Two weeks since D-day!

[Lauralou82]

Well I seem to have got a loose grip on my thoughts now - probably due to

a) constant vigilance over rewiring progress against CPTSD.
b) 4 years of counselling/psychotherapy study.
c) my partner is being slightly more open each time we talk (there is still the massive attack in defense hurdle prior to each conversation) I realize he is being tentative and completely out of his comfort zone - as in this is his worst nightmare.
d) apart from all the new issues that have cropped up a lot of past problems have resurfaced - I've had resurgence before though so I do know how to claw my way out of the fog and it will pass...... As will all the new stuff I have to process, filter and find strategies for.

I feel we had a massive breakthrough yesterday. My partner told me he was aware he was attacking me (verbally - but with anything he could.) And also offered the insight that he was doing it because he was scared of being exposed!

I am so proud of him for being so genuine with me!.... Now that guy is what is going to be worth the heartache - that guy is the one I fell in love with - when we first met we spent hours talking and that was the level I connected with him on.

Now... The unpredictable emotions! I'm astounded by the range I can get through in one day. Unfortunately whenever I'm upset my partner recoils and assumes he's done something wrong ( a couple of times I've responded with "well have you?" He's said no then "well why would it be something new then?") He told me today that any mention of how much this has hurt me or the impact it has had knocks him back and makes him want to pull away from me. Believe me he is unaware of the full impact - this will be hard enough for us to work through without him feeling guilty about my own personal progress being undone. I'm making a conscious effort to only mention things connected to what we're meant to be working on together...... Plus I still feel that he hasn't fully accepted that either. I'm not sure he knows the physical feeling of having your heart broken. I thought I had but it was nothing compared to this! I didn't think anyone was capable of making me feel that way!

Anyway.... He read the YBOP rebooting with a partner article today AND managed to have a short conversation about it afterwards. I tried to tell him before he went to work how happy I was about how quickly he is improving in our communication.( I'd like him to see how brave he can be through my eyes.) But I think my anxiety and nerves made me get it a bit garbled.

He is still distant and distracted for long periods - even if we're cuddling face to face he will close his eyes to avoid looking at me. Moves away if a kiss is more than a couple of pecks and is completely disinterested in my needs.

We've only had sex 2 times since I found out.... Once where he used his hands on me (in a position we hadn't done before). Once I went down on him unsuccessfully and then me on top, no ED, quite fast paced (we got carried away) and achieved mutual orgasm.

First words out of his mouth were "it's been a while since we did that" and he had the loveliest smile on his face...... I bit back the "not for the want of trying on my part" retort - I'm looking forward to that bitchy voice in my head dying off!

My point is that the trust thing is a bitch and is pretty much kicking my backside regularly. My instinct is that he masturbated last weekend when I was at work - he swears blind he didn't but different underwear when I got home and the ones he had on when I left having disappeared from the face of the earth say otherwise. His attitude towards me this morning could've been a month ago.... And I woke up alone during the night. I did mention it and he said he remembered getting up for the toilet or a drink of water - I didn't say anything else but the wall went straight up!

I hate that he broke my trust and I hate doubting him - but what on earth could it be that he is so scared of me finding out after this? My view is get it all out on the table now..... I'm not sure how I would feel months/years down the line if other things came to light or if he brought me back here again.

Argh..... So much for having my head around it eh

 

[Lauralou82]

Ps.... Don't make the mistake of looking around whatever site it is you discover - big mistake!

 

[aquarius25]

Trust is such a fragile thing. And its so hard to get back!!! It takes time, patients, and lots and lots and lots (lol) of baby steps! Know that you are not alone in your frustration at all! Also I completely understand not looking at everything he looked at. I did that. Ugg it was awful. I still have these memories and just think, "How could you look at that?!?". But then I have to remove myself from the judgement and understand the addiction. That is what has worked for me. Everyone is different. You have to find what works for you. I had to understand that some of the things he viewed were not because he even likes that stuff but more that he needed more stimuli to receive the adequate dopamine hit. We are at the point that he is even horrified with some of the content that he used to view.  It just makes us both sad and we are both so very happy that he is not there anymore. He now uses that energy to be present with his family.

Hang in there, it does get better. If you ever need anything you have a community of support! Feel free to PM me if you need anything!

 

[Lauralou82]

Thank you!

Presence.... I feel I spend a lot of time waiting for him to engage with me. When he ignores me that just makes me feel more isolated and alone.

