Nobody IRL Takes This Seriously

[EworCaz]

When I tell my most trusted friends about my depression or struggle with PMO the most common reaction is laughing. I am in recovery with 9 years clean from drugs and alcohol. I have a tight support group, and some really understanding loving brothers, sisters, and a sponsor. I work a 12 step program.

Porn addiction is a joke to most of these people. I used an app a while back called Ever Accountable. It would have worked great if my accountability partners took it seriously. Embarassingly there were a few times when they caught me looking at P, and called me out on it. I gave them some excuse like, ?yeah its under control now?. They believed me! Recovering addicts with years clean believed me on my first line of bullshit I fed them!

Now here I am again. I have today. I haven?t used any P and haven?t even touched my D. My balls ache. I am trying to do this one day at a time, but secretly my goal is to put 2 weeks together, in hopes that it will boost my mental focus and physical energy.

Ive been very depressed. The depression is obviously linked to the PMO, because after I finish, I have superficial thoughts of suicide. Ive got a lot of great things going on in my life so I don?t actually feel like pulling the trigger, but the thoughts are there. I feel socially awkward, and totally out of control of my world. I compulsively eat, and masturbate every spare moment. Everything else in life feels like a chore and a huge bother.

Last year I was able to put together 90 days. I experienced a major slump/flat line from around day 60 to day 80. Those 90 days were the most productive, and fulfilling 90 days id had in years. My depression was lifted, my libido was like a normal human libido(omit that 20 day flatline). I read about 15 books, and lost about 20lbs of extra weight. I truly felt the ?super powers? that others discuss. I recognized them not as super-powers, but a return to my vibrant self in my college years, when I spent 18 hours a day at school, in classes, clubs, the gym, and the library, and had time to pursue multiple girlfriends.

At this point I don?t yearn for ?super powers?, I just want out of this depression. I want to play music, and be satisfied with the sounds that come from my voice, and guitar. I want to enjoy it again. I want to enjoy being outside, and sweating, and playing with my dog. That?s all I want. I want hard times, and I want to face them boldly, and solve problems. I want to enjoy socializing.
Writing this has been very therapeutic.

Even if no one has read it, I still appreciate this forum being here. If anyone has read it please consider being an accountability partner with me. I can?t get through this alone, and as I said at the beginning, my friends in 12-step recovery have not been as supportive as id like.

 

[EworCaz]

Today was good. Woke up without back pain for the first time in months, and had some energy. Felt awkward and unwelcome at work. That might just be my confidence still circling the toilet bowl.
The main point is that i signed up for yoga classes today. I am financially committed for the next 3 months. I took a relaxing yoga class, that really helped me focus my energy. I felt true serenity for a few brief moments.

I had a talk with my girlfriend. I have talked to her about nofap a few times before. She becomes less and less accepting and understanding each time i talk to her about this stuff. I guess her previous boyfriends were PMO addicts as well. I didn't tell her that i was trying to quit porn again (she thinks im still abstinent from my previous attempt 5 months ago). I told her that I recently had an awakening and realized that i needed to change some things in my life, so im going to attempt to abstain from orgasms for two weeks. That should buy me some time.

today concludes day 2 of abstaining from PMO. My goal is 14 days. Im trying smaller goals this time. Really trying to take it one day at a time. Again, if anyone is interested in exchanging accountability info, id really appreciate an accountability partner.

 

[EworCaz]

I just discovered a nude pic of an ex in one of my forgotten folders. I had a pretty strong urge to look at it over and over. My mind found excuses to look at it again about 3 times. Chalk it up to a slip.
Figured i should come here and tell on myself, to remain accountable.
thank you reboot nation

 

[EworCaz]

day 3

My brain sexualizes EVERY woman i see - young and old. Looking forward to all this white noise dying down in my brain.
Muscles ache like crazy and i have insane hear burn 3rd day in a row. stress?

