So confused.

[growingstronger]

Hey everyone. So I made it a good 3 weeks no PMO. I went through flatline. Got fairly consistent morning wood which I hadn't had in a while and also had a WD. (though it was a porn related dream...sigh) On exactly the day of my 3rd week, I was flipping through channels on the TV and saw a stripper on HBO. The sensation was too much and I immediately MO'd. (Talking maybe 20 seconds) After a few days I was feeling back to speed. I did not binge but the chaser was too much and after 4 days, decided to peek at a cam girl. The mind has its ways. Again, it was too much and I MO'd. (One cam girl maybe 20 seconds.) I mean, its crazy how fast my body reacted toward release. Since then I went into deep flatline. The flatline started around day 30. The next few days I had no morning wood, but would get semi erect looking at girls on the beach sometimes. I also became obsessed with testing one day, and was able to become erect from touching, no fantasy with enough time. I'm worried the testing hurt me even more. Did I ruin all of my progress from the first month toward erectile health? The reason I'm asking is because two weeks from now I'm going to see a girl I really like and I feel like I'm working against the clock now. I'm sure the two incidents hurt me a little, but I did not binge or even look at anything that intriguing. Just a naked body once, and once more as a chaser a few days later. It is a shame I O'd so quickly but it was very pent up from the weeks leading up I guess. I have read a lot about a second flatline around day 30. Could this possibly be whats going on? Or am I starting from the very beginning again? Its driving me nuts and there are no answers to this. I've been flatlining for 6 days now and just received my first morning wood again this morning. It stayed solid for a long, long time so that is a good sign. I'm going complete monk mode. No touching what so ever for the next two weeks and hoping for the best! I really hope someone has some insight into this because I have no idea where I stand in my reboot and it is giving me a tremendous amount of anxiety. Thanks everyone for their help.

 

[Bibbity]

So you went 3 weeks and then lots of relapses?  How did you achieve 30 days? 

 

[growingstronger]

So you went 3 weeks and then lots of relapses?  How did you achieve 30 days?

Lots of relapses? That is debatable and was kind of my question to begin with. I never binged. I never looked at anything hardcore like I used to. Could a total of 40 seconds on two occasions count as lots of relapses? I'm inclined to say no. Just peeked at a naked body twice during my reboot. It's ok to be human. Appreciate your input but you didn't really say anything except be judgmental. I've been clean since then and starting to feel better again.

 

[sender]

The reason I'm asking is because two weeks from now I'm going to see a girl I really like and I feel like I'm working against the clock now. <snip> I really hope someone has some insight into this because I have no idea where I stand in my reboot and it is giving me a tremendous amount of anxiety.

The anxiety is counter-productive.  I realize that sounds like a stupid thing to say, since it's sort of obvious, but you're doing great!  You're doing the right things.  You have a little slip here or there, but you don't let it ruin your resolve.  Excellent stuff!  Now all you need to do is let time heal you.

Don't put pressure on yourself with this girl.  If you're not ready by the time you're with her, then you'll just be with her however you can.  You're not a boner machine.  Porn has informed our culture to such an extent that most people actually believe that men should be able to get it up on command, without any sort of affection or warm-up, at any time, 100% of the time.  That's not real; that's for porn stars dude! Porn has invaded our culture to the point where we [men] have come to believe that (a) we are valued for our penis only, and (b) it should become rock hard on command no matter what and (c) if not, we are defective, failure, loser, etc.

The farther away you get from porn, the more you will begin to see the lies we have been sold, and how insidious they are.  Keep up the great work, and do yourself a favor, take the pressure off!  If this girl demands an erection, then she is the one with the problem, not you!

 

[fugu]

So you went 3 weeks and then lots of relapses?  How did you achieve 30 days?

Lots of relapses? That is debatable and was kind of my question to begin with. I never binged. I never looked at anything hardcore like I used to. Could a total of 40 seconds on two occasions count as lots of relapses? I'm inclined to say no. Just peeked at a naked body twice during my reboot. It's ok to be human. Appreciate your input but you didn't really say anything except be judgmental. I've been clean since then and starting to feel better again.

Problem is, the addicted brain can't really distinguish between hardcore porn and a couple of nudey images. I've been around the forums a long time, and I can't honestly remember seeing a porn addiction and erectile dysfunction recovery story that includes people who even occasionally peeked at just pictures.

No one is attacking you here! Just asking questions and giving you honest input. The best thing you can do for yourself is to eliminate ALL artificial sexual stimuli. If you have developed ED or a dependence on porn, we are (essentially) addicted to the high that comes with the novelty of artificial sexual stimulation. It's important that us porn addicts remove everything that is artificial.

 

[William]

Hi growingstronger, what fugu says is right.  It is not exactly that the addicted brain cannot distinguish between hardcore and vanilla porn.  It is that the addicted brain wants dopamine and will trigger on hardcore or vanilla, given the chance.  If you are not giving it the dopamine rush it wants, meaning if you are not watching the hardcore stuff is it used to triggering to, it will start to trigger on the vanilla stuff.  One thing I don't see in your post are concepts such as "addiction" "dopamine" "reward pathways" "sensitization", etc., and I see this is only your third post.  I would invite you to read a thread I have posted which is a good place start your education, if you wish to know more.

http://legacy.rebootnation.org/index.php?topic=1256.0

Peace

 

[growingstronger]

Thanks so much for the responses you guys. It really means a lot. Morning wood really hasn't returned since the last time I peeked and I'm wondering if I lost all my progress because of it. BTW Fugu, Two years ago I rebooted for two weeks and immediately rewired to sex instantaneously so maybe I'm not as bad as others here. After a bad breakup I binge relapsed for 2 months and now I'm back here. Since there is really no way to check, I'm still very worried I lost all my progress and I'm not sure exactly where I stand. Do all strides toward erectile health over the course of the month get erased by one relapse? I think anxiety is a lot of it and I'm trying to do a better job in that regard.