Chronically damaged self-confidence

[Emerald Blue]

I'm getting fed up with carrying the ton weight of the damage my partner's porn use did to my self esteem.

How I feel isn't based on anything objective or factual. It's what HIS very long term porn addiction did to how confident and assured I feel *within my relationship. If I look at the situation from another perspective, I don't think I'd have all these anxieties about my sexual confidence, my age, my appearance and all the rest. We all know that being in a relationship, when it's healthy, means that you can allow yourself to be vulnerable and feel safe in the knowledge that someone who loves you in the same way will respect that, and it is a two way process. Each can be vulnerable and each can feel secure enough to be vulnerable with each other. But after all the crap of porn addiction, the thousands of naked bodies on a screen, and choosing to masturbate to a screen in preference of intimacy, the secrecy, the lying, and ultimately the loss of emotional intimacy, well you just end up feeling worthlessness and useless and undesirable, too this, too that, not good enough etc etc.

Our recovery has been volatile at times as we've each gone through our respective pain barriers. Highs followed by lows, followed by highs, over and over. It doesn't take much to feel like shit all over again. Lately my husband has had a few issues, and somehow I feel like I'm back in the early days of recovery. I've lost my sexual confidence and I feel like an old has-been who will never be that sexy young thing she used to be. I wonder who I am, what's happened to me. I used to feel good about myself, I used to feel good about the things I did, and now I feel like I don't even know how to have an interesting conversation with anyone. I think I'm not interesting enough, not smart enough. And I just want to let go of all this negativity.

If I wasn't in a relationship with a porn addict I wouldn't have anywhere near the stress. I'm not saying I want to quit my relationship. I just want to feel better about myself and my life without the constant feelings of doubt and insecurity. I mean, when someone traded your sexuality for a cheap porn habit, how on earth does anyone ever feel comfortable about their sexuality again. This was my husband not some teenage crush that wasn't going to last. After he started using online porn he turned into someone quite cold and nasty, selfish and even agressive. Porn changed him. The vulnerablity to addiction was there, but he was never such a bastard towards me until then. Most of the time he was OK, but increasingly cold and distant. Quitting porn hasn't changed these unpleasant facets of his personality. Mostly he's perfectly decent but it's as if he perfected the art of being emotionally detached through maintaining his double life.

All I know is that I'm finding it difficult to recover from chronic loss of confidence. I've done all the right things but I just can't manage it. I've tried therapy and CBT for depression. I've done lots of confidence boosting activities, and that's all fine, but there is an aspect of living with the reality of a porn addiction that undermines my whole sense of being. I used to be strong. I'm not strong. I just want to be rid of this feeling. Just like a PA described their addiction as a burden they want to be feee of, I want to be free of the burden of the damage it has caused me. I don't have anything to quit. It's like they free themselves of their burden and we are suddenly responsible for carrying it. And it feels like a huge drain on my strength, my courage, my condifidence. I just want to be myself again.

 

[cuppatea]

Have you guys done couples counseling at all? Has he done counseling?

Some of the issues you have you can probably tackle on your own, our self worth ultimately comes from ourselves though our own past and experiences can shape that very much. I know for me I've always put my self worth in what others think of me, any criticism would seem/feel like an insult to my very core, I've also never wanted to upset people or have people not like me, which is unrealistic really. Through my own counseling I've been peeling back these layers and examining them and then putting myself back together in a more whole and healthy way. I had taken all the blame for his porn addiction at first, even if not intellectually, I was doing so emotionally because of how I was projecting myself worth on to others, so to me I felt if I was a better wife, sexier, had bigger boobs, was better in bed etc he wouldn't have turned to porn, but non of that is true, i could be a porn star and he still would be a porn addict who looked at porn instead of having a faithful intimate relationship with. It's effected me but it's not about me and it never was and I'll be damned if I let it be about me now.

