Looking for Hope in the Midst of Utter Darkness - My Journal

[D22clarka]

  I am new to this forum. I came here after realizing what my problem is. So I just want to start by saying hi to everyone, and I appreciate anyone who reads this or replies!

  I have been an on and off porn user since I was 12. I'm almost 28 now, and I've used it today. I can't remember how long I've went without porn, maybe a few months or so here and there. Once when I was 15 I went almost a year without it. But ever since I was 12, I'll go through daily binges that last weeks. Lately it's been everyday. I use it to soothe stress and loneliness, anxiety. What I didn't realize was how much porn has effected me. I have all the signs and symptoms of PIED.

I want to tell you how I came to realize I had a big problem: Last November I got into a "relationship" with a woman I am absolutely crazy about. It wasn't long before we had sex. I was a virgin, she wasn't. Anyways, the first experience didn't end well with her. I lost my erection after a  minute or so of penetration and couldn't get it back. I know a lot of it was nerves; and she became a bit upset; and I felt really bad.

But she stuck with me and we "tried" on and off for a couple months. But I would always lose my erection when it came time for intercourse. And I could never climax with her. I found I started to get really nervous when it was time to have sex. I was afraid of losing my erection because it always made me feel terrible afterwards. It would shatter my confidence for days, never really recovering, and making it worse the next time. I got to a point where I was so afraid I avoided her initiations, making her think I didn't want her.

For a long time I was convinced it was performance anxiety, and I think part of it is. But she would get upset sometimes and I'd feel worse. She would think I wasn't attracted to her. And she wouldn't make me her boyfriend unless we were having sex. So I felt so much pressure. I knew she would find someone else sooner or later.

But I think my real problem isn't so much performance anxiety; my real fear is that I know I won't be able to stay hard for intercourse. I'm used to using my hand; and porn. I'm used to watching rather than doing. She is so beautiful; girl of my dreams; and YET when it came time for sex, I would see her naked and not be aroused. I blamed my performance anxiety, but I am not so sure that was the underlying factor. I think it's because of all the porn use. Long story short, her and I are pretty much through at this point. I feel awful about it because I love her a lot; but I cannot have intercourse with her. And she doesn't know much about PIED, and until like today I haven't thought much about it either.

So here I am; broken and alone. And I know my years of porn use have damaged my sensitivity levels and my ability to maintain erections during intercourse, because I'm not used to it. I'm used to doing it myself; through pornographic fantasies, and rough masterbation. I'm ashamed, and afriad, and heart broken. But I want change. I've been into compulsive masterbating for quite a few years now. I know I have a problem and I believe that this is a place for me to start to overcome that problem. So today is Day 0 for me; I'm starting this journey immediately. I will probably never be able to recover in time to keep the woman I love so much; but at least I will take back my manhood and have a better future. My heart is all in this thing; I've got a problem and I'm ready to stop. I'll fight until my flesh is worn off my bones!

So that's my story, and where I'm at at this point. I'd appreciate any encouragement/advice. I feel ashamed to tell you what I told you above. But I feel so alone in this. Thanks, and see you soon.



 

 

 

[Floink]

Hi Clarka!

Welcome to the forum, you have come to the right place! You really do not need to be ashamed of writing anything here. The great thing about the internet is the anonymity you can enjoy while opening up to peers.

First thing: Sorry to hear about the complicated situation with that girl of your dreams. It really sucks not to be able to open up to someone and sleep with them. But if you stick around these premises for some time, you will soon notice that many of us guys here had to learn about their problems the hard way (if "the hard way" is an appropriate name for it here... the soft way might be more fitting...). Many of us were excited to be with a girl (or boy, whatev) for the first time and then experiencing he big disappointment of "not functioning". Many of us thought the excitement, nervosity or being drunk was the reason for their unability to get or maintain an erection and it took them quite some time to realize that it was their masturbational behaviour that killed off their real-life-libido (in contrast to their online-libido).

It is a great thing that you came here to join us. This community is very helpful and supportive. Talking about problems really helps to get things off your shoulder and writing stuff down helps a lot to get complicated things straight for oneself. Writing and communicating with others helped me a lot to get where I am right now. I started almost 4 months ago after being left by my gf (which was probably for the best). By keeping myself busy and informed about the wicked ways your brain can trick you into fapping/watching porn again I was able to recover quite well. Rebooting can be stressful, but also fun at times. You will soon notice the positive effects, I am sure

I can recommend you the FAQ on yourbrainonporn.com for information. Also, you can always ask me or the others for advice or just write stuff to distract yourself, in the Forum or via PM.

Have fun and a great time!

Floink

 

[Stowe2010]

Calrka,

Don't eel ashamed in telling us your story, it is great to hear and know where you are coming from. Many of us on this website feel broken and alone from our p addictions, and that is why we are here. Reboot is a great resource for recovery and getting help if you use it daily and strive to make changes in your behavior. We all make mistakes but the key is to learn from them and not kick our selves in the head (I do this too much) over them. That is great that you met a women you love and even though things did not work out with her, use this as motivation to get and stay off of p so that one day you can find another beautiful woman to love. Were glad to have you on here and on the recovery network, keep up the good work my friend, you can do this! Remember that time heals all wounds, including ones from our p addiction and as long as we don't use, in time we will recovery.

 

[D22clarka]

Thank you all for the support! It is very encouraging to suddenly have people here with me in this, when before it was always just me caught in a restless ocean of struggle, pain, fear, and what ifs. Then I saw a lifeboat, and you guys pulled me in!  Let's continue to row to shore, picking up any survivors we find along the way!

Today is Day 2 for me. I feel fine as far as it goes. I was a little tempted to M earlier, mostly out of boredom and lonely thoughts. I didn't though, and I installed Covenant Eyes onto my computer, I have a great friend who is an accountability partner. And I tossed the cigarettes out today, after over a year of smoking a pack a day. Went for a 2 mile jog(first time in 6 months) and lifted some weights. Feeling pretty relaxed. I want this thing. Bad.

I know weary days will come, when I just wanna stay in bed and give up the fight. That's when I gotta remember....that's when we all have got to remember, the eye of the tiger. Stay hungry for your desire for change! Stay strong; don't stay down, and never give up! Love you brothers...thank you for the support. You have my support as well.

 

[D22clarka]

After a tough relapse, i am back on track. Today is day 5 for me. Im feeling very restless and anxious. Almost caved with M earlier. My goal right now is 21 days. This thing is the ultimate ass kicker of the inner being. Sometimes my insides feel on fire. I wanna do this. I keep hoping to get back with my ex, i see her about every week. She texts me quite a bit sometimes. Im not sure there is any real hope there, but i would love to beat this thing and one day get another chance. But i gotta do this for me. Trying to stay strong.