Where I'm at today

[survivor]

Hey all.

Survivor here.

Still doing pretty much okay. Like I mentioned a couple of days ago, I had some frustration and tried to zone away from it by masturbating without porn. Didn't work as I couldn't climax without the visual stimulation. Frustrating at the time but it passed and I had a good day. Glad I stayed away from the internet.

I had a very erotic dream last night. I realize that this stuff is still trying to find ways to drag me back into it and I also know from past experience that it will continue to raise it's ugly head in various ways at various times for quite some time to come. I don't know for sure but it might get more difficult before it gets better. Only time will tell. However, I also know from past experience that it does get better. The pull gradually gets less and less and the frequency of the pull also gets less and less. That is the point in time when I feel the addiction is more outside of me than inside me. I am not overcome with these cravings. That's good and bad at the same time. It's good because I am in a better position to make a rational, healthy choice. However, the bad part of it, for me, and the part that always takes me back, is this thought that I can return there just once and it would be great and that I'm in control and can choose to do it when it suits me. WRONGO! One visit and I'm fully sucked in again. No peeking!

Anyway, that time is still a little bit in the future and, with the help of you people I will deal with that situation when the time comes.


Good day to you all.

 

[savingmysoul]

hey survivor,

welcome to the nation.  we are all here to help.

The pull can be tough - you should try to fill your vunerable time with other activities - positive activities that will help move you through this.  I dont know if youre married or not, but for me learning to cook with my wife has been very beneficial.  I am reading more, whatever seems to be of interest at the time.  Minor activities to be sure, but they help keep you occupied and will start to help the brain from leading you to the dark side.

To be sure, there can be no P in your life when you committ to rebooting/rewiring - it does not serve you.

We all have the strength in us, we need to find it and embrace it.  Not an easy path, downright difficult at times - but you can beat this.  We are all here to help - Good Luck!

 

[survivor]

Hey buddy!

Thanks for being there. Just getting replies to my posts is a huge boost for me.

I am married to a very supportive and understanding woman. We share a great life together. Additionally, I am an artist with a studio of my own so I spend lots of time out there creating. The big thing for me is avoiding the pull when my wife goes to work. However, keeping in touch with people like yourself, rather than my dark companion of the past fifty some years, is helping me cope in a healthy manner. I don't know if you had read my story but I was involved in a 12 step program for many years when I lived in the city. But we moved to the country in 2009 and, as a result, I was severed from all my support networks. Thought I could cope on my own but eventually had to surrender to the fact that I needed the support of others of like mind. Getting caught by my wife a week ago finally humbled me to reaching out to Reboot Nation., So far it's kept me sober and in a positive frame of mind regarding my belief that I can, and will this time, beat this thing.

Thanks for being there,

Survivor

 

[savingmysoul]

Survivor,

We are all here for each other - this is a long road, but this can be beaten.

My wife had her DDay on the 12/31/13 - one of the issues i am dealing with is how come i couldnt figure this out on my own, why did i have to drag my wife down a dark hole. 

My wife is an amazing woman, and continues to strive forward to support my recovery/reboot/rewire.  It was her that started digging around the internet looking for answers and what she found and shared was sobering.  It has been 6-1/2 months, and even then i haven't made it easy for her, as i struggled with the shame and guilt early on and the need to continue to protect my ego.  But she has continued to be there for me - continuing to risk herself and her pride - and i am learning to communicate much better (hasn't been easy for me).  I don't know where i would be without her - well, I do where i would be, and that scares the hell out of me.

I can honestly say today that i have not had any urge to return to all that, as there is nothing there for me - not today and not tomorrow.

This forum has also played a large role in my reboot - and this site has seemed to be one of the better ones for being able to get your feelings out, read, and commented on in a very positive manner.  I am very gratefull that it does exist, as it does provide a great deal of hope.  I am sure you will find that exists for you as well.

healing for all of us is there, so embrace it.

Hang in there - read as much as you can as to learn all you can, post when you can, and help when you feel you can.

its a long path to a better life, unfortunately it is a crowded path, but we all will get there.

