Question to PA's

[AnonymousAnnaXO]

I am a partner of a PA and he has been 11 months clean. He has made progress in several areas of his life like education and work, and I'm so proud of him. For the most part, he understands the boundaries that have been set so I can feel safe in the relationship. Emotionally speaking, though, it seems ... difficult. I try to ask him how his day was (and I'm looking for more than it was good or bad), and I don't get much more than words like good or bad. The other day he did it once where he said his feelings about what happened, and that was nice.

But mainly, when I ask what he is thinking or feeling he says, "I don't know" or "I can't figure it out." He also can't remember much of anything which I think is due to the trauma of his parents divorce at age 10 when he was starting his addiction because the stress was too much. Ever since that he hasn't been able to remember things (he has no recollection of his porn use and only his history indicates whether he used because he represses his usage). He can't remember memories of us at times, or of things with girls he dated in the past and such. So it seems that porn and anything relating to women he has issues remembering.

I am asking addicts who have been recovered for at least a year about whether or not they eventually regained their emotions and were able to really connect with people whether it be friends, family, or a romantic partner? As of now, I feel quite alone at times in the relationship because he wants me to open up and tell him my feelings and I'll do so (with lots of effort on my part because I get anxious to share my emotions sometimes) and then I'll ask him and he can't reciprocate a lot of the times except for saying things like, "I don't like it when you're sad" or "I feel bad that you're depressed" etc.

 

[AppleJack]

Listen to the podcast, I put it in here and in the partners section. Get him to listen to it as well

 

[sender]

I wouldn't assume that his difficulty articulating feelings is related to porn.  Many guys struggle with that.  However, from my own experience recovering from porn addiction (as well as excessive masturbation), I have noticed a significant improvement in my memory - that's real, and also that porn and masturbation were blunting my feelings.


But, quitting porn didn't automatically make me articulate about my feelings.  For that, it sounds like your man could benefit from some training and practice.  I did the training this group offers: http://mankindproject.org/.  After the training, I became part of a group of men who also attended the training; we meet twice a month and, among the many things we do at those meetings, we do practice being aware of and articulating our feeelings. I don't know about other countries and cultures, but being a white man in the US, our culture seems to stigmatize "feeling men" in a way.  Like we're not "real men".  Anyway, I'm just pointing it out because I think it's a real issue, but that one probably has nothing to do with porn.

 

[fapfreezone]

It sounds like your man may have a problem with his memory, but couldn't he perhaps overcome this using some form of therapy aimed at childhood trauma, like EMDR or regressive hypnotherapy (I don't know if the latter is research proven, btw).

Also, sender could be right that he's just bad about articulating feelings. I think I recall you posted in this forum before and said you were doing a PhD in psychology, so wouldn't you expect to be rather better at articulating feelings? Personally, I did a CBT short course online (16 weeks ish, part-time) and it was really helpful in becoming self-aware and understanding my feelings and the reasons behind them. I am sure I am now much better at articulating my feelings, so this could be an option for your man.

Also, I don't have a partner right now and I am not a year clean. I posted anyway because I do have experience with previously being unable to express my feelings and not understanding them much at all, to going to now, where I think I am pretty good at it.

 

[AnonymousAnnaXO]

We only got 8 min into the podcast and he almost teared up because the people in the podcast truly understood the addiction adn the partner's side and he told me he just wants a therapist who really understands porn addiction and the trauma it causes to the partner.

It takes A LOT for him to feel. He is getting a new therapist because this one hasn't worked out and minimized me and my feelings about this. We know that he was traumatized from the divorce and yes, we think a therapist who knows a lot about addiction and trauma would be best. I've done EMDR and it's helped a lot with my trauma's, so maybe that would work for him, I don't know why I didn't even think of that. I can articulate my feelings, but only when I feel safe.

Given that sometimes it seems like there is a complete disconnect between us because he simply cannot express feelings when having a conversation with me makes me feel a bit hesitant to share some of my feelings, especially when I know how sensitive he is to some of my feelings. Like if I am triggered from something about his addiction he gets this depressed look and he is down for about 20 minutes and I feel terrible that my trigger caused him to be depressed. I really like CBT and DBT therapies, it has seemed to help me in the past, and I've mentioned that he should find a therapist knowledgeable in those.

 

[AppleJack]

Hey Dr Kevin Skinner in that podcast runs addorecovery. There are some free resources on there including a 75 day email course for addicts, loads of the emails for that have videos then things to complete (like journaling). Addo also does counseling, they might be in your area, I don't know if they offer phone or Skype counseling but that could be an option. Dr Kevin Skinner so co-founded bloomforwomen, which is an organization designed to help partners who have betrayal trauma. He so gets it, both the addict side and the partner side. The other option could be through Doug weiss, I know they offer phone counseling and he also gets betrayal trauma. There are some videos of his on youtube

 

[AnonymousAnnaXO]

I'll have to check that out, thanks!