 

[EworCaz]

On day 3 I ended up masturbating - Some MO without the P.
Yesterday on day 4 I abstained from PMO.
Today at the beginning of day 5 i am obsessed with getting my rocks off. I have had several strange inclinations today, such as messaging and hitting on some random women, breaking up with my girlfriend, paranoia about what she is up to right now(is she cheating? ive never felt this way about her before, and weve been together almost a year). All of this has gone through my mind in the 30mins I've been awake this morning.
Thoughts of finding nudes of old ex's have even entered my mind. I think i remember where there might be some, on an old old phone that i may have forgotten to factory reset before i tucked it away. I'm not going to check now. I guess i could throw that phone away and delete the other little porn nuggets i have stored away randomly on different hard-drives, but i dont want to. THIS IS A RESERVATION. Even if i wanted to get rid of that stuff, i dont feel that im strong enough right now to do it. I had a dream last night that i was pulled over while my PC was with me, and my car was searched. I was held for several hours while they had a technician look through my computer. For once i was not embarrassed. Sure he might find some porn in my history or on some lost buried files, but yknow what, thats not who i am today. I felt proud that porn is not defining me today.

 

[EworCaz]

Day 6
Right now i have a very intense desire to jerk off. Lets document the facts. My girlfriend just left, had amazing sex twice last night and once this morning. This must have been a very big dopamine hit because im feeling the chaser affect right now. I just found myself drooling through snap chat. I should delete it ASAP. Yesterday was the first time ive been with my girl since i started the reboot 6 days ago. I was aching for sex. I felt like a heroin addict who needed a hit (by the way i know what that feels like, and this feeling was very similar). Now that she went home, and im here by myself, it only took a few mins for the intense cravings to come back lol. I think it might be worth going through this reboot early phase one last time, just so i dont ever have to do it again.

I took a restorative yoga class this morning, which was very relaxing, and meditative. Tomorrow im going to call my health insurance company to see if they will set me up with a nutritionist. It's time to lose some weight. I think back to college, when my porn habit was off and on. I would stop porn for 2 months without even realizing it. I think back to then, and how fit and energetic i was. I want to be in shape again. I might be more obese right now than ive ever been. I have trouble breathing when im laying down. It only exacerbates my back problems too.

I guess i should really only focus on one thing at a time, and treat myself with more love and acceptance. Many people in this forum suggest to change old destructive habits along with the reboot.

We have a saying in recovery: The only thing you need to change is everything.

I should make that my tag line on here  :

 

[Floink]

Hi Ewor!
Welcome to the forum! Yea, it is hard to find someone to talk about it who takes the whole thing seriously. It might be easier in the us, where the nofap movement is bigger than here in europe where i live. Luckily, some of my friends are biologists and can follow the explanations i gave them.

Stay strong, Ewor! The effect nofap had on my life was incredible. I had a setback a few days ago and was reminded that what goes up, must come down, if it is not constantly flapping their wings keep on doing the great work! I have been a rare guest on here in the last weeks but will try to check in every few days. If you want to, we can keep an eye on each other

Floink

 

[EworCaz]

Thank you for the positive and encouraging feedback! Today is day 9. I was horny constantly for 7 days, but now I'm on a down swing, not affected by anything sexual. I'm proud of the energy and brightening in my mood that I've gained.

 

[EworCaz]

Ugh. On day 9 I just slipped up and saw some nudity on Twitter. I started scrolling, and saw a few pornographic images. Probably nothing worse than what I've seen on HBO in the past few days, but the fact it was on my phone was triggering. I did not PMO. I JUST SLIPPED. The reboot continues.
I feel ashamed.
Yoga class in a bit.
Hopefully I'll feel better.

 

[Floink]

Hi Ewor,

Congrats! You encountered a trigger and did not PMO! Don't you realize how cool this is? Even if it was hard to resist, you remained in control of the Situation! Also, you now know how to be much more careful on twitter. I deleted my social media accounts because they simply were a sinkhole of time. I made sure I have all the phone numbers of the people I want to be in contact with and deleted my facebook. It was awkward while doing so, but the next day I did not miss it at all. Maybe this could be an option for you, too?

Do not be ashamed that you got bombarded with triggering material, it is everywhere. The crucial point is that we try to avoid it as much as possible and how we deal with it wen we get in contact with it. Be proud that you remained in control of the situation instead and shut it down.

