The confusing struggle

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makeItStop

Member
So I'm straight, always have been always will be.  I watched and masturbated to porn since I was around 12, escalating to all sorts of weird shit including tranny and gay. Started off with fantasying about girls at school and pictures of females.  Recently, I've been taking pictures of myself, mainly my ass, and they've been what I've masturbated over and I'm disgusted by it.  I do have a thing for girls' assess though.  I can get an erection from either looking at these pictures of myself, thinking about putting stuff in my ass (which I don't even like the feel of) or just normal stroking without any fantasy, so there's two distinct ways to get me aroused at the moment thoughts/images and sensation.  I've tried and failed to have sex with girls four times, first I didn't get hard, second, third and fourth I couldn't climax and ended up a sweaty mess.  I get thoughts about having sex with guys but they really do frighten me, I don't want to do that, I'm not gay.

My reboot attempts so far have been around 30 days then I end up giving in. Usually by taking pictures of myself or looking at myself in the mirror.  I often fantasise about other people seeing the pictures too.  I'm on day 9 at the moment and already I have annoying cravings to do this. 

I also have a GF who I love and I just want to be able to have normal sex with her.... 

What's going on!? Please say this just a case of escalation?? I'm sure my thoughts are somewhat HOCD too.  I often fear I come across as gay or look gay or people think because of what I say or do that I'm gay. HOCD?

This sucks :(
 
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ollie90

Member
Man sounds like you are in a shit place right now, but you can do this!!!
I am quite new to this rebooting stuff but had a similar experience with gay porn which completely grossed me out, similar social fears also about people thinking I was gay. Not sure if you have been to yourbrainonporn.com but there is a great article on there about HOCD and outlines that a closet homosexual will be anxious about telling people they are gay, whilst someone like me or you who have got to this stage through escalation will fear being inappropriately branded as something we are not! For me that was definitive and has helped me progress and hopefully it will help you too.

I am only on 5 days and still have an urge to log on for updates on P I used to watch but I am confident now that I don't need it. You need to keep battling on and find a distraction, move those mirrors which spark the initial thoughts, if you cant look then it should prevent an easy relapse. You need to delete all the pictures if you have any stored also. You have reached 30 days before so hopefully the guys here can help you smash through that ceiling and get you back to a passionate level with you girlfriend!

Good luck buddy!
See my journal for comments on a similar topic (23 and need to change)!
 
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daedalus

Member
Hey makeItStop,

It sounds like you've been struggling on and off, both with P and with your concerns about sexual orientation/mislabeling.  The good thing is that you've made it 30 days before, and that means that you can definitely do that again, and more!  Good luck with your journey.

-Daedalus
 
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makeItStop

Member
Cravings are wild tonight, resisting them only just.  :-[ Almost starting to convince myself I'm gay and don't like girls which is horseshit, I'm getting urges to check and for gay porn and anal play. FFs.
 
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Klugschei?er

Member
Hey man,

If I understand your post, it seems like the sexuality question has come up recently Right?  If so, you might try to go with the flow until you can tackle the P addiction. Liking some butt play doesn't mean you're gay, sexuality is deeper than what gets you off. Your recent post seems like you're panicking, which has a spiraling effect, which can quickly lead to relapse and freak outs about planning your marriage to a man.  Calm thyself bro, sort out one thing at a time :D  Good luck.
 
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makeItStop

Member
Klugschei?er said:
Hey man,

If I understand your post, it seems like the sexuality question has come up recently Right?  If so, you might try to go with the flow until you can tackle the P addiction. Liking some butt play doesn't mean you're gay, sexuality is deeper than what gets you off. Your recent post seems like you're panicking, which has a spiraling effect, which can quickly lead to relapse and freak outs about planning your marriage to a man.  Calm thyself bro, sort out one thing at a time :D  Good luck.
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Thanks man, it really helps :)

Today I've been feeling really quite depressed and socially inept, I just want to shut myself away and not talk to anyone.  I get annoyed at my parents for engaging me in conversation or just for being around the house and I feel like I can't even speak properly, I don't even want to continue on with my study or work etc. I just want to laze around Wtf :(
 
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makeItStop

Member
Feeling really depressed, socially anxious, awkward, self-conscious and I'm struggling to talk in public, I've been sweating a lot, shaking and going red when speaking to others. Stammer, stuttering and mumbling and my mind's going blank... WTF? Awful awful feeling. On the plus side the gay thoughts and urges are all but gone, I'm getting urges for women in my life including my GF, but when I think about the urges I kind of feel like it's not right in a weird way, like I won't be able to preform or follow through with that, I don't really know what the feeling is, it's just odd.  So for now, I'm trying not to think too far into urges at all.  I'm also feeling incredibly horny, craving M.

