Reclaiming a part of myself

[skrodriguez]

Wow, more than a week has passed since I posted here. Not sure I like that.

Yay! 40 days! No longer do I have a finished date but I know from personal experience that since I started masturbating back when I was....12/13 years old (I don't remember which it was) I have never managed more than 40 days! The last time I did it I think I edged on a number of occasions so this run has been the best in hardmode. But that is not to say it has been easy. Last Friday was fuuuuucking hard, I had dopamine brain fog from girlfriend fantasy. Trigger. Bad sleep. So predictable. Now it could be that I don't sleep well one night but if for some reason there are no triggers the following day, I'll be fine, the only thing is the lowered impulse control that comes with not sleeping enough.

I think we triggered each other! She MO'd and I went for a walk in the cold. It was really nice and misty. Interestingly, she even sent me a link to a page of erotica which I looked at (not knowing, this is not normal for her) and immediately closed. Then she was saying the videos (of the suggestive type I think, not very visual) where really good. I found I had no problem closing the page and not looking at anything. I told her I wasn't going to look. It didn't trigger me to want to look at more, at all. My biggest trigger is her. The next day I had zero libido. Brain felt dead (sexually). I don't care. If it wants to do that to itself it has to suck it up.

So the last week has had its easier and harder days. Back on the easier and looking forward. I have plenty of energy and good concentration but the desires for MO are still there although now I realise that no matter how strong the urge gets in certain situations, I can actually resist it. One simply doesn't touch and then changes the situation.

What I'm really noticing is how to stop fantasy thoughts from getting going. There is so little time to just absolutely deny it, to starve it and focus on something else. The impulse dies really quickly but I don't always catch it so early, sometimes I'm not even sure I want to which is where I think the actual issue lies. I am finding women very attractive but sexual tends to lead to my girlfriend which I don't have a problem with except that it gets my brain in a rut which I would rather just avoid. You see I feel now that M is just not an option, so why would I want triggers? It's counter-productive. That's the rationale, but the brain has its own things to say y no me hace caso. Faaarck.

So I'm happy with the porn situation. Written stuff is still damn hard for me - like I still find it super stimulating. But not the visuals. I don't even want to look and I never come across it in the course of my normal web behaviour so I like that my internal blocker is working. I'm not sure I'd even like it watching some of those old videos. I won't test, but I just have no desire for that. The patheticness I would feel of myself.

Recognise: brain is still very sensitive. All of the stimulus cannot be removed so it becomes an attitude shift.

 

[Vincent]

wow, that was some deep insight in your developement for which I need to thank you.

You seem to have reached a new level of self-control - that I want to achieve as well one day.
Especially the resistance against the urge of M-ing... thats some thing.

So congratulations for this. I am looking forward for the next step.

keep us posted!

 

[skrodriguez]

The other day I had a strange day. I didn't have the urge to MO but rather I was like seeing so many of the girls at the uni as really sexy. It was like 'wanna be with one of 'em', it wasn't in the creepy or gross sense but rather the, 'I'm ready!', 'let's do this!' type of feeling.

....and then it was gone (perhaps because I left and then went to sleep).

Anyway, not fully sure what to make of that so I'll just leave it.

Brain still wants arousal, fuck it. Doesn't help having a girlfriend who's missing you like crazy and dreaming of 'el encuentro' (the meeting). The thing is with my girlfriend that my thoughts towards her are a mix of feelings, it certainly isn't only arousal in the sexual sense; it's excitement, anticipation, nerves (it's been a while), horniness and that kind of cuddle/closeness feeling that washes over one when they go there. One can lead to another, backwards and forwards so there are triggers for fantasy all mixed up in that.

I'm not cruising, but rarely does it feel 'out of control'. I still notice that MO was a tonic for stressful situations and untraining that behaviour seems to take a while. I think mindfulness at these moments can be quite helpful. It's the non-judgemental present awareness observation (what a mouthful) that just stops an impulse from having the power it seems to hold over you. I think we actually do this to ourselves all the time anyway (well, I speak for me) whereby we know in our head when we are doing something we shouldn't or are trying to address. We do actually know that we are in 'that instance' and it just seems to be not caring about stopping it in such a moment that leads many (myself included) to relapse.

