What do I do?

[AnonymousAnnaXO]

"What do I do?" , "I can't remember", "I'm ashamed", "I don't want to talk about it (ever)" are all things my partner is saying to me tonight. It's not the first time either. This is common and getting old. He wants me not to talk about it as much and gets up set if I mention it.

What do I do? I can't recover for him, I can't do the work for him. So what do I do? I have done everything in my capacity to help him, give him more freedom, deal with my anxiety and pain by myself, and I am at a loss now.

He says he doesn't know what to do, what to talk about, how to talk about his addiction, etc. So anyone else out there have a partner who says or does things like this? Any addicts want to chime in how they did recovery? How they were able to talk about the addiction and the actions and consequences with their partner?

Thanks!

 

[chickaboomski]

My partner never wanted to talk about it. To be honest still doesn't. I had PAs on here tell me in the early days to stop trying so hard and you can't help someone who doesn't want to be helped.
Helping someone isn't easy when everyone needs help in other ways. For some addicts getting to this site and educating themselves, putting themself out there and getting support from other addicts is a life saver. I wanted that for my partner so bad. But I knew it was not him. It didn't stop me from trying though. For far to long. My partner is a man of self reflection. He hid in his denial until all ties to access was cut and he relied soley on me for internet access in my presence hotspotting from my phone. I had to make my peace with the whole thing if I was going to stay and let him have his journey to discovery. After 9 months of abstainace he went out and got himself a smart phone and hooked himself up to the world again. I knew what was happening and fought hard not to die a little more inside and let him have his moment. That moment came after he returned to DE quite quickly, then in a sick attempt to prove to me he could climax with me, he pulled out leaving ny bare ass in the air and used me like a bucket. Thats when I errupted. I asked him what makes him think thats ok? What makes him think thats what I wanted, and how could he possibly think its ok to do that to someone. I also added that he can get a new phone and lock me out of it, but he can't lock away what it does to his bodily function, and he can't hide how it distorts his view of how to treat a woman, any woman let alone the one you are supposed to love. He processed. The light bulb came on and I am finally confident 2 years later that my man is on his way to full recovery not just abstaining. The road has been long to here. Accepting I can not help him, and that my man, stubborn like me needed to come to to this place on his own terms. Like children, you can't teach so they learn, you have to learn how they learn and teach from there. If that makes sense. Hope that is more helpful than disheartening. Just my experience.

 

[rebootrapp]

Hi Anna, I'm a former PA. My wife and I were able to talk about the recovery most nights, some nights we needed a little break from all the weight so we'd just chill and watch some TV or something.

We did enroll in marriage counseling, which I found very beneficial. He helped me tremendously, made me own up to things I'd done and showed me how I can be a better husband. if you haven't done that yet, I would recommend at least trying it.

As far as the quotes he has been saying, I can easily see those as being true statements. When I realized, or at least started to realize, the weight of my actions and immense pain I'd caused my wife, it really brought me down hard. Does he seem depressed, are there other things going on in his life that are stressing him out? To me, without knowing him, I think he's pretty down, which for me was always a big time to go back to porn. Just make sure he knows you support him, and I'm sure he does, and let him know that it's really important to you that you guys continue to have these conversations as it helps you in your recovery and helps the marriage relationship at the same time. And then see what kind of response he gives you. Hopefully it's in the realm of, "Thanks babe, can we talk tomorrow/this weekend/whatever?"

There are a couple of books my wife and I have read together that have really helped us. One was called Not Just Friends, the other Love Life for Every Married Couple. A few nights a week we turn off the tv and read aloud together, and these books generated good discussions about our relationship and how we want it to be. We also are looking forward to starting to study the Bible together. The Traveler's Gift is another book that has meant a lot to us in this process.

I hope he snaps out of this funk for you, if you're on this board you've surely done a lot on your end to make the relationship work. Recovering from porn addiction is hard, and I'm positive that being the spouse is worse, but when two people love each other and care enough to fight for it, the relationship can be awesome again.

 

[AnonymousAnnaXO]

We came to a compromise of setting a time each week to talk about the addiction, recovery, and how we are doing in our own stuff. I think that will help both of us with communicating.

We do couples sessions every once in a while. I know that we plan on going to a session next week together. I don't know if it's the same as marriage counseling. But my therapist is very good at getting us to talk to each other.

He talked to me quickly before bed about this, and he realized that he doesn't want to talk about it and think about it because of the amount of shame that surrounds it. He says that it feels like a different person did all that so it's hard to think he did all that. I don't know if that's shame or if he is trying to distance himself from his actions or dissociating to a point but I know that he will eventually have to face all the shame and the pain he has caused not only me but himself too.

He knows I support him and am always there to talk to him. There have been instances where he will be at work and text me that he is feeling anxious or feeling that he is useless and such and then we talk it out, and I've been so proud of him that he has reached out to me like that. That shows me progress.

We have the Love You, Hate The Porn book that we are (supposed) to be going through together. Sometimes we do and sometimes there are weeks that pass. But tonight we are going to be going through it. The book has been helpful. I'll check out the other books mentioned.

 

[BuddhaAwake]

As a PA myself, I know the shame that comes with acknowledging what I've done and what I've become. I also know that not communicating holds the shame in and gives it more power.

I've found it helpful to discuss things individually with my therapist before opening up at home.

 

[AnonymousAnnaXO]

He left his old therapist because it wasn't working. We found 2 people on psychology today, and he (hopefully) will email one of them and set up an appointment. I've told him how important therapy is in recovery. I told him I can't be his therapist (I am studying psychology and possibly want to be one so I think he figures he can use me as a replacement sometimes). I told him that therapy with a therapist he can connect to can be a really great thing. He needs to address a lot of issues and I figure that he needs to figure some stuff out for himself before he can talk to me about it.