Understanding Why Porn Addiction is a Brain Disease

[AnonymousAnnaXO]

Found this article and found it to be an interesting read. As someone interested in psychology and neuroscience I enjoyed learning more about the aspects of the brain and the mind. I've had classes where we learned about the brain and neurotransmitters, but I think this author really has a good way of explaining it so most people can easily understand it. I really liked the part where it talks about how most addicts get addicted as kids when their cognitive abilities aren't yet strong, and hence the reason why most addicts get addicted around 9-12 years old.

http://www.selfgrowth.com/articles/understanding_why_pornography_addiction_is_a_brain_disease

Any thoughts on the article?

 

[AnonymousAnnaXO]

Yeah, I thought it was an interesting article. I know that is one of my biggest fears when having kids is their exposure to porn.

 

[malando]

Yeah, I thought it was an interesting article. I know that is one of my biggest fears when having kids is their exposure to porn.

My daughter is only 2 and I'm very concerned at what sort of influences she might be subjected to - whether it's directly seeing it, or how she might be treated by boys as a result of it. How the heck do I keep her safe without locking her up?! Yes, I know, you have to talk to them openly and keep the dialog going, warn them of dangers and trust them to make wise decisions, etc. But seriously, it's very scary!

 

[AnonymousAnnaXO]

I personally want to have sons because I am too terrified to raise a daughter in this society. I want to raise sons because then I can raise them to be respectful, warn them of the dangers, and make them true gentlemen. If I have a daughter, I feel like even if I raised her with good morals and respect, she would still be subjected to being disrespected and devalued. Honestly, I don't know how parents raise children these days with how pornified the culture has become and how much disrespect goes on. As much as I look forward to being a parent, I am also terrified to the point of paralyzation because of the society we live in.

 

[stillme]

I have children of both genders and they are all tweens/pre-teenagers now. It is absolutely scary and frustrating to have kids at this time. One of my children already encountered porn. He was looking at videos on YouTube and his innocent searching for Minecraft videos for kids led him directly to porn. What is worse, sick people actually make videos to lure kids. They say they are cartoons for kids or videos talking about kid friendly topics - then all of a sudden sick fetish porn will pop up.

It was not a fun thing to have to deal with, especially when it was relatively early in my husband's own recovery.

My daughter is nine and shopping for clothing for her is a pain in the ass. I have to spend and arm and a leg for swimsuits that don't make her look like a swimsuit model for Victoria Secret. What passes for "kids clothing" is horrific. I started buying her boys clothing for a while. Why did they have cargo and other loose fitting jeans for boys, but all the jeans for girls were tight, hip hugging, trying to emphasize body parts that weren't even there yet.

As my boys hit puberty we are trying to talk to them about the balance of being attracted to girls without objectifying them as well as being able to walk away from 'friends' they say horrible things about girls or talk about them as if they are objects.

I will admit, it is HARD being a parent right now.

 

[Hanai]

It's not just porn but technology in general. I see 5/6 year old kids with smartphones and other devices all the time. People have allowed connection technology to become widespread and have given it to their kids before there was a chance to properly study its effects.

I would recommend to anyone becoming a parent, if possible, to keep the kids away from screens until at least 13. At this point they should be educated about the potential effects of porn and internet technology on the brain. In the case of boys and porn, this puts them to the point where they're already conditioned towards real girls and not pixels. If they end up seeking out porn despite what they've been told they'll have at least reached a point where they're not as neurologically vulnerable. There still appears to be a sizable minority of college-aged men who don't watch porn (20+%), presumably because they already had pre-existing conditioning* before they were exposed and thus didn't find it appealing.

*"Conditioning" can include any real-life experience of being around the opposite sex at any age where attraction is present, not just explicit sexual experience.

 

[uglyducklingagain]

My husband is borderline bipolar with ADHD. There are many symptoms that come with these disorders. Hypersexuality is one of them. I suppose I don't think of porn addiction as a disease, but more of an emotional crutch used to deal with feelings of inadequacy or stress or as a means of escape.

