Please help me.....

[Lauralou82]

Hi, I'm 34 and have been living with my partner (32) for about 14 months. I noticed his ED and lack of morning erections pretty quickly... I was so worried about his health - he had me thinking it was performance, sleep apnea, abusive ex's but I eventually showed him an article about "death grip" his reaction was not good. On my birthday he lay in bed sleeping and "ill" all day - the day was pretty much half way over before he even wished me happy birthday. I waited all day for a kiss that never came. As soon as I went downstairs he masturbated - literally as soon as I left the room. It's not the first time he's done this. Two days ago I eventually found porn on his phone. He's very good at clearing out evidence. He has agreed to reboot and I told him I need to put a 3 month time frame and if there's no improvement we will have to separate.... I'm absolutely heartbroken. He's laying with his back to me now and I have a physical pain in my chest.

I live with CPTSD and I'm really struggling. I had two anxiety attacks two days in a row after only having had a handful in about five years! I know this is hard and embarrassing for him but I really need some support.... My self esteem is none existant... I look at myself in the mirror and somethimes just burst into tears. I feel so lonely.... I've never been rejected sexually before.

Later that night that I found the porn I climbed atop him and tried to "fuck" him like I thought he wanted and he seemed to be enjoying it - then I realized I felt no love there and had to stop.... I felt disgusting!

I don't know how I'm going to cope with the coming months - what if he doesn't love me enough to reboot? I'm so scared

 

[aquarius25]

I am so sorry to hear that you are going through this. It is not an easy road. I know that you are probably feeling an overwhelming amount of emotions. Feeling like you have been rejected sexually isn't an easy feeling. Remember that is probably not what his intention is, even thought it completely feels that way. I know it feels scary but know that you have come to the right place and there is a community of support here for you.

Is he at a place where he can see that he has a problem and can admit it? I know you mentions feeling scared if he doesn't want to reboot but I would ask you... do you really want to be with an person who is in denial about an addiction? Remember this is a long road. Your recovery to the blow to your heart, self esteem, and your life is going to take time. Choosing to stay with a person who is a PA isn't an easy thing. I would use these few month to really think about what you want. Build yourself up and try, though I understand it easier said than done, to  not take on his addiction but rather heal and decide what you want for your life.

I wish you the very best and lots of prayers are sent your way!

 

[Lauralou82]

Thank you. I know I have to prioritise my own mental health atm - I have two children to consider also.

I managed to make myself eat a few sandwiches last night after eating nothing for two days. I'm I size 14-16 and yes I am slightly over weight but not massively. My partner had made a thoughtless comment when drunk about being a lion and having a pride... I replied in a jovial way the same thing I think most women would say "there better not be any other lionesses!" This was the day after I found the porn. He then switched into some kind of metophorical speaking where he said he'd prefer springboks..... He then told me I wasn't a springbok as I have too much meat on me.

Partner is still at the stage where he gets annoyed and embarrassed when ever the subject is brought up.... And quite nasty too.

I saw myself in the mirror and burst into tears.... I've also cried in the shower a few times now... I'm trying to let it out in a way that doesn't make my partner feel worse or more pressured. I just feel so lonely and the one person who is meant to love and support me can't even bring himself to kiss me properly. I miss feeling loved so much - for him to comfort me would mean so much. I miss him.

I'm not entirely sure if he is a full blown PA... He says maybe once a month but my gut instinct is that that's a lie. There's no denying the physical symptoms of ED and delayed ejeculation though.
He treied to say through describing a hypothetical situation that he was experimenting using the porn to get ready for me - never once has he woke me for sex since our first two months! And who wants to hear their partner needed to be aroused by someone else to be able to sleep with you?

I'm at a complete loss how to handle this.... Our sex life is our only issue apart from that this is the man I decided to commit myself to growing old with.... I can't believe I may lose something so good and important to me because of sex - but it's creeping into other areas of our relationship and spoiling everything! I hate he can't see what this is doing to me.

 

[malando]

If it were only once a month, he wouldn't have the symptoms he has. Which means he's also lying about it. This is classic porn addict behaviour. It also sounds like he's putting the responsibility for your flagging sex life onto you and your body type, when it's actually him who has conditioned his mind to only respond to hyper sexual images on a screen. No excuses, he needs to admit to what he's done, be truthful about the extent, understand the toll it has taken on you and your relationship, and make a concrete plan to go about fixing it. Also no more jokes and put downs about your body. If he doesn't agree to all that, he's in denial and things can't improve for either of you. It's wrong, what he's doing. This is line in the sand stuff. If he wants access to you, he needs to prove he's worthy of it. He needs a reality check, and a big one. And your well-being depends on him getting the message so I'd say you should do anything necessary to make sure he gets it. Feel free to quote me on this to him as a recovering male.

