It's so hard to believe that just over two years ago my husband and I were faced with a hard line to cross. Things finally clicked for me that the problem in our relationship was primarily stemmed from his porn addiction, and that without overcoming that it would be the end of our relationship... Our marriage. It was hard in the beginning. It was hard for him as he went through the withdrawal symptoms comma and came to truly understand that this was a real problem. It was hard for me as every month passed by and I couldn't help but wonder how his progress was coming. I found myself constantly full of anxiety over wondering if he's fallen off the wagon and wondering if asking how is progress is coming may make things worse. I remember in the beginning being completely heartbroken when I found a list of links to videos on his phone. I found myself over time simply wondering if I could ever trust him again and also feeling so stupid forgiving of my trust even after that. That was only a few months in and since then there has been no indications that he's fallen off the wagon again. Now when I ask him about it, which only happens every other month or so, I no longer feel guilty about asking. I only feel like it's a matter of checking in to see what his feelings are, if he's having difficulty, if he's noticing any trends in life that are similar to pass triggers.
It has officially been a complete two years since I can confidently say that he's last looked at anything. I'm posting this update, because well it's been awhile. There are things about our sexual relationship that I am extremely pleased with, and there are some things that I'm kind of surprised about.
I am so pleased that when we have sex now it truly feels like there's a passion in it. It feels like we're having sex because he wants to, because he wants me, because he enjoys it with me... rather than it being a chore.
Something that truly surprises me though is that we honestly do not have any more sex now than we did before the reboot. Sometimes I think maybe we have sex less often. And what's more surprising to me is that I'm okay with it. I don't have a drive or need or desire to have sex anywhere near as often as I used to. And now when we have sex it's fulfilling. I guess that's the biggest difference. Before I would never feel fulfilled because I would never get the emotional components of having a loving sexual relationship... this caused me, I think to constantly seek out sexual relations order to try to accomplish that feeling. Now that I get it every time... I feel satiated and happy.
As a side note, the motivation for me making this update post is that today my husband will be doing a semen analysis. We have been trying and trying to get pregnant for about four years. I have been to the doctors to have me checked out, because we always knew that it would be difficult for me to get pregnant since I have a condition called PCOS. We've tried a number of different fertility options and nothing has seemed to work yet. While I was in nursing school I was given the assignment to develop a fertility education tool. While developing this tool it really drove home to me to reality that men are equally as likely to be the cause of infertility issues, both accounting for 40%, while the remaining 20% the problem lies with both partners.
We did a home semen analysis and it showed that his semen count was low. Having a low semen count really doesn't tell you that much when there is also the possibility of other issues such as poorly formed semen. So today my husband is going to the hospital to ejaculate into a cup. He has to do it there because of semen has to get to the lab within 30 minutes and the hospital is about 45 minutes away from our house. I'm concerned about the difficulty of doing that type of act in an uncomfortable environment... I've been thinking about telling him that it's okay to look at some material if need be... Because having a child is important right?
But I'm scared... I'm scared that if I don't mention it, hell do it anyways but be too... Ashamed? To tell me. I'm scared of the what ifs... I'm scared about the psychological repercussions of him even having to face the decision. Is having a baby really worth that type of stress or damage? Is not trying really worth not knowing?
I'll give the update on if this occurs... But so far... So great.
It has officially been a complete two years since I can confidently say that he's last looked at anything. I'm posting this update, because well it's been awhile. There are things about our sexual relationship that I am extremely pleased with, and there are some things that I'm kind of surprised about.
I am so pleased that when we have sex now it truly feels like there's a passion in it. It feels like we're having sex because he wants to, because he wants me, because he enjoys it with me... rather than it being a chore.
Something that truly surprises me though is that we honestly do not have any more sex now than we did before the reboot. Sometimes I think maybe we have sex less often. And what's more surprising to me is that I'm okay with it. I don't have a drive or need or desire to have sex anywhere near as often as I used to. And now when we have sex it's fulfilling. I guess that's the biggest difference. Before I would never feel fulfilled because I would never get the emotional components of having a loving sexual relationship... this caused me, I think to constantly seek out sexual relations order to try to accomplish that feeling. Now that I get it every time... I feel satiated and happy.
As a side note, the motivation for me making this update post is that today my husband will be doing a semen analysis. We have been trying and trying to get pregnant for about four years. I have been to the doctors to have me checked out, because we always knew that it would be difficult for me to get pregnant since I have a condition called PCOS. We've tried a number of different fertility options and nothing has seemed to work yet. While I was in nursing school I was given the assignment to develop a fertility education tool. While developing this tool it really drove home to me to reality that men are equally as likely to be the cause of infertility issues, both accounting for 40%, while the remaining 20% the problem lies with both partners.
We did a home semen analysis and it showed that his semen count was low. Having a low semen count really doesn't tell you that much when there is also the possibility of other issues such as poorly formed semen. So today my husband is going to the hospital to ejaculate into a cup. He has to do it there because of semen has to get to the lab within 30 minutes and the hospital is about 45 minutes away from our house. I'm concerned about the difficulty of doing that type of act in an uncomfortable environment... I've been thinking about telling him that it's okay to look at some material if need be... Because having a child is important right?
But I'm scared... I'm scared that if I don't mention it, hell do it anyways but be too... Ashamed? To tell me. I'm scared of the what ifs... I'm scared about the psychological repercussions of him even having to face the decision. Is having a baby really worth that type of stress or damage? Is not trying really worth not knowing?
I'll give the update on if this occurs... But so far... So great.