 

[stillme]

It's not just porn but technology in general. I see 5/6 year old kids with smartphones and other devices all the time. People have allowed connection technology to become widespread and have given it to their kids before there was a chance to properly study its effects.

I would recommend to anyone becoming a parent, if possible, to keep the kids away from screens until at least 13. At this point they should be educated about the potential effects of porn and internet technology on the brain. In the case of boys and porn, this puts them to the point where they're already conditioned towards real girls and not pixels. If they end up seeking out porn despite what they've been told they'll have at least reached a point where they're not as neurologically vulnerable. There still appears to be a sizable minority of college-aged men who don't watch porn (20+%), presumably because they already had pre-existing conditioning* before they were exposed and thus didn't find it appealing.

*"Conditioning" can include any real-life experience of being around the opposite sex at any age where attraction is present, not just explicit sexual experience.

It is impossible to keep kids off screens, at least in the United States. In my area, the schools require all students to have a school issued laptop. They do not have physical textbooks, only online textbooks. This is from elementary through high school.

 

[AnonymousAnnaXO]

Stillme, I didn't even think about how fashion has changed for young girls! I know I used to wear guys clothes when I was in 1-3rd grade because I didn't like how tight things felt. I don't even want to know how it's changed today.

It's true that technology overall has a negative impact on a kids psyche. A couple weeks ago I was on the train and a mom's 2-year-old son asked for his iPad. Apparently the 2 year old had his own ipad. Now that was SCARY. Kids really shouldn't be exposed to that kind of technology until about 13, it's true. I've had this talk with my partner, and said that the only technology my kids would have is an old fashioned pay flip phone with no internet. Literally, a cell phone to call, that's it, until they are in high school. I can't imagine how tough it is to be a parent in this day and age with all the technological advances happening so fast. It's almost impossible to keep up, and I am 23 and I hate the constant changing technologies. 

 

[AnonymousAnnaXO]

Wait, seriously? There are no more textbooks??? That is crazy! I am also in the USA and my high school gave me a laptop, but we still had textbooks. But elementary school?? That's too young.

 

[NewBeginning]

My husband is borderline bipolar with ADHD. There are many symptoms that come with these disorders. Hypersexuality is one of them. I suppose I don't think of porn addiction as a disease, but more of an emotional crutch used to deal with feelings of inadequacy or stress or as a means of escape.

I agree with you and with the article. I am recovering from porn addiction. I have been clean for a little over 3 months. I'm 36 and had been using since my early teens. I don't really know for sure why I started. Possibly a cross between teenage boy hormones and escape from stress in my household growing up. But once porn gets its hooks in you, it is extremely difficult to stop. I had tried many times over the years to quit using, but could only stop for a week or two at the most.

I stopped using about 3 months ago. I don't know what was different that I was able to stop. I think it was a perfect storm or divine intervention. At that point, 3 months ago, I hadn't used for a week or so, my wife seemed to be very distant from me and was having a mental breakdown, my grandmother who is very religious, very strong in her Catholic faith, got sick and had to go to the hospital, I seemed to be having a religious awakening of my own, and I just HAD ENOUGH! Something had to give! So I started to hate porn and what it had done to me and how much time I had wasted  on it. I have been going to church ever since and filling my mind and my life with positive things.

Over the next several weeks I discovered that my wife was watching porn and got into 50 Shades of Grey type websites and was talking with other men online about that stuff. That only made me hate porn more. Recently, after months of closing herself off from me and everything else in her life, my wife is finally opening up a little and talking about how she is very depressed and is constantly trying to distract herself. I already knew this, but every time I tried to talk with her about it, she would explode. It was only after I exercised patience, backed off and let her make her own mistakes that she opened up. I am hopeful that finally admitting to herself that she has a problem is a step in the right direction.

uglyducklingagain, I'm sorry you and your husband are facing those disorders. I have read a lot about the hypersexuality thing. I don't know if my wife has that symptom since she has never been diagnosed, but I strongly believe she is suffering from some type of major clinical depression. I am gently trying to get her to seek help. It could be something medical or hormonal since she does have extreme food allergies and has been diagnosed with PCOS, both of which do affect her mood and behavior.

