Last big thing to change

marfap

marfap

Member
Am 42 on day 12 of NONFAP

Gave up Drinking over 15years ago, Smoking over 10years ago, marijuana over 5 years ago.

Finally cured myself to the point I don't suffer from the OCD that I had all my adult life over 3years ago.

I feel my addictions have all transferred into to porn

I on a typical day I could use porn up to  5 hours a day, mostly solo women, I think to have a kind of fake one to one connection, to make up for my massive lack of real world success.

I just split from my girlfriend just over 6 weeks ago so had to get the porn under control (I think my bedroom performance contributed to this breakup).

Another reason I am doing this, is to I hope give me a personality change and make me far more ambitions and motivated as I have a minimum wage job, virtually no money and drive at the moment.

I am  on day 12 but am finding that I seem to be on a bit of a rollercoaster of emotions, From tired to depressed, to wanting to cry, to being super motivated, all in one day is this common?

I will say on the positive side,  that the shame and paranoia (common symptoms I believe) Have virtually gone....




 
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tom46017

Member
Try searching You Tube for Sean Stewart.  He has help me a lot.  I am a beginner at trying to break the addiction.  I can only cum when I watch porn.  I cannot get a hard on ever.  When I watch porn, I can get hard enough to jerk and cum most of the time.

I am married and seldom have sex with my wife.  I usually make her cum orally but I cannot get it up.

I did watch about 10 minutes of porn today.  I had been jacking off for almost one and half hours and could not cum.  Finally did a few minutes of porn and busted.

I am looking for an accountability partner.  We might chat some about that.

[email protected]
 
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maledictis

Member
      Hi yeah im like that too. I've been addicted to heroin alcohol cannabis tobacco and quit all of them one by one years ago but the porn has always been there! It started before all drugs and still lasts more than 10 years(not sure how many) free of other addictions! Like you say last big thing. Maybe its the biggest. Time will tell. One thing i always knew and will always remember: when i was using drugs pmo made a lot more sensitive to the drugs. If i managed to stay of pmo just for a week i got a lot more resistant to drugs. I could take a lot more with less ill effects. Thanks for posting
 
marfap

marfap

Member
Thanks for the responses.

Tom46 Thanks for sharing....  Am looking for Sean Stewart, got one with a lot of fitness videos, is that the one you mean? Maybe you could post a name of a video so I can look it up?... Re accountability, am not sure how often I will be checking in on Nofap forum in future, but can promise to check in on your journal each time I do (if that's any help?).....

maledictis: Thanks for sharing, it gives me strength knowing that I am not the only one.....
 
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savingmysoul

Active Member
no, you are not the only by any stretch.

And i need to quit smoking too...

I fear for the young men of the world.  Up to this point, they will have no idea what hit them.  Its happening right now, when you read the statistics about the largest demographic consuming ED drugs. 

The emotions will settle down, and certainly for the better.  Your perspective will change for the better as well - it just takes time.  And, it will take as long as it takes.  My wife tells me i am like a different person, no cranky, short tempered, etc.  It really helps to just slow down.

Hang in there, find your strength - you feel you want to cry, then cry - just know that P has no place in your life anymore.
 
marfap

marfap

Member
Day 13 have experienced many emotions. But am really starting to feel like a real Man. Not carrying the shame is making me feel more confident.

Thanks Savingmysoul for the empowering words....
 
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savingmysoul

Active Member
One of the great feelings i have been able to feel since i stopped P & M is a clean conscience.  yes, i carry the shame and guilt for lying to my wife for all that time, but this is different.

I have nothing to hide for the first time in many years.  Not worrying about what she may find - and that is an incredible feeling.

hang tough, we all can beat this!
 
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savingmysoul

Active Member
it is a good feeling, tempered by the fact that i am 45 years old, learning lessons i should have learned in kindergarten.

Better late than never, i suppose

stay strong...
 
marfap

marfap

Member
Day 15

The longest I have ever gone in my adult life without looking at porn or MO!

I have started to have dreams about watching it, which is good as this is withdrawal, similarly I had dreams about smoking when giving up.

Have started to think a freind is trying to talk me out of it, when the obviously they wouldn't do that, again I think this is just "clever" withdrawal symptoms...

Also will have to be careful with Facebook and as had a very few objectification of women slips....

 
marfap

marfap

Member
Day 15/16

Am getting depression and emptiness. When I split from my girlfreind I used porn to numb myself, now I have stopped for over 2 weeks I am feeling her not being around again. 

Have been putting myself out there though so hopefully I can have connections with women, I am aware that I am not quite connecting with women when I talk to them at the moment.

I am aware all this is a good sign, it shows I am healing.

I just hope that I will meet someone in future to connect with...... As this lack of female contact (sexual or non) is not pleasant.
 
Viper

Viper

Well-Known Member
Totally feel your pain.
Nothing I can say otherwise to that want for attention/affection from the opposite sex.

But I can offer some perspective.
I and many others on here have wonderful women in their lives and still get depressed
and anxious. Those symptoms are part of rebooting. You're trying to put the addiction
monster back in the cage and it's not going in without a fight.

So all of this is normal and I long for the day that you come back on here when you're able
to have normal sex again. It's gonna happen but you have to take it one day at a time.
 
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savingmysoul

Active Member
it truely is one day at a time.

grats on 16 days -

on Day 17 tell yourself the first 16 days were worth it, and how good you will feel on day 18.

Depression, anxiousness, are all normal during reboot.  Keep the mind busy with positive activities, stay away from those that lead to P & M.  In time, those negative feelings diminish.
 
marfap

marfap

Member
Day 18 gave me this quasi craving, kinda like when I gave up smoking. This is good,  if you have poor days it does strenghten your resolve to "Never go through this again" as with I did with quiting smoking...

Am still overall in a pretty dark spot.

NOFAP for me does feel like the last great opportunity I have to change myself on a fundamental level.

 
marfap

marfap

Member
Day 20

Yesterday I MO'd a couple of times. (This is not a problem for me as I only want to severly cut down on this). However I did use mild fantasy of women I know (I realise that fantasy is the top of the slippery slope and is best to avoid as much as you can).

I also was suggested to check out an artist by a very sexy women I know, unfortunatley it was a fantasy erotic painter. This  started a few triggers in my brain, but I kept strong...

Overall I am happy for this test, as it kept me on my toes and I did not look at porn (even softcore)....
 
marfap

marfap

Member
oops just this moment fell off the wagon :mad:

well I start again a little wiser and day 0 (allthough I am aware I have not lost all the gains made so far) starts now and not tommorrow......

I don't feel grotty etc... but I know if I continue tommorrow then all the bad symptoms will come back.

I know it takes time. I am gonna make some major changes in my lifestyle in general that will help me.

 
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savingmysoul

Active Member
Hang in there my friend,

A relapse is not a reset!  You dont restart a race because you fell down.  Learn from this and you will be stronger for next the next time you are faced with triggers/urges.

Hope all goes well for you this weekend.

Stay strong.
 
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