I would be interested to hear others people's thoughts on this.

 

[Vincent]

hehe, that is exactly the thing I experienced during my relapses. I was pretty aware of what I did. And I did it anyways. Same goes for looking at other women and not working on stuff I should. It's basically our smaller part of the brain, the Cerebellum, that commands the logical "thinking" Cerebrum to go after the most pleasurable and least stressful way to get hormone output as reward. So it is pretty normal. Oh and don't feel bad about yourself being attracted to other women. It has nothing to do with your relationship. It is a very simple thing you, I and everybody else - yep the women tend to stare as well - does. Because Our brain is, in its very most basic programming (kind of a BIOS), focused on two things: survival and reproduction. That you cannot control. However, the reason you are together with your girlfriend and not with one oth those women is a completely different one. There you made a decision and back it by staying with her. You deliberately decided to select your girlfriend as your partner for more than the reproductional process. The "fuck she's hot" sensation is not something you decide, its decided for you - and even if you manage to control it by looking elsewhere... an attractive female body will always leave a short but pungent picture series in our brain and we want to countinuously watch this attractive person until our brain is satisfies and has discovered every aspect. Same as with porn.
Some of those moments we can control - like being unfaithful or not or watching porn or not. There is a line WE draw and steps WE have to take. The desire to do it however is not something WE decide on having so we should not feel bad for that.

 

[skrodriguez]

So I reset my counter.

What happened? Had a session with my girlfriend which included masturbation and orgasm.

Not any special sort of day. Had plenty of sleep, no particularly strong urges, just going along as usual. Some days prior I had had some very small emissions but no morning wood (or not notable) and no wet dreams.


-EX-POSE FACTOR JUSTIFICATION-
I have to be honest that I knew what I was doing - like I chose to do it. I felt in control and actually had a moment where I was considering cancelling and walking away. At no point did I feel the urges 'took over'. There was no porn, I mean apart from the fact that webcam is sort of by nature quite like porn. My conclusion from it was that it didn't excite me any more than other forms of sexual intercourse (in the communicative sense! as in communicating about sex). I will say that my curiosity comes now to see the 'chaser effect', thinking that it's going to be strong based on past experience, and now, after one day I can't say that the urges are any stronger than they usually are. Reflecting on this I can attribute it to at least one thing: that previously the sense of 'little achievement' or even failure led to further relapse on the 'what's the point?' basis. This didn't happen this time. I have no desire to fap alone - or the desire to not do that is greater than the urges would probably be more accurate.

I don't see it as a failure somehow, it doesn't actually feel like a reset, but I reset my counter because it was MO so that's that. It was a bit 'meh'. I kinda want the real thing now, although I am still somewhat anxious as to how I will perform but I just tell myself to relax and get on with other stuff. For me the important thing is how I deal from now on - the behaviours surrounding the urges etc.

I don't think more is beneficial, I think going off it would be better for me for the remaining time, to remain consistent with the origial goal and keep the promise to myself of reducing and avoiding such stimulus for a proper period of time. For me really, I want to see arousal stemming for natural pre-sex interractions; touch, smell, talk. In the past these things always made me eager for sex and the arousal certainly began, but didn't finish, leading to half-erections which led to a certain frustration (even though there was plenty to do anyway) one does expect to and look to perform there as a young man. Obviously I would like this to change and this was the driving force behind my finding YPON earlier in the year and then joining this forum. Through doing so I would say this has taken me somewhat deeper in examing myself and the life circumstances and habits that led to porn usage and dependence which are the crux of the problem and it is to those things I really want to turn my full attention. Nothing would be nicer though than seeing onseself perform well in bed, sort of as a reward for what I would say was and continues to be some truly hard effort.

I welcome any feedback and opinions!

 

[Promise]

It doesn't sound like what you did caused an unnatural dopamine spike, so it sounds like you're doing fine.  Especially to have clocked so many abstinent days before, you're doing great.  I'll just echo what you said though, be wary of the chaser effect.  Chances are you might feel like shit over the next few days if my experiences are anything to go by.  Hopefully you won't, but don't let them catch you by surprise.