 

[Lauralou82]

So is it usual for men that have gotten themselves desensitized to avoid affection? I've noticed since I found the porn  that me displaying affection irratates him - I'd noticed it before but now it seems worse.

For months I've been craving to be kissed properly - one of those kisses that move you where you know the other person is putting love and wanting into it. This situation has been going on over nine months now and I was so confused why.... I cried and begged him to help me understand and he watched me fall apart.

Is disinterest common too? When I go down on him (which he always asks me to do on the occasions where we actually do anything) I've noticed he stares off elsewhere.

He says he loves me... No one is forcing him to stay and he has other options. I don't know what's going on!

 

[malando]

It hasn't happened to me but there are plenty of accounts of such things happening on this forum. There may be other psychological things at play too, but certainly this is very consistent with porn addiction. Basically when the brain is hyper stimulated on a regular basis, it becomes a dopamine junkie. Dopamine is the feelgood chemical in the brain. Like a drug, the more of it you have, the more you need to experience a rush. Porn addicts basically exhaust their dopamine response to the point where real life affection or the prospect of sex with a normal person holds reduced or no pleasure reward for them any more. Such a person might very well avoid affection, knowing that to engage in it might expose their problem. But they will continue to use very strong porn material because it's the only thing that makes them feel sexual anymore.

If the problem is exposed, P-addicts will often try to shift the blame - sometimes by saying they are work-stressed, not feeling well, or even by suggesting their partner is not attractive enough for them anymore. These are all copouts to avoid admitting the problem. That deception cuts deep in a relationship, and it often becomes generalised deception in many areas of a relationship. P-addicts become evasive, disconnected, aloof, physically withheld. All of the things you mentioned that are happening are totally consistent with a porn-addiction. Your instincts are right on the money and he needs to be called on this until he admits the extent of it. Tell him he's not fooling anyone. He can admit it now and get help, or he can pretend and lie about it and watch your relationship circle the drain. It's time for him to be a real man and confess and do something about this. If he dismisses this and calls you a hysterical woman or something else insulting, tell him this is straight from the mouth of a male in recovery.

 

[Lauralou82]

So how do I approach the conversation in a way that will not put him in defensive mode? I don't want to issue ultimatums but I need him to understand the seriousness and the threat it poses to our relationship..... How can I make him see and believe I'm willing to work through this with him (to do this I do need to know he is fully committed to recovery) without him thinking it's a personal attack?

I've told him I need time to process this myself and that I need his support to be able to move on but he seems to expect me to just be able to " get over it" like it's not a big deal.... I don't think he realizes I'm actually mourning for the relationship I thought I was in - the pain is crippling! I genuinely do feel as if this is an actual loss.... I think if he had left me for someone else then the pain would be the same.

 

[malando]

I can't say what will reach him best, because I don't know him. You are obviously quite worried about his reaction about confronting him. I guess you are afraid of your relationship breaking up over this? But you have to remember that your relationship is already suffering badly because of this problem - only you can decide, of course, but maybe it's worth the risk. You might have to issue some ultimatums of some sort. You can craft them in whatever way you think will reach him best, but I do think he needs to understand that ignoring this will have consequences for him. Whether or not something is classified as an ultimatum or not is academic - but what you are concerned with is consequences. You know you can't bear this any longer - it really does threaten your future together. It's not necessarily an ultimatum to make that clear to him. It's a consequence. If he really cares about you, the least he can do is care about how you're feeling and give it some intense consideration. If he's so sure he's not a porn addict, how can he explain why he's effectively impotent and disinterested in sex in his early 30s? And if he's unwilling to confront this, to show you affection, to even respect how you're feeling - wouldn't that mean that your relationship is already over? Give him a chance to the limits of your patience, but if he won't come to the party, I think it's very valid to say you can't do this anymore and this is killing your feelings for him.

Maybe you should give him links to this website and ask him to look through it and see if he thinks any of it applies to him.

 

[Lauralou82]

I gave him the links to this website a couple of days ago but I don't think he's looked at it anymore than reading the specific page I sent him - which was a post by a user giving reassurance that not only can a couple get through this but they can become closer and have a deeper more genuine/long lasting connection for having shared the journey.

He knows I've found a support site and when asked what I was doing I said I was on a partner support forum - his immediate reaction was if I'd posted anything identifying... Which I get but he didn't follow it up with any questions about the content.

He later asked what it was and if it was something I was going to share - I told him I wasn't hiding anything and it was an open forum should he choose to explore it himself and see what it's about.... He hasn't though.

You're right about my feeling like the relationship has been killed - he does have a chance to save us and for us both to have the future together that we've been planning. I need to know he understands and is committed to that though and see/feel evidence of it before I can begin to heal or even hope that the trust I had for him will return.