I hope the social anxiety goes away........
 
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makeItStop

Member
Klugschei?er said:
Sorry to hear that, dude.  Any activities help refocus your attention from the shitty side effects?
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Yeah a few things have been helping, working out, speaking with friends, music and science research/study.  So I'm trying to keep up with that stuff, but I feel like I have ADHA lol I can't seem to focus on one thing for that long. Like watching a video I'll pause and go check Facebook, Twitter, other videos etc it's crazy.  I wonder if this is all part of the withdrawal?
 
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Klugschei?er

Member
the ADHD restlessness sounds like it could be withdrawal.  I downloaded SelfControl for my computer so I can't get off task if I'm working on my laptop...totally helps.

I was in a haze all day--my eyes didn't want to fully open today, I blamed it on not getting enough sleep, but I wonder if it's a bit of withdrawal.  We'll see tomorrow.
 
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makeItStop

Member
Klugschei?er said:
the ADHD restlessness sounds like it could be withdrawal.  I downloaded SelfControl for my computer so I can't get off task if I'm working on my laptop...totally helps.

I was in a haze all day--my eyes didn't want to fully open today, I blamed it on not getting enough sleep, but I wonder if it's a bit of withdrawal.  We'll see tomorrow.
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I've considered using an app like that but I've decided I want to try and get out more instead.

I'm sure withdrawal could bring about feelings of fatigue and tiredness, I got these two a lot. I would sleep for like 10 hours and still be laying in bed almost all day and able to nap again.
 
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makeItStop

Member
So day 32.  Cravings for P and MO are all but gone.  I get the odd urge to anally M and I have the odd image in my head of S with mostly girls I see or know or see on FB or POF etc, there is the odd gay/trans image too, glory hole for some reason has cropped up a few times.  So far though I haven't given in and M'ed or looked at P.  I have allowed some of the straight thoughts to continue but I try to divert my mind to other things when I can.

Ability to talk to strangers etc is improving, eye contact still feels awkward and I feel quite tense while making eye contact as someone talks to me.  Anxiety has reduced tremendously though and my social skills in general are definitely improving.

Still having thoughts that real sex will fail.

Interestingly, thinking of a girl in my head can start me on the path to an erection but normal pictures of girls not so much, I'd have to M for a response to pictures at this point.

All in all good progress, 1/3 of the way there!
 
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makeItStop

Member
Day 45, officially half way! I keep looking at dating sites though like POF etc and messaging girls.  I eventually think of sex with them and while it feels right I sometimes get gay thoughts after a while.  Other than that, cravings and gay thoughts are more or less completely gone. Very little HOCD worries too. Lots of attraction to real girls. Here's to the next 45 days!
 
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makeItStop

Member
Day 52! My best streak yet.  I'm on my way to 90 and beyond this time.  Have been sexting a little with some girls and I know I probably shouldn't but I still haven't M, O'ed or looked at P except some soft pictures sent by girls. Hopefully that won't set me back too much. HOCD gone completely. No gay thoughts or cravings.
 
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ollie90

Member
Hi - just been catching up on journal postings - congrats on the great success! It's been awhile since I posted here but I remember your original post and how similar the HOCD is to my experiences - I am so pleased for you that all the gay thoughts have gone! How long do you think you were having these thoughts before rebooting? Only I assume the longer it's been going on the longer it takes to recover - mine have been around 6/7 years and I fear I've rebooted too late !

Keep up the good work!
 
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makeItStop

Member
ollie90 said:
Hi - just been catching up on journal postings - congrats on the great success! It's been awhile since I posted here but I remember your original post and how similar the HOCD is to my experiences - I am so pleased for you that all the gay thoughts have gone! How long do you think you were having these thoughts before rebooting? Only I assume the longer it's been going on the longer it takes to recover - mine have been around 6/7 years and I fear I've rebooted too late !

Keep up the good work!
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Thanks! Unfortunately I relapsed a few days before 90 :/ only to vanilla porn but the thoughts of gay porn are creeping back.  I had the thoughts for maybe 6-12 months, I remember when I was younger I was hooked on porn though and ended up on gay chatrooms etc and had gay thoughts but after quitting porn those subsided.  It's just annoying that M to gay P is feels better and is much easier to O than vanilla after a while.  When I first relapsed though vanilla was amazing.  I wouldn't say you're too late, the brain is forever changing you're never stuck with what you've got. Keep going! I find it most difficult to get rid of any sexual thoughts from my mind during reboot.

So here we go again.................. day 2.
 
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