Indiepeaches, my partner had great difficulty in being accountable for his behavior in the early stages of recovery, and if I am being honest. I would say that the early weeks and months post d day were more like a pre-recovery phase. It took a long time for him to accept responsibility for his own decisions.
My partner 'protected' his habit for many years by secrecy and deception. After d day I challenged him over and over. Distressing as it was, I had to stand my ground. I had to say "you chose to do this" or "you knew exactly what you were doing" or "you made the decision" and so on. I had to do this, otherwise he would hide behind playing the victim or make out he was just some naive little boy lost. It was not just watching porn on a computer that he lied about, there were other aspects of his behavior that he would not admit to or take responsibility for.
One of his earliest lines of attack/defence was to put the onus on me. For example, if he masturbated to porn when I was sleeping it was because I was asleep and therefore not sexually available at the precise minute he had thoughts about sex. If he masturbated to porn because I was out, it was because I was out at the precise minute he wanted sex. The reality was, he used my being out or being asleep as opportunities. Sometimes he'd actually get anxious and even short tempered if I cancelled going somewhere because he would be deprived of his planned "session" and if he was interrupted, like if I was home earlier than planned he'd actually be moody and irritable. So I was damned if I was there and damned if I wasn't. It was actually hard work having to point out over and over that it was his choice, his decision and therefore his responsibility.
Gracie made an interesting point about how we are seen as taking away their "fun" but I would say that it goes a bit deeper than that. My partner actually spoke about having the "challenge" of avoiding detection and in some respects I felt that he was actually challenging me to test how hopeless I was in detecting his activities and how expert he was in his confidence trickery. He was just about putting the evidence in plain sight, although "expertly" disguised. In reality, I wasn't even going to touch his computer. However, he got more than he bargained for after d day when I really went in for the jugular and recovered more evidence about his activities that he bargained for.
This was the point when he had no place to hide. His usual strategies were no longer working for him. He froze, basically. He had run out of little boy lost routines and he couldn't lie in the face of the evidence I presented him with. He still found a cop out, that is his selective memory. I don't accept that one either. If he's acting like a liar and going through the typical repertoire of a liar, it probably is a lie. There are some things he won't admit to and never will because his ego couldn't face the humiliation. It would have been easier to be honest and truthful from the get go but for this pride/ego crap.
I have taken my responsibility in the porn addiction issue very seriously. To an extent I became his "enabler" during his addiction by allowing it to carry on. I was a classic case of 'learned helplessness' but it was also a situation that he engineered to protect his behavior and avoid accountability. Part of my own personal recovery has been to assert myself and communicate my needs better. It has also been an important point of recovering our relationship. He still finds communication difficult, especially about sexual and intimacy issues. Hardly surprising if these issues were the very ones he suppressed during his addiction, and also avoiding accountability for his behavior. He's better at it now but it doesn't happen overnight.
Nobody can force anyone to be accountable for their actions. Just ask a cop with experience of interrogation and they'll tell you. All I can do is to role model the changes I want for myself and in my relationship. I consider our recovery so far to be one of the more successful ones. I am harshly critical when I post on here. This is one of the rare venues where I can drag it all into the open for examination.
Indiepeaches, I too was somewhat confused. Have you been physically assaulted? If so, please don't stand for it. You must protect yourself and any kids you may have.
