The Scarlett Letter

[AnonymousAnnaXO]

I loved The Scarlett Letter in high school. I remember reading it and feeling so angry at the towns' people for making Hester wear the letter "A" for adulterer.

I posted ages ago about how my partner had posted on facebook about his addiction and came out about it. I also mentioned the terrible reaction people had toward me.

My partner's dad and I made amends because I had written a letter and read it to him months ago. My partner's mother is still being very unfair. She still thinks I wrote that post and says she likes me but doesn't trust me. That really hurts. She also said that her whole side of the family had been talking about it. My partner isn't sure if what she is saying is true, or if she is trying to put blame on the other family members.

This weekend on Saturday his mom's brother is having a surprise birthday party. We have to go. I am really scared. The last family get together we had with them was in the winter, and one of his aunts made me take the family photo (which hurt!) and I felt very unwelcomed.

His mom wants us to meet at her house and go with her, but she hasn't even apologized for accusing me of screening his phone (back in December) and she also treated my partner like a child and was going to get him a new phone and all this stuff.
If you want the full story here is a link to my blog https://undiscoveredandexposed.wordpress.com/2017/02/05/moms/
That post is exactly how the conversations went with her.

She is very dismissive, avoidant. My partner's parents are divorced and have been since he was around 10 or 12.

I just feel like his mom hates me and I have no idea if she will show it, or if any other family member will show it (not in a public way, but in their attitude or looks towards me).

I am really anxious about going, and we have to go, I just feel like I have a Scarlett Letter on me because of my partner's post. Any advice??

Also! My partner last week when talking to his mom on the phone mentioned marriage. The mom was talking about how her side of the family wanted there to be weddings for their kids soon, and so my partner said, "There is going to be a wedding soon." His mom said, "Oh really? You better get your finances together."

I think she is really upset that he wants to marry me too. I talked to him about how wonderful it would be when he proposed and we would celebrate and all, but I told him I was also really scared of us taking that step because I really don't want people to attack me again (whether behind my back or to my face). I just hate that his mom (and possibly her side of the family) have been talking about his addiction and me in a bad way.

 

[aquarius25]

I understand what you are saying about the scarlet letter. You are in a very difficult situation. Putting porn addiction aside (as hard and crazy as that sounds, lol) the two of you need to get on the same page and have a plan. Marriage is so hard then you add porn and it is practically impossible. My husband and I had a really difficult time with his family. His mom did not like me at all. The most important thing was for us to get on the same page. He was marrying me and choosing to spend the rest of his life with me, not his mother. She was terribly mean to me for no real reason except she was loosing her son. Yes those were her words, lol. I was called so many hurtful things and finally after some serious conversations with my husband we got on the same page. We agreed that the two of us were first priority but my family was my responsibility and his family was his. So he needed to stand up for me and lay down the president that I am his wife. He talked to him mom about how when she said hurtful things about me it was the same as saying them about him. He laid down some ground rules for respect. She did push for a while and he followed through. We ended up not really spending much time with her for a while. Finally she was able to start being more respectful and now we have a decent relationship with her. It wasn't easy. It took my husband standing up and laying down a president that I am important to him. Above all else the two of you need to be on the same page and feel comfortable with each other. If his family isn't treating you with respect he needs to stand up for you. If he doesn't do this now you are in for years of hurt and should really think about your future. We all know communication and support are the foundation to a relationship. Get those started now. I with you the very best!

 

[AnonymousAnnaXO]

See, he is defending me now, originally (months back) he was hesitant, and I got mad and wasn't sure why, but it was because he was scared his mom would hate him and not have a relationship with him if he stood up to her. He has now learned he can stand up to her and still try to have a relationship with her.

He is defending me, it's more I just really hate the idea of people disliking me, especially for something I didn't do. For someone who knows me well, they would laugh if someone said that I posted that on my partner's wall, or was screening his phone calls. That is NOT who I am. I am someone who knows right from wrong, hell I go to one of the top criminal justice schools in my country, I am very aware of boundaries, and what is morally right and wrong by societal standards. So it's been tough to have people think so lowly of my character. I know only time and communication will fix that, but I just am dreading tomorrow.

 

[Emerald Blue]

There is no need for you to feel bad in any way because of your BF's decision to speak out against porn addiction and make public his own experiences. All of us here can admire someone who is prepared to make a stand but some people in the family would prefer not to be made uncomfortable because it's out in the open. Remember, Mommy Dearest didn't ask for it either but chances are she wishes it was never an issue. She would rather she knew nothing at all, but now she doesn't have the luxury of apathy.

It's tough when you're young. My in-laws didn't like me when I met them. I spent years being tolerated rather than accepted. In fact I was blamed for their genius boy wonder not being the big success he was supposed to be, conveniently forgetting that he flunked school because he couldn't deal with all the dysfunction going on in that family from alcoholism to sexual molestation to mental illness. They looked down on me because my family were poor but at least we were a loving family and we had a stable home. Not perfect, but at least we weren't putting on a false front of showing the world how "respectable" we were and how much money we had whilst all sorts of dysfunction was going on behind closed doors. As my therapist told me, that family had major problems long before I showed up. There was no fucking way I was paying the price for their delusional facade.

