I can give up, I've done it loads of times

[TakeActionNow]

Coffee,

only facts will liberate us.

1. PMO is our go to place to
a. get away from our troubles and
b. kill time
when we stop PMO 2 things happen:
a. what to do with the spare time? Go find something meaningful to do. Fill that time !
b. what happens when we do not allow ourselves get away? You will have to endure the emotional turmoil.
You will be angry, frustrated, upset etc.
Learn to deal with it.
Pain is gain.
This is growth.
No more running away.
The past is dead. Have the courage to cast a new future.

2.
Women live in the here and now
Women care about effort
woman care about showing strength, courage, action and determination.
women care about truth and presence
women wants you to own and deal with your issues, not run away

Its all about character.

Women are strong, extremely strong.
We have to be strong(er) too.

Be strong and determined my friend.
There is no other way.

 

[Coffeenut]

Day 21

Good peace talks today.

I do need to be more present. No hiding away. I am strong, I need to channel it right.

I am going to spend the time I have left enriching others lives. Especially one in partulicular.

Was hurt by the statement that the only reason I'm doing anything is because "I broke my dick". Not for any other reason.

Not true. Not that it matters.

Good luck everyone else dealing with this. Sometimes you have to take some low blows.

 

[Coffeenut]

Another thought

Seems to be right for me to go for total abstinence. No P, no M and no sex ( even if we are back together properly). I need to go back to normal reactions to normal stimuli, a proper reboot is required. It has to be the quickest option. I have wasted the last 34 years ( think I started at 12), might as well not waste any more precious time.

 

[Coffeenut]

Day 22

Another day with thoughts, stomped on quickly.

The chimp paradox book is helping me.

Stay strong, you have to quit guys, you really do.

 

[Coffeenut]

Day 24

Thought it was day 25. Got to stop that, no good wishing your life away.
Am writing in separate journal which my wife writes in. That is separate from this and I can put more stuff in it. Sorry guys but I can't risk  ID for her sake more than mine.

Am giving my chimp lots of bananas. I think he's suspicious that he's being manipulated. If you are wondering if I have a pet chimp then no, am reading " The Chimp Paradox" by Steve Peters.
Its really helping. Would be interested if anyone else has read or is reading.

 

[TakeActionNow]

Coffee, I have the book and i will read it. Thanks for the recommendation

 

[Coffeenut]

Would love to know what you think TAN.

I am coming to the realisation that my chimp was running things and had his own key to the cage.
I have changed the lock and he is under some proper management.

Another book anyone who has viewed porn, especially with young girls in, should read "half the sky" by Nicholas D Kristof and Sheryl Wudunn.

Listen I'm not religious and I don't want to preach but this book has some shocking statistics and stories about the abuse and trafficking of young women. Guys you cannot guarantee one of them isn't on one of these films. Even if they aren't the whole porn thing is part of the overall problem. We need to respect our fellow humans.

I for one have been somewhat hiding from this subject, but I know most of you deep down feel the same way. Its hard to give it up but this information WILL help.

I'm at the end of day 25 and they are my 25 greatest treasures. They are my road to health and happiness.

Good luck guys and of course partners.

 

[TakeActionNow]

Coffee , the chimp comes in many different names

I have been taught by others to call it the inner critic

it is our emotion, our ego, our memories, calling out to 'protect' us

but it is not based on facts, reality or sensibility

it is based on past experiences, of voices from others and within long ago, echoing out today in the belief that the same will happen again, however unreasonable it may seem.


On the other hand, our goals are based on facts, logic and awareness

hence to reach our goals, we need to tame the inner critic or to silence it

and continue to persevere until and beyond our intended destination

meditate my friend, and find the stillness within where there is no voice.

 

[Coffeenut]

Thanks TAN. You are obvs well up on the inner critic chimp thing. I am quite new to recognising it and dealing with it appropriately.

Day 28 today. Had a couple of days off journaling here. I think that's OK. Am organising my thoughts in a written journal too because much of it inappropriate for online.

My displacement activities are guitar and gaming. I  also using gardening and drawing. I am also using spending time with wife and kids as a soother. The simple act of making a drink or talking about rubbish. Normal stuff.

My boys are hard to manage sometimes esp when they are fighting. When they are full on I usually end it by shouting loudest and more persistently. Its pretty exhausting. Probably normal though. Don't know why I mentioned that, my brain must have thought it was relevant.

 

[TakeActionNow]

Coffee, we all start somewhere.
I'm glad its starting for you.

Try to focus your life on doing only meaningful things that are beneficial to others, and may be self improving as well. Life is short, so dont spend any more time on meaningless stuff like gaming. It has taken too much of my time and i hope it will not take any more of yours.

Allow me to teach you 2 more things:

Loving kindness meditation

Sit in a quiet place, preferably dark, cooling, quiet and comfortable
Sit with back straight, not leaning. This is important for alertness
Before starting, motivate with clear intention what this sitting is for
eg. " i seek calmness in myself and long term vision of happiness with my loved ones"
close eye and focus only on breath
if thoughts enter, say thoughts thoughts thoughts and do not engage with it
if sounds enter, say sounds sounds sounds and do not engage with it
if itch enter, say itch itch itch and do not engage with it
always return to breath.
After calmness has settled, start loving kindness
wish one by one, or in groups, that they are free of pain and suffering, that they are well and happy
Start with yourself and expand outwards until all living beings in the world
Do this about 15 mins a day.

This will develop a calm and loving approach to all people.

Visualization
Spend some time each night visualizing :
- how you manage issues SUCCESSFULLY
- how your family grows abundantly, loving and successfully
- how your capacity to handle matters calmly and successfully grows and grows

This will develop positive motivating confidence and ability when faced with difficult situations.


