would been open and honest with our SOs from the beginning and they could have helped us recover, and without their trauma. If you are in my place, you realize that P was just a symptom of larger issues. I at the core lack character. I don't trust people, I have low expectations, I see things with a pessimistic viewpoint, I have been a chronic liar to everyone, I'm quick to judge, I lack forgiveness (even when I ask my SO to forgive) and the list goes on. I was able to justify my P habits thinking like that. I look back at the things I've done and am horrified at how I could have felt okay with doing those things. What I've realized is I need to change myself. It feels stupid to be 35 and working on the same things my children are doing, but I've got to start somewhere. What I've learned about PIED is that our brains are malleable, and we have the ability to think however we want. If I want to be a man of great character (and I do) I must train my brain to think like that. It's a daily process with constant setbacks, but if I don't focus on the goal of being a better person I will never get there. I have accepted the fact that I may never be healed from PIED, but what I do have control of is how I am about it. I know that my wife would 1000 times want me to be a man of character, then some self-loathing, shameful creature but is an animal in bed.
I still have PIED. It comes and it goes, but it's always there. Stress, fatigue and other factors seem to play into it as well. I'm not even sure if I will be 100%, or what 100% actually is anymore. But the way I feel is that my SO is hurting greatly not because of my bedroom performance, but because of my blatant dishonesty and general lack of character.
So I encourage all of us to reflect on the people we are. I do feel like majority of women would like a man with exemplary character. I also feel like if the man they are with has bedroom issues, but really is a great standup guy they could easily look past the negatives. I'm sure there are plenty of women that just want to "hook up" and want a guy to perform, and other than that they could care less, but do we want to be with those women?
As for recovery of an SO after D-day and the utter betrayal of their PA spouse? I do feel there is hope. It's a long hard road for both. We as PAs have to take the time, patience, listening humbly, and then exhibit a track record of rebuilding the trust. This cannot be rebuilt in 90 days. It's up to us to explain why it happened, what it means and what we are going to do in the future. A man of real character will take to opportunity to rise to the occasion and be excited to prove himself to the person he loves. This is a opportunity to repair the damage, to stand by the person you love, and be a better person than even he thought he could be. He does this even with the knowledge that he may never see her trust 100% restored, and the nature of the relationship is probably changed forever. By us raising to the occasion we allow our SOs to work past their pain and trauma, and maybe eventually find forgiveness for what we have done, even though we don't deserve it.
The problem is ( at least the way I see it) is that if we were guys of great character we wouldn't have been in this situation in the first place. We would been open and honest with our SOs from the beginning and they could have helped us recover, and without their trauma. If you are in my place, you realize that P was just a symptom of larger issues. I at the core lack character. I don't trust people, I have low expectations, I see things with a pessimistic viewpoint, I have been a chronic liar to everyone, I'm quick to judge, I lack forgiveness (even when I ask my SO to forgive) and the list goes on. I was able to justify my P habits thinking like that. I look back at the things I've done and am horrified at how I could have felt okay with doing those things. What I've realized is I need to change myself. It feels stupid to be 35 and working on the same things my children are doing, but I've got to start somewhere. What I've learned about PIED is that our brains are malleable, and we have the ability to think however we want. If I want to be a man of great character (and I do) I must train my brain to think like that. It's a daily process with constant setbacks, but if I don't focus on the goal of being a better person I will never get there. I have accepted the fact that I may never be healed from PIED, but what I do have control of is how I am about it. I know that my wife would 1000 times want me to be a man of character, then some self-loathing, shameful creature but is an animal in bed.
