Self loathing

[Lauralou82]

A little aside from my initial post... Another partner with comparable trauma issues mentioned contemplating plastic surgery obviously trying to a) garner the attention she was lacking from her partner b)feel better about herself. This got me thinking....

In the 8 months of being oblivious to the root cause (which I still haven't had full disclosure of but we're only about a week into his betrayal being discovered) I've not only researched prices and procedures but also local clinics and had decided I was going to do it.

Now.... I've realised a few other things have crept in - some from my previous cptsd and some new.

Self neglect - yip why didn't he notice? Why wasn't he looking after me? Was this justification to him or an excuse to go off and see to himself?

Lack of standing up for myself...
Being told that your behaviour is causing the situation. Seeing someone distraught and broken and begging to know why must've been the cause of fear... Fear of being found out. I was accused of being aggressive! At least now I understand why but my feelings about this are still cloudy.... This one may take time.

Self harm. Apart from neglect and self image distortion I've started to inflict again... Twice in the past two weeks once before I found out and once after.... My method is by scalding - I simply turn the cold water off in the shower and this provides a temporary catharsis as my partner who would in anything else provide that through talk and support isn't atm - obviously too close for comfort. I haven't done it in three days since using this forum although I have cried A LOT. I guess I'm still feeling mixed up - greatful I've found some support at last and sad it's not from my partner as well as all the other feelings too.

I wonder how long it's going to take - I have found some resolve and began to harden. I've put boundaries and timeframes in place - but I don't know how seriously he is taking this/me. He is reading the materials and links from reboot nation, YBOP and any others that I send though... He's just not feeding back.

Do I literally have to wait for the physical changes and personality changes to creep back in? How did you know when your guy was serious and committed?

I guess the thing I'm struggling with most today are my thoughts - both rational, irrational, real or imagined.

I'm beginning to suspect he was aware of the problem and had been trying and relapsing on a regular (weekly?) Basis and then just gave up and went back to his old habits.

I wish he'd talk to me.

 

[malando]

I'd say if he's still not talking to you a week from now, that would be the time to discuss him moving out for a while to have a think about whether he really wants to be with you and whether he's prepared to acknowledge his problem and do something about it. You'd be surprised the effect this can have on a man. A man who is in denial, and thinks problems can go away by ignoring them, can become incredibly motivated by having their immediate personal comfort put in jeopardy. You don't have to break up officially, it's not technically an ultimatum. But he needs to see the consequences coming out of this. At this point, I don't think he's either connected up with your feelings, nor of the belief that you will actually end things. He's doing classic denial - even the half hearted way he's looking into the resources you've put him onto suggests that he's trying to placate you rather than commit to changing. So, if he is faced with the prospect of having to find somewhere else to live for a while and contemplate how unhappy and dissatisfied you are, you might see some drastic shifts in attitude. Whether you would follow through with it or not would depend on his response and stated intentions, but at least the message will be out there: I'm not going to live like this for much longer. I realise there is a complicated dynamic in which you don't feel entirely safe, so you would have to word it in a way that doesn't incur his anger but gets him thinking that some time apart might be good for both of you. Alternatively, you could suggest to move out if that's more feasible, but if you have kids living with you, I think it should be him if he's not the father of them. I know it sounds messy and drastic, but this guy has gotta get the message somehow.

 

[Lauralou82]

Ha! It literally only crossed my mind that it may be a good idea to suggest he went and stayed at a friend's and had a think. I guess the only thing stopping me is that I've just began a new job and we're struggling financially. He has to get to work too - I can't ask him to go stay somewhere else with no money to support himself. Regardless whether he deserves the consideration or not it's not something I'm comfortable with.

The sofa maybe a stepping stone in that direction though - and he knows in my previous long term relationship once my ex was on the sofa he never made it back into the bed.

What if he's happy on the sofa.... Free to watch what he wants and sort himself out whenever he likes.... It's scary no matter which direction I look at it or away from it

 

[chickaboomski]

