TL
R: I've struggled with a "bad porn" addiction for 12 years. I had tried many different tactics with no long-term success (no longer than 3 months). I started a 100mg dose of Sertraline in late November and have had no relapses since: 42 days so far. More importantly, my thoughts have 'cleaned up' so I no longer fear a relapse. The change has been so dramatic that I wanted to share it with others who are struggling without success.
(In the post below I use "bad porn" as a euphemism for distressing/violent imagery).
My addiction started when I was 22. I had been using porn since I was about 13, but I was 22 when I first looked at bad porn. I had escalated from very mild stuff to this stuff over 11 years. At this point I knew I had a problem. From 22 until my mid 30s, I tried everything I could think of to stop looking at bad porn and also tried to give up porn all together. Here's a list of the things I tried:
- Installing Covenant Eyes
- Installing K9
- Getting rid of my smartphone
- Uninstalling all the apps on my smartphone that had a browser
- Giving admin password for my computer to my mum so I couldn't get around CE
- Leaving admin password at work so I couldn't get around CE
- Going to see counsellors (Cognitive Behavioural Therapy). I saw three different counsellors over the 12 years.
- Trying mindfulness
- Using a rubberband on my wrist to cause myself pain when I had 'bad thoughts'
- Trying to go cold turkey from bad porn
- Trying to go cold turkey from all porn
- Trying to go cold turkey from mb
- Reading books about the damage porn does to women
- Mbing every time I got an urge to try and keep the need for bad porn down
- Attending a porn addict support group
- Researching porn addiction, and trying to understand its causes and solutions
The most effective tactics were CE, counselling, and research. And when I say effective, I mean, I sometimes got to two or three months "bad porn" free. I managed to do this about five times over the 12 years. So yeah, not that effective all things considered.
This year I got so depressed about other life issues (as well as this problem) that I hit rock bottom. I became suicidal and knew I was in trouble, so I went to see the doctor. I told him everything basically. He referred me to a specialist counselling service, but also said I was clearly depressed and I should try Sertraline. I had been on Fluoxetine in 2009 for about nine months, and didn't really like it; although it fixed my depression, it dulled my emotions and I found that disconcerting. But the doctor seemed confident about these so I thought what the hell. One sentence he said has stuck with me: "Some people try it and are annoyed they waited so long".
I started Sertraline in 29th July. It improved my mood and the suicidal thoughts went away, which was good. I also recovered quicker from relapses. I.e. I didn't feel as awful for the few days after a relapse. On the downside, I was still relapsing every time I was left home alone. That was my trigger, being home alone. (It had gotten worse over the years too. In my 20s I could fight the urges for a while before succumbing. But now as soon as I was alone -- relapse.)
I also started seeing a counsellor with weekly sessions in September.
But the most interesting part of my story started in November. I had been researching my problem, but with more intensity than usual. (I liked doing the researching because it felt like it gave me control over my problem). I had found several articles that claimed anti-depressants like Sertraline were effective treatments for people with "paraphilias" (aka bad porn) or sex addiction. This is because these patients often had depression or OCD as a co-morbidity. These studies found that treating the co-morbidities first often solved the addiction problem too. I found several studies where patients were completely cured after taking Sertraline, other anti-depressants, or OCD medication.
Obviously, I found this extremely interesting. I knew I was depressed, and I was already on Sertraline. However, my dose was the minimum (50mg) and in the studies I read many of the patients needed 100mg or 150mg to help their addiction. Armed with this knowledge I talked to my counsellor. He was dismissive, considering it a quick fix. I then talked to my doctor. He thought that given how many years I'd been struggling, it was worth trying a higher dose to see if it would help.
So, in late November I started on 100mg of Sertraline. Since the day I started, I have had zero relapses. 42 days, and counting. Now I know that's not a huge amount of time, but for me, it is. But more importantly is the qualitative changes I have noticed in my brain. I still have desire for porn and sex, but the desire for "bad porn" has almost completely gone. When the thoughts about this bad porn do come, they aren't associated with a strong impulse anymore. I just observe the thoughts, feel strange for ever thinking I wanted to look at that stuff, and then they are gone. This is an enormous change from before where I was a slave to these desires.
The previous times where I've gone this long without bad porn, by this time my mind would be screaming for it. And when I relapsed, it would be an enormous relief. I would shake like I'd been injected with heroin the relief was so good. As I sit here typing (in a house alone too), I feel no urge to look at bad porn. I could look at some normal porn, but I could also not. My impulse control is stronger now.
Some studies I read during my research hypothesised about the link between seratonin, testosterone, and sexual problems like porn addiction. My own hypothesis is that low seratonin, combined with high testosterone, results in excess aggression which needs to be channelled in some way, internally or externally. I think some patients use violent or distressing porn as their way of channelling this aggression. I think this is the case for me, at least. I believe that now that my seratonin levels are normal, my naturally high levels of testosterone no longer result in excess aggression. (Also, thanks to the counselling, I now express myself more assertively, preventing the aggression from building up).
Worth adding a few caveats to this:
- In November, my stresses from other parts of my life also reduced fairly significantly. This could also be the reason, or a contributing reason, for my success so far.
- Sertraline or other ADs don't work for everyone, and when they do work, they don't always work the same way.
But with those caveats aside, so far so good.
