Vincent
Active Member
Hello people,
after struggling like everybody here and going trough some relapses I concerned myself with this matter. I searched the forum topics for a "how to" on this subject and did not find one. So I took the liberty of starting it myself, hoping to get more insight on how to deal with a relapse and also to have a reference for others concerned about this. Any input is very much appreciated.
My personal thoughts on relapses:
First off a definition might clear up some things:
The above mentioned article concerned itself with the moral/religious background of the termina lapse/slip as a one time occurrence and relapse as a regress to a the behaviour prior to abstinence. The field of Psycology further describes also the terminus "total regression" if the abstinence cycle is broken. So there are three things I can transfer into porn addiction:
1. most people probably rather lapse than relapse during PMO abstinence
2. the lapse can become a relapse if eg. binged on porn because of behaviour regression.
3. The relapse CAN regress back to a total addiction.
So basically there is a point when the lapse still can be detained from becoming a relapse. I think this is very important, because there is a difference in what it can cause to recovery. Eventually everybody has to decide whether it was a lapse, relapse or total regression by him/herself. However, there are fundamental differences in how to approach the three occasions.
Addiction Caracterization
In order to deal with the problems of whithdrawal, including lapses and relapses, an addiction must be classified. As most of us already read on YBOP, the addiciton - we call it Porn addiction - is a subcategory of Hypersexuality (1). Furthermore There are different categories to this addiction, which strangely has been categorized but not that strongly attended to. It is best categorized (in my opinion) with Impulse control disorder (2). The strive for sex as a method of compensation and relief can get compulsive (nymphomany/satyrasis) and if not given the opportunity to copulate (or if not needed anymore like with porn addicted brains) this behaviour is outsourced to other methods - like PMO. It is not caracterized as compulsory disorder because after a while it is the impulse to "just do it" which is not controllable anymore by the addict. Another study found a (marginal) link between Out-of-control sexual behaviour(OCSB) to intimacy-related anxiety and avoidance (3).
Mthods of coping
In a very interesting article which I really recommend to read the reason for lapse/relapse is categorized as follows:
The article further states that it is crucial to keep the lapse to a minimum size and not to relate to internal weakness (eg. lack of willpower) but to an external event. This can minimze the AVE, which leads to a moment of depression making a relapse more probable. The main goals should always be "abstinence regardless of the slips" so a behavioural regression gets unlikely.
This leads to a first step:
Do not make your lack of willpower responsible for the lapse, but an external factor. Even if it may be a partial lie, it decreases the probability of relapse. Accept it, stand up again and continue with abstinence. Regain of control as fast as possible.
At this point the article also mentiones Triggers for a relapse/lapse. Since this section here is about how to deal with relapses I will not write too much. I however find it helpful to know the trigger categories:
Intrapersonal-Environmental Determinants
1. Coping with negative emotional states
2. Coping with negative physical-psycological states
3. Enhancement of positive emotional states
4. Testing of personal control
5. Giving in to temptations and urges
Interpersonal Determinants
1. Interpersonal Conflicts
2. Social pressure
3. Enhancement of positive emotional states with others
These could be said to be the classic moments of weakness, when one can or could fall back. So isolation of triggers - and they of course varry from person to person - is crucial to evading relapse.
The only possibility to analyze those triggers however are either to be so very damn aware of everything one is doing and going through, or, to learn from relapse and analyze the situation and emotional state when it happened. So:
Relapse is part of the recovery process and therefore important if it is taken as a serious step to improvement.
What to do after a lapse?
the scientific community recommends:
Therefore: Use the lapse as an opportunity to learn from.
The article then lists an emergency plan for lapses. I read it trough and compared it to what I have prepared for the case of another lapse yesterday. They basically have the same assumptions:
1. Stop, look and listen: pay attention to what you are doing at this moment. Then stop everything - switch off!
2. Activate Emergency plan: go to another room, do a different activity, distract yourself from the lapse related stuff immediately
3. keep calm: a lapse is not a relapse. It is a mistake but not failure of your reboot. Use it to improve your methods.
4. renew committment: Usually, after a lapse the motivation is at a low. DO NOT USE THAT AS AN EXCUSE TO FALL INTO RELAPSE. The best thing you can do is to tell yourself again why you are doing this reboot, brace yourself and be more committed then before.
5. Review the situation: why did you lapse? where? when? which device? hungry? bored? all of that matters.
6. Start again. Ok. Counterwise it may be a start from "0" again. But it is not. If you learned from this opportunity, you will emerge from a lapse even more committed to your goal than before.
Most of us struggle with lapses and relapses once in a while. It however is more of an opportunity than a failure. The main goal is to break the cycle of addiction here! If you see the lapse as an opportunity and embrace it you probaly will come closer to your goal.
Because we do not want to fight or control our addictions all life long - but to be free of them.
I hope to have given some useful tips here and not having bored anyone to death with scientific stuff...sorry about that...
To this topic, so I am sure, there are many approaches and helpful strategies - which I am encouraging you to share.
(1) http://www.paraphilias.com/publications/pdfs/Kaplan,%20Krueger-Hypersexuality.pdf
(2) WHO IDC-10: F63.8
(3) http://www.psychology.org.nz/wp-content/uploads/Faisandier.pdf
(4) http://medind.nic.in/daa/t11/i2/daat11i2p199.pdf
after struggling like everybody here and going trough some relapses I concerned myself with this matter. I searched the forum topics for a "how to" on this subject and did not find one. So I took the liberty of starting it myself, hoping to get more insight on how to deal with a relapse and also to have a reference for others concerned about this. Any input is very much appreciated.