I'm at a loss as usually I share my life with my friends.... Now I feel like I'm carrying around a secret - which isn't helping the CPTSD at all! It's making me feel very small. I know my partner is worried I'm going to tell people (which is probably part of the exposure fear) and I do understand but when he "disengages" from the present/here and now I am very alone with this. He wants to get away from it and I want it dealt with and gone...... I can't wait for this to be over!

 

[malando]

Thank you!

Presence.... I feel I spend a lot of time waiting for him to engage with me. When he ignores me that just makes me feel more isolated and alone.

I'm at a loss as usually I share my life with my friends.... Now I feel like I'm carrying around a secret - which isn't helping the CPTSD at all! It's making me feel very small. I know my partner is worried I'm going to tell people (which is probably part of the exposure fear) and I do understand but when he "disengages" from the present/here and now I am very alone with this. He wants to get away from it and I want it dealt with and gone...... I can't wait for this to be over!

Tell him, "Start sharing, or I start sharing!".

 

[Lauralou82]

Of course that bitter nasty voice in my head has thrown that out there before..... I really am not comfortable with threats or ultimatums though.

I've put a three month time frame in place and then I'll make whatever decision i have to make.
I'm hoping by then that we will just know and there will no longer be a question.

 

[Lauralou82]

Yes there's no excusing - he's not a child anymore!

My partner has stopped taking his phone out of the room with him now which has helped..... He will still be deleting internet history etc thought - he's far from stupid and very tech savvy so keeps things tidy.... I don't think he knows it makes me uncomfortable now - plus I'm aware things can be deleted individually from the history.

Uuurgh! I just want it all to go away and for this to be over!

 

[Lauralou82]

Yes it would. It would be nice to see a sign that he is considering how I feel.

I hate this!

 

[aquarius25]

I don't think it is an ultimatum to say that he needs to start communicating and you need someone to talk to or you will go find someone. The reality is that you need to be able to talk with someone. If he doesn't want to communicate and be that person then he needs to understand for you to heal and process this you will have to talk to someone else. Its one an ultimatum its healthy healing. You can't bottle it up. That would be unhealthy and detrimental for both of you. Start asking him questions. Start telling him how you feel, honestly, weather he wants to hear it or not. Its kindof a shit or get off the pot situation (sorry for the language, lol) He can step up and do this or you both will suffer. It isn't just about him and it isn't just about you, its about both of you. This relationship won't work and certainly won't be much of a relationship if you don't talk honestly with each other. Its scary to start the conversation but just think how scary it would be if neither of you ever start the conversations that need to happen. I wish you so much love and you have my complete support!

 

[malando]

I don't think it is an ultimatum to say that he needs to start communicating and you need someone to talk to or you will go find someone. The reality is that you need to be able to talk with someone. If he doesn't want to communicate and be that person then he needs to understand for you to heal and process this you will have to talk to someone else. Its one an ultimatum its healthy healing. You can't bottle it up. That would be unhealthy and detrimental for both of you. Start asking him questions. Start telling him how you feel, honestly, weather he wants to hear it or not. Its kindof a shit or get off the pot situation (sorry for the language, lol) He can step up and do this or you both will suffer. It isn't just about him and it isn't just about you, its about both of you. This relationship won't work and certainly won't be much of a relationship if you don't talk honestly with each other. Its scary to start the conversation but just think how scary it would be if neither of you ever start the conversations that need to happen. I wish you so much love and you have my complete support!

Yes, this was what I meant to convey, thanks A25! I know my post was rather short, but the idea was that you need to talk - you'd prefer if your husband would talk to you and hear how you're feeling, but if he doesn't come to the party you need other people to talk to so you aren't all alone with these confusing emotions. Sorry my post was so short that I didn't convey that to you. It was meant with a touch of humour - not as a threat/ultimatum.

 

[Lauralou82]

I want my partner to arrive at the place where he hates the idea of being separate from me, the idea of porn should be an instant turn off for him after what it has done to his mind, body and to someone he loves (to the limit his wiring will allow at least anyway)

The fear is exhausting and the fact the person who is meant to support me is the cause is absolutely crippling!

 

[Gracie]

This blog, its archives and the book is what got us started.  It gave me hope.  It gave him understanding.  Understanding that it was not the kind of porn watched or the amount, it was the choosing of porn over the one you chose.  Geoff Steurer has some great videos on youtube about this as well.

 

[Lauralou82]

That's the point....

The Times he left me sat downstairs or in bed neglected while he chose to satisfy an urge that is supposed to bond us to images of others.

