Back again

[chickaboomski]

So here we are. Hitting the 2 year mark that I found the problem to our problems. And here I am again. Back. I don't exactly know what to say. WTF. WT ACTUAL FUCK. 2 years ago I was looking for a medical answer as to why my partner could at that stage of our relationship. About 18 months in. Had climaxed with me about 5-6 times. Why he was not interested in sex with me. And I found here. Back then I was not a prude who looked down on porn. I knew his liking of it. Just never had the dots connected. The following 2 years went like this. Me trying to out do porn, to make him want me. Then. The confrontation about 6 months later. Then the hiding started. Then the lying started. No acknowledgement for what it was doing to him... just apparently what it was doing to me. Then a blow out after he was caught out. I had enough and said no more. Fuck off to put it nicely. He smashed his phone. We had no internet. No more conversation to be had as far as he was concerned. That was September 2015. He followed up with subs. Then had nothing. So. Fast forward to October 2016 he got an prepaid internet stick. 2 weeks later a new smart phone. Sex never recovered during the down phase much at all. He could climax. But due to his unwillingness to talk about it. It was still like a use to him. No connection. Just a doll. With no feelings. During this time I had my contraception removed to hopefully have a baby. Wellhere I am wondering what the actual fuck was I thinking. And fortunately no baby on the way as yet after 6 months of trying with lame arse sex maybe 2-4 a month. I just don't know I care enough anymore to keep going down this path. I just don't. In this time we have moved into a situation where should it need be. He has somewhere to go and I have somewhere to stay with my kids. Slef protection mechanism has never settled which allowed me to have this space. I don't even know what question I am asking of anyone here. With a man who will not communicate what more can I do I guess. I have no proof of history on his phone as privacy is important to him and he has a password. I have however found several soiled items of clothing in the wash. Fuck him. Sorry to come and rant. I am broken. I want for him to be a man I never knew as this problem came with him. He can keep it. He has kept up my mistrust of men just stepped it up a level to not trusting nice guys. Hello to all the new partners. Hello again to all the old ones I knew. Welcome back me to the hole I never dug but can't get out of unless I cut the cord. Oh someone tell me some good news. Please.

 

[malando]

That's a pretty long saga there, Chicka. After that long confronting the issue repeatedly, I'd be inclined to suggest that either he starts communicating in a full and complete way immediately and lays out a plan for recovery for both himself and your relationship, or you call it quits and find somebody better. It's not doing your faith in men any good if he repeatedly lies and lets you down and still can't conduct a halfway decent sex life. If he hasn't come around to how damaged he is by now, he must be in denial - and that means his motivation to change is not really there, besides wanting to pacify you. It's not honourable, it's not the attitude of somebody who wants to change. Either he gets real right now, or I'd say kick him to the curb. At least most of the significant others on here are trying to change. You've gotta be giving it a red hot go. Change doesn't happen by accident. Even if he still has a way to go in his recovery, the least he can do is be open and honest about where he's at. Concealing the habit is the worst thing he can do. It's stealing hope from you, and wasting your time and energy.

This might sound rich coming from a reforming porn user, but I can tell you that if you don't admit that you need to change and make every attempt to be better, you aren't getting better. Once you know that what you are doing is hurting your partner, the only acceptable option is to change, and commit to it. If you don't, you are showing that your partner and your relationship really isn't important enough to give up on your indulgence. And anyone who wants to remain addicted to porn should do the world a favour and stay single - that way they are only hurting themselves.

This is just my opinion. Maybe I'm being too harsh, I know there will be feelings there that I can't understand, but this was my reaction to your words as you presented them. Maybe some others will be more helpful. Good luck whichever way it goes.

 

[Ytrewq]

