Can marriage be reinvigorated by giving up P?

[DonaNobisPacem]

Hi guys
Been struggling for 18 years (I'm 37) and am on my latest attempt to quit.
I am on day 20 but during that time I have indulged in a particular fetish (with my wife) that is very much tied into my P "likes".
A few questions for all who can relate to my situation:
1) Should I also consider giving up sex for a while and how realistic is that? Will I explode? I seem to get trembling episodes when I have not been getting any release at all.
2) If I did a long term sexual reboot, could it help me view my wife in the way that a man should view his wife? It seems that, for so long, I have viewed my wife through a pair of self centred and selfish spectacles.
Thanks in advance

 

[William]

I think a lot of us are afraid to touch this question.  But here goes.  Whatever other issues you have in your marriage, if you are an active porn addict and married, it is not helping the marriage.  Mentally, to say the least, you are very distracted from your wife, and you are focusing on the addiction, even, as you say, importing it into your marriage.  Obviously, your wife is going along with it, so, maybe she does not mind, but, I promise you, there is a disconnect there because of your use of porn.

I think the answer to your question is:  do the hard 90 and find out how it changes things.  Get back to balanced, then ask who you and your wife are, sexually.  Basically, you are asking "should I quit using, and what are the benefits?"  I think the answer to the first question is obviiously, yes.  The answer to the second is, you cannot know until you get clean.

Hope this helps.

w.

 

[YoungFire]

Agree with everything Will said, even though i'm not married myself,

Because of porn, i felt a huge great deal of distance between me and my girlfriend, just a mental barrier which prevented me from feeling as close to her as i could, this transferred over to her and she felt it too, after completing 90 days, we got on more than ever, the sex was fantastic & we used to stay up all night talking.

Fell back into my old ways, and even though the mental barrier isn't as bad as it used to be, it's returning, this is why i've got on the wagon again because i can't go back to treating her how i was once.

Keep going, fight through the pain, you'll be happy when you come out the other side.

Sam.

 

[cuppatea]

Hello, my husband is about 70 days into his reboot. We've had sex throughout it. From what we've read gentle sex (avoiding anything pornish or fantasy like) should be ok and can even be helpful, but if you go without for 90 days you won't explode, you'll get withdrawals and experience some discomfort, but you won't actually explode

As for number 2, I would say do you want to change the way you view and interact with your wife? If the answer is yes then you need to do more than just stop watching porn. Not watching porn will undoubtedly help, but dealing with not being selfish anymore will take some extra work on your part. You could start by thinking about this one simple question, Is your wife happy? (I mean really truly happy, not surface happy)

 

[William]

Actually, I was recently at a rebooters convention with Gabe Deem, and during the feature presentation a slightly triggering picture was put up on the screen, and four members, out of approximately 400, did, actually, explode, and 2 passed out, and remain in a coma.  Pretty cool, actually, but the mess.  The good news is, the odds of anything really bad are 1, maybe 2%.  The convention was last year, and they still remain in a coma. 

OK.  What I just said is totally a lie.  Quitting porn, quitting PMO, and quitting MO, forever, even giving up O, forever, has no, actual, physically negative consequences, at all.  The feeling that it does is just your addiction making you feel like shit because you have giving it up.  It eventually goes away completely.

 

[aquarius25]

I would encourage you to talk to your wife about it. What does she think? What are her thoughts on your relationship and intimacy level? What are her thoughts on your P use and incorporating those techniques into your sex life? If you haven't told her, then why not? Secrecy is poison for a marriage and will rot the relationship from the inside out. Only true authentic communication can you build love on. That is just my perspective.

 

[DonaNobisPacem]

Thanks for all the thoughtful replies guys.
Aquarius25 - my wife knows all about my issues. There is definitely transparency but I can't deny that there are issues .When using P (and therefore turning into a very superficial person) it's hard to analyse the situation. It's like muddy water.
At the moment I'm on day 23 and also abstaining from sex. I almost feel asexual at the moment.
I feel like I'd like to become an unsexual person - not sure if this is a reaction to the years and years of filth.
I think I've had enough sexual pleasure for 3 lifetimes! ;D

 

[Emerald Blue]

I am the partner of a recovering porn addict. The disconnection began as soon as he could access online porn and from that point onwards our sexual relationship changed. He was less physically responsive and sex became increasingly infrequent to the point of it becoming once or twice a year. When PIED began to happen I gave up on sex completely. I had become so used to being turned down almost every time that I tried to initiate sex. I felt like shit. There's only so much rejection anyone can take before they can't go through it any more. We didn't have sex for years. He kept his regular date with porn. I had nothing. This is what happens if you let a porn addiction fester in a relationship. Before the internet and unlimited online free porn, our lovemaking was beautiful and exciting mutually pleasurable and satisfying, loving, in fact everything that anyone could want. But he fucked it up big time.

