Ad altiora natus sum

[Spiritseeker]

It's been 12 days since I last PMOed. Mood level: 7,0.

Quite ordinary day today. A little anxious and my eyes are hunting exciting images without my permission. Back when I had a PMO routine, I got used to a certain variety of feelings during the day, but today it's like I started seeing things around me differently, kinda weird. If this is an effect due to reboot, that has been one of the most interesting experiences I've ever had. Not because I deeply fell in love with having urges and flatlines, but because I feel I'm able to keep track of the changes happening in my brain. I had some light headaches too. Gotta sleep, folks. 

 

[vigilantwarrior]

I love your mood level tracker btw
If I may ask, what do you mean that you are seeing things slightly differently?
Congrats on the offer! You're definitely going to take it and when will you start?
I'm happy for you and your girl, cherish that brotha

 

[Spiritseeker]

I love your mood level tracker btw
If I may ask, what do you mean that you are seeing things slightly differently?
Congrats on the offer! You're definitely going to take it and when will you start?
I'm happy for you and your girl, cherish that brotha

Thanks, dude haha. I saw this mood level tracker thing in someone's journal and I found it interesting and cool since the beginning. Of course it doesn't match exactly how my mood would be from 0-10 but this is a way to help myself remember how happy I was in a certain moment, besides supporting people to properly understand the weight of the words I type in here. Maybe I could plot a graph in the end of my reboot.  Regarding my feelings, it's hard to explain, but I'll do my best. Well, I would start from this point: your house is a place where you're used to. When you arrive home from a random place, there's nothing different there. You fully know what to expect from it. In my case, everything was going this way, but yesterday I was just doing some random stuff around my house and I suddenly had the insight it was kind of a different place, or maybe it was a place with many other characteristics I hadn't perceived before. I don't know how accurate the report of this experience is, but that is the way I'd describe what I felt in that moment. I presume it was part of the changes already taking place in my brain, likely a release of neuro-substances. It was a weird feeling but I'm very glad it is already happening.

Yes, I can't even remember the last time I spent 14 days without PMOing, so I have quite some reasons to expect my brain will be hitting me hard this week. My plan keeps being what has been the most effective actions: social gatherings and decent exercising. If I don't have enough head to do other things, these won't be requiring that much and I'll go for it. I have no doubts leaving home is the best way to fight this shit. Not only because you stay away from your computer but because you submit your brain to other experiences, probably helping with the rewiring. I'll try to turn on my computer only with people around: either to play videogames with mates or to watch good series with my girlfriend. That's it: hanging out, jogging, squats. Major habits.  8)

 

[Spiritseeker]

It's been 13 days since I last PMOed. Mood level: 8,0.

Ordinary Sunday today: had lunch with family, watched series with gf and went to church. However, in the beginning of the evening, my girlfriend received a phone call from a friend who was feeling suicidal. She was crying profusely and had injected an antidepressant in one of her thighs. The reason being was that she wanted the medicine to effect faster. As she works as a nurse, no major issues with the procedure, but she stated that she had a considerable pain while doing it, purposely to "replace an inner pain by an outer pain". We drove to her place as fast as we could. I was very frightened and expecting an unconcious laying girl, but my girlfriend just found her mourning with an injured leg. During that moment, I completely forgot any fantasy and any lust I could feel. Death grounds you in reality, even a mere threat.

 

[Spiritseeker]

It's been 14 days since I last PMOed. Mood level: 8,0.

2 weeks. It feels like quite an achievement to me. Looking forward to see how things are going to feel next. I slept till late and got some anxiety in the afternoon, but everything paid off by jogging and 80 squats -- increasing gradually - in the evening. I heard something lovely from my girlfriend when I was driving her back home tonight. She said I've been kind to her in a way I hadn't been for a long time. I know I'm not doing good in productivity, but keeping away from porn has been extraordinarily fulfilling, both to me and my girl. I'm recovering my sensibility. I keep telling her: "first things first". No matter what, God be praised. I'm grateful.

 

[Grandson_of_Thatcher]

I'm really happy for you! Those are the memories that can strengthen us, right?
You seem very focussed on the importance of the reboot and you seem to fight it very actively. I applaud that, it is an inspiration to me.
Tonight, there is going to be a sermon at a church nearby. I wasn't planning to go, but I will, in some kind of way, for you. I will thank God for your story and for your happiness.

God be praised indeed,
Grandson_of_Thatcher

 

[vigilantwarrior]

Spiritseeker, through your joys and pains, keep working away. If we could bottle up these positive things and keep them tangibly in our sights when we're not having a good day, things would be a lot easier. But it's incredible to hear that your gf enjoys the kindness that comes with your goals and progress. Sorry you had to deal with a struggling friend. Sometimes that stuff can hit us later. Always feel free to talk about it, you got a place here mate.

 

[Spiritseeker]

It's been 7 days since I last PMOed. Mood level: 8,0.

I had a relapse, but I don't have enough time to explain what excatly happened. To sum up, here it goes my piece of advice: IF YOU CAN'T GET TO SLEEP, ABORT IT AND GO DO SOMETHING ELSE. On my way to travel with my girlfriend and my family for a wedding and I'll be heading to a big city for a trainee program next Monday. Hope I can make it. If I can't, no big deal, everything is getting back on track again. Keep struggling, my friends.