So here we are. Hitting the 2 year mark that I found the problem to our problems. And here I am again. Back. I don't exactly know what to say. WTF. WT ACTUAL FUCK. 2 years ago I was looking for a medical answer as to why my partner could at that stage of our relationship. About 18 months in. Had climaxed with me about 5-6 times. Why he was not interested in sex with me. And I found here. Back then I was not a prude who looked down on porn. I knew his liking of it. Just never had the dots connected. The following 2 years went like this. Me trying to out do porn, to make him want me. Then. The confrontation about 6 months later. Then the hiding started. Then the lying started. No acknowledgement for what it was doing to him... just apparently what it was doing to me. Then a blow out after he was caught out. I had enough and said no more. Fuck off to put it nicely. He smashed his phone. We had no internet. No more conversation to be had as far as he was concerned. That was September 2015. He followed up with subs. Then had nothing. So. Fast forward to October 2016 he got an prepaid internet stick. 2 weeks later a new smart phone. Sex never recovered during the down phase much at all. He could climax. But due to his unwillingness to talk about it. It was still like a use to him. No connection. Just a doll. With no feelings. During this time I had my contraception removed to hopefully have a baby. Wellhere I am wondering what the actual fuck was I thinking. And fortunately no baby on the way as yet after 6 months of trying with lame arse sex maybe 2-4 a month. I just don't know I care enough anymore to keep going down this path. I just don't. In this time we have moved into a situation where should it need be. He has somewhere to go and I have somewhere to stay with my kids. Slef protection mechanism has never settled which allowed me to have this space. I don't even know what question I am asking of anyone here. With a man who will not communicate what more can I do I guess. I have no proof of history on his phone as privacy is important to him and he has a password. I have however found several soiled items of clothing in the wash. Fuck him. Sorry to come and rant. I am broken. I want for him to be a man I never knew as this problem came with him. He can keep it. He has kept up my mistrust of men just stepped it up a level to not trusting nice guys. Hello to all the new partners. Hello again to all the old ones I knew. Welcome back me to the hole I never dug but can't get out of unless I cut the cord. Oh someone tell me some good news. Please.

Sorry to hear all this, he won't open up to you about porn and sex but he wants to have a baby?
Why would he want to bring a newborn into a relationship in need of repair?

I hope things get better for you, but I don't know what I'd do in that situation, have you tried couples therapy?

 

[cuppatea]

If he's behaving that way then it seems like he's never once fully admitted to himself that he has a problem. Until he does that he won't change no matter how hard you try.

I've found Paula Halls book for partners really great. She actually has a chapter on whether or not to stay in the relationship. You might find reading her book useful.

 

[aquarius25]

Well I could be completely clueless but I truly believe that PA is the hardest thing I have ever endured. I have a husband who is a PA. He is doing everything in his power to recover, not to just not look at porn, but to really recover and be the man I wanted him to be. He is supportive and encouraging most of the time. This situation is hard enough even when you have a partner who admits their problem, is trying to recover, and is supporting you. Without that I know I wouldn't stay. Not for a minute. There is a fine live between supportive and enabling and I am not sure even I know where exactly that line is. For you, you should do whatever you need for you to heal, to feel good again, and to be the mother you want to be to your other kids (I thought you mentioned you had other kids, if I'm off base on that then I'm sorry). I wish you the very best. May you find peace.

 

[chickaboomski]

Thanks guys. Cuppatea you nailed it. He never truly admitted it to himself. When he finally said to me he had a problem. In retrospect he was just carrying on the lie to himself. Just to keep me. I actually truly believed he understood at that point. But as Aquarius25 mentioned about the just not doing it vs recovery. From that day of admission forward (September 18th 2015, how scary to remember dates like that), it was a no go zone topic wise. He had no access to internet. He had no smart phone. He just wasn't doing it and that is that. Subject closed. Nothing to talk about. Then if I did bring it up. Arguements. I do have other kids. 3 beautiful girls whom adore him, and have seen some pretty horrific relationships in their short time. I haven't upped and left because #1 we have property together, #2 he is not a bad guy, this just has a hold on him, #3 despite not having children to him, my kids do love him like a father, this would break their heart too.
Couples therapy isn't really an option if he won't even come to the party. Sadly I can see the way of the rollercoaster path ahead. Back to destruction, then when Rome has fallen he may see what he has done. I am hamdling it better than the start of this ride I never asked to be on. But it does bring out my crazy side when he gets all secretive, I go detective plus some.

 

[chickaboomski]

Hey Emerald Blue! I hope you are holding yourself up and together well. I was trully hoping I could return here with good news of yeah, he did it. There is hope. That no go communication thing really makes it hard. And despite that there was 6 months there where we were doing really well intimacy wise. Then pow. Out of the blue. The problem for me is, when he is bad, I am bad. Anxious, insomnia, to the point of crazy. Then because he won't talk I have to know. So unleash crazy detective woman. And he doean't see it as his actions causing me to lose it, he just goes on about how I am losing it. And around we go again. This time thougb he is all armed up with ways from the get go to keep me out. Really? No duscussion nothing.

 

[chickaboomski]

Oh just for the record Ytrewq, our relationship had been in repair for 8 months before we planned a baby. Things were great. 5 months after that. It all came crashing down.