Sex, drugs and dopamine rushes: advice on sex during reboot

[AHudson]

Greetings,

Thanks to YBOP, I recently found out that my circumstances are a) not so unique, and b) probably resolvable, but here they are: I'm 30 and have suffered porn induced - or at least exacerbated - ED intermittently for more than 10 years.

I have an active 'real' sex life, which over the last five years or so has been characterised by multiple short-term partners (I work a job that requires frequent relocation) and a rap-sheet of sexual failures. I have slept with a bunch of women but about 80% of the time I sneak Cialis or Viagra - usually it works but it makes me feel like a fraud, and paranoid about being found out. The ED tends to be worse with a new partner, but sometimes it straps itself in for the long haul.

Under the assumption that the long-running ED was performance anxiety related (late puberty, early trauma recurring etc), I tried some home made cognitive therapy: sex clubs, exhibitionism etc. Then I tried fucking it out of my system. When that didn't work, I tried acceptance: not sneaking meds and refusing to be ashamed of my limp D, reassuring the girl I'm attracted to her and telling her that even if I'm not hard I'm enjoying it. This helped, sort of: every now and then I can fuck; often I can enjoy a BJ; but a lot of the times the girl's left tugging on rope, unconvinced by my wan grin.

So, I have an active but fraudulent real sex life. And a compulsive, and it seems insidious, online sex life.

A while ago I came across YBOP and it made TOO much sense. Habituation. Escalation. Death Grip. The whole shebang. Although performance anxiety and some other things have contributed, I am now convinced that porn is the major factor in my ED.

So, as of the last 16 days, I've been P and M free and I feel great that there might be a way around this. I've also decided to stop taking cialis and viagra with girls. Incidentally, I quit smoking too.

I know there are varying opinions on rebooting during sex but I wanted to get the community's take on my situation. At day 5 I fooled around with girl I met a few weeks ago. My D, and entire body, was super-sensitive and I got hard quickly, but I also lost it again quickly. I would get hard, then lose it, ad nauseam. Eventually, she jerked me to a half-hearted O. We subsequently met a few times and during her period - (no expectation: no condoms: no softening and wan smiles all round) - it went fine. She gave mad head to my 80% hard D and I was 'present' throughout. But when her period finished it was back to the same limp D story. I've also been hooking up with another girl, who I've spoken with about no PMO. We ended up fooling around a couple of times: one time it worked well, the other time: not really.

Perhaps, I'm in flatline: from day 1 I've had no morning wood, minimal P cravings, no spontaneous arousal, and my dick feels kind of dead.

Despite my continuing sexual failures, I feel okay. I know it's early days and that I'm on the right track in terms of cutting P out of my life. But is continuing to have sex to O with an inconsistent erection going to slow/kill the reboot? I'm moving country again in about 10 days - should I avoid hooking up with girls? This sounds sort of pathetic but I move frequently and meeting girls through OKCupid etc has always been a way to stave off loneliness and do fun things. Do you suggest I cut this too?

Lastly (apologies for the long post) something weird happened today. I was talking with a girl who is coming to visit me in just over a month. We had wonderful sex a while back (except that I was sneaking cialis) and we talk a lot. We are perfectly aligned in terms of what turns us on and she was telling me about what she wanted us to do when she visits.

Mid-conversation, I experience an intense dopamine rush. At least I think that's what it is. My heart starts galloping, my body's shaking like a madman. Really shaking. But my D stays soft. What's that about? Perhaps I'm nervous about not being able to perform when she visits (this is a girl I have real feelings for and don't get to see often). Or Maybe I'm just flatlining. I didn't M and I didn't go on to look at P. Just the dope rush. Should I cut out even these types of conversation too? It seems really sad to have to do this but whatever it takes to beat this thing.

Thanks for sticking with me through such a long post. Any input is appreciated. Stand strong brothers!

 

[sender]

You've seen YBOP, and you know about dopamine, flatlining, etc.  and are asking the right questions.

Short answer, no you should not leave real girls and real sex out of your life.  That's what you want to rewire your brain to.  But some guys find that foregoing orgasm for a while is helpful to their reboot.  For me personally, I've given up orgasm (more or less) altogether.  That's a longer story.  When you're with these girls, do you fantasize about porn during sex?  If so, you'll want to stop doing that too.

