Safe place.

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chickaboomski

Active Member
I think everyone needs a safe place to be able to express themselves. I know I have posted in here in times when I have been busting at the seams angry and hurt by this experience. I have had some helpful advice, understanding partners compassionate responses  as well as some insightful advice from PA. I think what made this forum important to partners was a place to come and rant and get out our frustration with out taking it out the wrong way on our partners and not fueling the fire and or stunting recovery.
So that being said I think when we reply we need to bare in mind the ripple effect of addiction on the partners mental health. All addictions effect those in close proximity of the addict. Porn and sex addiction tends to attack our mental health because no matter how much we understand the underlying dopamine addiction, it attacks our self esteem, confidence and our own safe place of who we thought we were in our own heads.
I took leave from this site when the going was good for over 9 months because I needed to let it go in order to move forward with my partner. But here I am returning to my safe space to read and learn from others and help myself not feel so alone in this battle. Play nice guys. We are all hurting here. Both partners and PAs.
Porn attacks a mans manhood. Porn attacks a womans womanhood. Everyone loses. For those here, we are all here making an effort to fight this battle, so we need to give a little respect to the fact while so many things are the same, with each and every case, so many things are different. This is a world wide problem, so many of us are from all over the world. That alone brings culture and other diverse aspects to each case. Play nice people.
 
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malando

Moderator
Staff member
Moderator
I agree, CB, this place needs to stay peaceful, productive and supportive. I'm going to stay out of trouble and only post if I have something to say that is of real value to somebody. :)
 
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cuppatea

Guest
Yes I've vented in here a lot and its good being able to do thatand knowing other people here get it
 
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stillme

Active Member
When it comes to a "safe space", the biggest issue that I see is the people that need a safe space are often times crowded out by the people that don't. What I mean by that is, some of the porn addicts that post in the partners forum are addicts that insist 1) their partner is perfectly accepting of their porn use, 2) they had no sexual dysfunction issues, and 3) their partner didn't even notice they were using porn in excess or porn use had gotten out of control. If that is their truth, why are they contributing to the partner's forum. One reason why I left is because a SIGNIFICANT amount of feedback I was seeing was in direct opposition to what actual professionals say is needed for partners to heal from the devastation of dealing with being in a relationship with a porn addict.

Now we even have supposed partners that are contributing heavily in the forum stating they are 1) okay with their significant other's use of porn, 2) they engage in viewing porn, and 3) porn use is okay. How that is allowed on RN is beyond me as I 'thought" one major premise at Reboot Nation was that porn use was NOT okay for recovering addicts and that internet porn was overwhelmingly detrimental to society in general and relationships in particular.

What is there for a hurting partner to learn from a recovering porn addict whose partner is okay and accepting of their porn use? How can a hurting partner heal getting advice from a recovering porn addict that never dealt with sexual dysfunction? Just like being married to a "functioning" alcoholic is fundamentally different from being married to an alcoholic that has lost their job, gotten DUIs, had the insurance cost spike, etc., being married to a  'porn addict' that supposedly has zero ill effects from porn use and has managed to continue with a lovely life filled with no harm is fundamentally different from being married to a porn addict that can't get an erection because he jacked off to porn so much or being married to a porn addict that would rather sit in a dark room and jack off to porn than have a sexual relationship with their spouse.

So, when a porn addict that suffered supposedly no ill effects from porn use comes to the forum to call partners that did have ill effects from their significant other's porn use "whiny" or to tell them to "get over it" or tell them that they are the one that needs professional help because they are taking things way too far - that is the absolute problem in this forum.

What is there to gain from interacting in a forum when other partners are saying porn isn't so bad, in fact they use porn and they like it, and they are absolutely cool with their partner using porn and porn use is also good for them. Again, I have been SHOCKED that although this forum is supposedly moderated - someone is allowed to post such craziness and it is accepted. I cannot imagine someone being able to go unchecked in the other forums telling porn addicts trying to do a reboot that "occasional porn use is fine" and "using porn is better than acting out with a real person" and "using porn a couple times a week is okay." Sorry, I do not believe that would be considered okay, yet that is being allowed to happen in the partners forum.