This is a guy I trusted implicitly... The knowledge he has been lying to me and maintaining a sexual relationship (albeit with his hand) outside of us is heart breaking - and I physically feel it as exactly that too.

 

[malando]

You're obviously in a tremendous amount of pain, Lauralou, I really feel for what you're going through. All I can suggest is that this has to stay on the agenda until he confesses and gets real about this. He will try to distract away from it if he can. He wants to minimise it, but this isn't going away for either of you.

I feel I must ask, do you feel physically safe at all times with your partner? Have you ever been concerned for your personal safety in a fight? The reason I ask is because I don't think you should push too hard if there is any fear factor there for you. If you are 100% certain he would never hurt you, then I'd say keep on demanding answers - otherwise, be careful and have a very long think about how you want to handle this. I'm sorry if this sounds a little overdramatic or offensive - I don't mean it to be. It's just that I don't know who he is and I want to be responsible in what I'm suggesting you to do. If you read the accounts here on the Partner's Forum, the vast majority had to squeeze, pester, demand, yell, snoop around, etc to get the truth. This problem usually does come with a heavy degree of secrecy and denial, so it can be hard to get the information you want. Most partners have to push very hard to get the truth. But a recent member was actually assaulted by her partner after her confrontation, so I just want to make sure you feel 100% safe before doing the things I've suggested.

 

[Lauralou82]

This is something I do need to consider. Although I know my partner isn't naturally violent his response to anything regarding this subject is always annoyance and anger - I have to tread very carefully when trying to discuss the situation.

Do I think the potential of him snapping and doing something he would hate himself for is a possibility.... Unfortunately if I'm being honest with myself the answer is that yes - this is something I'm afraid of.

I do believe this is the only subject/situation that could potentially cause him to react in that way but I also understand that in his mind it would be in defense. I'm also aware due to my own cptsd that there could be an element of transference adding to my apprehension.

I studied counselling for 4 years which is a significant factor in my cptsd recovery - I honestly don't think that I could even contemplate this fight to hold on to our relationship without the knowledge I do have.

My partner knows my past and how much of a struggle it was for me to become the happy and confident person he met - it hurts me to know that he's seen a lot of that work undone and me being reduced to this broken version I am now. Even more so that my mental state isn't a priority to him.

The man I know and love would be comforting and supportive had anyone/thing else been the cause.

 

[malando]

There may be some transference from your previous experiences, but I think you are sensing some genuine risk there too. Anybody who flies off the handle, gets angry or defensive suddenly, carries the potential for the sort of flashpoint anger that can result in a physical lashing out. He may be horrified at the thought of that, but when people don't have a handle on their emotions we never know what might happen - and the danger is more apparent to the smaller person in the argument. I can see that you aren't ready to just walk away from this relationship at this point, but you also need answers, so I think you will have to be gently persistent to get closer to your goal of ascertaining how far all this has gone, and what your chances of getting through it are. You'll have to use all your skills and knowledge of him to get him to open up without getting too angry.

Counselling tells us that there are always ways to improve a situation - behavioural modification, cognitive exercises, emotional therapies are supposed to help people reframe where they are and what they want, and to set goals to work towards it. I'm sure this forms a large part of your hopes of getting things back on track with your partner. Just remember that one must be willing to enter into this program and be very honest in order to make changes. You can't change what you don't acknowledge. So somehow your partner is going to have to get into that frame of mind - otherwise this is going to take a terrible toll on you. You must look after yourself in all this. And you have 2 children to think about. It's a big deal, I know you don't me to tell you that. I really hope you can make a breakthrough with your partner and he will come to the party for you. Just know that if he refuses, it's ok to look after yourself, and even to walk away. Don't let yourself get so down that you no longer value yourself.

 

[Lauralou82]

That's kind of my fear in a nutshell - what if he doesn't want to change.

All the feelings of unrequited love, feeling unwanted, undesirable anyway im terrified of having "you aren't worth it" added to that as well as losing a relationship that has the potential to be real, beautiful and to me the foundation to be able to deal with all the other nasty things life has a habit of throwing our way.

Being rejected sexually in favour of his own hand is a world of pain - the fear of being rejected as a whole person who is just not worth the effort is what I've managed to identify as the cause of my recent anxiety attacks.

I never thought I'd be in a state where I was vulnerable to attacks again.... Knowing I'm " not okay" to this degree is a blow in itself that is completely separate.

I can't really mean so little to him..... I feel worthless.

