Worst Therapist Ever.

[AnonymousAnnaXO]

I honestly feel so terrible for my partner. He had hoped this new therapist would be better but they were worse than the first. This therapist, when my partner cancelled his session to say it wasn't working because the therapist didn't seem engaged and doesn't talk, responded with saying, "Sorry you are disappointed. I give feedback when I think it is help or if ask for an opinion. Therapy is mostly a time and space for you to work on yourself. From what you tell me, I don't think you have a porn addiction. I do think you have issues around self identity and work. I wish you the best, Dr. ---"

I broke down crying and Cody was angry. This therapist basically told us our reality isn't our reality. This therapist also told Cody along the way that he thought my boundaries were excessive, to which Cody said they weren't because he wants me to feel safe in the relationship, and the therapist shrugged it off. This therapist claims to be an expert in sex addiction and trauma... yet this therapist knows NOTHING.

Cody asked why the therapist thought he didn't have a porn addiction and the reason was, "You are not watching for hours a day from what you tell me"

Cody said that he didn't feel that classifies something as an addiction.

The therapist replied, "You are able to not look at it, you look at it to get off, right?"

Cody said he was able to not look at it becasue of how often he used to do it and that he used porn to escape from reality and he would get really bad urges if he was away from porn for too long.

The therapist replied, "That's why men look at porn, play video games, play sports, watch TV, to escape reality. Good luck. But if you feel it's a problem you should go to sex addicts anonymous, there are meetings in ---- and they are free"

Cody told him he has gone to the meetings an they weren't helpful and that he has an emotional problem that is serious and from the porn addiction that he has had for 10 years.

In the end the therapist said finding a therapist he gets along with is important. Good luck and bye.

Cody told him he felt like he was invalidating his addiction and the therapist never responded.

Even though cody didn't look for hours a day, he went to porn 3 times a day and couldn't fight the urges, had tried to quit many many times unsuccessfully, and his life was negatively impacted by the use (school was poor, our relationship almost destroyed), and his life has improved 10 fold since quitting porn. I don't know how a therapist can justify telling someone they don't have a problem when there is clear evidence they do.

This incident brought up  alot of emotions for both of us, Cody is angry and let down, and I feel like Cody was decieved for months since this therapist led cody to believe that the therapist knew he had a porn addiction and was going to help with recovery tools. Now Cody is looking for a new therapist... I feel so angry at the therapist and so sad for Cody for having to go through that.

It seems so impossible to find a therapist who deals with porn addiction...

 

[malando]

This is not a therapist, IMO. This is a charlatan who takes money to dole out his own opinion. The role of an therapist is to listen carefully to how the patient is being affected by whatever is in question. To take it seriously and to work with what they are experiencing. To tell somebody that they don't have what they know they have is the therapeutic equivalent of "gaslighting" - which is a subject that has been talked about at length on this forum. It's very dangerous because you are taking somebody who is already feeling very vulnerable about what's affecting them and then telling them they are wrong, it's not really there, don't worry about it. It's incredibly dangerous for a therapist to have such attitudes because it can actually lead to people doing harm to themselves due to feeling isolated and like there is no hope or way out of how they're feeling.

To be honest, a doctor like this is probably actually in denial about his own porn habit. I'd almost bet on it. Why else would be be so defensive of porn and justify it? Really sorry to hear that Cody got this loser. I hope he won't give up on therapy because of this. I'd go so far as to screen doctors for porn addiction knowledge before even going to see them. I'd ask them directly, "do you treat people for, and believe in, porn addiction?". If they are not immediately definite in their response, just forget it.

All the best to both of you.
M.

 

[sea 51]

Sorry about your bad experience. I've had bad experiences with different therapists that my husband has seen as well.  I think Malando is on to something that the therapist maybe has his own denial or maybe is woefully way behind in the latest research which ybop covers. 

I've taken several courses in counseling and it is VERY INTERESTING to see therapists in the making - the wizard behind the curtain.  they are all human beings and fallible even though the profession and society tends to treat them as experts who know what they are doing.

It is really important to interview a therapist and find out what there views are concerning the topic your are addressing in therapy.  what is their theoretical approach?  their experience? their success record. Bring in the YBOP research in the first session and see their response. 

My couples therapist is not helping me with boundaries in my relationship. For now, I have stopped couples.  If I need one in the future, I'm going to make sure I interview him/her really well before I start investing the time and money. 

 

[Emerald Blue]

Oh dear. This man sounds terrible. He's better off without this kind of "help".

Ideally, he needs to see a therapist who specialises in porn and sex addiction, although they are few and far between and also very expensive.

I don't know what the solution is here. He might like to invest in Paula Hall's book for sex addicts (not the partner's book, that's a separate title). I know Cody is not a full on sex addict but Paula considers porn addiction as being a subset of sex addiction. It's the problems it creates that defines whether it's an addiction and NOT how many hours a week. I'm suggesting that more as background information rather than as a self help bible, although I believe self help is the cornerstone of recovery, with or without a therapist. A therapist should encourage us to find the way that works for us. It's not easy though. My therapist wasn't that great and neither was the counsellor who I saw for my depression, but they helped a little bit.

 

[rebootrapp]

Sorry to hear that his counselor was such a jerk.

Our couples counselor didn't seem to believe in "porn addiction" so to speak, at least we never believed that he believed it's an actual thing. But he did at least seem to play along for our benefit, hopefully you can at least find someone like that.

I get the feeling there's a fortune to be made if you wanted to become a counselor and advertise as someone specializing in PA. Hell, maybe those of us on here could be the first wave! We've all learned the latest science and the lessons have been earned in blood.

Anyway, don't give up hope AA. As long as Cody is progressing in his recovery, no matter the rate, he's still heading in the right direction.