Feeling overwhelmed and triggered

[AnonymousAnnaXO]

I am really kicking myself for my trauma reactions and triggers. I got triggered yesterday and that caused an argument between my partner and I, we then made up.

Today, we went out with a friend since it was his bday and he knows about our situation and is really nice and understanding. So we were talking about the friends ex gf who cheated on him, and he suspected she was a sex addict, and my partner was saying that she didn't deserve another chance and stuff and I got really upset because I gave my partner 8 chances so it was really hypercritical. I said something mean back to him. Then we were at odds a bit. I apologized. He also did some passive aggressive things because he was angry about something I mentioned from my past which hurt me. It's been a crap night. Then we get back to our place with the friend and then they mention a movie that I know has things in the movie that are triggering to me, and then I looked up the movie on kids in mind and saw that in the movie there was porn stuff in it and now I am in the room with my partner and his friend and trying to not cry and break down from triggers, and I feel so overwhelmed, and stupid, and crappy. I just hate that I get triggered so easily. I feel so guilty and pathetic at times. I just am having the worst night... I feel so insecure and uncomfortable and just like crap and worthless and stupid. I don't know if it's just the amount of triggers today, because I didn't even mention ones from earlier....
I am sure I'll feel better tomorrow, but every time I get triggered I really beat myself up for it, and I can't seem to stop. My partner when I get triggered, gets mad at me, and he has admitted he reacts that way because in reality he hates seeing me triggered because he knows he and his addiction is what made me this way, and so he admits to taking it out on me. And idk... I just feel pathetic and not worthy. At times, usually when triggered, I feel like it would be better if I just left to save us both the pain and I know how stupid that is overall, but I just hate the triggers and amount of times in a day I can get triggered...I also feel so alone when that happens and shameful, like I can't talk about it.

 

[stillme]

Is there a reason why your partner is choosing to not be more sensitive to your triggers? Like, why would he think it would be acceptable to watch a movie with porn in it?  Why is that something he is willing to do knowing the situation?

And, why does he think it is okay to tell someone else to leave their spouse when, like you said, you have given him so many chances? Why is he not trying to comfort when you are having a hard time rather than arguing with you and escalating things seeing as you are hurting and a large part of that hurt is things he brought into the marriage that affected you negatively?

I am not sure how healing comes to the relationship if he is choosing not to be sensitive to your needs at this time. Especially watching a movie with porn - that just seems completely disrespectful at this point.

 

[AnonymousAnnaXO]

So the movie was Superbad, and he watched it when he was younger, but since he can't remember his porn use while with me, and since he and the friend were talking about aspects of the movie, I got scared he would remember the sex or porn stuff in the movie, which was the thing that triggered me. So no, he wasn't watching it last night and he knows that would be a movie on the "not happening" list.

Cody also just recently has become aware of how he reacts to me when I'm triggered. So we've agreed to work on that. Me trying not to yell and him trying not to get angry. When I get triggered he told me he felt like I'm attacking him so he gets defensive. I tried explaining that when I get triggered and cry and sometimes yell it's because of the overwhelming pain and I am not directing it at him but more of the trigger or memory that came up. He usually feels that when I a have a trigger and react, that he automatically did something wrong again, which he didn't. So he gets defensive and depressed when it happens.

The thing is I, when triggered in the apartment, I go to the shower to calm down, but since we had company, I couldn't do that, so I ended up talking to my best friend from my old college (who is a guy that I had a huge crush on and we made out once, but I chose to be just friends with him because there wasn't any chemistry and he was better as a friend). This friend of mine sometimes makes Cody uncomfortable because of the history we've had, which is practically nothing, but he gets quite sensitive about it. I don't blame him I can understand where he is coming from, he is more threatened by how close I am to him rather than the actual physical history. But the thing is, that friend helped me right after I got raped the last time. He and his other friend both taught me self defense afterwards, helped me with the traumatic breakdowns, let me stay at their place if I didn't feel safe at mine, and always would be there for me. Those two are my safe people, and the only friends that stuck by my side, so I am close to them, so I know that can bother Cody at times, but honestly that friend was on fb when I was trying not to have a breakdown and Cody was talking with his friend, and I didn't want to ruin the friends bday with breaking down in front of them, so I messaged my friend on fb as a way to cope until Cody's friend left and Cody and I could talk. I tried explaining that when trauma happens and there are people there afterwards there can be a bond formed and that's why I am close to those guy friends of mine. All my other guys friends and ex's didn't help me at all, and I don't talk to them anymore. So I also kinda feel a bit strange about being close to that guy friend, not I am questioning if I am doing something wrong???

And Cody's friend isn't married to this girl, but they were together and serious for a long time and she cheated on him physically multiple times after telling him that the affair had ended. I asked the friend if he thought she could be a sex addict and he said yes, and I explained to him that she maybe doesn't realize that or is in denial and needs help. I was just trying to explain the situation to him so he might be able to process and move on better. I am not advocating he gives that girl another chance because she hasn't shown any signs of being willing to change or get help, but Cody saying that his friend shouldn't give the girl anymore chances triggered me into thinking "then why the f*** did I give you so many chances?" so that's why I got mad, and Cody acknowledged that he was being hypercritical but made the point that he eventually got to the point of wanting to change and actually sticking to his recovery.