I don't even know where to begin.
First, I need an accountability partner. This is a new concept to me because I am the type of person that doesn't easily accept help or open myself to others. I am very independent, probably because my parents divorced when I was 15 and ever since I've never really looked to anyone for support or guidance. I'm open to giving and accepting help because in the area of porn addiction I am failing miserably.
I fell into the addiction when I had turned 15 years old. I have grown up Christian, and so frequently I was warned about the destructiveness of pornography. It didn't really click with me though because I didn't view it. Unfortunately, being a teenager, curiosity got the best of me and I started spending a lot of time on the internet when no one was at home. I viewed it for about a year not having any regrets or thinking that I should stop, until one day I started viewing videos that were more hardcore than I had previously done. This bothered me a lot and so I decided that I wouldn't view it anymore. I made it a whole month without viewing and masturbating until I eventually gave in. For the next 3 years it was horrible cycle of stopping for a week or two and then falling back into it. At the age of 19 I decided to go on a mission for my Church. Being so busy with that I was able to abstain from porn and masturbation for the next 2 1/2 years (although at times it was almost unbearable). I thought I had defeated it, I thought my porn watching days were over, but sure enough I gave into the addiction and started viewing it again at age 21.
I am now 25 years old, have been married for almost 3 years, and I am still dealing with this porn/masturbation addiction. I need to reset my brain so badly because it is destroying me personally, and I don't want it to end up destroying my marriage. I fortunately do not suffer any issues with getting an erection for sex. Sometimes it's a little more challenging than normal, but not a persistent problem. However, I am worried with reading about the possibility of it happening.
I am giving this journal and forum a chance, and I want to rewire my brain. I want to be a good supporter of others as well. Right now I'm feeling pretty down, which usually causes me stress and then relapse, but I want to work towards 100 days without incident (no porn. no masturbating). I have a lot more feelings to share as well, but will save them for another entry soon.
First, I need an accountability partner. This is a new concept to me because I am the type of person that doesn't easily accept help or open myself to others. I am very independent, probably because my parents divorced when I was 15 and ever since I've never really looked to anyone for support or guidance. I'm open to giving and accepting help because in the area of porn addiction I am failing miserably.
I fell into the addiction when I had turned 15 years old. I have grown up Christian, and so frequently I was warned about the destructiveness of pornography. It didn't really click with me though because I didn't view it. Unfortunately, being a teenager, curiosity got the best of me and I started spending a lot of time on the internet when no one was at home. I viewed it for about a year not having any regrets or thinking that I should stop, until one day I started viewing videos that were more hardcore than I had previously done. This bothered me a lot and so I decided that I wouldn't view it anymore. I made it a whole month without viewing and masturbating until I eventually gave in. For the next 3 years it was horrible cycle of stopping for a week or two and then falling back into it. At the age of 19 I decided to go on a mission for my Church. Being so busy with that I was able to abstain from porn and masturbation for the next 2 1/2 years (although at times it was almost unbearable). I thought I had defeated it, I thought my porn watching days were over, but sure enough I gave into the addiction and started viewing it again at age 21.
I am now 25 years old, have been married for almost 3 years, and I am still dealing with this porn/masturbation addiction. I need to reset my brain so badly because it is destroying me personally, and I don't want it to end up destroying my marriage. I fortunately do not suffer any issues with getting an erection for sex. Sometimes it's a little more challenging than normal, but not a persistent problem. However, I am worried with reading about the possibility of it happening.
I am giving this journal and forum a chance, and I want to rewire my brain. I want to be a good supporter of others as well. Right now I'm feeling pretty down, which usually causes me stress and then relapse, but I want to work towards 100 days without incident (no porn. no masturbating). I have a lot more feelings to share as well, but will save them for another entry soon.