Survivor here.
What can I say? Things are really good for me. Life is good. I'm motivated, I'm energized, I feel healthy, my brain is clear, I'm in good spirits, my relationship with my wife is great. I have all these things because I've been clean for almost three weeks. And I need to constantly remind myself just why it is that I have all these good things going on in my life. Because... BIG BECAUSE... there is a little rat still gnawing at the back of my brain right now that wants me to go have a peek. Gotta remember rule #1 - NO PEEKING! Rule #2, 3, 4 and 5 - REFER TO RULE #1!
I cannot ever again break rule #1. Things are so good in my life right now and I don't want to give that up. And I know that all these wonderful things I now possess would be gone the instant I climaxed, which of course would happen as I can NEVER just have a peek and be satisfied. Never has worked that way and never will. So... if I were to break rule #1 I would be left with anger towards myself, a lack of self-respect, frustration and once again living a lie which, in turn, would leave me feeling worthless, depressed, feeling dirty somehow, worried that people would find out my dirty little secret and would think I was a perv, worried that my wife would find out (which she eventually would because of my mood change), unable to look her in the eye, and yet consumed by obsessive, compulsive thoughts and the need for continual satiation to the detriment of everything healthy that I love to do.
Doesn't sound like a good trade-off. I think I'll just go to bed and read a book.
Thanks to all for being on the other end of cyberspace so I can get this stuff out of me instead of letting it fester inside me.
A good night to all.
What can I say? Things are really good for me. Life is good. I'm motivated, I'm energized, I feel healthy, my brain is clear, I'm in good spirits, my relationship with my wife is great. I have all these things because I've been clean for almost three weeks. And I need to constantly remind myself just why it is that I have all these good things going on in my life. Because... BIG BECAUSE... there is a little rat still gnawing at the back of my brain right now that wants me to go have a peek. Gotta remember rule #1 - NO PEEKING! Rule #2, 3, 4 and 5 - REFER TO RULE #1!
I cannot ever again break rule #1. Things are so good in my life right now and I don't want to give that up. And I know that all these wonderful things I now possess would be gone the instant I climaxed, which of course would happen as I can NEVER just have a peek and be satisfied. Never has worked that way and never will. So... if I were to break rule #1 I would be left with anger towards myself, a lack of self-respect, frustration and once again living a lie which, in turn, would leave me feeling worthless, depressed, feeling dirty somehow, worried that people would find out my dirty little secret and would think I was a perv, worried that my wife would find out (which she eventually would because of my mood change), unable to look her in the eye, and yet consumed by obsessive, compulsive thoughts and the need for continual satiation to the detriment of everything healthy that I love to do.
Doesn't sound like a good trade-off. I think I'll just go to bed and read a book.
Thanks to all for being on the other end of cyberspace so I can get this stuff out of me instead of letting it fester inside me.
A good night to all.