 

[Loleekins]

Wait, seriously? There are no more textbooks??? That is crazy! I am also in the USA and my high school gave me a laptop, but we still had textbooks. But elementary school?? That's too young.

It's one of the reasons why I'm home schooling my last kidlet. The education system these days is deplorable.

 

[aquarius25]

NewBeginning, I tried to message you some info on PCOS (I have it too and have some experience with it) anyway I guess I am blocked form messaging you. I am sorry if I have offended you but if your interest in connecting about it feel free to PM me.

 

[NewBeginning]

NewBeginning, I tried to message you some info on PCOS (I have it too and have some experience with it) anyway I guess I am blocked form messaging you. I am sorry if I have offended you but if your interest in connecting about it feel free to PM me.

Haha! No you never offended me. I guess I had my PM settings set to block everyone. I changed it now.

 

[Emerald Blue]

NewBeginning, welcome to the partner's section and thanks for sharing your story. I'm sort to learn about your wife's situation regarding the 50 Shades stuff. The online chat with other men is quite worrisome. She can always post here, as she IS the partner of a recovering PA and living with someone with a longstanding porn habit is a very lonely place to exist so she may well have sought solace in the "wrong" thing.

The 50 Shades of Grey phenomenon gets brought up here over and over by men who use it as a sort of 'porn for women' but I have actually read the trilogy and I can honestly say that they are the most ridiculous, badly written books I have ever read in my adult life. The sex scenes didn't do anything for me, I thought they were even less interesting that the so-called romance story to the extent that I ended up just skipping over those bits "oh here we go again... yawn..." I'm glad that I did read it though because at least when some guy starts up with "what about all those women reading 50 Shades of Gray?" I can say with authority that it's not porn and it's nothing like porn. It's just a series of a badly written and totally unrealistic romance novels with a few boring formulaic sex scenes. But I digress.

It may well be your wife has become interested in what might have previously been 'taboo'. Its probably more likely that her online chats with men were more to do with making emotional connections that may have been missing in your relationship ? possibly as a result of your own porn habit creating a disconnect which would only be further compounded by her seeking excitement online to find some connection.

The bottom line is, you both need to find some steady ground where you both recommit to repairing your relationship. You both need to agree on your aims and where you want to be. You also have to both state what is and isn't acceptable behavior in your relationship. I assume your wife is aware of your relationship with porn and that you were addicted to it over the long term. She needs to be upfront about her own use of porn as she too might have developed an over-dependence.

As you reconnect sexually, there is no reason why you cannot be more sexually adventurous but I suggest that you don't do this until all the porn crap is out of your mind and that neither of you is acting out a porn script or imitating what you watched onscreen. It's important that your fantasies come from you and not prescribed by the porn industry. So by all means you can dress up, play, try new things, IF it's what BOTH of you want. But this can be difficult. Even things I used to enjoy with my husband before his porn habit became sort of tainted, for a while anyway. Even now I have a few moments of not feeling it's ME he's with. But we have to keep going and working at it. It's too easy to lose momentum in recovery especially as sex can be so emotionally charged.

Your wife is welcome here, as you are. Porn addiction in a relationship can be very difficult and recovery isn't straightforward for most couples.

 

[Robert1]

NewBeginning, welcome to the partner's section and thanks for sharing your story. I'm sort to learn about your wife's situation regarding the 50 Shades stuff. The online chat with other men is quite worrisome. She can always post here, as she IS the partner of a recovering PA and living with someone with a longstanding porn habit is a very lonely place to exist so she may well have sought solace in the "wrong" thing.

The 50 Shades of Grey phenomenon gets brought up here over and over by men who use it as a sort of 'porn for women' but I have actually read the trilogy and I can honestly say that they are the most ridiculous, badly written books I have ever read in my adult life. The sex scenes didn't do anything for me, I thought they were even less interesting that the so-called romance story to the extent that I ended up just skipping over those bits "oh here we go again... yawn..." I'm glad that I did read it though because at least when some guy starts up with "what about all those women reading 50 Shades of Gray?" I can say with authority that it's not porn and it's nothing like porn. It's just a series of a badly written and totally unrealistic romance novels with a few boring formulaic sex scenes. But I digress.