Long story short,
Your actions and decisions are usually most ideal when you begin with a mind that is clear, compassionate and free of clutter. That comes from daily meditation.


Please give these a try

 

[Coffeenut]

OK day 30 today.

I like sitting outside on a clear night and looking at the stars. It makes you realise how small and insignificant your problems are. I also like lighting a fire outside and watching it. These are my forms of meditation. I am going to try those things you mentioned TAN.

Things going well with my partner. We are reconnecting. I don't want to push it as 30 days ago I was losing my marriage.

I am taking lots of pleasure from my garden.

You are right about gaming although it is a way I can connect with the boys.

 

[js2004]

Good to hear things are leveling off for you. Keep going it will all be worth it in the end.

 

[Coffeenut]

Thanks js.

Reconnection is working. We were intimate last night for the first time since reboot began. I am enjoying the richness of the sensation of being in love again.

I am also listening better and focusing better. There is still room for improvement and occasionally I feel myself slipping into old habits, disengaging etc. But this isn't going to happen over night.

Regarding ED. Sex and intimacy is not about getting hard. My advice is ditch the pills and focus on touch and feelings. I doubt your partner cares about how hard you are, she definitely cares that you are not using P.

Day 31 complete. Over and out.

 

[Coffeenut]

Day 33.

2nd intimate time since reboot today. Things different in a good way. You need to make things different to avoid old habits.
I can definitely get through now that we are connecting more. We are discussing stuff properly in detail.
I am enjoying the last days of summer break with the family more, despite the pressure of work. The problems with work will be there no matter what, but they're much easier to deal with when home life is good.
Effort is required sometimes and it pays dividends.

Love to all, stay off the P guys its remade my life.

 

[Coffeenut]

Day 35

A good day for me but not good for my partner. She is struggling for reassurance and that we are not going to be back to square 1 again.

She says I can't promise her anything. She can't promise me anything. She is also worried our intimacy will interfere with my reboot.

I have to be honest it has been full of conflicts, emotionally and mentally. I don't regret it for a second but it was easier just not to think about sex and intimacy.

My day was good as I avoided and used displacement activities. I used work as a displacement, that kind of worked because it took away some of the stress of being off and having a lot to do.

I don't have all the answers but I do know this is going to be hard. Its hard listening to someone recite your failures. Hard to not hate yourself, at least a bit, for a while.

 

[Coffeenut]

Day 37.

Not a particularly good day. Partner jpurnalled in our shared journal last couple of days about the stuff I've done, how our life was a lie, her exit strategy etc..

The stupid thing is I thought we were getting somewhere.

Not sure this journal is helping anyone. I don't give a shit about porn or ever using it again.

Fuck the world and everything in it frankly, sometimes that's all I feel.

 

[TakeActionNow]

Coffee,

Journalling is about honesty.
And honesty will cover both the good and the bad
the joint journaling is not just about you
it is also equally about her
but more importantly it is about putting challenges and issues on ink
when things are open and discussed, opportunities and possibilities can be found

The 4 agreements states:
1. give your impeccable word
2. do not assume
3. dont take it personally
4. do your absolute best
I will add: stay positive always

PMO is about instant gratification, about avoiding reality.
Going PMO free is about living in reality, and living the opposite of instant gratification.
And reality is about vision, goal setting, effort, determination and endurance, to finally see things through after some time.

1. Don't give up on her and yourself. Always think of the best of each other.
2. Don't assume or take her words personally. Clarify with compassion and respect.
3. Stay focused on what you set out to do
4. learn to give more than receive
5. do your best.

We are here because we want to become better people.
I know you already are.

 

[Coffeenut]

Day 38.

It seems positivity is too much to hope for.

3am chat last night, some stuff was sorted.

Feeling better.

Common ground was talking about all our friends and their dysfunctional or broken marriages. We were both wondering if what we are doing is realistic.

I think you can't do journalling properly without the negative, because that's the honesty.

Apologies as I realise my posts are no longer directly about POM, but marriage counselling.

 

[TakeActionNow]

Coffee,

1.
thoughts are self fulfilling.
If we think only negatives, we will only see negatives, and our outcomes will surely be negative.
Thankfully the reverse is completely true. That is why positive thoughts are incredibly important.
- I am great !
- I am the best !
- I can do it !
- I want this !
These are positive thoughts and word. Please verbalize them as often as you want.
As cliche as they seem , these simple words have dragged me out of depression many times.
I cannot emphasize how important they are to improving outlook and mindset.

2.
"We were both wondering if what we are doing is realistic."
You'll never know until you've tried.

3.
The true reason why we are here is never about PMO
PMO is always a consequence of something deeper unresolved within us.

For me, my journaling helped me discover and come to terms that it is actually depression and its related insecurities i am dealing with.
That is the root cause of my PMO.
Only after finding out the root can I start proper, meaningful and effective recovery.

For you, your journaling helped revealed your marriage concerns.
Perhaps that is it or perhaps there are deeper issues, like depression, that you might be facing.
You have to make the hard effort to discover for yourself what is truly blocking you from honest reality living.
Only then can your recovery and a life of truly honest and happy living begin.

So, I dont believe PMO and sex are all that matters here on this forum.
All the best and most meaningful journals here talk about regaining their life, not their erections.
Making us complete human beings again is more important.

You are on the right path. Let no other nor yourself tell you otherwise.
take care my friend.

 

[Coffeenut]

Day 41.
TAN totally agree, its never just about pom.

Healing is the new word. Allowing healing to occur. Sometimes you don't need to do too much.

I have decided frequent loving moments which DON'T lead to sex/intimacy are GOOD. They will retrain my brain.

This will be tough. I have to do it though.