DAY 1

[camus]

I feel that my addiction to porn is the biggest challenge I have in my life at the moment. When I used last it struck me that I am now at a fork in the road. I either use porn for the rest of my life or I never use porn again. There is no middle way. If I look or use, it always ends the same way. That much is guaranteed.

I couldn't sleep last night. I kept thinking 'what if I am still hopelessly addicted next year this time? Five years from now etc?' The thought terrifies me because I only have a finite amount of time as we all do. And I am spending it in the relapse cycle, when I could be doing far more rewarding things.

Every time I look at or use porn, it begins a chain reaction which I can't control. It lasts for weeks and then I manage to get a grip and remain abstinent. Then I fall into the trap again.

Today I will begin my journey to a new life. My challenge is that I have to cross a rickety bridge that is 90 days long. The bridge has dangerous places where I could easily fall. The are parts of the bridge where I may think I am safe, only to get attacked by a flying beast that seems to comes out of nowhere.

But if I manage to cross this bridge, my life will fundamentally change. My brain will be fundamentally different, and I will be finally free from porn. This will be one of the best days of my entire life because I can imagine how good I will feel about myself.

DAY ONE. NOT ONE DAY.

 

[Firstbigstep]

You've said it all in that one post.

It almost certainly IS the biggest challenge you'f ever face. And the choice is a stark one... carry on using and feel like you did or stop and live a free life.

The problem, as you well know, is that the decision is simple but not easy.

If you want someone to bounce ideas/thoughts/worries off, drop me a PM - I could do with the same at times, as the first 90 days were easy for me compared with the subsequent 40 or so. Sadly, I think we build up our expectations for the 90 day watershed, then get there and find that there's still a truckload of work we need to do!

90 days will make you feel good, no doubt. You then have to hunker down and start again - it is a long process, but one you can manage.

Support here for you.

 

[lyon03]

Loved these posts friends. One day at a time Camus. We only have to commit to being porn-free today, not for a lifetime. I did it one day at a time and here I am now 800+ days later. The commitment, effort, and energy it takes to make it one day porn-free are the same at a year or even two years. You've made a great start my friend. PORN IS NOT AN OPTION.

 

[camus]

Hi guys, very much appreciate your responses.

In a way, I have come to look at this addiction as a test in a spiritual (non religious) sense. My higher self does not want to use. It is only my brain that wishes to use. This is the battle as I see it and the challenge is to begin taking more notice of my quiet inner voice (instincts) rather than my loud, raging, aninal brain.

This may seem crazy to some, but it helps me anyway

Regarding the one day at a time philosophy, I totally undestand where you're coming from Lyon and it has worked for me with other addictions. Where I think it fails however, is that it leaves a door open in my mind. A door that I don't ever want to walk through again.

DAY ONE. NOT ONE DAY.

 

[TK-421]

I really do understand your struggle because I have been exactly where you are, really feeling that beating the porn addiction was the most important thing in my life. I still feel that way. If I let myself descend back into the PMO Madhouse, nothing else in my life will make much sense.

Taking things one day at a time is important, but remember that the day count is not really goal. The goal is to change behaviours and thoughts. If we do that, the days will add up as markers of our success. The key really is to learn to control your thoughts and often this is a process. It's a process of learning what thoughts begin to lead us back down the rabbit hole. It's the justifications, the little permissions about what is ok that start to creep in and eventually lead back to a relapse. It is important to really analyze what is happening in your mind when you slip and find ways to fortify your defences so that it doesn't happen again. Another poster on here told me that I needed to learn to love the feeling of exercising self-control more than the temporary euphoria of a porn-induced dopamine rush. We are humans, and so each and every one of us has the gift of having the ability to control our actions. For all of us, we descended into a world where we rarely or never said no to a trigger or an impulse. With time this leads to a complete erosion of self-control to the point that it really does feel like we are out of control and beyond all hope. The good news is that this isn't true. We are all capable of making the first small steps and making real commitments to ourselves. Things will never be perfect, I have had my share of stumbles and slips, but I really do believe that each and every one of us is capable of implementing real personal change and taking big strides towards being the type of men that we want to be.

Good luck in your own journey.

TK-421

 

[camus]

Very well put TK-421.

I guess we have a 'self control muscle' as it were, that gradually atrophies over years of allowing ourselves to be slaves to this addiction. So the more we exercise our 'self control muscle', the stronger it becomes.

I like that idea and almost look forward to the next wave of temptation to arrive. Which it will at some point

 

[camus]

I am fascinated by the concept of the fork in the road ie we are continually making very small decisions that when compounded over time lead us in very different life directions.

If I had been committed to never using porn again a year ago, I would now be working for myself. This has been my goal for a few years. I am perfectly capable of doing this. The only thing that is stopping me in my addiction to porn.

This is what I need to get into my head. It isn't 'just a few hours of PMOing to reward myself from life's stresses'. It is years of misery and lost opportunities.

 

[fyg]

Hi Camus,

I hear you on lost opportunities. There are lots of opportunities I've missed by not being in a good place - re: chances I've messed up and gone begging with women and potential friends. Lost opportunities and finite time are hitting home for me at the moment too. Man, it stings some.

A friend said to me the other day "The best time to plant a tree was twenty years ago. The second best time is now." I don't disagree.

I hope this helps.

 

[Firstbigstep]

Hi fyg,

I love your tree analogy! That is fantastic.

There is also the Buddhist idea of being shot by the second arrow - there is enough damage done by what is past - there's no point in giving yourself a hard time for it in the present as well.

 

[fyg]

Hey Firstbigstep...

I'm glad you like it so much, I do too! But, the 'second arrow' really resonates with me too - have a knack of beating self up! - so will think of this in the future, thank you!