He tried to say that he was using porn to get himself ready for me (and that really didn't help!) What on earth was he thinking! Using me to finish off arousal caused by something I wasn't part of - I have to avoid this thought because it makes me feel sick and disgusting. That I'm so undesirable the man I love has to think of other women to have sex with me. 

He still can't see what he's done

 

[Emerald Blue]

Indiepeaches, I really sympathise with what you are going through. At 2-3 weeks you are still in the very early stage of coming to terns with the stark reality of your partner's porn addiction. It took me a long time to overcome that weird skin crawling, stomach churning feeling when I think of what he watched and his sexual response to it. I felt like nothing, and of course I wondered whether he had to conjure up some porn fantasy in his mind in order to have sex with me before it just stopped happening all together. Those are horrible thoughts to carry around in your head. It's very negative and depressing to think like that but I bet everyone of us has done and probably still does from time to time.

As I regained my self confidence I felt less threatened by porn. Although my partner's actions were deliberate the addiction and the destruction of our relationship weren't conscious choices, but unforeseen consequences. He still responded to porn, he still sought it out and used it right until d day. He said it was miserable but obviously he was still feeding the reward cycle in the brain which he associated with pleasure. At least he could quit but he was shocked by the impact of his habit. He just couldn't see it.

Somehow I overcame my body dysmorphia. I think resuming a physical relationship helped but I was haunted by those "not good enough" feelings and "is he thinking of me?" or "is he fantasising about someone else?"  I may well be correct when I say there is a fair probability that he had to conjure up a porn fantasy to force himself to have sex with me before our sex life ground to a halt after he had become hooked on porn. After d day, probably less so. He had become so disconnected from me to the extent that sex was like a new experience. He actually realised that sex involved all the senses and intense emotion in comparison to the mechanical routine of PMO where orgasm was triggered by some hardwired circuit becoming activated in the brain. This is how I understand it.

Obviously it helped my self esteem when he found me sexually attractive, and says he always did. I know that he stopped thinking of me in a sexual way as his porn habit took hold. After we started working on our physical relationship he said that he didn't know why he was so into porn when he could have had me. I'm also wary of having to rely on his (or anyone's) approval. Self confidence has to come from within but it's easier when you receive compliments.

Once my confidence began to improve I decided that I was not inferior to anything in porn. I realised that to share my body also meant making myself vulnerable, but to expose my vulnerability was actually something that required trust. I was not going to see myself as leftovers or something from a bargain bin. What I was offered to him was a gift and that to share intimacy was a privilege. What I could offer was far more profound and meaningful than anything in a porn video.

Of course that's a simplified version of how I really felt, and there were some devastating blows along the way. His XL tit fetish videos made me feel like shit, that I just didn't have it and that he found me not to his preference. But then again, I'm not sagging and drooping either. I'm in good shape, including my boobs. Besides, am I complaining that his penis is too small or too floppy? Or that his belly is too big? No. Because I'm not going to look at photos of olympic athletes and compare them to my husband so I can complain he's too old and fat? Or look at gay men's porn to seek out XL dick? That would be ridiculous. But it made me think of a world where the roles were reversed and it was the women who were doing the objectification and seeing the opposite sex as body parts and giving them scores out of 10.

Once you realise what a sick world the porn industry really is and how there are women starving themselves to look "good" on camera, and all the drugs consumed to numb themselves from reality, the emotional cost, etc, you see it in a different light. Even the fact that what's on the screen isn't actually sex but a performance routine for the camera completely takes away any ideas of glamor or excitement. In one sense, the way men consume porn and the way they treat their partners are actually two sides of a bigger problem largely created by the porn industry and even the sex trade. If you ever read any of the "reviews" of sex workers on online internet communities you'll witness such a horrific degree of exploitation and entitlement. Not to mention the rather aggressive descriptions of what they do to these women ("flipped her over and jackhammererd her to shut her up"). I realise that this is going beyond porn but the influence on pornography on the typical john is patently obvious.

So don't feel threatened by porn as being some kind of ultimate sexual experience with 'hot' women. It's early days for you so who knows whether your guy will quit and swear off porn for life. Concentrate on making the changes that will make a difference to your quality of life. Do whatever it takes. Porn isn't worth comparing yourself with because it offers no sensuality, no love, no warmth, nothing.

 

[Lauralou82]

Well he can either keep his solo sex life  or have a full relationship with me..... He is not having both! I won't settle for what I've been getting.... I've got one life and I'm not going to waste it with someone who thinks I'm worth so little!.