Sometimes I get discouraged

[Gracie]

Why do I get discouraged?  It makes me sad to see all the men that bemoan their addiction.  There are men on YBR that have had hundreds of thousands of views of their journal  and they still struggle.  Some were there 6 yrs ago when I started this journey and they are still there.  Complaining about all the alphabet things.  Saying maybe I can have real sex.  I understand this is an addiction but if you are still on go after a number of years then you either do not want to change or need to do more than write words.

I think that is what bothers me is that men start this, and some of us pop in and say tell your wife, give resources and some of the men give those as well.  Then OMG I saw a bikini got to hit the porn.  And away go thoughts of wife, gf, future wives girlfriends and kids.  And then start allover again.

When does self control come in?  When does any sort of I have to do this kick in?

I am fortunate that my husband has worked very hard and we are able to work on our relationship.  But many are not so lucky.  I hate seeing porn claim lives and marriages.  I wish I could make every man see the pain and havoc it causes.  That it is about emotion, and their brain, not soft dick, hard dick, fast dick, slow dick, little dick, big dick (well maybe big dick if they act that way) 

End Rant

 

[aquarius25]

I 100% agree!!! Self control is something I have wondered about so many times! I do understand that addiction is a real and tricky thing but sometimes it feels like they have an attitude of oops, my computer screen accidentally found porn, my dick accidentally fell out and somehow my hand is stroking it until there is a mess everywhere. O well better starts over, no biggy.  Best not tell my wife as I would want to hurt her feelings, I will do better tomorrow. There is no real commitment, self control, and honestly real responsibility in that attitude. Then all of the other men are quick to say, hey man its alright, hang in there. No! That is rubbish! Take ownership of the severity of your behavior! I am not saying go into a self pity depression, but do take this addiction seriously as the very least. It have an effect on more than just yourself

 

[Emerald Blue]

If these guys are doing the same thing and getting the same result, stuck in an infinite loop of abstinence and relapse, then they have to figure out a better way. "Oops I saw a bikini picture and before I knew it I was jerking off to porn" is a cop out. I don't buy it. What the "trigger" is, whether it's a bikini picture or a TV ad or a movie scene or whatever is neither here nor there. The real trigger is what goes on in the mind of the addict, his own thoughts are the trigger.

If they are so habituated to scanning porn sites for thumbnails in the course of seeking the clips that will get them off, it's the "brain training" that needs to be addressed. Navigating a visual culture awash with sexualised imagery is a skill that a recovering porn addict needs to learn. Or rather, he has to unlearn his own brain training. Not that many people are media literate anyway and for all this talk of "men are visual creatures", men who consume porn are astoundingly lacking in visual literacy. They don't often properly 'see' what they're looking at, it's what they THINK they are looking at which they are responding to. Again, it's their own thoughts that are the triggers.

If an addict wants to quit he has to become media literate, and approach it like learning a new language. It's a necessary skill.

When an addict is at a more advanced stage of recovery, at least beyond 'abstention' from porn, that's when he gets to realise what the real triggers are, whether it's loneliness, or escaping from a stressful job, or a cluster of anxieties that could be described as a 'midlife crisis', if he can understand that he needs to address these issues and learn better coping skills, chances are he won't be cycling around the never ending relapse cycle.

I know porn addiction can be difficult to overcome, and that it has permeated our culture to the extent that it's free, unlimited in supply and always available. I also appreciate that it can involve a lot of hard work and commitment to address all the various aspects of the behaviour, its effects and the underlying reasons for susceptibility. Not everyone can afford specialist therapy (if they can access it).

With regard to not telling partners about porn addiction, this is undoubtedly counterproductive. Whether the partner "knows" or not, the effects are certainly felt but without any explanation of why things feel a bit off. If an addict wants to get his relationship working properly again, how can that be possible when the other person is denied the opportunity of raising her own issues and addressing the difficulties within the relationship? Relationships are a joint responsibility.

Not only that, the support of a partner can be absolutely 100% necessary if the addict is going to quit successfully. When the problem is out in the open it's surprising how the addiction itself begins to retreat.

As for fear of the partner's reaction, yes of course there may be shock and hurt and upset, but these feelings will most likely pass once the partner has the opportunity to understand what porn addiction is about. Most relationships do not end. Most partners do not leave. The majority of relationships can and do survive. There are caveats though. If the addict doesn't quit or if the behaviour has escalated into full scale sex addiction there is going to be more relationship stress. Obviously. But even then many relationships can and do survive. As long as there's progress. If nothing changes or if there's more going on and kept hidden from the partner the outlook won't be so good.

So far my partner has done very well. He's glad to have his time back and he's been especially committed to rebuilding our relationship. It's been tough for both of us, and getting past the emotional rollercoaster of the first year was hell at times, but it had to be. No pain, no gain, etc. You have to go through it to get to the other side and there's no shortcut, there's no quick fix.

I too feel sad when I see men being so reluctant to their wives/GFs. I know many women will sense it. I know that they are being denied the opportunity to live a better and happier life.

 

[Mike2]

We can try to help you understand, just as you have helped us to understand your perspective: http://legacy.rebootnation.org/index.php?topic=13301.0
If I had a partner, I'd tell them, because I'm not sure anyone can beat this alone.