 

[Vincent]

Hi there,

well, you reset your counter because of your principles. You saind no MO, did MO so you reset. That is logic and consequent. However I would not feel bad if I were you. You did not lose anything there. In my opinion cybersex in a relationship over distances is part of the relationship and sex and not pmo-related. During that session you shared intimate secrets, thoughts and were open to each other. THis is quite the opposite of porn I'd say. With a sexual basis in the relationship the bond is strenghtened and you develope a closer relation in body and mind to your GF.

Please do not feel bad because you MOed to stimulation that was with another person, this is kind of the reason why we do no PMO stuff - to get sexually and emotionally closer to another person than to pornstars. Watching Porn is like lurking behind the courtains of a couple that doesn't know that you there (or does not care), what you did was sharing, exchanging and improving your sexual relation to you GF. I would not feel bad.
I can understand the counter thing though. You went a long time there and it feels like a loss. You reset it because you were consequent - I personally think however, that it was not a failure.

 

[skrodriguez]

Realising I've gone like two weeks without posting makes me feel like one of those people who, you know, fucks off when it turns pear shaped.

I'm gearing up to go overseas and tying off many ends and working a lot I genuinely have been really busy. But there is something to journaling that slows the business and this haste has made me lose my concentration which I do regret.

I've had a tough couple of weeks, I'll be honest. I'vo MO'd and feel I lost (though not completely) the thread of my reboot. I've still been journaling for therapy - though not as regularly as I'd like. Anyway, let's stay on topic.

Breaking my streak with my girlfriend was a mistake. It throws out a rhythm and a certain sexual calm that does develop, if so infintesimely slowly so as to not be visible at the time. After this initial session I went about 6 days then MO'd, another six days and the same.

So I took stock and reviewed my early journal entries, those from before I was a member here. I have a mixture of stress from a very finite and impending departure date and the myriad things to get done beforehand mixed with a definite excitement and anticipation and some trepidation in regards to all this - things I'd been able to distance beforehand to give myself a non-stimulating headspace.

And then there is the fanstasy/mental stimulation. Increased horniness leads to increased instances of fantasy to be controlled. During my initial streak the regularity of routine and a real reduction in exposure to stimulating material did (as I mentioned above) over time reduce the horniness and frequency of sexual thoughts. This is by far the most effective way to do a reboot. Indeed, the only way to reboot the brain I believe. This 'calm vigil' was disturbed and compromised. The chaser effect is strong and the biological effect on the body was noticable to me. Though I don't think that's the root problem, that, I think, is still one's perception of oneself. I felt disheartened when my subsequent masturbation happened without my girlfriend, and that they happened at all. The refocussing is hard. That quiet moment to just take time-out with myself, read my early journal entries to familiarise myself with goals and approach - which were very effective - and to simply agree to continue, and to continue looking at root emotions and to see what I can learn from my experience (noticing an initial biological effect followed by a mental pattern) etc.

I'm sorry for not updating. I wanted to and then would forget, perhaps confirming my own theory above about the busyness and losing the thread and quiet vigil which was to date my best method which focuses on:

[list type=decimal]
[*]Slow down mental processes
[*]Look for emotional root to behavious and physical sensations
[*]Reduce exposure to stimulation
[*]Don't allow fantasy to really get going
[*]Change certain things in my physical environment
[*]Exercise
[/list]

So there it is people. A long streak is no guarantee of success but it does help, or it should, in the case of reflection. For me the hardest thing is not the physical urge. I've been through withdrawal for that already I feel. I can deny those urges. But the urge to 'occupy' my brain and not let it slip into fantasy is harder I would say - because that can play with emotional wellbeing is my experience. This is the urge > behaviour pattern which I think results from an emotion, or they all feed each other and through trial and error and some hard reflection and journaling (sitll in progress), I could say:

• physical - background presense but with powerful urges, or response to mental urges - obvious and easier to abstain
• mental - probably the root of the urge, transient and fleeting but very powerful - requires prior trigger awareness and planning, willpower
• emotional - very nebulous and possibly mixed, hidden, more constant but effects judgement thus the prior planning approach above doesn't work. Emotions need to be recognised and allowed to be. Admit. Mindfullness. Slow down (don't run with) thoughts. Look to biological patterns as mentioned above the orgasm cycle can effect emotions in following minutes/hours/days in different ways. But fundamentally an emotion that is present is and has been for some time to be effecting behaviour and is invariably a response to other factors in your life.