I'm feeling pretty ok with myself at the moment, including my overall appearance but beyond that I'm a good person, I have a lot of qualities and things to offer, I'm not perfect by any means but I am a worthwhile person who has a lot to offer to other people in my life. I'm a good and loving wife, I'm a good mother whose trying to give my children a much more emotionally healthy upbringing that what I had, I have a good sense of humour (quite dark and sarcastic too), I have a lot of love for my friends and family, I hate to see people unhappy and am always willing to be an ear to people that need it, I'm trustworthy and dependable and I could go on. My husband's porn addiction can't take that away from me, unless I let it, which isn't to say I don't have my down days and honestly I went to a really hideous place with my self esteem and confidence etc, but his addiction was never about me, or my appearance, or my worth. Yes he did choose porn over me and yes that is hurtful and I have anger and sadness around that that will need to be addressed by myself and also as a couple (if that is going to work out), but it still wasn't about me, it was about him, him not dealing with his own issues in a healthy way, him falling into the trap of porn because he had no idea it could become addiction, him justifying things to himself and never taking a step back to take stock of what it was doing to him, or me or us. He also didn't start off at the place he ended up, it happened slowly over years and years of his brain getting messed up by that shit. To me I see that he's brain damaged by it, it sounds extreme but just like drug addicts or alcoholics damage themselves physical so do porn addicts and that doesn't happen over night and it can't be repaired without a lot of work on their part. His intent wasn't to destroy his wife, his marriage and his family, he wasn't even really conscious of what he was doing it for, beyond it was fun, he didn't realise he was an addict before d-day and it's taken him several months to start accepting that he is one even then. That realisation is hitting him hard at the moment, his had his whole fake reality and walls of justification come crashing down, it's an ugly mess, but it's not my mess. It's only now that he's starting to get what he was doing, and that he needs to put it right, he needs to examine that and understand why he did it so he doesn't repeat it. I need him to do that to rebuild a relationship with him and if he doesn't there won't be one. When he was still in denial and the back and forth was happening I was feeling like the relationship was dying a death of a thousand cuts. Maybe this is where you are, if he's not addressing the damage porn did and not working on his root causes how will he ever get to a place where he can truly be a partner in rebuilding? Maybe it's time for you to add some more boundaries around recovery so you can move to a healthier place with how you view yourself, it's not fair to you if his lack of commitment to getting fully well is dragging you down too.

 

[stillme]

I am going through the same thing. What I have discovered for me is that the reason why it hurts is that I took my vows seriously. I thought I was taking my time and choosing wisely when I went into this relationship with my husband. I trusted him and the person he presented himself to be.

I don't care how 'strong' someone presents themselves to be, if your own husband chooses to jack off to porn rather than come to bed and have real sex with you - it is going to damage your self confidence. When your husband is turned on by images you could never be - that is going to cause damage.

I know a lot of partners go into the "I don't care what he does, I will live my own life" mode, but that doesn't work for me. What is the point in being married to someone, committing to a supposedly monogamous relationship - when you are saying you don't care if they like you, you don't care if they want you, you don't care if they find you attractive. I don't know how that can be healthy. I guess I won't judge others, but I know that "I" can't do that. I can't pretend to be married to someone and then state they I am perfectly okay if they find me disgusting. Mind you - I am far from disgusting, but you get the point. It feels like I am disgusting when my husband chose for years to forgo a sexual relationship with me.

I want to feel wanted. I want to feel that the man I committed to be married to for the rest of my life thinks that I am special and worth more than prostitutes that sell their body to the highest bidder.

The big thing for me is that - I didn't go into this relationship knowing I was marrying a porn addict. I don't think any of us did. There is NO WAY I would have willingly married a porn addict, not in a million billion years. It is too painful, because their addiction is tied to something that is supposed to be so sacred in a marriage.

My husband and I are in our forties - I had no plans of 'competing' with porn stars when I was in my forties - especially after having children and my body not being what it was over a decade ago. I am not overweight, I eat right and exercise, but time waits for no one and you change. He has changed. But, I would never put pictures of muscle chested twenty sometimes all over our walls and drool over those men. I would never do that to my husband. I would never do anything to make him feel unwanted. I would never do anything that would mock his masculinity and make him feel like he was less than a man. His porn addict was an assault to the most basic aspects of my femininity.

I am a sexual being myself. There are times when I want to feel sexy and even a little risqu?. Nope, not anymore. I would be embarrassed to parade around in a sexy nightgown and do a little dance for my man. I would have done that in the past. But now, I feel I would just look silly - how can I compete with all the professionals he watched that are low locked into his long term memory?

There are times when I would like to try some new things in bed. Nope, not anymore. I feel like a failure. I feel unsure of myself and unsure that I could ever please my man. Even though know he can successfully have sex and ejaculate and he says he is satisfied - I don't believe him. Even when he has ejaculated and is breathing hard and his heart is racing and he is telling me how good it all felt - I don't believe him. In my mind I think I am a failure, that maybe he was bored or thinking of some webcam girl or he is faking because he knows it would hurt my feelings if he admitted he would rather jack off instead.