Have fun at your yoga class! I took up archery in a club after starting nofap. One of the best decisions of my life. Isn't it great to be part of a community to share a common interest and seeing oneself getting better at something while doing so? Is Yoga hard to do? I am as flexible as a wooden board and fear I could make an ass of myself when joining a yoga class, although I am interested. Do I need to be flexible to do so?

Floink

 

[EworCaz]

Day 0:
its hard to believe its only been 20 days. it seems like its been a couple months of self torture. I fapped on the day of my last post. I am starting again today. I've only been without PMO for about 4 hours. Honestly I had a reprieve of about 3 days, last week, when i went on vacation with my lady. I had every intention of keeping it going, but i relapsed as soon as i got home. This addiction is really powerful. I am in a pretty hopeless spot right now. Any encouragement would be helpful.

 

[EworCaz]

Hi Ewor,

Congrats! You encountered a trigger and did not PMO! Don't you realize how cool this is? Even if it was hard to resist, you remained in control of the Situation! Also, you now know how to be much more careful on twitter. I deleted my social media accounts because they simply were a sinkhole of time. I made sure I have all the phone numbers of the people I want to be in contact with and deleted my Facebook. It was awkward while doing so, but the next day I did not miss it at all. Maybe this could be an option for you, too?

Do not be ashamed that you got bombarded with triggering material, it is everywhere. The crucial point is that we try to avoid it as much as possible and how we deal with it wen we get in contact with it. Be proud that you remained in control of the situation instead and shut it down.

Have fun at your yoga class! I took up archery in a club after starting nofap. One of the best decisions of my life. Isn't it great to be part of a community to share a common interest and seeing oneself getting better at something while doing so? Is Yoga hard to do? I am as flexible as a wooden board and fear I could make an ass of myself when joining a yoga class, although I am interested. Do I need to be flexible to do so?

Floink

Thank you for the feedback and positivity Floink. I wish i was still rebooting, when i saw that. It would have really helped! It's encouraging to me reading it even now, back on day 0.
I have still been doing yoga at least once per week. I'd really like to do it more but my porn addiction has me laying in bed most of the day. Im an educator and school is out for the summer. I have too much free time on my hands. Believe me though there are plenty of activities i could be doing instead of fapping. I could ride my bike, walk my dog, go for a hike, do yoga, do yard work, clean, go fishing. So far none of these activities has seemed as appealing as the instant gratification i get from porn - which feels pathetic.
To answer your question about yoga, you don't need to be flexible. Yoga is a very passive exercise, and not competitive. Im a pretty big guy, and i have chronic back problems, and i am able to nail some of the poses. People are surprised how flexible i am and its thanks to yoga. When you first start, instructors usually advise you to do modified versions of poses, and to use props such as blocks or pillows, to help balance or lower the impact. I hope you try it out!
Thanks again for the feedback, and positive words.

 

[Spiritseeker]

Hello, Ewor. I must say I read your journal and I felt touched by your words. Friend, please understand that everything you're going through has an explanation and a solution. I'm sure some guys have been through worse in this treatment. Just have a peek on YouTube and you're going to figure it out. I've been on this forum not for so long and I don't exactly know how I can help you. I don't know if you are a religious person or not, but be sure a guy from Brazil already knows about your problem and he is going to pray for you and try to do the best he can to support you until your recovery. First of all, everything I can ultimately advise you is to get closer to a loved one, no matter if this person is a friend or a family member. Be honest with him, let all this crap out, tell everything! Claim for this person's help. You need to be around people dear to you. Surround yourself with love and sincerity. Regarding people who laugh at our problem, these are a bunch of mentally handicapped apes who are completely ignorant that porn addiction is a social and a health problem that is destroying people's lives. Fuck them off. People who don't care and even mock at misery and suffering deserve ZERO respect and attention. Keep very, very far from these ones because they also don't care about you at all. In addition to surround yourself with love, I would do these:

* Review all the problems on pornography, as well as the reasons why this has been an issue in your life. Go watch YBOP instructional videos and testimonies on YouTube;
* All these bad feelings you are having currently are not you. What is really you is that one you miss so much: the one who once did greater things. You must bring that man back and make it speak louder. You're not a mediocre person, you are that person you said you're missing so much. Don't let a mere dark part of you speak louder.
* Drastically limit your time in front of the computer. Go find happiness and peace out of your dark room. Do you really accept the idea that they only come by seeing virtual content in front of a goddamn screen?! GO OUT!
* Understand that successful rebooters relapsed. It's no news in relapsing, isn't it? Allow yourself to mistake and get back on your feet RIGHT NOW!
* If you any time feel really bad about you and your life, come back to this forum asking for help and call someone who you trust and surely loves you.

