Afraid of losing it all!

[natedbker]

I am a 34 yr old male. I have dealt with porn since I was 14. I have tried repeatedly over the past 2 decades to quit. I come from a religious environment where porn and masturbation are very bad. I am married to a beautiful wife and have 3 kids. My wife will divorce me if she finds out I am still using. I live in fear of losing everything...my family, my job, my future, my career, and my reputation in the community I work and live. I am a big believer in mindfulness and meditation. Over the past 3 years I have been trying to use this as a way to reboot. I find myself more comfortable accepting myself for who I am when I have a relapse but that does not change the haunting facts that follow me around every day!

I find that I am a very driven person in need of affection and affirmation. I find porn is my way to feel accepted and as if I am enough for one moment (even if it is fake). I have fleeting moments of hope that I might actually overcome this part of me...but on days like today I wonder if I am doomed to loose everything because I cannot/will not choose to click on a website.

I went through a addiction recovery program in college where I learned a lot about the problem...for some reason I cannot shake it. And now I am double afraid to try to go into a recovery program because I will lose my wife.

Oh how I wish this could be simply erased from me!

 

[Gracie]

This is something that takes time.  I am a believer in telling wives and others disagree.  But I feel that since there is a secret life going on (the use) it is easier to go back to it if no one knows.  That makes no support person in your everyday life.  As a wife, I can tell you that if your concern is you do not feel enough, how can you ask for encouragement from a different source.  Since you are here, you obviously do not feel comfortable with what you are doing.

We wives, if you read some of the journals here, know that something is not right.  Believe it or not, we know you are different for you are not like you were before.  She may not need to know everything but she should be told you use.  Read this article and what the wives say.  It is rather long. But they all say knowing was way better.

http://www.patrickprag.com/patrick_prag_counseling/Resources_files/Attachment%20threat%20and%20pair-bond%20relationship_1.pdf

Read some of the women's posts as well.  You have come to the right place!

 

[austingill]

This is not a big problem, If you can control your emotion. You can easily avoid porn and masturbation. So I would suggest you to consult with any good physician and discuss with him and forget about divorce.