SMS

 

[survivor]

Good morning.

I'm sitting here by myself as my wife has headed off to work. I'm not sure why I'm writing at the moment except that I know, because something inside me, my survivor mode I call it, is telling me to write.

What I mean by all this is that I'm not feeling any strong pull to act out right now, it's just a very nonchalant, no big deal kinda feeling. But the survivor voice is telling me that's a dangerous place to be. It's difficult to explain. It's like - well, it's no big deal so I can let my guard down today because I ain't really got anything to say. But I know from past experience letting my guard down leads me to being lax and undisciplined. If I don't write today there's no real need to write tomorrow so I will only write when I feel the pull again. However, then I return to this place of believing I can handle it on my own, it's too much of a bother to sit down and write, blah, blah, blah! Then WHAM! I'm overwhelmed by this stuff again and don't seem to have the strength to stay away from it on my own.

But I gotta hang in there. Someone's at my door. Gotta go.

Survivor

 

[survivor]

Survivor again.

I'm sitting here waiting for something to finish before I can leave the house. So... got time on my hands and a computer staring me in the face and endless possibilities as to what I could do with this computer. But, BIG BUT, we all know what I want to do with this computer. Gotta get through the next 15-20 minutes before I can move on to something else. Seemed like a good idea to tell you people about it rather than thinking I can deal with it on my own. My brain is too sneaky for that. It will find a way to sidestep my boundaries. Something like - "Let's just go look at pictures of Miley Cyrus." or, "I'll just go look at lingerie models. No harm in that. Not actually lookin' at porn." Well, that stuff just becomes a tease that sets me up for bigger things. That's been one of my slides in the past. Looking at soft stuff in the belief that it will satiate me. Can't satiate me. Got to just live with it and get through it. This too shall pass.

Well, my 15 minutes is just about up. Thanks for being there. 

 

[OldHornyGuy]

Hey Man,

I know what you mean.  One of the bad things about internet porn is that I can't surf the net.  My friends read all kinds of cool stuff, watch bizarre documentaries and unless I am surrounded by people, for me it is not 5 minutes in front of a computer before I am searching something I know I wouldn't want other people to see in my search history.  Kinda sad really.  A whole world of knowledge and entertainment and all my brain wants is porny stuff.

Glad you made it through!

Peace and Stay Strong!

 

[savingmysoul]

Survivor,

One of the things i have in common with what you said was being alone the first time after i started my reboot.  I was home one evening when the wife and kids were out, and I knew 100% that I wasn't going to the dark side.  I knew in my heart and my head - and I was home - only for a couple hours - and I stayed true.  I got home ate dinner and did some yard work.  Even though I knew i wasn't going to do that, it was very weird because that is what i did most every time in the past.  I had no urges but my brain knew something was amiss.

That said - there is a small satisfaction of being strong, of doing what i should have been doing all along.  Now, we were only talking a couple of hours here but by experiencing the feeling of not having to hide anything, not having to worry as there was nothing to hide.  It was something to build on.  I think you should try to look at these little periods not so much and white knuckling, but also as successes.  If you need to get up and take a walk - the do so, get away from the computer if you are able.

Sounds like you have the right frame of mind - and it will get easier.

Stay strong.

 

[survivor]

Hey guys:

Thanks for the supportive comments. I'm doing okay still. Got through my 15-20 minute stint of white knuckling and then did a bunch of yard work. I know I'm gonna make it today. That said the feeling of loss regarding not being able to do my thing anymore is starting to become more prominent. Think I'm gonna go do some more yard work! Sometimes it doesn't even feel safe to stop for lunch when I'm by myself.

Hangin' in there,

Survivor

 

[savingmysoul]

Hey Survivor,

How was your weekend?

Keep filling those moments with positive activities - the feeling of missing something will slowly go away and be replaced with wanting to be engaged in more positive activities. 

Talk to yo soon, hope you are doing well.

Stay strong.