How to get through the emotional disconnect

[AnonymousAnnaXO]

I am finding myself pretty depressed this past week and a half. We just moved and I know we are tired, but I have found myself just feeling a bit hopeless at times. There are days where it seems like we make progress with having conversations together (i.e. ones not about cars all the time, or ones where we talk about something significant like society issues or world problems) and then other days, if not most, it seems we can't talk. He will talk endlessly about cars because that's what he loves, but that's all the conversation. Knowing he wants to talk about that, I tend to just listen and would feel bad if I wanted to change the topic to something more meaningful and deep. Plus even when I try to get more depth only I am the one able to reach depths, and then it's a one sided conversation where I've made myself emotionally vulnerable and let down because there's minimal response, or even sarcastic at times depending on what I reveal my feelings to be, or very rarely (one or twice a month) he will actually be able to respond with some feelings.

I know this all must be part of the process, but I hate feeling so alone and disconnected. He knows I'm depressed and tries to reach out but I just feel like I've given up some days. Other days I'll try harder, but when the depression hits it hits hard. Maybe the emotions are also because im 11 weeks pregnant, I know emotions in pregnancy are amplified.

Has anyone else dealt with this? we are 11 months into him being clean and I still am waiting for a formal apology letter, and waiting for the date nights I suggested months ago. He says he feels stuck and lost. I have given him the answers on what he can do to make me feel loved and feel more secure in the relationship, but he seems either incapable of doing this or truly has no idea on how to plan a date or any other things I've mentioned.

To me, it ddoesn't seem hard to turn on a disco ball in a room, turn the lights down, and have a playlist made and surprise me one evening with a dance date at home. I told him this is something I'd like and it doesn't cost money, since money is tight, and I think he just hasn't done it because he thinks he can't dance, even though I would find it really romantic to do this. Though, given that 11 months have passed, I think I'd feel pathetic now about it and less interested.

Sorry, been a bit down. I guess I am starting to feel lost. I have done everything for this relationship. In the beginning, after D-Day, I sucked up my emotions as best as possible to try to help him get some footing in recovery, and once he had some ground (around 3-5 months) I told him that he had to start taking lead, which he started around month 8-9.

We got Dr. Sue Johnson's book, "Hold Me Tight" and plan to read that together.... or at least he says that. I've printed many packets on the fall out and how to mend the relationship and he doesn't get far. I want to trust him this time, that we will read something together, and talk about it, but I have my doubts.

I just don't want to feel so alone in this I guess. It's hard because I can't talk to anyone in real life, and talking to my partner usually leaves me disappointed and I try to bear the pain and suck it up and remind myself he is lost or stuck, but it still stings. I also know that guys tend to put effort into area's they feel confident in, and given that he doesn't feel confident in the relationship since I've found out, I wonder if that's why he hasn't put in that effort....

I guess, if I were to have anything before this baby comes in november, it would be him attempting to romance me and to have deep conversations where we can connect and feel the love and passion for each other... but I feel like that's a lot to ask for... 

 

[malando]

Hi Anna, sorry to hear you feeling this way. I can tell you that pregnancy will definitely amplify any feelings and worries you have. I noticed this myself when my partner was pregnant. I think it is almost a biological imperative to make sure things are settled before a baby comes into the mix - or at least a psychological imperative for a mother to want to feel very harmonious and secure, knowing that this time coming up will require huge output, great teamwork and minimal conflict. It really does require you and Cody to pull together in a way you never have before. You will hear various stories about how kids put pressure on a relationship. In our case, our daughter actually was the key to us working out most of our shit, pardon my French. We were both used to being self-centered, and looking after our own needs. We even broke up a few times before the pregnancy! But after we found out we were pregnant, we both realised we needed to shelve all the BS and stop worrying about niggling little details and petty squabbles. There simply isn't energy for that. So that's the first piece of advice I have for you both - don't sweat the small stuff.

Once you have moved past the small stuff you are in the territory of the necessary stuff. i.e. what you need as a minimum requirement to be there for each other and for your baby. I have noticed you refer to a very tight financial situation a few times. This will weigh on the both of you if the money is inadequate. He will have to step up to find a way to reduce the pressure on your finances. You can only tighten the belt so far - there has to be enough money coming in. If things are that tight, measures need to be taken because it does cost money to look after a baby. That means for him, no discretionary spending on cars etc. unless the family needs are being met - it's literally a waste of time to be surfing the net for car parts when that time could be spent either on preparing for the baby or earning some more money. I think something will need to change in that regard. It's still early days in your pregnancy, but you don;t want to be feeling like impoverished college students as you go into the next stage of starting a family. It's ok to live frugally, but make sure there is going to be enough money. Make sure he is pulling in enough money to make this work. Enough to make you feel safe and secure that you aren't going without too many things.