I didn't used to be embarrassed to be naked in front of my husband. Now I feel like my body is a floppy, flabby pile of trash next to the thousands of images of prefect women. I wear between a size US 6-8, and yet I feel as big as a house. How can I ever compare to silicon and plastic surgery and camera angles and good lighting? I didn't used to feel that way. I used to dress up and look in the mirror and practice a seductive smile for my husband and even send him a selfie (head shot and fully clothed). Now I feel stupid. Here I was thinking he thought I was beautiful, thinking my husband was not the type to be tempted by other women, thinking when I walked into a room I had nothing to feel intimidated about.

I wasn't trying to impress other men, I was trying to impress my husband. For years I told myself, because he told me, that I was the most beautiful woman he ever met.  To realize that, nope - I'm not the most beautiful woman to him., it hurts. I didn't just want to be the mother of his kids or the woman he 'committed' to, I wanted to be the person he wanted. I wanted him to want me, not just be obligated to me.

He tries to say I am beautiful now, but I don't believe him. He knows when I have worked hard to look good and he will say kind things, but the words ring hollow. I look in the mirror and it all looks different now. I am never satisfied, never happy, never good enough. Not since I was a teenager have I ever been this uncomfortable in my own skin.

I want the old me back, I want that woman who didn't care who else was in the room because I was happy with me. I want that woman back who wants to shake her butt for her husband and blow him a kiss, look over my shoulder and give him a sly smile and think I am sweeping him off of his feet. I look in the mirror trying to find her, but so far she hasn't returned. I miss her, I miss the old me, but I think she might be gone forever. Another casualty of the porn industry, and I didn't even do anything wrong.

 

[cuppatea]

Sorry maybe i didn't come across well in my post. It's not that I don't care or that I'm stronger, I do care a lot about what he's done and I've been deeply hurt by it, I'm still deeply hurt. A lot of work is going to be needed to fix the relationship and its never going to be like it was, because that's just not possible now.
It's just that recently ive made that disconnect they talk about doing and I've come to realise (with months of counseling) that the only person who can determine how i feel about myself is me. There isn't a lot I can control in this situation, so much of my future currently rests in his hands but the things I can control I will do and my self worth is one of them, as a boundary ive set for my own emotional well being I won't let anyone, even my husband, dictate how i feel about myself. For me it's about a choice I'm making every moment of the day and mostly its around stopping my own negative self talk and replacing with affirmations, but also that disconnect has helped, it's shifted my perspective some what. Hard to explain.

However if in a year we are no further forward i will likely be in another place emotionally, I might get majorly triggered tomorrow and be there

 

[stillme]

I definitely understand where you are coming from, it is just that the disconnect isn't possible for me. I definitely have been told about self affirmations and that I am the only one who should be determining how I feel about myself. It is just that it feels disingenuous to me. I get that for other people, it is totally possible. Maybe if my husband and I were divorcing at this moment is would be different, because I could write him off as a complete idiot, jerk, and eternal liar. However, because at this point we aren't parting ways, I can't disconnect from how he feels (or my perception of how he feels).

I guess the best way to explain it is that a big part of his counseling, focus, and recovery process is centered around reconnecting with me. I am not sure how it works if he is trying to connect with me and I am trying to disconnect from him. It seems like we would pretty much be switching roles, with him mentally and emotionally entering the relationship and me mentally and emotionally leaving the relationship. I don't understand how to call myself married to someone whom I don't have a connection to. The reason d-day happened was because I felt him disconnecting from me and decided I didn't want to live like that. I was on a hunt to figure out 'why' he was disconnecting, and I found it. I have no desire to be the perpetrator of disconnecting from the relationship, but calling it a marriage. I am not judging other people's marriage - people get and stay married for a number of reasons and all of them valid. I would just rather be single if I am going to not be connected with him. I don't want to put myself in a situation where I open myself up to straying from the marriage (whether physically or simply emotionally) because I just really don't care about his feeling. I would love to say, "I would never", but I thought he would never - and he did. He needed to be disconnected from me first to do that.

And, I will be honest - it does feel good to get compliments. I just have never seen anyone strong enough to have the entire world calling them ugly that could simply shake it off and say they were beautiful. So, if I believe my husband thinks I am ugly, but I get affirmations from people outside the home (and I do get my share of compliments and even stares - not usually welcomed, but it happens), I don't know where that would lead me emotionally.