If a partner is fine with porn use or if a recovering addict is with a partner that is okay with their porn use - what can they contribute to folks that aren't. Since I have been away from the forum and mostly lurking, I am seen some very disturbing trends. The most disturbing is that a LOT of the advice that is being promoted and embraced is completely contrary to the advice from professional counselors that specialize in dealing with partners of porn addicts as well as what can be found in a lot of books and resources, especially those that acknowledge the trauma aspect of being the partner of a porn and/or sex addict.

Supposedly everyone agrees that porn addiction affects the brain similar to some drug addiction. Who would tell a recovering drug addict they can take drugs a couple times a week and that is fine? Who would tell the partner of a recovering porn addict that they need to stop being so "whiny" or tell them they are way too disturbed about their partner's drug use and they need to get professional help so they can 'get over it' or 'get a grip'. And yes, ALL those things have been told to me.

So, in order for this space to be 'safe' there needs to be a lot more perspective put in to things.
 
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chickaboomski

Active Member
Many moons ago when I was just wrapping my head around this whol thing I posted a post called side effects from your porn addicticion. It was the side effects I felt as a partner at that time, in a space I felt comfortable to at that time. One of the replies was an addict telling me the side effects of porn addiction for the user. Happysad nailed it when they said as parnter we are suffering feom actions that we did not choose but were chosen for us.
That being said. I have had much helpful insight and info from PAs on here too. It is all a matter of respect.
I know I have poated on here in moments of dispair, those moments I needed to vent somewhere or shit would go down in my house that maybe none of us would come back from. It is a relief valve to release pressure while I assess the situation in my head before acting in a manner I may regret in my real life.
Emerald you are dead set on about uncharted territory for us that are no longer in our early 20s. I have looked high and low and without going into religious territory there is nothing out there for what porn does to relationships that are established, or established at an older (not that old I am only 35 lol)age with porn already being a problem for the user.
So being one of the guinea pigs for later damage it is hard to manage without losing ones shit here and there.
I know how important this partners area is as I have not found a space anywhere that has made me feel understood by not only other partners, but PAs that can see my pain and see how it has effected their loved ones lost or partners just hanging in there. It is really respect 101. That works both ways. PAs that do come in here and read our post and respond are doing it from thier level at that time, with their understanding with all those factors in mind. I am sure no one really wants to set anyones recovery here back. And maybe some PAs don't realize that they are not the only ones in recovery here. And that a PAs partner is going through uncharted territory and recovery of their own. We are and can be as defensive of our hurt (and rightfully so, trust me I hurting) as much as a PA is over their addiction. From our own unstable point of view we can take things personally. Because as much as we are told this issue is not peraonal. It is. What I am saying is. This space needs to be safe. And it needs to be productive. I have drafted so many post and deleted them because of previous experience on here I have not wanted to lose any more energy arguing or defending myself. So I rant. And I delete after rereading. I find it some what healing just getting it out. But that is me. Each time I do that I feel a bit like the bigger person. The more these times silently accumulate, unfortunately for my partner my tollerence and love disapates. Like I said. There are no winners here. Except those who have stories of overcoming the battle and sticking around to tell us its worth it. I wanted to be one of those. I thought we were on our way. I thought wrong. So here I retreat to carry on silently screaming. Much love guys. We need love yeah?
 
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stillme

Active Member
And that is why I just have confirmation that this isn't the place for me. Because no, after having people literally attack me and call me "unstable" and "whiny" say I need to "get over it" and directly attack me - then delete their post before I can get screen shots, I have no desire to be the bigger person. It isn't a safe space if I am being asked to be the bigger person in what is supposed to be a safe spot for partners. If porn addicts want to be treated with kid gloves, why not stay in the porn addict section? Why come to the only space there is for partners, attack and belittle, then demand that we all play fair?

No thanks.
 
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Loleekins

Active Member
Most of the posts here that have been arguments from PA have been one person. This person seeks to be provocative with practically every post they make. They have also gone through a bunch of accounts (different names) here and on other boards in order to continually reappear as someone new and start new arguments.

I believe the same thing is happening again.
 
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cuppatea

Guest
I think it's probably wise to go with the don't feed the troll plan, if there is someone trolling.

