Hi all,
I'm pretty new to this whole Reboot thing. I found another forum through YBOP, but to be honest, I'm gay, and this one seemed more inclusive to different situations. So here I am.
I'm 25, and I've been addicted to P since I was about 9 years old. It's really crazy to think that I've had this problem for most of my life. It started as an idle curiosity, but it quickly became a big problem. When I was in high school, I had other family problems, which led me to start cutting myself. My mom decided to get help from a Christian therapist. When she found out that I'd been looking at P, she told my counselor about it. They both seemed more concerned with the fact that it was gay, and not that it was an addiction to P. That's when we stopped doing therapy for depression and started doing conversion therapy. I felt so isolated and trapped, that to be honest, my only solace at the time was in P. It became a game figuring out a way to view it without anybody finding out.
I was still battling the addiction when I started college, but by that time the severity of my usage was changing from season to season. I met my first and only boyfriend just after my 22nd birthday, and I fell head-over-heels for him almost instantly. At the time, my addiction was not rearing its ugly head like it normally does, so I decided to swear off P for good. I had a boyfriend, and I was happy with him. I reasoned that the only reason I looked at it was because I had been alone. I managed to go about four months without it before I relapsed, and I never went back to normal. Once again, I tried to "reason" it out. We were both working students, and we lived about a 45 minute drive from each other, so we couldn't see each other every day of the week. To me, it seemed acceptable that I (secretly) watch P on days that I knew we weren't going to see each other.
As far as I know, the Boyfriend never found out about my addiction. However, that doesn't mean that it didn't have negative effects. The biggest physical problems were on days following a marathon session. I would sometimes spend as much as 8-10 hours in the P "vortex," going into the early hours of the morning. He would come over later that morning, and naturally, I just wouldn't have it in me to get it up.
A year ago, I moved from my home in California to NYC to get my PhD. Boyfriend and I decided to do long distance, but obviously, this is never an easy task. In addition to feeling lonely without him, I felt isolated and depressed in general. I didn't have many friends, my studies were eating up most of my time, I had bedbugs, and the city just felt cruel and miserable. As I got more depressed, I found the pull of my addiction becoming stronger and stronger. Even as I became more acclimated to my new life, I couldn't pull myself out of the cycle.
At the beginning of this summer, I went back home to visit for a few weeks, and two weeks in my boyfriend broke up with me. I was devastated, confused, and depressed once again. Over almost 4 years he had become my best friend and partner, and one sudden day, he was gone. Since that happened, about 6 weeks ago, my addiction has been out of control. Sometimes I'd stay in my room all day and watch P. I was completely aware of the hold that it had on me, but at the same time I felt powerless to stop it. Two days ago, after a marathon session lasting from 7 PM to 6:30 AM, I realized that I couldn't do it anymore. This wasn't about my breakup; this was about me. I had to stop at all costs.
Typically, the time that I feel the most shame and guilt about what I'm doing is right after I finish. I swear to myself that tomorrow is going to be different, and I'm going to stop. And then the next day, I'm back at it. This time, I decided to take advantage of that temporary remorse, and start seriously looking up ways to stop it. In spite of having stayed up all night to satisfy my addiction, I decided that I wasn't going to sleep until I had a concrete plan for recovery. So I looked up everything I could about how to stop it. I finally went to bed, and about 8 hours later I immediately went to work implementing my plan. I sent up multiple internet web blockers, like OpenDNS, K9, and Self-Control. Obviously the last one is only temporary, but as soon as I start thinking about P, I immediately put it on the 24-hour setting. For K9, I made the longest, most complicated password that I could; then I wrote it down, and taped it on the back of the dresser in my closet. The dresser is heavy, so it's difficult to pull away from the wall. I know that these aren't fool-proof methods, but they sure as hell make it inconvenient to undo.
Additionally, I made a list of goals I have for this summer:
I've also made a short list of activities to do when I'm either feeling depressed or feeling the urge to look at P:
So that's the gist of it. I know that was a long story, but hopefully writing about all of this will help in the long run. I'm going to bed when I finish writing, and that will mark the end of day two. I look forward to recovering, and to hearing the stories of other people here. If you have any advice, feedback, concerns, or thoughts, I'm always glad to hear them.
Sincerely,
Daedalus
I'm pretty new to this whole Reboot thing. I found another forum through YBOP, but to be honest, I'm gay, and this one seemed more inclusive to different situations. So here I am.