Only you can decide if quitting sex whilst detoxing from porn is right for you. The only thing I would say is cut out anything that resembles "porn sex" or more specifically, the things you would seek out on porn sites. Otherwise you may be triggered. Some fetishes are porn induced so keeping away from those ideas might actually show you that it was just a mindfuck and nothing that was genuinely part of your sexual template. Your partner needs to be united with you on this one. Even if she's not an addict herself, even if she liked it, it's more important to heal your relationship right now. Later on, once your porn addiction is a thing of the past, perhaps you can reintroduce fetish-like activities if they still appeal. You need to think in terms of avoiding potentially triggering activities for several months.

I don't know if you will see your wife differently after a "reboot". You might, but that surely depends on how you see her now. The so-called "reboot" period is not a magic formula to make guys super virile or cure anything. It's a period of abstinence that kickstarts the recovery process. You can't recover from porn addiction if you don't actually quit in the first place, hence 90 days to stop using pot. and put better lifestyle habits in place ? it's the first step in making changes. Quitting is for life, not just 90 days. It won't change your relationship unless you actually identify what your relationship issues are and commit to making it work.

 

[DonaNobisPacem]

I am  Quitting is for life, not just 90 days. It won't change your relationship unless you actually identify what your relationship issues are and commit to making it work.

My biggest issue is my superficiality. My wife has gained around 35kg in our time together, and this bothers me intensely. I think that I subconsciously withhold affection in reaction to her out of control eating.
Thing is, I don't know if porn has made me superficial or whether I would be like this anyway.
I HOPE that the day comes when my wife's weight no longer bothers me at all. She has no intention of losing weight so it's down to me to somehow lose the shallowness - I hope it's possible.
Tomorrow will be 30 days - feeling low at the moment. From what I can gather, that is fairly typical at the 1 month mark.

 

[offaxis]

NMMNG also advocates going on a "sexual moratorium" or period of abstinence and avoiding all sexual stimulation for while (months). This can help greatly highlight patterns where sexually dysfunctional behaviour is impacting your life and relationship intimacy. Reading the stories of others here can help but your life is unique and being able to see the impact of compulsive behaviour on my life and how it affects me was critical to breaking through the denial. What I saw made me very uncomfortable about myself.

While it is very uncomfortable emotionally and mentally, it cannot harm you physically. The fear of that pain is the addicted part of your brain that wants to keep getting its fix no matter what. A terrified child.

Stopping sexually compulsive behaviour won't fix anything by itself. That's not the point. What it will do is stop continuing the damage and allow you the space to begin to heal, recover and re-discover life without that distraction. Going down the path of taking away sexual coping mechanisms will be tough and painful but also greatly rewarding and I hope that by doing so you can learn much more about yourself and open up new and exciting paths in life.

Peace.

 

[mpkl]

Well how can you stop some shit by adding more shit?Im not against marriage but in this case the only one who can help you is yourself.Deep inside you know it too but your mind refuse to admit this.

 

[Emerald Blue]

DNP, your wife's weight gain may well be a symptom of her own emotional distress. You specifically mention her "out of control eating" which would indicate that she has a distressed relationship with food and it's something that needs addressing not only from an emotional situation but it's also putting her at risk of serious health problems.

Regardless of your porn addiction, for her own sake she needs to take control of her eating. There are many metaphors as to why women eat compulsively and gain weight. Some therapists have put forward the idea that the weight (that is, the fat)is a means "cushioning" themselves as a sort of protective layer. Or as a protest about making her presence felt in the world by taking up more physical space. Some people would see these ideas and metaphors as being a bit too much of a leap of imagination. However, there are women (and possibly some men) who overeat and gain weight as a way of avoiding intimate and sexual relationships, as it feeds (quite literally) their belief that they are/will be too physically unattractive to others. In that sense, the additional weight is a way of protecting against the pain and complexities of forming and maintaining intimate relationships.

Other people take the view that food can be addictive, just as porn can become addictive, in that both behaviors affect and subvert the reward centres in the brain. Perhaps you have some insight as a consequence of your own experiences of porn addiction?

I'm certainly no expert on these issues. I've never had issues with being overweight or anywhere near it, but I can speak from the experience of someone who has had issues with body image and a mild version of body dysmorphia (BDD) as a consequence of my partner's porn addiction. As part of my own recovery process, I've had to confront my own dysmorphia and rebuild my self image and my sexual identity. During my partner's PA I disguised my body shape with clothes as a means of protection (from the emotional pain of rejection) and as a way of hiding and disguising my sexuality. I had the belief that my body was primarily the reason for my partner's apparent preference for porn over having sex with me. I now know that was not the case but it took a lot of work to change my beliefs.