It may well be your wife has become interested in what might have previously been 'taboo'. Its probably more likely that her online chats with men were more to do with making emotional connections that may have been missing in your relationship ? possibly as a result of your own porn habit creating a disconnect which would only be further compounded by her seeking excitement online to find some connection.

The bottom line is, you both need to find some steady ground where you both recommit to repairing your relationship. You both need to agree on your aims and where you want to be. You also have to both state what is and isn't acceptable behavior in your relationship. I assume your wife is aware of your relationship with porn and that you were addicted to it over the long term. She needs to be upfront about her own use of porn as she too might have developed an over-dependence.

As you reconnect sexually, there is no reason why you cannot be more sexually adventurous but I suggest that you don't do this until all the porn crap is out of your mind and that neither of you is acting out a porn script or imitating what you watched onscreen. It's important that your fantasies come from you and not prescribed by the porn industry. So by all means you can dress up, play, try new things, IF it's what BOTH of you want. But this can be difficult. Even things I used to enjoy with my husband before his porn habit became sort of tainted, for a while anyway. Even now I have a few moments of not feeling it's ME he's with. But we have to keep going and working at it. It's too easy to lose momentum in recovery especially as sex can be so emotionally charged.

Your wife is welcome here, as you are. Porn addiction in a relationship can be very difficult and recovery isn't straightforward for most couples.

Unfortunately there are many women who are infatuated with 50 shades, and it is very much to women what porn is for men.
Good to hear that you are rising above it, but that doesn't mean it isn't a valid comparison, and a potential problem. In this case it sounds like op is actually further ahead in his own recovery and his partner might be better off posting in the porn addiction section. Porn can come in many shapes and sizes and it's important to not downplay the fact that women can face porn addiction as well. We want to be as welcoming as possible

 

[NewBeginning]

Hi Emerald Blue, I have actually been posting here for a while. I kind of told my story in another thread in this forum. I think you might have commented on it before.

Anyway, thanks once again for your advice. I've never read or seen 50 Shades of Grey, so I can't criticize it too much, but I know what it's about. I'm not judging any woman who is into that stuff, but to me it seems like a gateway drug. If my wife came to me and said that she was interested in trying different things with me within a loving and respectful context, I would be willing to give it a try. But in her case she started viewing MUCH more explicit hardcore stuff along the lines of 50 Shades. The thing is she doesn't know that I know. I saw it in the browsing history on the computer. I have since stopped snooping on her. I don't want to know. I feel that I can't judge her when not too long ago I was looking at stuff that was just as bad if not worse.

Trying to change someone else's behavior isn't easy to do. If she had ever caught me and confronted me about my porn use, I might have told her what she wanted to hear, but I doubt I would have stopped. I've always loved my life, but I don't know if I would have had the will to stop. I finally stopped using porn because I wanted to change. Not because I was shamed into it or because someone gave me an ultimatum. Maybe the right thing to do would be to sit her down and let her know how it makes me feel and that I don't think that pornography is beneficial to our marriage. I just don't feel that I'm in a place to have that conversation right now. The fact that she is dealing with severe depression isn't helping things either. I mean it's not all bad. We have our good days too. I just never know when her depression is going to set in and take over our lives.

 

[Emerald Blue]

NewBeginning, living with depression must be very difficult for your wife, and for you as her partner. I expect she is receiving some kind of professional help. It will certainly complicate your situation as her behavior may well be a symptom or coping strategy relating to her depression. Undoubtedly it would affect your couple relationship even if porn wasn't an issue. There are certainly different layers of complication going on here. There's your porn addiction, there's your wife's depression and there's her own cybersex activities. I don't think these issues will be overcome without taking a holistic approach to your couple relationship. I don't think it's possible to do emergency patch up repairs in response to the more immediate problems. I suspect a piecemeal approach won't help in the long term.