I am in an emotionally vulnerable place at the moment, more so than I've ever been in the whole of my life and I've had some pretty nasty shit happen to me in my past, but knowing the person I love and who I trusted 100% has been lying to me for 16 years is a fucking lot to deal with. Knowing this man I gave my life and my body to, whose babies I had, 4 of them, each of them taking a toll on my body and then to know that he chose porn and celeb fantasies over me and them. To know that whilst I put his kids to bed he was getting his jollies off and using the risk of getting caught by me to make it more exciting. To know that the nights I spent up late pouring over the internet to find out as much about our sons disability as possible he was probably in our bed on his tablet having a wank. To know that everything about his family was boring and uninteresting, and that he probably only thought about us in the context of when he could next have a wank. It's a fucking lot to deal with. I feel like an insignificant piece of shit, and an ugly old undesirable one at that. He said masturbating was quicker and easier, like having sex with me is a tedious chore, an obligation, "oh yeah, best give the wife the occasional boner", like it's on a checklist along with mowing the lawn and putting the rubbish out. And then there is the oogling too, knowing every time we've been out as a couple he was probably fantasying about other women he saw, I mean really how do you even start dealing with that. I have no idea.

I don't know how we make this an entirely safe space, I don't think that's possible on the internet.

 
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Loleekins

Active Member
"I don't know how we make this an entirely safe space, I don't think that's possible on the internet"

It's pretty much not possible. When I see people that merely appear to be sowing conflict, I ignore them. They generally choose to do so for a single purpose - to feed on attention. I choose to starve them, not feed them. :)
 
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Emerald Blue

Well-Known Member
I feel like an insignificant piece of shit, and an ugly old undesirable one at that. He said masturbating was quicker and easier, like having sex with me is a tedious chore, an obligation,
Click to expand...

Oh, cuppatea. It's so awful for you right now. We've all been there. It is possible to feel better in time. It can be done. It takes a shift in mindset but it WILL happen. Just keep on rebuilding your life regardless of what your husband does or says. Once you start feeling good about yourself again you'll realise that his approval or opinion on your desirability and attractiveness won't matter so much. My watershed moment was when I realised my anxieties had been caused by his behavior. He voted with his feet, or his right hand, more accurately. Was my self worth dependent on that? No, I couldn't let that happen. One day I asked myself, If I was single would I still feel so bad about myself? And the answer was, No. I would feel a lot more accepting of myself and I wouldn't feel that this or that part of my body was a source of despair. That was a big turning point in my recovery. So, if I'm going out and I like what I see in the mirror, then why should his lack of compliments or attention make any difference to how I feel about myself? It was a small mindshift but it was a significant step forward.
 
Kimba

Kimba

Active Member
Sorry to hear Cuppatea but u have said what I believe is the sentiment of my partner as well, do the deed get it done then - jobs done - can do what I want with the week now sorted the misses, that was one of my discussions with him saying I felt like it was a chore and he felt relieved once he got it done.

I agree also don't feed the beast, Gracie is here to sort them so I'm going to leave that to her.

Totally agree stillme their is no place here for people saying that they are fine with porn in their relationship because if that is so what the hell are they here for, so they need to be sorted by the powers that be, as essentially it's undermining what the forum stands for, what we need as partners suffering under this scourge ...  :(
 
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Ytrewq

Guest
You're absolutely right Kimba, I posted this in another thread:

Hey guys and girls, I think I owe some of you an apology. I didn't initially understand that this forum is entirely against all forms of porn, not just porn addiction, and I shouldn't have argued with other partners about it.

The reason I joined here was to hopefully gain some perspective from other partners who supported their porn addicted partner, but it seems to be more of a support group for partners who have been lied to about porn, not so much a section devoted to what we can do as partners to help porn addicts recover.

That's totally fair though and after having found out about this I stopped pushing my beliefs about porn.
I may occasionally still comment on topics I find interesting (within the rules), but I've joined a porn addict support forum with a broader range of perspectives, some more in line with my own to avoid stepping on any toes around here.

Best of luck everyone, and sorry again for not respecting the beliefs of many of you :)
 
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