If it does work, I will only have one regret: that I didn't find this drug sooner. 12 years of suffering that could have been avoided. There's still a little bit of stigma attached to drugs. They are seen as the easy way out. That is exactly why I didn't want to take them: I wanted to do it the honourable way. What a bunch of bullsh*t if it turns out these drugs would have helped me get back all that lost time :-(
R: I've struggled with a "bad porn" addiction for 12 years. I had tried many different tactics with no long-term success (no longer than 3 months). I started a 100mg dose of Sertraline in late November and have had no relapses since: 42 days so far. More importantly, my thoughts have 'cleaned up' so I no longer fear a relapse. The change has been so dramatic that I wanted to share it with others who are struggling without success.(In the post below I use "bad porn" as a euphemism for distressing/violent imagery).
My addiction started when I was 22. I had been using porn since I was about 13, but I was 22 when I first looked at bad porn. I had escalated from very mild stuff to this stuff over 11 years. At this point I knew I had a problem. From 22 until my mid 30s, I tried everything I could think of to stop looking at bad porn and also tried to give up porn all together. Here's a list of the things I tried:
- Installing Covenant Eyes
- Installing K9
- Getting rid of my smartphone
- Uninstalling all the apps on my smartphone that had a browser
- Giving admin password for my computer to my mum so I couldn't get around CE
- Leaving admin password at work so I couldn't get around CE
- Going to see counsellors (Cognitive Behavioural Therapy). I saw three different counsellors over the 12 years.
- Trying mindfulness
- Using a rubberband on my wrist to cause myself pain when I had 'bad thoughts'
- Trying to go cold turkey from bad porn
- Trying to go cold turkey from all porn
- Trying to go cold turkey from mb
- Reading books about the damage porn does to women
- Mbing every time I got an urge to try and keep the need for bad porn down
- Attending a porn addict support group
- Researching porn addiction, and trying to understand its causes and solutions
The most effective tactics were CE, counselling, and research. And when I say effective, I mean, I sometimes got to two or three months "bad porn" free. I managed to do this about five times over the 12 years. So yeah, not that effective all things considered.
This year I got so depressed about other life issues (as well as this problem) that I hit rock bottom. I became suicidal and knew I was in trouble, so I went to see the doctor. I told him everything basically. He referred me to a specialist counselling service, but also said I was clearly depressed and I should try Sertraline. I had been on Fluoxetine in 2009 for about nine months, and didn't really like it; although it fixed my depression, it dulled my emotions and I found that disconcerting. But the doctor seemed confident about these so I thought what the hell. One sentence he said has stuck with me: "Some people try it and are annoyed they waited so long".
I started Sertraline in 29th July. It improved my mood and the suicidal thoughts went away, which was good. I also recovered quicker from relapses. I.e. I didn't feel as awful for the few days after a relapse. On the downside, I was still relapsing every time I was left home alone. That was my trigger, being home alone. (It had gotten worse over the years too. In my 20s I could fight the urges for a while before succumbing. But now as soon as I was alone -- relapse.)
I also started seeing a counsellor with weekly sessions in September.
But the most interesting part of my story started in November. I had been researching my problem, but with more intensity than usual. (I liked doing the researching because it felt like it gave me control over my problem). I had found several articles that claimed anti-depressants like Sertraline were effective treatments for people with "paraphilias" (aka bad porn) or sex addiction. This is because these patients often had depression or OCD as a co-morbidity. These studies found that treating the co-morbidities first often solved the addiction problem too. I found several studies where patients were completely cured after taking Sertraline, other anti-depressants, or OCD medication.
Obviously, I found this extremely interesting. I knew I was depressed, and I was already on Sertraline. However, my dose was the minimum (50mg) and in the studies I read many of the patients needed 100mg or 150mg to help their addiction. Armed with this knowledge I talked to my counsellor. He was dismissive, considering it a quick fix. I then talked to my doctor. He thought that given how many years I'd been struggling, it was worth trying a higher dose to see if it would help.
So, in late November I started on 100mg of Sertraline. Since the day I started, I have had zero relapses. 42 days, and counting. Now I know that's not a huge amount of time, but for me, it is. But more importantly is the qualitative changes I have noticed in my brain. I still have desire for porn and sex, but the desire for "bad porn" has almost completely gone. When the thoughts about this bad porn do come, they aren't associated with a strong impulse anymore. I just observe the thoughts, feel strange for ever thinking I wanted to look at that stuff, and then they are gone. This is an enormous change from before where I was a slave to these desires.
The previous times where I've gone this long without bad porn, by this time my mind would be screaming for it. And when I relapsed, it would be an enormous relief. I would shake like I'd been injected with heroin the relief was so good. As I sit here typing (in a house alone too), I feel no urge to look at bad porn. I could look at some normal porn, but I could also not. My impulse control is stronger now.
Some studies I read during my research hypothesised about the link between seratonin, testosterone, and sexual problems like porn addiction. My own hypothesis is that low seratonin, combined with high testosterone, results in excess aggression which needs to be channelled in some way, internally or externally. I think some patients use violent or distressing porn as their way of channelling this aggression. I think this is the case for me, at least. I believe that now that my seratonin levels are normal, my naturally high levels of testosterone no longer result in excess aggression. (Also, thanks to the counselling, I now express myself more assertively, preventing the aggression from building up).
Worth adding a few caveats to this:
- In November, my stresses from other parts of my life also reduced fairly significantly. This could also be the reason, or a contributing reason, for my success so far.
- Sertraline or other ADs don't work for everyone, and when they do work, they don't always work the same way.
But with those caveats aside, so far so good.
If it does work, I will only have one regret: that I didn't find this drug sooner. 12 years of suffering that could have been avoided. There's still a little bit of stigma attached to drugs. They are seen as the easy way out. That is exactly why I didn't want to take them: I wanted to do it the honourable way. What a bunch of bullsh*t if it turns out these drugs would have helped me get back all that lost time :-(