50 Shades, what can I say, lol? It did nothing for me but I suppose I have always felt comfortable with my sexuality and I never felt as if I was missing out on anything because, well, I've done everything I have ever felt the need to explore. Sex is sex, lol. The rest is theatre and context and I can't take that stuff seriously. So 50 Shades was just ridiculous to me. Laughable in fact. But that's not to say that it piques the interest of some women and men. To say it's "porn for women" is just dumb. It's just a trashy novel, and a pretty bad one at that. The sex scenes were just boring to me. My husband knew I was reading it. I told him upfront. I'd tell him about all the books I read anyway. I read constantly but mostly thrillers and mysteries. Very rarely do I read romance. I always tell him about what I'm reading and 50 Shades was no exception. There was no danger of it ever becoming a gateway drug for me, lol.

How you choose to deal with your wife's cybersex and 50 Shades-inspired interests is your decision. You can choose not to make an issue of it and accept that it may continue and progress. The 'do nothing' option IS an option but if you choose to 'do nothing' it has to be an informed decision.

Your situation is complicated. You don't need to act with any great urgency. It's far better to prepare yourself to heal your relationship and accept that it takes time and a lot of work. Confronting porn/cybersex addiction is not for the faint/hearted. You can only do what you feel is best for where you are now.

 

[stillme]

NewBeginnings - if your wife's porn use is escalating, she may be going into addiction. A marriage should have open and honest communication. If it doesn't, how much of a marriage is there?
The concept that you did it, so she gets to do it, is kind of a tough relationship to be in. My 'reward' for staying with my husband isn't that I can go and get myself addicted to porn as well.
Let me be the first to say, closing your eyes to the situation is the worst possible solution. I think all partners here can tell you that is a choice that leads to everyone involved being extremely unhappy.
If the marriage cannot take open communication, even about tough things, then it doesn't have the strongest foundation. That might be okay, but just know what you are getting and what you are setting yourself up for.

Not all porn addicts stay at porn. My husband quickly escalated to web cams, doing cam-to-cam, and eventually finding his way to a 'massage parlor'. When I confronted him, he had started looking at hook up sites. He never went through with it other than looking, but the fact that his mind went there was horrifying. I am not trying to scare you, just letting you know that porn addiction is on the spectrum on sex addiction. If your wife is escalating quickly, think about if you want that type of relationship.

If nothing else, at least talk about things openly and honestly and see where you both want to go in terms of porn use in the home. 

 

[aquarius25]

I have to say that I do see 50 Shades as porn too. I believe in moderation in all things. I saw my sister get obsessed with twilight, she would watch the movies over and over! Fantasizing about being with a vampire. Then 50 Shades came along and its the same thing. For her it was porn. I think addiction is different for each person. Me I have a total addiction to carbs!!! I know it, I admit it, I work out so I can justify it but I have been slowly pulling away and dealing with it finally and I know I will be healthier for it too. The difference and I think it is an important one is that my carb addiction isn't having a huge impact on the world around me. I am still in great shape so its not impairing me from playing with my kids or anything. Its a problem because I like it too much and not in moderation but other than that it doesn't effect my life much. 50 shades and twilight and those things that cause an unhealthy amount of fantasy in others, its different. Some can watch it and be fine. For my sister, she pulled away from her husband. She is divorced now. Instead of dealing with the unhappiness in her life she retreated to this lustful fantasy world. That is not healthy, that is not moderation. This of course is just my personal opinion, you can agree or disagree. And I will keep working on my carb issue, lol.

As far as technology for kids. We  call it screen time at our house. That is anything with a screen. Our kids aren't allowed any screen time except on the weekends and they each get 4 hrs that they can choose how to use from Friday night-Sunday night. We really celebrate books at our house. In fact we plan family vacations with book stores as part of the destination. As a result our 7 & 9 year olds love to read. They have a longer attention span, they can sit for hours and focus on something. I think reading actual book is so much more rewarding for their imagination too. But again, this is just something that work for our family. Not every family is the same and what works for one doesn't always work for another.