I read a lot of resources on trust building and forgiveness and one of the most eye opening was on the concept of 'cheap forgiveness'. It happens when the emphasis is placed on the person wronged to forgive quickly because they 'love' the person and what matters is love. The big thing with cheap forgiveness is that is stunts the growth of both individuals. Waiting for authentic forgiveness is not punishment and it doesn't mean forgiveness will never come, it also doesn't mean that trust will never come. However, when the message is, love means I have to swallow my hurt and my pain and not stand up for my own emotional and mental health and wellness by waiting until I see CONSISTENT change and growth, it devalues both people in the situation.
First, it devalues the person that was wronged, by saying their pain and their suffering is a secondary need to an intact relationship. It says they must simply accept or demean and lower themselves and their needs for the sake of the relationship unit. It also devalues the person who did the wrong, saying it is believed that they are actually incapable of appropriate growth. Some people go for acceptance, however - this technically should be utilized when there is no opportunity for true forgiveness. Basically, when the person who wronged you has died before they could appropriately make amends or they refuse to make amends. How healthy could a continued relationship be when the wronged party simply comes to accept they were wronged and will never received the reciprocal nature of true forgiveness.
I really like these short articles on the differences:
http://blogs.psychcentral.com/relationships/2012/04/four-approaches-forgiveness-ranging-from-cheap-to-genuine/
http://www.affairhealing.com/fake-forgiveness.html
http://www.affairhealing.com/premature-forgiveness.html
On the topic, I highly recommend the book, "How Can I Forgive You?: The Courage to Forgive, the Freedom Not to.
This book was really good in showing me that rushing into forgiveness to try to move things along and get 'back to normal' was actually damaging any opportunity for true restoration of the relationship. In taking my time, it is helping both my husband and I grow.
It was just recently that my husband said, "I am finally starting to get what it is like to be going through what you are going through." I asked him to explain and he finally started to be able to distinguish between the various emotions - what hurt, versus what caused anger, versus what caused embarrassment. That wouldn't have come if I didn't allow myself to be honest, if I rushed myself through the process, if I sat my needs aside and just opened my arms and said, "All is well!" No matter what happens in our relationship (we are just over seven months, no big decisions for a year), watching my husband figure out the layers of what he did has been good. Even if we aren't together in the future, him really understanding hurt and pain will help him relate better the children, and you know what - if things don't work out with us I hope he finds love again, and knowing and understanding true feelings will help in that.
When we say the words, "porn addiction", it doesn't quite get to what happens when there is a partner involved. It wasn't just watching and masturbating to porn (and in my husband's case - going to a massage parlor once). It was the denial of true intimacy, spending time away from being emotionally attached in the marriage, lying, hiding, spending household funds for videos or chat sessions, saying one thing and doing another.
We are finally getting to the deep hurts, those things that are truly hard to talk about. Like how hard it is to come to terms with the fact that my husband could look me in the eye and tell a lie. Like reading through letters my husband wrote me - where he said he understood he had been selfish in the past, but he would do better and I was the most beautiful, most intelligent, most kind, and loving woman and he would do everything he could to the best husband - and then two weeks later was when he went to a massage parlor and got a blow job. Yeah, he wrote a note that absolutely touched my soul and restored my faith in him, and he was still knee deep in porn (this was all before my discovery). We are getting to the nitty, gritty, ugly things that caused the wounds. Yeah, it was pretty easy to forgive ogling naked ladies, but this part - the lying, the deception, the intentional emotional manipulation just to get me off his trail - that deserves all the time it takes to get to true forgiveness, or not.
First, it devalues the person that was wronged, by saying their pain and their suffering is a secondary need to an intact relationship. It says they must simply accept or demean and lower themselves and their needs for the sake of the relationship unit. It also devalues the person who did the wrong, saying it is believed that they are actually incapable of appropriate growth. Some people go for acceptance, however - this technically should be utilized when there is no opportunity for true forgiveness. Basically, when the person who wronged you has died before they could appropriately make amends or they refuse to make amends. How healthy could a continued relationship be when the wronged party simply comes to accept they were wronged and will never received the reciprocal nature of true forgiveness.
I really like these short articles on the differences:
http://blogs.psychcentral.com/relationships/2012/04/four-approaches-forgiveness-ranging-from-cheap-to-genuine/
http://www.affairhealing.com/fake-forgiveness.html
http://www.affairhealing.com/premature-forgiveness.html
On the topic, I highly recommend the book, "How Can I Forgive You?: The Courage to Forgive, the Freedom Not to.
This book was really good in showing me that rushing into forgiveness to try to move things along and get 'back to normal' was actually damaging any opportunity for true restoration of the relationship. In taking my time, it is helping both my husband and I grow.
It was just recently that my husband said, "I am finally starting to get what it is like to be going through what you are going through." I asked him to explain and he finally started to be able to distinguish between the various emotions - what hurt, versus what caused anger, versus what caused embarrassment. That wouldn't have come if I didn't allow myself to be honest, if I rushed myself through the process, if I sat my needs aside and just opened my arms and said, "All is well!" No matter what happens in our relationship (we are just over seven months, no big decisions for a year), watching my husband figure out the layers of what he did has been good. Even if we aren't together in the future, him really understanding hurt and pain will help him relate better the children, and you know what - if things don't work out with us I hope he finds love again, and knowing and understanding true feelings will help in that.
When we say the words, "porn addiction", it doesn't quite get to what happens when there is a partner involved. It wasn't just watching and masturbating to porn (and in my husband's case - going to a massage parlor once). It was the denial of true intimacy, spending time away from being emotionally attached in the marriage, lying, hiding, spending household funds for videos or chat sessions, saying one thing and doing another.
We are finally getting to the deep hurts, those things that are truly hard to talk about. Like how hard it is to come to terms with the fact that my husband could look me in the eye and tell a lie. Like reading through letters my husband wrote me - where he said he understood he had been selfish in the past, but he would do better and I was the most beautiful, most intelligent, most kind, and loving woman and he would do everything he could to the best husband - and then two weeks later was when he went to a massage parlor and got a blow job. Yeah, he wrote a note that absolutely touched my soul and restored my faith in him, and he was still knee deep in porn (this was all before my discovery). We are getting to the nitty, gritty, ugly things that caused the wounds. Yeah, it was pretty easy to forgive ogling naked ladies, but this part - the lying, the deception, the intentional emotional manipulation just to get me off his trail - that deserves all the time it takes to get to true forgiveness, or not.