It is a concern if you are spending a lot of time nodding your head while he talks for lengthy periods of time about cars. I think you know that you aren't going to have time for this once your baby comes - neither will he, quite frankly. It might be wise to have a conversation about how this car hobby plays into your collective future. Does he know just how much of a back seat this hobby is going to have to take in your near future? The fact that he can talk about it so much suggests the penny may not have fully dropped on this. I think it's causing you anxiety to see so much of his focus on such a nonessential element of life - especially given your lack of financial means to even support such a hobby. So I think you might need to have an honest heart to heart about his level of investment, be it time, money or conversation in his car hobby. You really don't seem ok with where it's at now, and it might be hurting you financially too - even in terms of taking away time to make some more income. He could be out there stocking supermarket shelves, or doing paid surveys on the internet (or whatever else he can do to bring in some more money), rather than frittering away time on looking at exotic cars and pretend shopping for car parts. He needs to get out of this adolescent phase and move into being the man of the house and the provider. Sorry if that seems harsh, but it's true. I know what I'm talking about because all this became true for me in the past 3 years. It's a challenging time - more challenging than any other time in your life, so you have to get your proverbial ducks in a row.

I won't try to dissect what's going on with how you are feeling about your relationship, other than to say that I think you need to try to settle any issues you can as soon as possible. It will make your pregnancy much easier if you do. It's normal to want to minimise conflict at a time like this, but you really need to make sure the important stuff (to you) is being looked after. You don't want a stressed pregnancy or early motherhood. He needs to be in a change of mode too - that means life is no longer about his reboot and what he needs to feel supported about his addiction. He needs to move past that and take on this new role - putting you and his child first. If he can do that, it should actually help with his addiction. Focus on this new challenge should make  this addiction almost an irrelevancy. He should literally have no time for that crap!

As for what you need emotionally, you probably just have to keep asking for what you need until you get it. I don't know if you'll ever get the official apology letter you want, but hopefully he will come to show through his commitment and actions with your new family that he knows how important you are and what you need. Keep up the communication, keep asking for what you need. It's ok, it's not selfish. You are feathering your nest for your little one! I hope the feelings of loneliness and disconnection will dissipate soon and you guys can pull together as a solid team. It can be a great time if you pull together - try to emphasise that often. For us, that pulling together was what caused a positive shift in many areas - including my P-addiction. But in so many areas really. It's hard, but it's worth it. I would do anything for my family. I know how lucky I am! I hope Cody knows how lucky he is and that he will make himself a better man to protect what he has.

All the best!
M.

 

[AnonymousAnnaXO]

Thanks! I know the pregnancy is amplifying and it's true I guess I do want all my ducks in a row.

When it comes to money I've always been someone who saves and I tend to not spend money on myself because I feel it's selfish and I often feel guilty. I will spend my money on others like parents, siblings, partner, and friends because I think they deserve something nice every once in a while, but I usually save.

Cody has had a job since he was 18 and hasn't been unemployed since. He makes $15 an hour which is the best job he can get around here, and it's nice because he works for my parents and he can stay late on some days. Cody has always spent his money on himself since he first got a job at 18, and he does admit to being selfish with it. We had a long talk last night after you posted and we read your response together.

We both agree him being on Autotrader in the evening looking at cars he will never buy is a waste, and we also figured maybe it was in the realm of something like porn where you just surf to get a hit of something. So we agreed together that he would only look up car stuff if it was a necessity. Hopefully, that pans out.

We also talked about the car talking thing. It's true that there won't be much time to just talk about cars endlessly when the baby comes. I think we will be working on having important conversations like how we have a genetic consultation at the end of the week and might do the screening test, which would also tell us gender! So those conversations hopefully will be more in the forefront. We talked about how he won't really be able to work on cars until a couple years down the line, and obviously once he finishes his degree. He is getting a degree in business and in autotech, so he can be a car technician at a dealership before we want to take on making a business later down the line.

