3-4 weeks CHANGES!

[Lauralou82]

Some of you will have read my previous posts but a quick re-cap.

My partner has has ED and DE that was apparent to me from about a month into our relationship ( the DE from the beginning - you can't help but notice someone hammering into you without being present and just trying to cum) I eventually began to suspect PIED and masturbation as the cause after months of worrying about his physical health... To the point where I was scared to tears his body was saying there was something life threatening going on. I still feel upset that he allowed me to panic about his health when he has admitted that deep down he kind of knew what the problem was.

Anyway - he swears that he has neither "sorted himself out" nor looked at porn since I caught him a couple of days before new year.

We've had sex 3 times since and each time there is a massive hurdle to get him to engage with me - he really holds back but I noticed last night that the mention of me going down on him quickly got his attention (so he's still being very selfish) the main thing I've noticed is that the ED has dramatically reduced and last night DE was definitely not a problem.... Is this his body beginning to respond? I'm guessing the next thing in the post will be flatline when his body/brain genuinely does start to reboot/rewire. Guess I'm just hoping that he starts being more attentive and reinforces his rewiring by being more loving towards me.

His moods have definitely improved towards me but they are very subject to change - a lot like mood swings..... There are very obvious waves of resentment there.

He did say with each success that he feels less anxious about performance - which is why I'm worried that when the flatline hits he's going to withdraw completely. I wish he'd do some research so he knew what I know .

It really does hurt to know that he has someone to love him despite all this yet he shows no appreciation of that..... I know I won't cope long term with the selfishness. Does it get better?

 

[AnonymousAnnaXO]

Hey, that sounds very tough. My partner never had ED or PIED or DE, but he would cum too quickly sometimes and sometimes on rare occasions not be able to sustain an erection. With time passing through his recovery, he now can maintain an erection much better, gets harder erections, and can last longer. So I do think it's your husbands body starting to heal.

When my partner quit using, for the first five months of recovery sex was up and down. He rarely went down on me, though he claimed to love it. ( He actually does, it just took a while for his brain to rewire). I noticed that my partner, while using and shortly after starting recovery, was still quite selfish when it came to himself in bed at times. I would go down on him and no return. I would go months with out him returning, and only maybe once a month I would get that from him.

It really does take time for the brain to rewire to being with a person not only physically but emotionally. There are times still (we are 7.5 months into his recovery) that he can be selfish and not think of me. It doesn't happen as frequently, but it happens. My partners mood towards me has improved, but when I get triggered then he snaps at me and gets angry with me, but admits to really being angry with himself. So, we as partners obviously will have our mood swings because of triggers, but our husbands and boyfriends also will have their mood swings.

I am sure that he may be feeling a ton of different emotions ranging from shame, to guilt, to embarrassment, to resentment, and so on. The key is to try to sit down and have an honest conversation about these emotions and why one is feeling them.

Recently my partner and I have gone through the Love you, Hate The Porn book and the questions in them, and we talk openly about our feelings. I told him that for a while after I found out I resented the hell out of him and that is why I usually would be angry with him. He told me that when I was angry at him, I put him down, leading to more guilt and with that conversation we began to change the way we interacted with each other. It's not perfect and we still have issues with disagreements at times, but it's improved our emotional intimacy, which then affects our physical intimacy.

 

[Lauralou82]

What kind of questions are in the Love You Hate Porn book?

My partner has "reciprocated" 3 times in over a year - I don't think it has dawned on him yet just how selfish he is in the bedroom.

 

[NewBeginning]

I'm sorry you are facing this. I never had a problem with ED or DE, but I have been clean for 2 months and I can honestly say that since I've stopped viewing porn and masturbating, I've started looking at my wife in a completely different way. She is the only one I want physically and emotionally. She is the most beautiful woman in the world to me. One time recently during sex, she asked in amazement, "What's gotten into you?!" I felt an incredible bond with her that I had never felt before and apparently she felt it to. I felt in that moment that I wanted to unselfishly give myself completely to her. Not just physically. In fact, it was much more than that. It was a deep love, affection, and appreciation for her and every part of her being. I still feel those feelings for her every day, even if were just standing in the kitchen talking. But those feelings are more than feelings. They are a choice that I'm consciously making. Unfortunately there are other issues in our marriage right now that are getting in the way of us being intimate with one another, but that's another story.

I wish the best for you and your husband's recovery. I can only suggest being patient with him. Sexual performance can be a very difficult subject for us guys. Right or wrong, sometimes in our own minds, we put a lot of weight into defining our masculinity by our sexual performance.

 

[AnonymousAnnaXO]

Wow three times... Well I am sorry to hear that. I told my partner that girls want guys to go down on them as much as guys want girls to go down on him. He was shocked when I told him that. I was honestly laughing in my head when he seemed so dumbfounded by that. I also am the first girl he has ever gone down on... so that says a lot about how his addiction affected him. He never watched guys going down on girls in porn so he never realy thought about that in real life. porn seriously screws up people's brains...

