AnonymousAnnaXO
Active Member
I've been with my now fiance for 2 years. I caught his addiction at the one year mark. He is a year clean.
Anyways, so during his year clean, he focused on building his life, and now we have started focusing on the relationship repair. Last two nights we've gone through the packets I'd printed out after d-day a year ago. He just wasn't ready to read them I guess. But now he is, and he has made so many connections and it's been amazing to see how far he has come!
Last night, I was having an "anorexia (or ED) attack" as I call them. I'm pregnant and I know my boobs are growing and I've been feeling insecure sometimes with the body changes and so I told him and we were being playful and somewhat sexual since I had my shirt off while he massaged my back. I got triggered to one of the memories of finding porn and told him, especially since we haven't talked about that one incident mostly, hence why I think it's so damn triggering.
Anyways, we talked about it, reconnected and made out and it was late like 11:30 and I wasn't sure if he wanted sex, but I knew I wanted sex, even though I got triggered. I liked that he was showing interest in me sexually, especially knowing how vulnerable I was last night.
So we went to the bathroom and came back down to the bedroom and we started making out, naked, and he couldn't get it up, which has not happened in a LONG time (I.e. in a year). I got really freaked out and felt rejected, and he could sense that. He asked what I was feeling, and to me, it felt like he was trying to humiliate me further by asking, but I know he literally was just trying to reconnect. I said I was going to go rinse off in the shower, and I left. He didn't follow originally. I was in the shower, he entered and sat down. I was really nervous, and he then started giving me the most sincere apology I've ever heard from him. He explained just walking up the stairs he had to pause because of how tired he was (it's 3 flights). I knew that he meant it when he said he was tired when he said that. (he has said he is tired a lot when sex came up in the past, hence why I am hesitant to really believe him when he says that.)
He didn't just say "I'm sorry" but said, "I am so sorry that it ended up that way, I knew I was tired and wasn't sure if I would have the physical energy to have sex, but I wanted to try anyways, to show you I wanted you, but it obviously didn't work, and I am so sorry that you are feeling rejected." That was only the first half. He kept talking about what he was trying to do by not just telling me he was tired, in which case, after the trigger, I would have felt rejected and he knew that. But as he went on with his apology, he started tearing up, which is HUGE for him! He said, "I hate to think that I've caused you so much pain, and again I just did it, I hate thinking of that when all I wanted to do was show you I am attracted to you and love you. It just hurts to know I've hurt you so bad with everything."
That was way better than an "I'm sorry." We ended up hugging and reconnecting and going to bed in a good mood and feeling close. I told him that that was the kind of apology I had been looking for this entire time throughout recovery with him, and he said he hopes he can give me just that (since I know he is going to write a letter apologizing for his actions).
I feel hopeful and I felt he genuinely cared about hurting me last night which was so different than in the past. I hope we keep moving forward like this!
Anyways, so during his year clean, he focused on building his life, and now we have started focusing on the relationship repair. Last two nights we've gone through the packets I'd printed out after d-day a year ago. He just wasn't ready to read them I guess. But now he is, and he has made so many connections and it's been amazing to see how far he has come!
Last night, I was having an "anorexia (or ED) attack" as I call them. I'm pregnant and I know my boobs are growing and I've been feeling insecure sometimes with the body changes and so I told him and we were being playful and somewhat sexual since I had my shirt off while he massaged my back. I got triggered to one of the memories of finding porn and told him, especially since we haven't talked about that one incident mostly, hence why I think it's so damn triggering.
Anyways, we talked about it, reconnected and made out and it was late like 11:30 and I wasn't sure if he wanted sex, but I knew I wanted sex, even though I got triggered. I liked that he was showing interest in me sexually, especially knowing how vulnerable I was last night.
So we went to the bathroom and came back down to the bedroom and we started making out, naked, and he couldn't get it up, which has not happened in a LONG time (I.e. in a year). I got really freaked out and felt rejected, and he could sense that. He asked what I was feeling, and to me, it felt like he was trying to humiliate me further by asking, but I know he literally was just trying to reconnect. I said I was going to go rinse off in the shower, and I left. He didn't follow originally. I was in the shower, he entered and sat down. I was really nervous, and he then started giving me the most sincere apology I've ever heard from him. He explained just walking up the stairs he had to pause because of how tired he was (it's 3 flights). I knew that he meant it when he said he was tired when he said that. (he has said he is tired a lot when sex came up in the past, hence why I am hesitant to really believe him when he says that.)
He didn't just say "I'm sorry" but said, "I am so sorry that it ended up that way, I knew I was tired and wasn't sure if I would have the physical energy to have sex, but I wanted to try anyways, to show you I wanted you, but it obviously didn't work, and I am so sorry that you are feeling rejected." That was only the first half. He kept talking about what he was trying to do by not just telling me he was tired, in which case, after the trigger, I would have felt rejected and he knew that. But as he went on with his apology, he started tearing up, which is HUGE for him! He said, "I hate to think that I've caused you so much pain, and again I just did it, I hate thinking of that when all I wanted to do was show you I am attracted to you and love you. It just hurts to know I've hurt you so bad with everything."
That was way better than an "I'm sorry." We ended up hugging and reconnecting and going to bed in a good mood and feeling close. I told him that that was the kind of apology I had been looking for this entire time throughout recovery with him, and he said he hopes he can give me just that (since I know he is going to write a letter apologizing for his actions).
I feel hopeful and I felt he genuinely cared about hurting me last night which was so different than in the past. I hope we keep moving forward like this!
