So far, so good, so what?

H

harpoon

Respected Member
There is always light at the end of a tunnel.

The withdrawals kicked in the last few days and this morning I felt awful. Eventually I made myself eat some food and reluctantly I went for a run.

A couple of minutes into my run I knew why I was running, it felt great and my mood lifted for the rest of the day.

At home I played guitar, did some press-ups, a two-minute plank and a few dumbell curls. I  also managed to make a girl smile at a mcD's drive thru ?

Not big things, just small things.





 
Mikel

Mikel

Active Member
It's the small things that matter buddy. Those little things can make our day, I was speaking to my sponsor yesterday how getting a little smile off someone can really boost my day and feel good about myself, also making someone else's day more enjoyable as well.

Exercise is always great for us. Definitely. Especially if you don't feel like doing anything and you knock something out. I see you're a fellow park runner as well. I do that most Saturday's which really sets up my day.
 
F

Firstbigstep

Active Member
Park runs are great - a weekly head space check for me.

Hard mode is tough but for me it's been the only way to go..

Good luck!

Sorry this is so brief - just in a 5 min break in my work schedule!
 
H

harpoon

Respected Member
Mikel said:
It's the small things that matter buddy. Those little things can make our day, I was speaking to my sponsor yesterday how getting a little smile off someone can really boost my day and feel good about myself, also making someone else's day more enjoyable as well.

Exercise is always great for us. Definitely. Especially if you don't feel like doing anything and you knock something out. I see you're a fellow park runner as well. I do that most Saturday's which really sets up my day.
Click to expand...


Thanks Mikel
 
H

harpoon

Respected Member
It's 100% the little things. I achieved 50 parkruns a few weeks ago and received my free park run tee this week. I had to take it for a test run! It felt great.



 
H

harpoon

Respected Member
Firstbigstep said:
Park runs are great - a weekly head space check for me.

Hard mode is tough but for me it's been the only way to go..

Good luck!

Sorry this is so brief - just in a 5 min break in my work schedule!
Click to expand...

Thanks Firstbigstep
 
H

harpoon

Respected Member
I never thought I would complete one parkrun! It's amazing really. The numbers rack up pretty quick!
 
H

harpoon

Respected Member
Tbh after my run last night I was buzzing, my brain felt energised and I didn't sleep a wink.

I had a day that I just want to forget.



 
R

retrorock

Member
Hi Harpoon,

I am a new member here but have read over your story and can really relate to it, especially the bit about you crying randomly. That happened to me the other day in a shopping centre. I just felt overcome with emotion. Luckily I had sunglasses on.

This shit is a real rollercoaster. Thanks for sharing your story man.

 
H

harpoon

Respected Member
Thanks Retrorock,  i'm having a bad couple of days here and your comments have lifted my spirits
 
F

Firstbigstep

Active Member
I too have found myself balling my eyes out in awkward places. I work as a live event technician,  so it's difficult to hide the fact that you're running a sound desk with tears streaming down your face.

Still, I've just styled it out and said that I have some personal issues that have been a bit challenging : having left my wife and child and heard that my father has prostate cancer, the last 6 months haven't been easy.

The emotional volatility does ease, in my experience. I'm a lot more stable 3 1/2 months in.

Good luck - the support here helps no end.
 
H

harpoon

Respected Member
If i'm honest for a minute, this is how I feel right now:

I know i'm flatlining. My penis is dead and I feel nothing about nothing.

In a crowd I feel like an alien, I feel awkward, my personality is gone and I seem to just go through the process of life rather than actually live life.

I seem to follow myself around with internal commentary aimed at making my life hell.

I feel stupid and i've become clumsy.

I want to scream and cry and maybe even breakdown sobbing just because I don't know what else to do.

This isn't me.

This isn't a whinge this is reality. It's horrible. I'm sure I will feel better later (I always do) but right now this is it. I make no excuses. This is my only outlet to vent which i need right now.

Harpoon ~?

 
H

harpoon

Respected Member
Offloading my thoughts earlier cleared my head and I felt better for that later.

I've never went hardmode for 20-days and the mood swings have been extreme at times.

This evening I felt a familiar ache behind my forehead. The frontal lobe area. This is a good sign.


 
H

harpoon

Respected Member
  The desire to view porn is very minimal atm, and if I have a thought it can be of something way more manilla compared to the stuff I was watching before.

  As I go through recovery I remember being here before. How could I forget this?! but it's also nice to remember these little feel good milestones (the ache behind the forehead, and cravings for porn subsiding.)

I suppose the most significant change is that I can now chose to dismiss sexual thoughts and images, which is half the battle imho.

 
H

harpoon

Respected Member
So I was on fb earlier, and photo of a very attractive girl pops up, for a split second I could feel the rush, and was almost drawn into an all too familiar world. Fortunately I decided that this wasn't what I wanted, and I scrolled up. All within a heartbeat.

Like HE-MAN says: I have the power. You really do.
 
F

Firstbigstep

Active Member
Hi Harpoon.

I've felt those rushes myself, many times. It's like losing my footing on black ice sometimes. Or falling down a well.

But it's really opening the door to all the crap I used to pollute my life with. So, when it happens, I mentally open the door for just long enough to sling the image in then slam the door closed again.

It is now, at last, getting to the point where I'm not even getting the rushing feeling. I don't think that this is the mystical flatline, I think it's just my brain readjusting its responses to stimuli.
 
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