Married while rebooting

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Whynot

Active Member
  I am 43 years old, I am married for the past 11 years and have been struggling with porn for probably 35 years.  I haven't used porn in a few weeks, but now that I have been reading this website I have understood that by me going on YouTube and Facebook and kind of trying to see women is just as bad.  I quit in July 2016 and during that time I would perv on Facebook and YouTube etc. and then finally relapse in December 2016.  From then until now I would continue doing this perving on YouTube etc.  Now from what I've read here I realize that I need to rewire my brain and quit it all and all, no YouTube/Facebook perving.

I have had an affair on my wife and was caught, I am really lucky that she is staying with me and working it out.  I believe that the affair occurred partially because of porn. What I am unsure of is how to do this reboot while I am married, obviously I am sexually attracted to my wife, what do I do not give her any sexual attention at all during the 90 days?
How do I deal with the sexual temptation of touching my wife, even though we are not having any sex, she is not ready due to the affair 


 
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MioSr

Member
Hey Whynot, it's about avoiding aritificial stimuli (pictures, erotica, etc.). Real sex with your real wife is very much encouraged and the point of it all.

Good luck!
 
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Whynot

Active Member
Thank you.  But my wife does not want to have sex at the moment because I had an affair on her.  I continue to give her back rubs and I get aroused by it obviously, but I'm just not sure if that is making my reboot harder or not
 
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MioSr

Member
I apologize. I missed that... Yes I can imagine that's really hard. On a bunch of levels. Are you two seeing a therapist? This sounds like an area best guided by someone who can work with you two. I guess so much of it (speaking only from my on going experience) is learning how to tolerate the feelings. If the backrubs, etc. are building trust and intimacy, it's probably worth the anxiety of being aroused. If it feels like it's just too much, maybe try to back off from actions that are as physical? Good on you for pushing through this uncomfortable land. I know it's not easy. Blessings to you, man.
 
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Whynot

Active Member
Thanks. Yes we are seeing a therapist, that's how I got here lol. Sometimes when I am giving her back rubs I am hoping to get a little more from it even tho I know she's not ready for it, then I have to deal with the rejection on top of all the other problems. It's a tough situation I got myself into.
 
Gracie

Gracie

Moderator
Staff member
Moderator
Hey, as a wife, thought I would pop in here.  Your wife may not actually be rejecting you.  She may be trying hard to make sense of it in her brain.  You are married, you have used porn and masturbated while looking at naked women and had a physical affair with a woman.  That is a lot for her to deal with.  She may need some time. 

I know it took me awhile and my husband only used porn.  You could ask her what would make her feel able to trust you again.  Keep up the therapy.


Gracie
 
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Whynot

Active Member
Thanks I know it's not rejection but sure feels like it. It's going on 3 yrs since the affair, we have been having therapy since, it just seems like sometimes it will never get better.
 
workinprogressUK

workinprogressUK

Well-Known Member
Wow. Three years of therapy since your affair, and your wife is not ready for intimacy yet. Maybe a change of therapist? IS there some underlying issue not yet uncovered?
I hope that it is fixable for you, because that must be a really tough situation for both of you.
 
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Whynot

Active Member
This therapist that we are using is very good, she is the one who told me about porn being an issue and actually guided me to this site.  I don't believe there are any other underlining issues, my wife is just really hurt and broken after what I did, I was her night in shining armour and I fucked up big time.
 
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Whynot

Active Member
We are making tons of progress, we're just not  intimate yet. I mean at first she wouldn't even get undressed in front of me, but now I mean we take baths together, but still no sex. I'm sure it'll come when she's ready
 
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Whynot

Active Member
Day 17.
I seem to be handling my porn addiction fine.  I have had a few brain fog, and I have also flatlined once or twice so far.    I have not experienced any of the withdrawals that people talk about, can anybody let me know what they are like so I am prepared for them?  I started meditating yesterday, using Headspace, something new and different for me but I like it.  I have been very busy over the past few days with family life so I think that keeps my mind off the porn.  And I just decided to check in today 
 
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Objectified1

Active Member
You may not experience withdrawal like other guys. I think my husband had trouble getting past the fantasies and oogling women because he had made it such a habit but he never really ha withdrawal from porn and he had bad PIED. Your right your wife needs time and as much time as she needs give her. Eventually she does need to try and go back to physical intimacy though. I understand where she's at, it's a year and a half in for me and my hubby however we never ever did stop with the physical intimacy.  Good luck to you. Keep trying, things will improve. 
 
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Whynot

Active Member
Thanks for the encouragement. He has been rebooting for a year and a half or you two haven't been intimate for a year and a half?    For us it's going on 3 years without any sex 
 
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Objectified1

Active Member
He has been rebooting for a year and a half and we never did go without having sex at all. I don't know why, everyone reacts differently and I certainly felt extremely hurt and angry, but I would always be intimate with him anyway. I wanted to have sex and there was no one I could have sex with. I think that 3 years is a very long time to go without getting past it at least enough to be intimate once and a while. With that being said, it depends on the circumstances. Are you doing the work to win her  heart back? They say, and I totally agree, it does no good to stop "acting out" or looking at porn and etc . There needs to be much more then that. Go back to when it was new. How did you treat her? Did you do little things to show her you cared? Did you go out of your way to make her happy? Would you drive to the store and back in the middle of a snowstorm because she mentioned she was craving a certain kind of chips, just to make her happy?? I'm, of course, shooting in the dark here because I have no idea what you do or don't do now. All the best to you. Your a good man for putting her first.
 
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Whynot

Active Member
I know I did something very bad to her and I hope she will forgive me. I do all the little things and more now, she tells me all the time that I am more involved now then ever and it's nice to hear and know, but in the meantime I need to be sexually active with her, but then again maybe I shouldn't cuz I'm doing this reboot. I'm at day 38 now and I will wait to be intimate with her until after the 90 days is over. She knows about the 90 day reboot and I told her that I don't want to try anything sexual until the 90 days is up, but I know she don't want it anyways as she is insecure now cuz of the affair I had. I rub her and touch her all the time, I touch her breasts sometimes and she won't let me do more then that, even tho I tell her I want to wait for my 90 days I still want to be deep inside of her. I'm in a tough spot, I want to have sex and make love to her, and then I don't cuz of the reboot, just don't know what to do and really frustrated. I guess I just keep on hanging in there
 
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Whynot

Active Member
I am back. I went just over 200 days of porn free and relapsed mid October, now my day count is at  Day 31.  This past month has been tough, really taking it hard on myself beating myself up over relapsing, but I need to leave  that behind me and continue on.
 
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