I think. This is a work in progress.

 

[Vincent]

hi sk,

judging from the intensity of your words in this post you seem a little unsure whether it still is going the way you wanted it to, am I right?

Your spreadsheed shows the MO sessions of August, none for July and you lates PMO in June. So I'd say there is a probability that you, as you already wrote, overcame the physical part of the addiction. Mentally it however is still strong, as you described. What I cannot figure out is the connection of yours between MO and the decreasing process. If you MO pattern is linked to fantasy or triggered by fantasy I understand a pornographic-related content as a variable. If there is only MO because you felt like it and without any fantasy related, I personally would discern from PMO. Might it be that you are too hard on yourself at some time?

The importance of reboot is usually not the extinction of sexual thought - which is impossible - but the control over it. You seemed to have a pretty good method there. And If breaking the streak with your GF was a mistake, I really would like to know what you planned as a next step after a 90-day-reboot. After the broken streak you went 6 days to another 6 days with only MO which I would not exactly categorize as a chaser, which usually lead me to 3-4 time MO after having sex the same day..

You wrote it yourself, it is a process. And you already sorted out you worst problem as well. The mental related triggers. The biological stuff I am sure you can handle. Emotional is pretty difficult but you surely could control it with some mental training.

Perhaps a mental ritual to break you focus could help you, like this red - X Method.

Do not fear the reboot because every second we spend with it is a second we spend on the right way to overcome this problem we have. Everybody here is of course nagged by another variation of it. But we can beat it.

I hope the best for you and for your plans and that you keep us posted ;D.

All the best,

Vincent

 

[skrodriguez]

judging from the intensity of your words in this post you seem a little unsure whether it still is going the way you wanted it to, am I right?

Hahahahaaaaa. Love it. Good on you Vince. Yes, that would be a part of it. On the one hand I know the process progresses, on the other I sometimes have doubts when perhaps things don't go as I had planned.

If you MO pattern is linked to fantasy or triggered by fantasy I understand a pornographic-related content as a variable.

Well my abstinence from written erotica isn't as long as from other forms and my imagination can still go there in a big way. I completely hear what you say about not being able to eliminate sexual thoughts completely and I honestly don't want to do that in the longer term, I just remain very interested and at times stumped by what triggers the desire for arousal in the brain and the patterns of behaviour. I haven?t managed to figure it out, or feel a correlation between certain things I do leading to this.

No no no, I still have my moments when I imagine things I would like to do....(which preposition?)....with?....for?....to?....my girlfriend  : and I still do have erotic imaginings embodying ficitonal characters often demonstrating the thing I may find most alluring at that moment. The red X method hasn't really worked for me. I could apply it to fantasty lady X for sure but I usually find it only works for the clarity of video material, people with faces and features clearly defined, which my imaginary characters never have. I haven?t watched video porn now for quite a while that I don?t need to block that from my mind and the redX doesn?t work for written, fantasy based stuff really. Distraction is best. And MINDFULNESS.

And If breaking the streak with your GF was a mistake, I really would like to know what you planned as a next step after a 90-day-reboot.

Thanks Vince. I mean I completely intended to smash it to bits with her after the period. It was/is for my own sense of purpose and belief in myself that I would say stick to a time (but don't have a counter) as prearranged and break the streak under your own terms, content to have succeeded and ready to pursue the next step. I guess my idea was something like that. No, times spent with my girlfriend, even if virtual, are not the problem, it's just that they can make me want that as a roundabout to the reboot which isn't helpful. It's more just in this sense.

After the broken streak you went 6 days to another 6 days with only MO which I would not exactly categorize as a chaser, which usually lead me to 3-4 time MO after having sex the same day.

Again, you are right about the chaser being more what you describe. I just feel messed around physiologically and emotionally after MO....for about a week. To be honest, 12 days is timeframe for me, or thereabouts. During that time it's topsy-turvy and after that for like the following month it's better. Hahaha. Or it was last time.

The fact that it is hard tells me that stuff is happening, which while not pleasant, is encouraging and other than that I just try to focus on other things in my life.