Keep struggling, my friend. Remember that many people have been through these and many in worse situations have succeeded. Never forget: what you are feeling has an explanation and a solution. You can trust me!

 

[EworCaz]

Hello, Ewor. I must say I read your journal and I felt touched by your words. Friend, please understand that everything you're going through has an explanation and a solution. I'm sure some guys have been through worse in this treatment. Just have a peek on YouTube and you're going to figure it out. I've been on this forum not for so long and I don't exactly know how I can help you. I don't know if you are a religious person or not, but be sure a guy from Brazil already knows about your problem and he is going to pray for you and try to do the best he can to support you until your recovery. First of all, everything I can ultimately advise you is to get closer to a loved one, no matter if this person is a friend or a family member. Be honest with him, let all this crap out, tell everything! Claim for this person's help. You need to be around people dear to you. Surround yourself with love and sincerity. Regarding people who laugh at our problem, these are a bunch of mentally handicapped apes who are completely ignorant that porn addiction is a social and a health problem that is destroying people's lives. Fuck them off. People who don't care and even mock at misery and suffering deserve ZERO respect and attention. Keep very, very far from these ones because they also don't care about you at all. In addition to surround yourself with love, I would do these:

* Review all the problems on pornography, as well as the reasons why this has been an issue in your life. Go watch YBOP instructional videos and testimonies on YouTube;
* All these bad feelings you are having currently are not you. What is really you is that one you miss so much: the one who once did greater things. You must bring that man back and make it speak louder. You're not a mediocre person, you are that person you said you're missing so much. Don't let a mere dark part of you speak louder.
* Drastically limit your time in front of the computer. Go find happiness and peace out of your dark room. Do you really accept the idea that they only come by seeing virtual content in front of a goddamn screen?! GO OUT!
* Understand that successful rebooters relapsed. It's no news in relapsing, isn't it? Allow yourself to mistake and get back on your feet RIGHT NOW!
* If you any time feel really bad about you and your life, come back to this forum asking for help and call someone who you trust and surely loves you.

Keep struggling, my friend. Remember that many people have been through these and many in worse situations have succeeded. Never forget: what you are feeling has an explanation and a solution. You can trust me!

Spirit Seeker, Thank you for your loving and encouraging words.

Today is Day 5
I'm trying it different this time. This time i am masturbating without porn whenever i feel like it (its only been about 5 times so far.) I'm also going to have sex with my girlfriend whenever i want.
So far it is working great. I dont have any overwhelming urges to use porn, and im experiencing all of the great benefits of someone who is 5 days into a reboot.
I have also deleted social media accounts, and severely limited my screen time on video games, computer and phone.
In the past i have tried hard reboots, semi-hard reboots, and many other methods. I have not yet tested this method of just jacking it causally without porn when i feel like it. Of course i have the benefit of being able to still get hard without porn, and ive had enough erotic experiences in my life to have compiled a pretty wealthy spank-bank. So far this way is proving itself to work, as i have no sleepless nights, soreness or irritability, and my girlfriend loves how horny i am.
This unorthodox method is working for me today, and if i hit a plateau, and things start to get weird, then i will just level up, and start a hard reboot.

PS I am seeking an accountability partner who is willing to share their email with me. I have an app called ever accountable, which tracks all of my activity on the PC Tablet and phone, and sends a weekly report of any suspicious activity. The app is made for no-fappers and rebooters. Anyway i need someones email who is in the community and understands rebooting, to give me their email so they can see my activity, and call me out on anything suspicious, as an extra level of accountability for me! Please let me know if anyone is willing~!