I took myself to the sofa. That's a side effect from my own PDSD. It's my safe place. It has been a very long road for me. And to be honest it did take the drastic measure of saying I am done. I can't do this anymore for him to admit he had a problem. Him smashing his smart phone was the step in the right direction. And when I disconnected the wifi months later he had no access. After he smashed his phone he got angry when he found I was checking through the moderm sites visited. He was still using subs. Not even to masterbate. But youtube hot girl clips. October (13 months after smashing his phone) he bought a new smart phone. And it all creeping back. I was faced with a massive decision. I decided then that this no longer was going to have a hold on me like it had at the start. I spent the 13 months working on me. Loving me. Knowing my worth. I do wonder if in some way my progress internally and the external recognition I was getting from people had caused aome sort of relapse. I ended up going to a phsycic for a healing for my PTSD in Feb as all other methods were not working. Whether it was placebo or not. It worked. With my counceling background and knowing what my phsychologist was trying to do in helping me, and medication and cbt was not working and I got to a stage where I was honestly scared of myself.
I suggest trying to avoid hinging your happiness on his actions. A PA once told me in here that I am only in control of my own actions and not his, and that I need to think of what I do have control of, my future and concentrate on that, if he was going to be part of that, was up to him. I was very much like you, "I just need him too... admit it, seek help, understand..." the list goes on. Being a partner who is trying to wake a porn addict up is exhausting, and can be soul destroying because you get so hurt and frustrated wondering why they can't see. The addiction keeps them blind. It numbs their sense of the world around them. I have been here on this site since 2014 and pretty much think I will need to be for quite some time. My partner recently woke up more from me not saying anything for the most part and letting his body do the talking. Truth is most men here only wake up at rock bottom. Most by ED. Many have lost wives and relationahips time over but until their dick don't work they are oblivious to the harm they are doing themselves. Much like drugs. How can something that feels so good be so bad? Most drug addicts have family suffering and screaming at them to get help long before they wake up.
I realize you are right at the start so will probably go on a little longer kicking and screaming trying to get him to see at this point. However I am going to say now, you do need to ask yourself exactly what it means to you to have this man in YOUR life, exactly what are you prepared to do and for how long, this ain't no short ride so if you choose to ride it, you need to accept you are not the driver. It can be a car wreck and none of it is your fault in any way shape or form. Is your man worth it? As much as all that is deep and hurtful. It is essential. And if the answer is yes, he is, and you are staying. Get to work on healing yourself first without hinging it on him (sounds fucked up I know as all we want is acknowledgement) but you are important, you are worthy, and you deserve to be loved. And if he can't see that you have kids who need to see it. And if he can't do that you need to. My partner felt like I was attacking him, thinking he was some kind of pervert, his most recent relapse I said I am not saying anything. It's your body screaming at you not me. He still has a smart phone. He has woken up a bit more as I notice he turns it off at work now. And his body tells me he has been good for the last 7 or 8 weeks. I really wish I could give advice on how to just fix this. 2 years past D day and here I am still. Take care of you. Because he wont while he is like this. Xx

 

[Lauralou82]

Thanks JKS and Chicka.... You're right.

He is worth going through the journey - but I can't live like this anymore.

I'm going to have a bubble bath and go to bed - it's 20:15 in the UK and he finishes work at 21:00. I'm going to try and take better care of myself.

 

[Emerald Blue]

Hi Indiepeaches

Very interesting you brought up the boob job/plastic surgery issue. I read through an old journal entry I had written a few weeks past d day about this very subject.

At d day my self esteem was on the floor and it all came to a head one day I looked in the mirror and cried at the sight of my reflection. I was suffering with some kind of body dysmorphia and in my eyes, what I saw in the mirror was the "evidence" as to why my husband didn't want me any more. What made matters worse was my husband's porn fetish for huge boobs which made me feel completely inadequate. I had no idea that he was into all that big tit porn. I've always been slight in build and although I'm not flat chested, I felt pretty awful about my body after I discovered what he was into.

I'd grown up with a very positive body image. I had/still have a slender figure with small-medium boobs. I'm not flat chested or especially small but I certainly don't have boobs like he sought out in porn. From that point on my boobs made me cry and despair. In this journal entry, I definitely wrote about changing myself. Surgery did cross my mind and I was appalled. Even at the time I knew it was an unhealthy mindset. There was no way I would do it but I did think about it and how I could make myself "different" from reality. It was especially heartbreaking because I remembered how he stopped touching my boobs at all when we made love. Now I knew why. Because he thought porn boobs, even though the stupid fool was only looking at pixels, were still better than my more petite breasts.

Looking back, I'd never have opted for surgery. I was in a very bad place when I wrote what I did.

How I feel about myself, my body image, I now realise it is my responsibility.  I have learned that I cannot rely on my partner, or anyone else, to make me feel good about myself.  My self-esteem and my body images are not dependent on anyone else's approval. Of course, it's nice to be appreciated. I had plenty of appreciation when I was younger in that respect. Although I am older now, I am still in very good shape.  The fact that my very own husband could not appreciate it is pretty fucking appalling when I think about it. The arrogance of him!!  And who is he to judge anyway?!