When all the porn addiction was dragged into the open, the reasons why he became an addict were right there. As we're the skills of secrecy and deception, putting on a false front, inability to communicate properly, etc etc. He was such a textbook case. In fact, another thing was that when he realised he was just another cliched porn addicted midlifer, and that his brain was just like any other Pavolov's dog, he actually found it hard to take. It was like he he believed that somehow he was different from all the other sad sacks on porn, and that he was above having his brain trained like a lab rat's. Like he believed he was "special" because that's exactly what that stupid family thought they all were. When I look back and remember how I wasn't "good enough" I can't fucking believe they had a nerve to think of me as less than they were. I'm 100x better because at least I'm honest and straight with people.

Time moves on. Peoples' lives change. Even the parents-in-law change as they age and have to face the challenges in their later stages of life. Being accepted becomes less of an issue because we all have to deal with what is, not what might have been. It doesn't stay that way forever. You have my sympathies though. This awkward stage can go on for quite a few years if you're unlucky but you both have the option of how much contact you actually want to have with your in-laws. Remember you're both still working on building an independent life, and it often lasts well into adulthood and many couple face this so you are not alone. X

 

[AnonymousAnnaXO]

Thanks Emerald. It's true we do have the choice of how much time we spend with them. I LOVE having Sunday brunch with his dad. His dad is respectable, understanding, intelligent, and accepting. We don't always see him every weekend but we do love spending time with him. My partner's mother lives 4 streets down from us (luckily in 2 months we are moving to a new apartment!) and she actually never sees us... My partner asks to spend time with her, but she NEVER makes time for him. It really hurts him, and I know that he has to work out things with his mother and figure out what relationship they are going to have. The thing is he is on his mom's phone plan, and I told him it might be wise to switch to his dads and see if his mom really wants a relationship with him or just the money. She always contacts him when the bill comes up. Rarely ever texts him to just see how he is doing.

The other issue is that his mom used to be a coke addict and also struggled with alcohol. So I don't think she has done coke in years, but her drinking is ...questionable at times. So I think she still might live in the addict mentality of selfishness, denial, and avoidance. I think she also blames losing her family on the divorce. She even said to my partner that if she had stayed in a miserable marriage maybe her kids wouldn't hate her. My partner thought she was looking for sympathy. The thing is, we got the story of what happened from the dad, who in my eyes I think still loves her deep down and honestly is saddened that they divorced. He begged for her to change her habits of drinking staying out late and not being present for him or their 3 kids. In the end, she couldn't "budge an inch" as he said. I've seen her behavior and now understand what my partner's dad was talking about. I just think that his mom can be unhealthy for him at times. It keeps him in this role of the abandoned child searching for love and constantly being let down. I know it's for him to figure out on his own time, but it kills me to see him, week after week, get let down.

It's true we are in our 20's and are declaring our independence from out parents during these years, and I also think his mom doesn't want to let him go. She is reliant on him for a lot of emotional support instead of being reliant on her boyfriend (or domestic partner since they aren't married). I just overall think the relationship she has with him is unhealthy in many ways, and that it needs to be addressed. My partner struggles to set boundaries with her. He lets her walk all over him, and it kills me to see that. Lately, he has, of course, stood up to her, but she has been treating him like crap for standing up for himself.

 

 

[AnonymousAnnaXO]

So we saw his mom tonight because he owed her phone bill money. She wouldn't look at me, talk to me or acknowledge I was there when I tried talking and joining the conversation. It was so hurtful. How can one act so petty?

 

[malando]

So we saw his mom tonight because he owed her phone bill money. She wouldn't look at me, talk to me or acknowledge I was there when I tried talking and joining the conversation. It was so hurtful. How can one act so petty?

I honestly wouldn't have blamed you if you stood up and said, "ok, we're off now, give us a call when you're ready to make some effort. The phone plan will be cut off from next month, so you'll want to port your number to your new service before you lose your number. Toodaloo!"

Easier said than done, I know, but doesn't it sound tempting?

 

[AnonymousAnnaXO]

Yeah, I know. She still didn't take him off of her phone line. She is the account holder and has to accept the request to leave. She said she was going to do it last night...

Then I'll have to see her later today. I told Cody that if she does that again I am going to be hurt, and he said if she does that he is going to talk to her this time because last night we just wanted to rush and get out and not talk to her. I hope she acknowledges me... The only time she acknowledged me last night was when she was trying to make sure that Cody dressed up and told me to make sure he dresses up.

 

[AnonymousAnnaXO]

So last night went well overall. His mom had to acknowledge me because her bf( who told her that she should be nice to me because I've done nothing wrong) was there, and my partners dad (her ex-husband) was there so she put on a nice face and talked to me and was friendly because her bf was watching her behavior. Also I was in the family picture! That meant a lot to me. I hope things are going to turn around.