I also think my husband should see and feel my upset. One issue I have had in the past is having a 'stiff upper lip'. I didn't let him know how deeply things affected me and that is one of the reasons he could stray so far and think it wasn't as big of a deal. He is learning how to see, feel, and respond to emotions with his therapy. The biggest person in the world he needs to respond to is me. I don't want to walk around making him think I am 'fine' or I am doing 'okay'. I am not, I'm broken. If he isn't willing or able to help fix what he broke, he needs to move on. The is the 'in sickness and in health' part of the vows and it is time for him to live up to them or leave and start a new life somewhere else.

 

[stillme]

I also want to add that I am not having overall issues in areas of self-confidence. These issues are centered around me as a sexual being and my overall femininity. I don't deal with general self abasement. I don't question my role as a mother, I don't question my intelligence, I don't question my ability to do my job, or any other areas in life. So, I am not 'depressed', I am not walking around hating every aspect of myself.
This damage of self-confidence relates to a very specific area of my life. However, it is an important area because it is pertinent to one of my most important roles in life - that is being a wife. Part of the reason why my husband's issues hit me so hard is because I am confident in every other area of my life and I while we were struggling, I didn't realize just how damaged my husband's perception was of me as his wife and as a woman in general.
So, I am not sitting around crying all day and I haven't dropped out of life. I am active and doing things to have fun and making memories and all sorts of other stuff. But, I truly valued my relationship with my husband. Not only was he my husband, he was also my best friend. I am at an all or nothing place because this relationship was so important. I don't want to be acquaintances with my husband. I crave an honest, deep, meaningful relationship or none at all.

 

[Finally Real]

Stillme, I just have to say you almost wrote exactly how I feel.  I am a very confident woman.  Everyone who knows me would tell you that...but the part of me that is not confident anymore is the sexual part with my husband and best friend. 

We are still great friends, but now I always question the sexual side of our relationship. I ask the same questions you ask...is he really happy with me...does he really want me...deep down I don't think so.  He says he does, but it doesn't ring true to me.

I can't enjoy our intimate times anymore...I am always thinking "I wonder how I look...is he thinking of something/someone else?"  I can't get past this...and it has ruined sex for me.

What do we do?  How do we get past this?  Go to counseling?  I have done that but I still can't get past it.  We haven't done couples counseling.  He doesn't feel comfortable talking about sex with strangers.

I think this is the hardest part of recovery.  The initial part is very traumatic but this stage is so internal and part of our identity as a woman that it is like a chunk of ourselves has been damaged and we can't regenerate it.

I am so glad to know that others also feel this way.  It helps somehow to know that I am not the only one struggling with this because mostly I do feel so very alone with this issue.

 

[cuppatea]

Yes I also want a deep meaningful intimate relationship. In fact before this we were kind of like flatmates that had sex a few times a month, I have said to him if all we get back is what we had 1 day before d-day then that's not enough for me, i want more than that. The whole situation had me take a big step back and really assess what I want and need in a relationship. I think when one decays over years you kinda don't even really notice it happening until something makes you take a step back.

One area where things were not so bad for us, our sex life whilst not super magnificent it hadn't died out, he doesn't have PIED and we still had sex fairly regularly and it was never porn like sex either. I think he had compartmentalised to a degree his porn use from his sex life. I'm not happy that he used porn, not happy at all and we would have had more sex if he wasn't using it, I'm deeply hurt to my core about it and to me it does feel like he was cheating on me by doing that, i"m not sure how it could feel like anything other than that it was such an intimate betrayal. That does need repair work and a lot of it. I also have my own doubts around sex now too, and in fact at the moment I've lost all desire to even have sex, until a couple of nights ago we were sleeping in separate beds as well.

My disconnect hasn't been that I want to be disconnect from him, I don't, I actually want us to be more connected, that's the end goal in this disaster, however I've disconnected my feelings about myself from him. Maybe disconnect is the wrong word, it's more that I've disentangled or unmeshed myself from him, well and anyone else really. Like I said in a previous post I had my self worth very much tied up in what other people thought about me, which wasn't healthy. I'm kind of making a separation between me and us, if that makes sense and in part that's so I'm in a better position emotionally if things fall apart completely. A few months ago I was struggling to get out of bed or get dressed. I needed to make changes to myself to not be there again.