The thing is, I accepted that my body would change over time. All women go through life with bodies which are constantly changing. We are used to this. We expect it.  This also means that we have a greater appreciation of the female body throughout life.  We can see the beauty of the female form in a non-sexualised way. Men who are addicted to porn in general only appreciate younger female bodies presented in a highly sexualised way.  I did not expect my husband to be skinny 20 something for the rest of his life, which is just as well because he certainly isn't that any more.  I would have at least expected him to appreciate my body over the years regardless of growing older.  I was wrong. He was a porn addict.

Last year I found a copy of book at the library about weight and emotional eating by a well known feminist author and I did a really helpful meditation I found in it.  The exercise was written specifically for people who want to lose weight and for them to work out what it would mean to them to be a different weight. I am not interested in losing weight, but I did the exercise in the context of how I feel about my breasts and how I would feel if they were a different size and how I feel about them as they are now.  It was a very helpful exercise.

As I said, I grew up without any issues about my size or body image, but it is interesting how we as women have been culturally conditioned to see our appearance and our size and shape as being where are value lies.  It's very easy to focus on these issues to do with appearance because our culture primes us to do this. But it's entirely the wrong attitude. 

Ultimately how we feel about ourselves has to come from within. It does not come from external approval or conforming to societal norms. I look back and think I was crazy to have felt so bad about my body.  Now I can look in the mirror and appreciate my reflection.  I'm not saying that quitting porn is the be all and end all, but my husband appreciates me more than he used to.  The way I look at it know is that my body is a gift to him, and he either appreciates that gift or he doesn't. If he doesn't, I think he's a fool. If he prefers pixels, then he's a fucking idiot. He's had to do a lot of growing up, I can tell you.

Your self-esteem will get better, your body confidence will improve, but you have to be mindful of this and work towards it.  It's all about how we feel on the inside.  And if you want a laugh,  The next time you are out shopping or wherever, just take a look at the men around you who are all sizes and shapes these days, and imagine them sitting in front of a computer (don't think literally though!) and then see them through the eyes of your 20 year old self. I bet you would have run a mile at the very thought of them coming on to you! Or leering at young babes on a screen. Once you see their behaviour for the pathetic spectacle that it really is, I promise you that you will not think of yourself so negatively in the future.  The tables will turn. One day you will feel strong and confident once more. And you will see their behaviour as being a bit sad and desperate, and actually worthy of our sympathy (and perhaps even pity).

 

[Lauralou82]

That was really helpful - I hadn't got to the point of thinking of it like that. I've been a bit stuck in the "why would he want me" loop.

We did have a talk today and I feel we made progress - I'm praying with all my atoms it wasn't just lip service!

I'm a bit at odds with the "if I have to abstain then so do you" perspective he has.... I don't think he realizes I lost interest in self service because it just upset me more thinking why was I having to do this while in a relationship. At the end of the day I'm not the one who needs to retrain my interest though - I'd have thought him paying more attention to my needs would help him change his focus but I think I'll leave that can of worms for now.

I caught myself the other night fiddling with a lighter (while he played with his phone and talked about anything but the elephant in the room) and my thoughts wondered to heating up the metal and then to if I burned my hip under my knicker line then he wouldn't notice anyway. Reality check time for me and an end to those thoughts!

Fingers crossed and feeling hopeful!

 

[Lauralou82]

They are and I will be okay.... Over a decade of my own rewiring on my side. I just got taken by surprise because I was in crisis.

I'm settling for small steps atm - of course he isn't considering my needs. I can be walking in the room naked and he doesn't even look up from what he's doing - he never looks at me like that anymore

 

[Lauralou82]

Thehe children really Don't deserve to lose someone they love, trust and value because of something so shitty and selfish.

My Son knows something's up because he's seen me broken before and he worries about me ..... I don't want that for my daughter too! The idea of her living in unhealthy situations because she saw me put up with it makes me feel ill.... Three months to prove commitment and a promise never to be back here is his chance. The stakes are too high for me to get stuck on a merry-go-round of sneaky deception and lies.

I know there's going to be confidence crashes in the post.... But each time my resolve will come back stronger. I've made my decision - now it's up to him.

Thanks again for the support.... I've no idea how long it would've took me to get here on my own. I'm actually amazed myself that I've even partially got my head around this.