 

[camus]

Just checking in as haven't done so in a week. I'm in a good space at the moment.

The best form of recovery for me isn't to continually analyse my addiction or why I do it.

I have done this for years and it doesn't work for me. Focus on the problem and you contunie to get the problem!

The best recovery for me is to create a new life. I'm in my mid forties now and I want the remainder of my life to be the best it has ever been.

Wishing you all a porn free day.

 

[Abc]

Good to hear you are doing well. Stay strong !

 

[Firstbigstep]

I too am trying to concentrate more on my new life, rather than focusing on my psdt issues. I still pop in here either when temptation raises its head or to respond where it seems appropriate.

Good luck with the remainder of your reboot and your porn free life.

 

[camus]

Thanks both for your support.

I haven't checked in for a while as I have been pretty busy setting up a business and this is going pretty well so far. I am finding this new focus a great help in fighting this addiction as I very much want it to succeed. And if I am trapped in a porn prison, it just won't work.

However, I haven't been totally free from porn...yet

I've had a couple of slips but nowhere near the extent my use was earlier this year. A key for me in recovering from the slips is to not allow myself to feel negativity around them and to re-focus on my goals for this year and my life.

Failure is indeed a valuable lesson and what I have learnt from my slips is that I lose my ability to concentrate the next day, even after a 'mild' session ie it doesn't take much porn for me to get that 'hungover/foggy' feeling the day after.

I have also learnt to get back on the saddle as quickly as possible and not to dwell too much or get down on myself. I'm addicted to porn and it will take time for me to fully recover. But as long as I am going forward in general, that is good enough for me.

Last night was a real test. I was tired, I was at my laptop, and the obsession to look at some porn was on me. You know that time when your mind becomes fixated on a 'favourite' image or video you've seen. You then start to contemplate just jerking off to that image and leaving it at that. But when you search for 'favourite' image/video, you find it doesn't give you what you thought it would. And then it is too late. The fuse is lit and you spend hours trying to find 'the one'.

A utterly hopless and depressing endeavour!

When I actually analysed what my brain was trying to get me to do, it didn't make any sense. I was tired, and I certainly didn't feel the need to beat the monkey. So I made a rational decision and decided to just go to bed.

Today I feel so happy that I made that decision. Because if I'd used last night, I would be tired today and I wouldn't be able to focus properly on what I WANT to do ie work on my business.

The more I contiunue to make the right choices, the easier it will become. And in a few months from now, porn will no longer have any control over me. As long as I never use it again!

Wishing you all a porn free day

 

[fyg]

Hi Camus... Congrats on swerving that last night and having the energy for your business today! Sounds real good. I know the clicking-descent you talk of... and bravo. You know, I remember you from last year, but can't remember if we chatted?! Anyway, more importantly, here's to "the right choices"!

Cheers.

 

[fr0thing]

This book on Audible was very helpful to me called "Feels Like Redemption - The Pilgrimage to Health and Healing"
It was written by a recovering porn addict and combines meditation, psychology, and Christian/Buddhist philosophy.
Highly recommended:
https://www.amazon.com/Feels-Like-Redemption-Pilgrimage-Healing/dp/0692217355/ref=sr_1_1?ie=UTF8&qid=1493283003&sr=8-1&keywords=feels+like+redemption

 

[guyinsideout]

Camus thanks for your posts! I feel like my thinking is much like yours, your words resonate with what I feel. Today was Day 1 for me. It was tough. I have my own business that has suffered right along with me because of my addiction. I need to do lots of work personally, financially and professionally while overcoming this addiction. I want to find myself on the other side a much stronger person who doesn't need porn to cope with life. I know the road won't be easy, but reading posts like yours gives me hope and motivate me not to beat myself up when there are bumps in the road. I have overcome nicotine and food addictions so I know I can overcome this one. One day at a time, porn free.

 

[camus]

Thanks to all for your responses. They really do help me and I appreciate them greatly.

I've not been on RN for a while and have decided to post today. I have had two bad binges in the last month. I was thinking today what the pay off is for me when I use porn. I obviously get something from it and I now know what it is.

Both binges were the result of runnning away from an emptiness/loneliness which keeps recurring. It often happens when I start comparing myself with other people. I wasted my 20s and early 30s in alcohol and drugs. Although I have been sober from those substances for 10 years, I'm very much paying off my debt for indulgent and self centred living in terms of job status and relationship status etc

I'm now in my mid 40s, unmarried and have no children. Consciously I accept this. I am where I am due to my actions. But I'd be lying if I were to say it doesn't bother me. It does, and in moments of weakness I get a feeling of worthlessness which I can 'fix' with porn.

The crazy thing is, I am now repeating the same mistake I made with alcohol all those years ago, with porn now.

I've never honestly questioned the 'benefits' I get from using porn as I've always been so focused on staying away from it. Now that I understand more about why I am using it, I can hopefully put some tactics in place to deal with the loneliness/emptiness, because that is the cause of my addiction.

 

[camus]

My feelings have been up and down today. Part of me has honestly been considering giving up fighting this addiction. I know it's not really me and just my brain recovering from the chemical onslaught at the weekend.

I feel that I can't trust my mind anymore. I have been trying to practice mindfulness today which has helped. But it is way too easy for me to live inside my head, which isn't a great place.

I feel fed up with everything, myself in particular. I don't ever learn!

Anyway, need sleep. Tomorrow is another day and this will pass.

 

[camus]

I've promised myself to visit once a day, for 90 days. I've had a strange day, feelings have been up and down. Getting fed up of being in the endless relapse cycle. But going to give it another try.

I either use addictively or I am completely abstinent.

This is day 2 of my hard 90 reboot.