It's the porn and [excessive] masturbation, but especially the porn that absolutely has to go for good.  In time, your brain will return to a more normal balance, and you will find lead in your pencil once again; it just takes consistency and patience. 

You're doing great!  Keep up the good work.

 

[Vincent]

hi there,
first off: you cannot expect it to work fast because for nearly everybody here porn has be a constant in our lifes. Therefore the rewiring process may take more than expected time.
You seem to have approached this subject pretty analytically, which in my opinion is a wise choice. You have to set your goals for yourself and then try to find your way around porn.

I could say that I have a similar condition (except the PDE-5 Blockers and that I have a long-term realtionship) with PIED. I really didn't feel attracted to ANY physical body anymore - making Imagination and on screen voyeurism my primary sources of sexual pleasure (anon making me feel like a dork..).

But I now can feel my libido slowly and steadily returning. I know it will take more than 14 days but it will, eventually.
Your Dopamine rush is very positive as a sign I would say! Use that as your goal. This girl is coming to visit in a month you said, so make this your primary goal instead of porn. Think about her fantasise about her, condition your mind on that meeting and your brain will be wanting that. It is natural that, after being probably suffocated by death grips, you little amigo will need time to rehabilitate and regain sensitivity. But this is an unique opportunity to try a 20-20 Day no PMO with a more than desirable goal. But do not think about performance here! you are not a machine. And remenber that the cialis is not a stimulant but a blocker of NO depletion. So the erections you had were caused by your libido, the pills only held them. This will be unnecessary I your mind is striving for the real thing getting no side(fake)pleasuring of Dopamine rushes by porn.

Try it and keep us posted. You seem to be on the brink of finding your solution.

 

[AHudson]

Hi Sender, hi Vincent,

Thank you for your considered and helpful replies - much appreciated.

It's good to know that your suggestions pretty much match my thinking on this. I'm convinced I need to remove porn from the equation forever, and M for a decent period of time. In regard to sex to O, I am just going to try to be more attuned to my natural responses, not push, work on being present (no P fantasy) and be open with whoever I'm with about this process. As you say Vincent, the month window is quite a unique opportunity and a nice focal point.

@Vincent, great to hear about the return of your libido. Keep at it man, and enjoy feeling stronger.
@Sender, stopping O for good is pretty amazing. I've known a couple of people who did that (a QiGong practitioner and a writer) and they both seemed to be on a higher level. All the best with your journey.

Thanks again.

 

[Bibbity]

Most guys get great results from abstaining from O for some time.  In our case we were rebooting for roughly 9 months with hit or miss erections and then my husband decided to abstain from O for 8 weeks.  We still had sex but no O for him.  After those 8 weeks he was completely rewired and his erections came back 100%. 

My opinion for you is to continue to have sex since you are single but don't O without a woman present.  When with a woman really concentrate on sensual pleasure not the rush to O that masturbation programs you for.  Focus on all the senses and never force your O.  If you aren't feeling it or if you can't get erect just pleasure her and enjoy her body and your feelings and sensations.  You will eventually get there!

 

[Mart71]

Yeah, I agree with what was said. You are just at the beginning of recovery.

Get rid of porn. Though not conclusively scientifically proven yet, anecdotal evidence is piling up massively that porn harms boners big time.

There is more, even deeper stuff happening to your brain, like changing your sexual preferences and altering the way you feel about women. So even if you can "cure" your ED, the other stuff messing with your identity and character are worth staying away from porn for the rest of your life. When you realize this, it means porn brainwashes you. Don't even need to be "addicted" for it to happen.

Stay away from porn and give it time. Count the time in months, not in days or weeks. The changes get undone slowly. You don't seem to have trouble finding partners, so that is good and imo will help you the most.

FYI I used ED drugs in my reboot. The reduced stress and anxiety helped me to get better in a more or less linear way. Removing stress and anxiety just left P.I.ED and every month, my "performance" steadily improved, as my brain undid the porninduced changes, while I fell in love with my partner more and more.