We haven't gotten through more than 3 questions but it's been amazing the progress we've made.

The questions are:

1. What has it been like for you to have the sacred trust you placed in me betrayed by my choices?
2. How do you experience your days differently now than before the discovery of my behavior?
3.What ongoing events or activities trigger painful feelings for you? How often do these experiences occur?
4. How have my choices impacted your beliefs and feelings about intimacy in our relationship? What boundaries would you like to establish or change about intimacy?
5. What fears do you currently have about me or our relationship? When are these fears more intense? Less intense? What helps reduce your fear? How do you physically experience fear (for example, bodily sensations, headaches, tension, restlessness, and so on)?
6. What things need to change in order for you to feel like you could begin to start trusting me again?
7. What aspects of my behavior are most offensive and painful for you?
8. What aspects of this problem am I closed about? How do I shut you down from expressing your feelings? What is one thing I can do differently to help improve our discussions about difficult topics?
9. To what extent do you feel trapped because of my choices? How can I help you feel like you have more options and choices?
10. What impacts have my choices had on spirituality in our home or in our relationship?
11. As I work toward restoring trust in our relationship, what are some specific things I will need to pay attention to? What things can I change that would give you some hope?
12. What do you see as being the most important priority for our relationship at this time?
13. In all that has happened what has been the most painful aspect of your experience?
14.What do you need most right now in our relationship?

So what me and my partner do is set time once or twice a week to talk about the addiction and recovery. We set about an hour or two aside to discuss this. We have reminders on our phones so we do actually sit down to talk. Usually I answer first, then my partner responds. Then I have him answer the question and I  respond. This usually gets us to talk, and it seg-ways into other things that needed to be discussed.

 

[Gracie]

You can see some of the questions at

markchamberlainphd.blogspot.com

Go to home or click the tabs at the top of the page.  Also read the archives!  A lot of helpful info!  Talks to both pa and so.  Lets pas know the pain of partner and gives help for both.  Helps preserve and repair relationship.  It along with book got us through!

 

[Lauralou82]

I'm sorry you are facing this. I never had a problem with ED or DE, but I have been clean for 2 months and I can honestly say that since I've stopped viewing porn and masturbating, I've started looking at my wife in a completely different way. She is the only one I want physically and emotionally. She is the most beautiful woman in the world to me. One time recently during sex, she asked in amazement, "What's gotten into you?!" I felt an incredible bond with her that I had never felt before and apparently she felt it to. I felt in that moment that I wanted to unselfishly give myself completely to her. Not just physically. In fact, it was much more than that. It was a deep love, affection, and appreciation for her and every part of her being. I still feel those feelings for her every day, even if were just standing in the kitchen talking. But those feelings are more than feelings. They are a choice that I'm consciously making. Unfortunately there are other issues in our marriage right now that are getting in the way of us being intimate with one another, but that's another story.

I wish the best for you and your husband's recovery. I can only suggest being patient with him. Sexual performance can be a very difficult subject for us guys. Right or wrong, sometimes in our own minds, we put a lot of weight into defining our masculinity by our sexual performance.

I've put a 3 month timeframe in place for my own sake to review the situation - the way my partner views me is certainly one of the most important things I'm hyperaware of. It does a woman no good to be naked both physically and emotionally around their partner and not be appreciated. I can be naked in the room and he doesn't even look up from what he's doing - those interactions (or more importantly lack of) are what chips away at your self esteem.

 

[stillme]

We are almost eight months out and I can say this with confidence - do not put too much faith in your partner too early to be able to meet any of your emotional needs, only a few of your physical needs, and to still be very selfish and self centered at this point in the game. One thing that has been amazingly helpful to me is working with my counselor in understanding the 'signs' I should be looking for in his recovery that would allow me to truly understand if he is recovering to the point of growing up and being able to be a reciprocal true peer/partner in the relationship. I am not his mother, I am his wife - he needs to give just as much as he gets in this relationship. Figure out what milestones you need to be looking for and if your partner is making appropriate progress and in a manor that is timely enough for you.

One thing that really helped is that my counselor and my husband's counselor communicate with one another. My husband's partner is very focused on partner's of porn addicts in addition to the recovering porn addict.

Another thing I can say that I wish I did differently in the beginning of my husband's recovery is to NOT be overly focused on pleasing him sexually. It is like I was playing a "pick me" game in trying to convince my husband I was better than porn. Nope, nope, and nope. I will not try to compete with porn. That doesn't mean I don't care about his needs, but I definitely see the benefit of the "hard 90" a lot of men do and think that would have been a better boundary for us than jumping right back in to sex as soon as his penis worked again. I felt so much pressure to make sure that he was pleased. But, being sexually selfish was a big reason he became a porn addict in the first place. So, if I continued to enable that selfish thinking, it wasn't moving him to be focused on being a contributing partner and a peer. Do I want him sexually satisfied? Yes. But, he also needs to want me to be sexually satisfied and he also need to care about intimacy in addition to sex.