Emerald I understand about not being able to enforce that concrete boundary you have without having the evidence, however I was thinking more about emotional boundaries or relationship boundaries. You should be feeling valued by your husband and he should be actively trying to repair things with you. Couples counseling may help, even if just to open his eyes a little more to the situation.

 

[Firstbigstep]

Dear ladies, partners of porn addicts.

I'm sat here with tears in my eyes, even though I'm reading your accounts at work. I can't fix your relationships. I can't give you back your sexual confidence. I can't restore your self esteem. I can't do anything to help you personally.What I an do is tell you how your stories moved me. How they opened my eyes to the pain I have caused my partners over they years. To how I must have made them feel.

I was never completely secret about my habit, but none of the three significant women in my life have ever known about its extent. Hell, it's only 21/2 weeks since I realised I had a problem.

I'd like to apologise to you for the pain we've caused you.

Speaking personally, it was such a subtle change from casual viewer to desensitised addict - it took a long time and it was a stealthy process. I loved all three of those women. Honestly, genuinely and whole heartedly. I wanted them, fancied them, found them attractive and sexy. But there was something else in my life that gradually eroded my ability to make those feelings clear.

I wish I'd had the knowledge I have now. I wish I'd stopped my descent into addiction and I wish with all my heart that I was still with any one of them.

Wishes are just that. I plan now to be a better man for whoever next gets close to me.

I'm so sorry for the pain and damage I've caused and for not even realising I'd caused it. I can't ask you to forgive your partners, as you probably feel like the three women whose self esteem I damaged and they all left me because of it. But I don't think any of the guys on here ever thought they'd end up here.

 

[Gracie]

Oddly enough, this was a conversation I had just last night.  I have a family member going through a different addiction with a partner in her life.  There is a wealth of help and understanding about her situation.  She can talk to a multitude of friends and relatives about how his addiction makes her feel.  Now let's look at porn addiction, who can we talk to?  If a man views porn, the way we are raised is that the woman is the pits.  Totally the pits, otherwise he would not look.  So we are the bad ones.  Who can we talk to?  To whom can we say, "Hey I just found out why Fred has ignored me sexually for the last several years.  He has a porn addiction.  But hey its okay, he says it's not me."  Ha!!! Everyone thinks:  She doesn't put out enough.  She let herself go.  She won't do what he wants and needs.  She is a cold fish.  She is wrapped up in her kids.  She doesn't understand a man's needs.  So of course we feel it is us. 

WAKE UP!  We have to work through this alone.  Especially if we are in a rural community.  Not everyone has access to mental health help.  We read and read and read it is not us.  BUT it feels that way.  We feel, IF ONLY............fill in the blank on how we had to be different.  We hear, it was accidental, I didn't see it happening.  REALLY every night we hear, I am not sleepy.  Then YOU make the CHOICE.  We are not talked to, sought out for companionship or sex.  The man becomes a hermit. 

How can our esteem not be severely damaged? 

 

[cuppatea]

Good luck with your journey firstbigstep. Have you considered writing to your ex partners and explaining this new found knowledge. Not with the intent of reconciliation but there is something to be said for making right of wrongs. It will likely help them and may help you too.

Yes Gracie, it's a very lonely journey.

 

[Loleekins]

Good luck with your journey firstbigstep. Have you considered writing to your ex partners and explaining this new found knowledge. Not with the intent of reconciliation but there is something to be said for making right of wrongs. It will likely help them and may help you too.

Yes Gracie, it's a very lonely journey.

Wonderful suggestion, Cuppa.

 

[BuddhaAwake]

Great post- firstbigstep. The wonderful partners in this forum have done so much to educate and inspire me, more than the porn addict forum, in fact. I wish there was some way I could help the partners here in return. They've suffered so much through no fault of their own. It's heartbreaking and unfair to see so much more pain and the effort being extended here than in many of the porn addicts forum posts.

The best I can offer is this prayer of lovingkindness:

May you all be happy. May you be safe. May you be healthy. May you live with ease.

I fear much of this will not come to pass, or will do so only after much more pain and many more tears.

Too many of the PA posts (not saying all or even most) seem to focus on "When can I expect to recover from PIED?" and "Can I ever go back to casual porn?"

The posts in this forum delve so much deeper into the damage to relationships and the desire for full recovery and restoration of trust.

 

[Firstbigstep]

Cuppatea - I will speak to two of my partners, who i still see - one being the mother of my child. I don't yet feel I have worked through enough of this issue to be confident enough in myself to face them but I agree that sharing my feelings may help with moving forward for all of us.