In today's culture, women can have difficult and complex issues with body image, food, weight, etc, and we're pretty much trained by consumerism in an image-based culture to have anxieties about every aspect of our being. I'm not saying that these are the answers to your immediate problems in your relationship, but I think it is worth considering that your own role in the relationship (your PA and related issues) may be contributing to the distress and the feelings of low self-esteem that your wife may be experiencing, and may play some role in her overeating.

Whatever your issues within the relationship, or as two individuals, you won't fix things if you keep her in the dark about your porn addiction. It's not something that can be put right with a 90 day reboot or whatever. Your addiction has had consequences, and with your wife being kept out of the loop, you have probably not yet recognised those consequences.

 

[fapfreezone]

1) Should I also consider giving up sex for a while and how realistic is that? Will I explode? I seem to get trembling episodes when I have not been getting any release at all.

Well, if you don't O for long enough, then you might just, well...in one sense anyway...actually explode! Of course, it will most likely happen in your sleep, but some rebooters report this happening during the day, so perhaps bring a spare pair of underwear with you wherever you go! But only if you quit sex and go hardmode. Bear in mind i'm not making a recommendation either way, just chatting.

Also,

I DO have an eating disorder and I can tell you that a world leading expert (professor Christopher Fairburn from the University of Oxford in the UK) says that after CBT has been tried, interpersonal therapy is the next treatment of choice for some eating disorders. That is, you work on your relationships and relationship skills to fix the eating problem. Relationship in this context just means relationship, though, not romantic relationship. This is from his book "Overcoming Binge Eating Second Edition", which I would recommend to anyone with a binge eating problem.

A binge eating problem doesn't involve drinking excessively or eating large portions at meals. It involves eating typically 1000-2000 calories of junk food (ice cream, chocolate, sweets, anything dessert-like and instantly eatable, i.e. no cooking) in a typical sitting, with typical frequencies of several times per week, between meals, with the feeling like you're out of control when you do it. If you do it deliberately, it's either overeating (for the taste) or comfort/emotional eating (to deal with distress). Note that binge eating is also distressing, so it can be hard to distinguish from emotional eating sometimes. I am telling you this in case you think she needs the book, but bear in mind that eating disorders are rare and typically happen to teenage females, so it's more likely that she's an emotional eater (IMO).

If she did have an eating disorder, I would definitely recommend against telling her you think you might have withheld sex as a form of punishment for gaining weight because you find her less attractive now, at least at first.

 

[aquarius25]

This may sound harsh and I usually don't speak in such black and white but I will say this. Anyone (man or woman) who uses sex as a manipulation, "withholding" for whatever reason is controlling and manipulative. I personally believe that if you are with someone like that then you should LEAVE! That is a form of abuse. It doesn't help anyone and its destructive behavior that is very damaging. Its a really cruel form of manipulation. If you have a problem don't manipulate, just communicate, talk, work things out with words. See if you can resolve and make a plan to move forward but manipulating a person is just wrong.

 

[DonaNobisPacem]

Oh, we have spoken - there IS transparency.
She knows I have major issues with her weight but her love of food is stronger than her desire to lose weight.
She knows that I am 100% faithful (in terms of seeking out an affair) and always will be. That is her bottom line - she has lost the instinct of wanting to be desired. As long as I am faithful, she is cool with the loss of desire.
Anyway, I don't want to give the impression that I am blameless - I have admitted to being "shallow". I hope that giving up P will eradicate that superficiality. I hope that physical beauty will stop being a big deal to me. 

 

[Emerald Blue]

She knows I have major issues with her weight but her love of food is stronger than her desire to lose weight.

It's interesting to note that you have issues about her weight i.e. to do with her appearance, whereas she has issues over food and eating, which I assume has more to do with emotional issues.

The thing that strikes me here is that she could be putting her health at risk if she is eating herself into obesity. Her "love" of food, as you put it, may actually be an emotionally-driven behaviour, food as a substitute for love, care, reassurance, etc. She may be seeking to fill an emotional void of loneliness or depression.  Above all else are the risks that she is placing on her health. it's not a joke. It's not a moral issue. She could end up with serious health conditions and spend the last 15-20 year of her life disabled from joint problems, diabetes, high blood pressure etc. Health is a lot more important than her appearance and having a "good figure". My guess is that your wife is probably suffering emotionally and physically. But I don't know. Good luck to you both.