 

[malando]

That's really heartbreaking, Lauralou. I'm really sorry you are feeling this way. Just remember your counselling training: I'm sure you know that how you feel in this emotional state is not how you will always feel, and the way this has made you feel is also not reflective of your value or beauty. It's just a damn sad outcome of his behaviour. You deserve better. The fact that you can feel this bad goes to show how urgent it is that he responds to what you need immediately. You can't let this drag on because it's ripping you apart. Please look after yourself first, your kids second, him third. You might feel like your well-being is totally tied to him, but it really isn't. You must make sure you are ok as an individual because your kids need a mother who is proud of herself and secure. You are not worthless. You're in a crisis because your world has been turned upside down. But you are more than this moment is telling you you are. You might need to get some counselling now, if you can. It might help you to stabilise if you feel totally distraught. You will get through this. Please trust that. This isn't your fault, it's nothing to do with how you look or anything like that. It's his stupid habit. It's happened to thousands, even millions of couples in these days of virtually free internet excess and total lack of content control. It is a big problem in society nowadays. But it certainly isn't your fault. Even if he's unwilling to change, it's still not your fault. If that turns out to be the case, it would mean he has a very serious problem that he's unwilling to confront at this time. But that's his stuff, it's not you. Objectively, you know that - but you have to give it a bit of time before your emotional centre can believe that. I hope you can resolve it somehow, but if you can't, you'll be ok.

 

[Lauralou82]

Yes please JKS.... I'd very much appreciate that. I really am struggling.

I've tried to be reasonalble and logical... Giving him links and setting a timescale just to check out and see if there have been any improvements - I've still seen no sign that he is taking this seriously though.

I could quite easily let go and fall into full on breakdown, hysterical, broken mess mode but I'm trying my best to keep hold and deal with this as best I can.

Thank you everyone for your responses. You've no idea how much it's meant to me... I felt so alone. The support is invaluable! Thank you so much! X

 

[chickaboomski]

Hey LauraLou! Welcome and sorry you're here. Your story sounds very similar to my own. I am a PTSD sufferer that dates back to childhood trauma and a lifetime of abuse at the hands of males. I too studied counceling and mental health, and I too finally found myself the perfect man but went searching for answers as to why he could not ejaculate with me and found myself here, and to top it off I am a mum of 3 from a previous marriage. I spent a long time trying to get my partner to wake up. I had major anxiety attacks over this whole problem, and when it went from DE to him being distant, no affection, no intimacy, all of the anxiety went out of control to major tremor attacks and vomiting. As JKS suggested the letter is a great way go. I did this too, but I didn't have those guidelines, my first was a subtle one of how his porn was affecting me, so he went into hiding stuff, the deception kicked my anxiety into overdrive, and the next letter was a bit on the attack. Like Marlando said, he has to acknowledge this. And that is a lead a horse to water scenario from my own experience. His hiding amped up. My detective skills amped up. I chased my tale for months and months. Finally he slipped. He had been watching porn and came to bed and iniated sex with me. The usual DE happened and he went to the toilet, I checked his phone and bam, still open "private" tab of porn was there. That was the straw that broke the camels back. I went to the couch, he came out and I said I was done. He was worried about my anxiety, yet creating it. A big fuck you weekend happened and I finally got the admission of he is an addict. He smashed his phone and went to a dumb phone. This whole process took 10 months to get to there. It was still a non subject to talk about. But he abstained completely after a few lapses for 9 months. He recently relapsed for a month all of the symptoms came back in an instant. My partner is fully aware now of his problem. Yet we still don't communicate fully about it. But I know his brain is working hard to overcome it. And his personality returns to the man I know and love, and litterally within a few weeks the DE clears completely. This is a long hardass road. And it will consume you if you don't put your own mental health first. Two things that made my partner think was 1. Me telling him we are merely best friends and housemates, because with out intimacy all you have is friendship. And 2. I was looking into a boob job. Seriously looking at doctors. The thought that I was feeling so shit about myself I wanted to physically change myself made him sad. My man is worth the battle and thats why I am still fighting. That is a personal question you need to ask yourself. Make a clear line of what you are willing to accept. That does mean, come crunch time, the hard stay or go may have to be addressed. My man didn't wake up until he had crossed that line and forgot to dart back quickly enough so I didn't notice. Good luck. You are in the right space for support.

 

[Lauralou82]

Thanks chicka... I'm beginning to harden now and have found some resolve. We've had another talk but the usual back on me, no full disclosure stuff is still there.

I've had two c-sections the first one being an emergency... As a result I do hav a bit of a tummy hang but tbh it's not massively gross or anything - just an extra wobbly bit. Or so I thought. The looking into plastic surgery options started about 6 months ago, all research done - I don't think I'm ever going to feel okay about my body again after this.

I've been steadily loosing the initial relationship weight and hit my personal goal yesterday (now moved down another 3lbs) so I'm now only half a stone away from the weight I was when we met. He's never commented on it and I've lost over a stone..... But then again it's not been my body he's been paying attention to is it