Who is to blame?

[BuddhaAwake]

Last night my wife and I had an argument about something minor and stupid. I was prepared to discuss the situation calmly but she wasn't. She stopped talking to me. Then I didn't feel so calm!

She always goes to bed a couple of hours later than I do. The old voices piped up: "I'm angry. I'm stressed. She's being irrational and unfair. I'm frustrated. I deserve to PMO. It will help me relax and get to sleep."

If I gave in to those voices, who would be to blame? Would my wife share part of the blame?

Hell, no.

I had a choice to make- pick up my tablet and PMO or do something else. I chose to take my mala beads and do my nightly mantra chant and mindful breathing. Not only did I abstain from PMO, it transformed my anger and hurt into calm and compassion for myself and her.

I write this not to pat myself on the back or seek praise. You don't praise sunlight for being warm or water for being wet. It is as it should be.

No, my intent is to share my belief that we PAs bear the SOLE responsibility for our actions. I can lie, make excuses, and justify as well if not better than anyone else. I am only five days PMO free this time. I think I will prevail this time because I've finally gotten it through my thick skull that I own this- I have choices to make and positive alternatives. The addiction is not in the images or my eyes and ears. It is in my mind, and a mind can be retrained. I either want to retrain it or I don't.

I hope this may be of help to others and not be seen as pompous and preachy. We are here to share our experiences in the hope it strengthens others. Many posts in these forums have helped me. I'm trying to pay it forward.

 

[furly1]

Yes It helped a lot thanks for sharing! I think all of us need to cut our bullshit excuses and find the willpower to abstain! You're very lucky to have a girlfriend(or wife?) while you are on this journey! You can focus on her and have natural sex! I am confident you will get through this! I believe is it a tad bit harder for us guys that only have our hands at the moment haha.

 

[BuddhaAwake]

I think there are advantages to both situations. Not being in a relationship has its advantages. "Real sex" can be a trigger during the Reboot process, especially if you feel the need to recall porn images to get it going and keep it going. "Real sex" can be difficult if not impossible while rebooting, and that is very frustrating. Without a partner you won't have to feel that you are denying or rejecting your partner while you reboot. Without a partner you can commit to the struggle to reboot without having betrayed a partner and having him/her caught up in the firestorm of your condition.

I'm not saying that one situation is better than the other- just that there are advantages and disadvantages to both. And we have to make the most of whatever situation we are in.

Attitude is everything, and it sounds like you have a winning attitude!

 

[metal22]

Buddha you hit the nail on the head.  Yes we are solely responsible for ourselves.  I'm very glad you are learning how to handle the urges,  re-channel them and grow as a person.  Our P habits are hard to break,  and they hang around for quite some time.
I do feel like PMOing was a habit formed because of a lack in our lives,  whether real or perceived.  When we encounter issues that cause us to make a choice whether to PMO or not we are encountering that "lack".  It gives us a chance to grow as people as we navigate our issues and recover from our PA.  My "lack" was something that came about in my early teens (maybe earlier I'm not 100% sure),  and only now delving fully into at the age of 35.  I wish I had dealt with this a long time ago,  but better now then never.

 

[Stowe2010]

Great post! We are definetly the only ones responsible for our actions, that's why they are OURS. If a fight, stress, anxiety or any other negative feeling causes you to relapse, it is still you making that choice. Our addictions always sneak cravings in at our most vulnerable parts of the day and that is when we must be at our most alert.

As for having a partner during reboot both sides really do have their disadvantages and advantages. I do not have a girlfriend but have found myself now, more than ever wishing I did and feeling lonely. However I am not even sure if I could really have sex with her yet so it's a trade off. If we don't use, eventually all of our problems will disappear. One day at a time we can all do this!

 

[Numez]

You don't praise sunlight for being warm or water for being wet.

i do stupid shit like that.