I like how blunt you are, trust me I like the honesty, and I think he needed to read that. He used to work at verizon and is great at fixing phones, so we have discussed him fixing phones on the side to bring in some extra money, and for me to look for babysitting jobs. So we are trying to come up with plans to bring in extra money so we can save a little more.

With his addiction, I told him he has to take lead, and his current therapist isn't working at all, so he has to find a new therapist to see and I told him that I will always watch the baby if he has a therapy session because I think it's important for his self-growth and our relationship, and I told him I would expect the same from him if I needed to go to a therapy session and he was available to watch the baby.

I told him that an apology letter comes before a proposal, as in I want to see him try before he proposes because he is planning to propose soon and I know it. So even if the letter isn't a work of art, it's the effort I'm looking for. He knows this and we talked more this morning and seemed to reconnect a bit, so I am hopeful again... and hopefully we can keep talking and being open with each other.

 

[Emerald Blue]

Anna, I do sympathise with your situation, but I think you both need to rethink your priorities with a baby on the way.

The first thing that strikes me is what support are you getting from your own family? Do you have any sisters, cousins, aunts or friends who already have small children and who can share their experiences of pregnancy, who can say how it was (and is? for them? Will you be going to ante natal class where you will have the chance to meet other mums-to-be? You come across as being quite alone in your situation and seem to be expecting rather a lot from your partner right now ? with good reason of course, he is the baby's father after all ? but I actually think you need to at least have some contact with people who know what you're going through right now.

Secondly, this car thing.... I can't think of anything more boring to talk about than cars, lol!!!! Seriously, he needs to get a grip. What is a car except a method of getting from A to B. I think your comparison with porn is apt in that it's this seeking/fantasy thing though obviously it's not to the same degree of intensity, but he needs to ask himself, What exactly do these cars represent to him?How would his life be different if he owned one of these fantasy cars? What would ownership mean to him? Why? What is his life lacking that owning a car would fix? Seriously, it's just a pile of metal. A new human life is far more precious that something that will be rusty and breaking down in a few years.

Thirdly, forget the apology letter. I know it sounds harsh but if you let go of the expectation, it's one less disappointment. I don't have an apology letter but my partner has apologised several times and I know it is sincere. I don't need a letter though I can understand why it could be significant for some people. Don't use it as a bargaining tool though. It's far better to have the difficult conversation rather than set conditions. "If [you write the letter] ... I [will marry you] ..." otherwise you might just end up with an empty gesture.

Fourthly, the date nights. I can see how frustrating and disappointing it is that he is dragging his heels on this. I sort of get that but to his credit my partner puts in quite a bit of effort into cooking a special meal or suggesting things to watch together like movies and box sets. There are some ideas I have had for date nights that he hasn't been keen on at all, much to my disappointment. My only suggestion in the light of his reluctance is to go ahead and have a date with yourself. Do the things you want to do but do so alone. Chances are, he will want to join you and that's fine. Let him. Sometimes you need to set the example yourself before he figures out what to do and how to go about it.

Anna, you really have a lot to deal with right now, and to be fair, so does your partner. The baby and the preparation for its arrival has to take priority. Your health and well being is paramount. You need support but you need support from other sources too. As for this car stuff, he needs kicking into touch!

 

[AnonymousAnnaXO]

We are living at my parents in the basement which is pretty big, so my parents have given us a place to live while we save money. They will also help out financially to some degree and I think his dad will chip in too. I haven't had many friends to talk to about this. The one friend I do have around well she hasn't gotten back to me about time to hang out.

The car thing means to him that he is successful. We talked and he knows that having me and a kid is all he wants and needs, but I think to him if he can afford a nice car, then to him it means he is successful financially. He also likes to know that he can beat other cars... I don't know why, maybe to feel superior??? Not really sure.

I have my friend's moms I can talk to about pregnancy and children. I know that I'll be going to those birthing classes where you learn to breathe and all that. Pregnancy wise I don't expect him to do much except hopefully be at the doc appointments with me, and of course post pregnancy be the father and an equal parent.

I really want the letter because I want to be able to read it in tough times for me whether being triggered or whatnot and be able to see the remorse and acknowledgement. So to me the letter is important, though if he doesn't give it to me I know I'll live.

Date nights... well if we go out to dinner and have a real conversation I'll take that, I mean it would be nice I guess.