Emerald Blue - I fully understand the pain you are enduring (as best I can from a different body, different gender, different world) One thing I've learnt (but really don't understand, even in myself) is that porn wasn't what I chose in place of my partners - I still wanted them, but the insidious way that pornography seeped into me somehow made it apparent to my partners that I had my mind elsewhere. Porn was an easy, lazy way of me getting my dopamine high - I don't think I was even watching it at times, I was just in  my routine.

I sincerely hope you heal from this.

 

[MZ]

I dont know if my post will help or no but i hope it deos. Im a female addict who is addicted to porn, which means im in going in the same reboot as other men here, i just want to tell and enssure all of u that it is a brain issue, not attraction issue. If u asked me would you choose a hot guy porn star over a guy i love and i want? I'll say no and im 100% sure about my answer. U feel worthless and he will choose or he already chose those porn stars over u but in most cases he wont. He is hooked bcoz its addiction, bcoz its brain issue not attraction issue. I hope my post help as u can hear me say it, as im female not a guy saying his typical words or lies.

 

[stillme]

I dont know if my post will help or no but i hope it deos. Im a female addict who is addicted to porn, which means im in going in the same reboot as other men here, i just want to tell and enssure all of u that it is a brain issue, not attraction issue. If u asked me would you choose a hot guy porn star over a guy i love and i want? I'll say no and im 100% sure about my answer. U feel worthless and he will choose or he already chose those porn stars over u but in most cases he wont. He is hooked bcoz its addiction, bcoz its brain issue not attraction issue. I hope my post help as u can hear me say it, as im female not a guy saying his typical words or lies.

But, they are choosing that porn star over their spouse. This is not a "thought", this is the reality of the situation. When a man will NOT have sex with his wife, but will jack off to porn - he is choosing that porn star over his wife. Many of us here have noted that our husbands literally turned us down for sex while they were jacking off to porn. It doesn't matter if it is an "attraction" or "addiction", the results are the same for the partner - literally, not figuratively, being rejected for porn.

What stopped many of our husbands was when d-day came and they knew they were going to lose us in every way. For me, as my husband is coming out of the fog (over six months since his last PMO or even viewing porn), he is just now able to come to terms with what he was doing to me while he was addicted to and using porn. He was content with not having sex with me, had little to no desire for sex with me, while he was jacking off to porn. When d-day hit and he knew I was about to file for divorce - as in I had secured a lawyer and was going to file the paperwork in the morning - that was the shock that he needed. It wasn't his 'love' or 'attraction' for me, it was the realization that porn was about to cost him EVERYTHING. If porn only costed him an intimate relationship with his wife, that was acceptable. When porn was going to cost him public embarrassment, losing daily contact with his children, having the assets divided, having to admit to the world that the reason his wife left was because he was jacking off to porn like a teenager - that is what it took for him to stop porn. So, no - my husband didn't really chose "me" over porn, he chose the entire package that came with me (marriage, children, lifestyle, etc.). But, when it came head to head - who do you want to spend the night with - you wife or a cam girl, for years - the porn webcam girl won every time.

That is the reality. It doesn't matter if it was dopamine or anything else - there is no denying what was really actually happening. The cause isn't what is important, it is addressing the reality. Just like - if someone punched you in the face and broke your jaw, it doesn't matter why they punched you, your jaw would still hurt. If your jaw is in pain, your face disfigured, your teeth shifted, and you are looking at spending a lot of money to get everything fixed - does it matter whether or not they punched you because they were angry or that they punched you because they were drunk? The reason behind why that person punched you does nothing to stop the pain that is affiliated with the punch. In fact, claiming "the addiction made me do" it just feels like an excuse and like the recovering addict is trying to use addiction as a get out of jail free card and not take responsibility for what they did. The rejection didn't start at the point of addiction, the rejection started the first time they every chose to engage with porn when they had a spouse/partner they should have been engaging with instead.

 

[MZ]

If this is the case then u totally have the right about everything and i think this is what hurt, to know that u r right. Im not in ur position but i can totally understand how its hurt when u feel unwanted and a man u loved and u always loved, chose some artificial shit over u which is just gives me another 100 reasons to hate this industry, i reallly hate it and i hope one day we can live in a world where there is no porn. I really hope u find a way out from all of this and to regain the old happy confident u. Stay up never down