Am I the only one who needs to feel desired and romanced after this???

[AnonymousAnnaXO]

I feel at a loss. I am trying to figure out if there is something wrong with me. I have this need to feel desired/wanted and to be romanced since I found out about his addiction. I feel like the addiction basically just ruined the "us" relationship, and I'm still wanting to feel romanced (pursued) and like I'm more than just a best friend at times. There are days where he can be romantic (like a date once a month) but on a daily basis sometimes I just feel so distant from him romantically it's insane, and then there are days I do feel romantic towards him and can show it, but that doesn't give me my needs. I am sure it fills his need to know he is still wanted after everything, but I still struggle with feeling wanted. Anyone else struggle from this? Any addict in a relationship, were you able to give your partner romance and the feeling of desire after D-day?

 

[aquarius25]

I completely understand and feel the same way. I feel like we talk and engage more and are probably more connected through communication but the romantic element has been missing. I don't feel like we have the same spark we used to. I don't really know how to get it back. There are a million things I would like for us to do together it just if I arrange it all and come up with all the ideas then we have pretty much what we have now. It isn't very romantic for me to plan something romantic for myself, lol. I feel like I have hinted at it but it never seems to pan out.

 

[maria]

I am glad you posted your question, Anna, because I was JUST THIS MORNING wondering the same thing and wanting the same thing for myself.  As I made the commute across town I was thinking "gosh how I wish I could come home tonight to flowers, a candle lit dinner, and him being romantic, saying nice things to me and telling me how much it means to me that I have stayed, and then maybe some dancing and whatever follows."  My heart wants so much to see that look on his face again that I am all he wants.  And I want so badly to want him in the same way, and I want the goosebumps back that used to happen every time he touched me.  I want the tingle on my lips when he kisses me and the overall arousal that comes from being THAT CLOSE to him.  I want that SO BADLY and all of it has disappeared since discovering his repeated use of porn.

There is NOTHING wrong with you for having those feelings, it's what I want EVERY MINUTE OF EVERY DAY.  I have read enough to know that once the porn is discovered that you really never get back to "how it was before," but I still want it to be that way.  More than anything. 

If your partner really cares and wants to make things better, tell him in direct terms what you would like.  From my experience, hinting NEVER gets the job done because they don't think that way.  NOT saying they are dumb in any way, just that concrete requests are more likely to be fulfilled.  I asked my partner to call the exterminator about a weed problem, and he did it.  Not the most romantic thing, but it is helping me feel cared for that he would make it a priority to do that for me. 

Figure out what kinds of things are romantic feeling to you, and make him a list!  If he is even REMOTELY human he will really appreciate it, and he won't have to go through the "stress" of wondering what would please you. 

Make him a list of the kinds of things he can say/do that will make you feel desired.  Think of it as giving him a shiny new tool for his toolbox in the garage.  I haven't met a man YET who doesn't like tools, and he is more likely to do what you want/need when he knows exactly what it is.

I know this seems like it will be even more work for you than you are already doing to keep the relationship together, but think of it as a big up-front investment that will pay off over time.  And leave room on the list for adding things as they come to mind, and I hope that eventually as your partner starts to see how good you are feeling, that they will come up with ideas on their own.

Hope this was helpful.

 

[aquarius25]

For me personally making him the list would completely defeat the purpose. I know I sound ridiculous. That is fine. By spelling everything out ruins the spontaneity, which is the element of romance for me personally. It feels more like the romantic equivalent of a forced apology. You know? When you tell your kids to say he is sorry and they spit out this scripted apology that is verbatim what you told them to say. It just doesn't feel authentic. I have explained this to my husband and he knows. He also knows the kind of things that I find romantic. I think, honestly, he is so busy and overwhelmed that it really hasn't occurred to him. Since he is doing a lot right now already, I am willing to cut him some slack for the time being. I appreciate him working hard for our family, and in a way that is romantic too.

 

[maria]

Aquarius,

Yes I agree that if you have to spell everything out, it tends to ruin the surprise, but if the list has enough ideas or idea starters, it would be up to her partner to choose items from the list at random, not just go through from top to bottom.  And I think that we assume our partners already know what we like and/or want, but in reality that is rarely the case.  I have been in four relationships, and with each person they were generally clueless about what I liked, and dropping hints was NEVER helpful.