 

[EworCaz]

Day 6

I'm still sticking with my soft reboot - still masturbating and having intercourse during this process. Usually day 5 and 6 are extremely difficult. I am usually wracked with obsessions about porn. Today i am grateful to say i have not had any desire to use porn, my head is clearer with each day, and I've been much more productive over the past 4 or 5 days. I have begun writing on step one under the guidance of my sponsor in NA. This is my second time working it. Most if it so far has been about my porn use and my bad eating habits. This feels right.
I'm still off of social media. It's amazing how clear my head is when im not a Facebook zombie for 3 cumulative hours of the day. Plus my daily phone battery life has doubled. Music sounds sweeter. I've been doing yoga every other day, and ive been busking downtown with my guitar, so my creativity is starting to come. Things arent all rainbows and sunshine, but i certainly feel more hopeful today.

 

[EworCaz]

Day 7

Happy 4th of July!

I have been noticing some sleep issues. i cant get to sleep until really late like 3 or 4am. When i try to sleep i end up in some weird beta brain wave place where im half awake. Last night i tossed and turned so much that i woke up literally tangled in my blankets. I've been getting this feeling like bugs are crawling all over me. Im only just now realizing that its due to porn withdrawal, because this has occurred 3 nights in a row.

Im still glad to be rebooting, and im proud to be a part of this community! Comments and encouragement are welcome!

Tonight ill be going downtown where the fireworks are happening to busk (play music for tips). This has been a fun way to stoke my creativity.

 

[EworCaz]

Day 9

I've been waking up super late in the day and going to bed super late at night, which is OK sometimes because my girlfriend is with me, but when I'm alone it is a very isolating experience. My girl was with me last night when i stayed up till 3. She was feeling icky, and neither of us felt like having sex, so we just cuddled and watched a movie. She left to go home, and i was all alone. I jacked off without porn or any visual aid. Still using fantasy. I fell asleep immediately after ejac.

I woke up today at 2pm with morning-wood (or should I say afternoon wood).
I was having a weird sex dream, which was pornographic, but hell, I'm only 9 days in, what did i expect?
I'm just amazed that i had morning wood this early on into my reboot. This has never happened this soon into my reboot. I thought that things would be moving along slower because of my daily MO without P, but my reboot seems to be moving along just fine.

My back has been feeling amazing. I have been having upper back pain like crazy over the past 6 months, and no matter what i do it has not gotten better. Last reboot attempt i made i noticed that my back pain was clearing up toward the end. I am grateful to say that my back has been feeling amazing the past 2 or 3 mornings which is probably why i have been sleeping in so damn late. I think jacking off for 2 hours at a time was making me have a stiff back from my muscles getting all stiff and ridged during PMO.

I'd like to take a moment to clear something up, if i haven't made it clear already. It is generally suggested that if you are new to this you start with a hard-reboot no PMO for 90+ days. Rebooting with daily MO w/o P is not recommended. I have read Gary Wilson's work over and over. I have read everything on YBOP, and I read his book twice.
I have a bachelors degree in psychology. I understand the studies, and the neuroscience within them.

I agree with 99% of the content of YBOP.​

[size=18pt]The strategy of MO w/o P during a reboot is a new one for me. Ever since i discovered YBOP in 2014 I have been trying hard-reboots, of various degrees, and have found myself unsuccessful each time. One miraculous benefit i have experienced is that after my first two hard reboots i have not had any ED problems since, whether I'm in the grips of a porn binge or not, so for that i am grateful.
To anyone rebooting for the first time i recommend a hard reboot at first. The neuroscience strongly supports the hard-reboot YBOP method.

If anyone is reading this and has any feedback please feel free to comment.

 

[EworCaz]

Damn it.
I had 12 days.

 

[EworCaz]

Well I'm back at it again. I was back on PMO for approximately 95 days. It was hell out there. I do not recommend trying to use PMO successfully. Today is day 7 of my new reboot.

 

[redjem]

You seem to see things about PMO that your other friends have not.
This is a very special and important outlook on life.

The very fact that you are trying to resist is the first step you need.
I hope you receive encouragement this day my friend.