I'm 25, and I've been addicted to P since I was about 9 years old. It's really crazy to think that I've had this problem for most of my life. It started as an idle curiosity, but it quickly became a big problem. When I was in high school, I had other family problems, which led me to start cutting myself. My mom decided to get help from a Christian therapist. When she found out that I'd been looking at P, she told my counselor about it. They both seemed more concerned with the fact that it was gay, and not that it was an addiction to P. That's when we stopped doing therapy for depression and started doing conversion therapy. I felt so isolated and trapped, that to be honest, my only solace at the time was in P. It became a game figuring out a way to view it without anybody finding out.
I was still battling the addiction when I started college, but by that time the severity of my usage was changing from season to season. I met my first and only boyfriend just after my 22nd birthday, and I fell head-over-heels for him almost instantly. At the time, my addiction was not rearing its ugly head like it normally does, so I decided to swear off P for good. I had a boyfriend, and I was happy with him. I reasoned that the only reason I looked at it was because I had been alone. I managed to go about four months without it before I relapsed, and I never went back to normal. Once again, I tried to "reason" it out. We were both working students, and we lived about a 45 minute drive from each other, so we couldn't see each other every day of the week. To me, it seemed acceptable that I (secretly) watch P on days that I knew we weren't going to see each other.
As far as I know, the Boyfriend never found out about my addiction. However, that doesn't mean that it didn't have negative effects. The biggest physical problems were on days following a marathon session. I would sometimes spend as much as 8-10 hours in the P "vortex," going into the early hours of the morning. He would come over later that morning, and naturally, I just wouldn't have it in me to get it up.
A year ago, I moved from my home in California to NYC to get my PhD. Boyfriend and I decided to do long distance, but obviously, this is never an easy task. In addition to feeling lonely without him, I felt isolated and depressed in general. I didn't have many friends, my studies were eating up most of my time, I had bedbugs, and the city just felt cruel and miserable. As I got more depressed, I found the pull of my addiction becoming stronger and stronger. Even as I became more acclimated to my new life, I couldn't pull myself out of the cycle.
At the beginning of this summer, I went back home to visit for a few weeks, and two weeks in my boyfriend broke up with me. I was devastated, confused, and depressed once again. Over almost 4 years he had become my best friend and partner, and one sudden day, he was gone. Since that happened, about 6 weeks ago, my addiction has been out of control. Sometimes I'd stay in my room all day and watch P. I was completely aware of the hold that it had on me, but at the same time I felt powerless to stop it. Two days ago, after a marathon session lasting from 7 PM to 6:30 AM, I realized that I couldn't do it anymore. This wasn't about my breakup; this was about me. I had to stop at all costs.
~
Typically, the time that I feel the most shame and guilt about what I'm doing is right after I finish. I swear to myself that tomorrow is going to be different, and I'm going to stop. And then the next day, I'm back at it. This time, I decided to take advantage of that temporary remorse, and start seriously looking up ways to stop it. In spite of having stayed up all night to satisfy my addiction, I decided that I wasn't going to sleep until I had a concrete plan for recovery. So I looked up everything I could about how to stop it. I finally went to bed, and about 8 hours later I immediately went to work implementing my plan. I sent up multiple internet web blockers, like OpenDNS, K9, and Self-Control. Obviously the last one is only temporary, but as soon as I start thinking about P, I immediately put it on the 24-hour setting. For K9, I made the longest, most complicated password that I could; then I wrote it down, and taped it on the back of the dresser in my closet. The dresser is heavy, so it's difficult to pull away from the wall. I know that these aren't fool-proof methods, but they sure as hell make it inconvenient to undo.
Additionally, I made a list of goals I have for this summer:
- Do research for my thesis.
- Apply for at least two full-time jobs each day.
- Study Spanish for at least 1 hour each day.
- Run 5 days each week.
- Turn off my computer by 11 each night. (I've had insomnia for the last month, so this kills two birds with one stone.)
I've also made a short list of activities to do when I'm either feeling depressed or feeling the urge to look at P:
- Go for a run.
- Do yoga.
- Read a non-academic book.
- Call a friend.
- Read a success story on here.
- Listen to a podcast in Spanish (to help with my earlier goal).
So that's the gist of it. I know that was a long story, but hopefully writing about all of this will help in the long run. I'm going to bed when I finish writing, and that will mark the end of day two. I look forward to recovering, and to hearing the stories of other people here. If you have any advice, feedback, concerns, or thoughts, I'm always glad to hear them.
Sincerely,
Daedalus