It's good that you recognize his hard work for the family as a step. Many men find their identity in what they do (rather than who they are, which would be better) so encouraging him to keep working hard is a good idea.

Couples counseling might be helpful for Anna and her partner; a third party can be very helpful in deciphering what each person needs and how to best communicate it to each other.  I am in counseling with my SO and there has been many times that her interpretation has propelled us exponentially towards solutions that we could not have figured out on our own.

I hear the frustration in both yours and Anna's voices, and I empathize because I am hurting too.

 

[AnonymousAnnaXO]

Yesterday was hell for the rest of the day. We ended up fighting twice, which was so sad. I guess I had reached my limit of patience given the wedding is coming up so I messaged him this,

"im sorry its just ... its very difficult to wait to be of priority or of worthiness... it's been a year and I just... I am so proud of the progress you've made, but when it comes to "making up" for what you did... it's exhausting to wait around to see if I'm important enough to "get off ur ass" and put in effort.

I know, work, school, hobbies take up a lot of time and energy. I get that. just this wouldn't be so bothering if there wasnt an addiction that ruined us in the first place. if there was never anything to make me question that im important, attractive, and that you respect me, then that would be a different story.

but here is the story  (from how ive experienced it)
- we met i thought you were a good guy
-i found signs of deception, and you blamed me said im too sensitive
-you promised there was nothing bad going on
-i catch u lying countless times and no matter how much pain im in, you dont stop
-i eventually have dday where i figure out everything and i am the most broken ive ever been because the ONLY person i let myself trust after my traumas ends up treating me with disrespect, treating me as if im replaceable, meaningless, forgettable, and just "not worth the effort or time"

then after dday is healing time and I end up doing ALL the work, begging you along the way to be in therapy and read books, articles, participate on reboot and so on.

what happens?
u go to therapy, it doesnt work, takes months to go to another, and same thing happens.

u say u will read, u start, u stop, and im let down and alone.

we try having weekly talks, but when we switched days, its like we never had talks in the first place. again im left alone.

i love you Cody, so much. I just don't want to feel alone, forgotten, replaceable, not important, and worthless and hopeless.

that is how I have experienced this last year. maybe you can tell me your side after work or something.

it hasn't all been bad, you really have turned Your life around and I'm so proud of that!"





He texted back this

"I'm really sorry Anna, I'm trying I really am. I know I need to do more it's just like I've said, I have trouble knowing what to do to make it up to you no matter what you tell me to do. I don't know why, I'm sorry I hurt and I really wish I never did but I had serious problems that still need help which I'm going this therapy will do"


So that was texted during the day, the evening is when we fought. This morning we apologized to each other and I explained to him that I am just scared. He said he understood that, and the thing is since his parents divorced at such a young age he never had a role model for romance and never witnessed what romance was. In his mind a romantic relationship was two people that hang out a lot together, are friends, and have sex. Given that he finally told me that, we had somewhere to work from. I explained there is love and romantic love, and since he never learned romantic love, this morning I explained it.

This is something I came up with this morning for him since doing things on a daily basis seems to be challenging for him.


DAILY things to do
-Ask yourself
> How is Anna doing today
>How am i doing today
>What can i do to make Anna feel loved and happy
>What am i feeling and thinking
> How has my addiction affected myself, Anna and our relationship?
>What can i be doing differently today to make my recovery better?

Things to DO
-Journal once a day about thoughts and feelings, and about addiction recovery both my own and relationship
- read either one chapter/section of book/packet a day and either write feelings down or discuss with Anna
- Make a list of promises to myself and to Anna
- Make a list of boundaries for recovery
-FANOS
-Talk to Anna 2x a week at least about either my recovery or about relationship recovery
- Put all money from check, except $100, in the cash box. no exceptions!


So we will see how things go. I explained to him this analogy, "How do you learn to ride a bike?" He thought the question was stupid and answered, and I said, "You learn to ride by getting on the bike and starting to pedal. If you don't get on the bike you will never learn. So how do you learn to be romantic and to think about the addiction? You learn by actually doing something on a daily basis."