 

[Lauralou82]

Yes.... My partner is still completely disinterested in my needs - yet I get the impression that if I gave that attention elsewhere... As in if i started chatting to other people that would hurt him. I'm pretty sure that he isn't too fussed about the idea of mensorting myself out - but I think the idea of me interacting and getting off via porn WOULD bother him.

I can't be with some one that doesn't want me to be satisfied..... Surely his neglect is just going to make us both miserable.

How successful is rebooting/rewiring when it comes to getting rid of the selfish attitude?

 

[Lauralou82]

The times We've had sex there is a massive improvement - I do feel that it is still all me initiating though which makes me sad.

Outside of anything that could be related to bedroom issues my partner has cared and being present. There was slight resentment once when I disassociated because of a stressful situation at work but that was born of confusion because he didn't understand what it was. He has recently looked into CPTSD and is slightly more aware of what that involves but a little bit of information does not come near true indersatanding and making an effort to understand...... That applies to the PIED AND DE too!

He is making very small steps and there are tangible changes over the past few weeks - but I know there could be more if he was actively making an effort.

I'm aware there could be a flatline in the post and I don't want that to cause a point where either of us would give up. I know my resilience is worn thin..... He has asked to take ownership but has done next to nothing with it...... So how I'm I supposed to trust him to fix this when he took my unconditional trust and broke it?

 

[Lauralou82]

I've asked multiple times if there's been any changes that he is aware of....  No offer of information 're:
morning erections
Spontaneous erections
Increased sensitivity
How he feels towards me
How he views his behaviour
His own feeleings of anxiety/nerves or otherwise.

Still early days though.

 

[Lauralou82]

I know the ball is literally in his court - just scared he's going to let me down because US doesn't have any value.

It's hard not to try and be close to the one I love and its hard not to engage in what I would see is normal foreplay even though I know it's not making the proper reinforcements.... But more importantly I don't want to be vulnerable. I want to be secure in my relationship and not even have the risk of having my head turned - what would that make me?

 

[Lauralou82]

I'm sorry you are facing this. I never had a problem with ED or DE, but I have been clean for 2 months and I can honestly say that since I've stopped viewing porn and masturbating, I've started looking at my wife in a completely different way. She is the only one I want physically and emotionally. She is the most beautiful woman in the world to me. One time recently during sex, she asked in amazement, "What's gotten into you?!" I felt an incredible bond with her that I had never felt before and apparently she felt it to. I felt in that moment that I wanted to unselfishly give myself completely to her. Not just physically. In fact, it was much more than that. It was a deep love, affection, and appreciation for her and every part of her being. I still feel those feelings for her every day, even if were just standing in the kitchen talking. But those feelings are more than feelings. They are a choice that I'm consciously making. Unfortunately there are other issues in our marriage right now that are getting in the way of us being intimate with one another, but that's another story.

I wish the best for you and your husband's recovery. I can only suggest being patient with him. Sexual performance can be a very difficult subject for us guys. Right or wrong, sometimes in our own minds, we put a lot of weight into defining our masculinity by our sexual performance.

I've read this a few times now and it makes me cry every time.... I wish my partner would recognize me.

I want to be loved by him.... I don't want anybody else.

Unfortunately my partner actually made love to me (or that's how it felt) on boxing day...a few days before d-day..... That was the closest Wed been during sex since our first month or two together and it left me reeling! Obviously there's more to our relationship than sex but now I'm in a place where I can't deny how his attitude extends beyond the bedroom.

Now I'm trying to be a supportive partner and facilitate a reboot/rewire with someone who resents my feelings of hurt at the same time as having to lay next to him while he's (albeit only when he's fell asleep drunk) pulling at himself in his sleep! He's really rough with himself.... And tbh - he verbally told me he's good at oral (as if I'd know) but he was very straight in there and rough with me too...... I'm not one for immediate gratification. Am I expecting too much for him to want to take care of me? I know he would be hurt if I went elsewhere but I can't tell if it's because he loves me or if it's because it would be a blow to his ego.

He doesn't understand how alone I am.... I can't talk to anyone about this and I'm scared it's going to make me vulnerable in ways I'm not aware of. I don't like the idea of having a target sign on me because of my CPTSD anyway.... This makes me feel like I've got flashing lights and a fog horn!

 

[Lauralou82]

@stillme & JKS

My partner actually expect me to refrain from any kind of release as a condition of him rebooting/rewiring..... I suppose that's what is making me focus on the continuation of the selfish nature.

Did your man have that attitude in the beginning? Does he love you better now?

I don't mean to upset or trigger - just very alone with this. X

 

[Lauralou82]

That's reassuring.... Yes the appeal has gone for me too. It just makes me feel worse.