My personal thoughts on relapses:
First off a definition might clear up some things:
The above mentioned article concerned itself with the moral/religious background of the termina lapse/slip as a one time occurrence and relapse as a regress to a the behaviour prior to abstinence. The field of Psycology further describes also the terminus "total regression" if the abstinence cycle is broken. So there are three things I can transfer into porn addiction:
1. most people probably rather lapse than relapse during PMO abstinence
2. the lapse can become a relapse if eg. binged on porn because of behaviour regression.
3. The relapse CAN regress back to a total addiction.
So basically there is a point when the lapse still can be detained from becoming a relapse. I think this is very important, because there is a difference in what it can cause to recovery. Eventually everybody has to decide whether it was a lapse, relapse or total regression by him/herself. However, there are fundamental differences in how to approach the three occasions.
Addiction Caracterization
In order to deal with the problems of whithdrawal, including lapses and relapses, an addiction must be classified. As most of us already read on YBOP, the addiciton - we call it Porn addiction - is a subcategory of Hypersexuality (1). Furthermore There are different categories to this addiction, which strangely has been categorized but not that strongly attended to. It is best categorized (in my opinion) with Impulse control disorder (2). The strive for sex as a method of compensation and relief can get compulsive (nymphomany/satyrasis) and if not given the opportunity to copulate (or if not needed anymore like with porn addicted brains) this behaviour is outsourced to other methods - like PMO. It is not caracterized as compulsory disorder because after a while it is the impulse to "just do it" which is not controllable anymore by the addict. Another study found a (marginal) link between Out-of-control sexual behaviour(OCSB) to intimacy-related anxiety and avoidance (3).
Mthods of coping
In a very interesting article which I really recommend to read the reason for lapse/relapse is categorized as follows:
The article further states that it is crucial to keep the lapse to a minimum size and not to relate to internal weakness (eg. lack of willpower) but to an external event. This can minimze the AVE, which leads to a moment of depression making a relapse more probable. The main goals should always be "abstinence regardless of the slips" so a behavioural regression gets unlikely.
This leads to a first step:
Do not make your lack of willpower responsible for the lapse, but an external factor. Even if it may be a partial lie, it decreases the probability of relapse. Accept it, stand up again and continue with abstinence. Regain of control as fast as possible.
At this point the article also mentiones Triggers for a relapse/lapse. Since this section here is about how to deal with relapses I will not write too much. I however find it helpful to know the trigger categories:
Intrapersonal-Environmental Determinants
1. Coping with negative emotional states
2. Coping with negative physical-psycological states
3. Enhancement of positive emotional states
4. Testing of personal control
5. Giving in to temptations and urges
Interpersonal Determinants
1. Interpersonal Conflicts
2. Social pressure
3. Enhancement of positive emotional states with others
These could be said to be the classic moments of weakness, when one can or could fall back. So isolation of triggers - and they of course varry from person to person - is crucial to evading relapse.
The only possibility to analyze those triggers however are either to be so very damn aware of everything one is doing and going through, or, to learn from relapse and analyze the situation and emotional state when it happened. So:
Relapse is part of the recovery process and therefore important if it is taken as a serious step to improvement.
What to do after a lapse?
the scientific community recommends:
Therefore: Use the lapse as an opportunity to learn from.
The article then lists an emergency plan for lapses. I read it trough and compared it to what I have prepared for the case of another lapse yesterday. They basically have the same assumptions:
1. Stop, look and listen: pay attention to what you are doing at this moment. Then stop everything - switch off!
2. Activate Emergency plan: go to another room, do a different activity, distract yourself from the lapse related stuff immediately
3. keep calm: a lapse is not a relapse. It is a mistake but not failure of your reboot. Use it to improve your methods.
4. renew committment: Usually, after a lapse the motivation is at a low. DO NOT USE THAT AS AN EXCUSE TO FALL INTO RELAPSE. The best thing you can do is to tell yourself again why you are doing this reboot, brace yourself and be more committed then before.
5. Review the situation: why did you lapse? where? when? which device? hungry? bored? all of that matters.
6. Start again. Ok. Counterwise it may be a start from "0" again. But it is not. If you learned from this opportunity, you will emerge from a lapse even more committed to your goal than before.
Most of us struggle with lapses and relapses once in a while. It however is more of an opportunity than a failure. The main goal is to break the cycle of addiction here! If you see the lapse as an opportunity and embrace it you probaly will come closer to your goal.
Because we do not want to fight or control our addictions all life long - but to be free of them.
I hope to have given some useful tips here and not having bored anyone to death with scientific stuff...sorry about that...
To this topic, so I am sure, there are many approaches and helpful strategies - which I am encouraging you to share.
(1) http://www.paraphilias.com/publications/pdfs/Kaplan,%20Krueger-Hypersexuality.pdf
(2) WHO IDC-10: F63.8
(3) http://www.psychology.org.nz/wp-content/uploads/Faisandier.pdf
(4) http://medind.nic.in/daa/t11/i2/daat11i2p199.pdf
