chiefmitch88
Active Member
It's time to fess up and leave it all on the table.
I'm Mitch, I'm 30.
I was introduced to porn around the age of 8 by a neighborhood cohort. I was enthralled the moment I saw that penthouse even though I likely had no clue what was occurring on those pages. Around the age of 12 I would often raid the porn stashes of the people I knew that had them. My older brother, my uncle, my grandfather, friends, etc. I would steal their magazines and keep them under my mattress. At the age of 15 we finally got a home computer with dial up. It was intoxicating to have that much porn just a click away. By the time I was 16 I was lying about my age and engaging in cyber sex. The themes became more extreme by the time I was 18. Mostly dom/sub & bdsm fantasies were being played out.
Then I went off to college and encountered high speed internet in the dorms. If I wasn't studying I was PMO'ing. That went on through my entire college career, I neglected personal relationships and social opportunities to get my fix without all the drama that was occurring back at home between my parents who had their own marriage issues when we all left the nest. I remained a virgin until the age of 26. I didn't want to give myself to someone who didn't live up to my ridiculous standards.
Finally, out of the blue, I met the woman who would become my wife. Katie. I think I started to understand my problem on our first date. We had a wonderful night, we were so intoxicated with each other that we attempted to have sex. Needless to say, I failed miserably from PA and PIED. I had even PMO'ed before the date just in case a sexual encounter would happen so I could "last longer." But we liked each other, she was patient with me and we tried again, I lost the v-card a couple days after my 26th b-day. Our courtship was great, even despite the fact that I couldn't perform with a condom. She had an IUD put in to accommodate me. I cut out the cyber sex and significantly reduced my PMO'ing. We maintained a strong relationship even when she moved a few hours away. I would visit often and we'd use the phone and video chatted every night to stay in touch. 10 months after our first date we got married.
I would try hard to keep myself away from porn but I would always relapse. When our relationship got bad and I was trying to cope with stress I reverted to the cyber sex again about a year ago. She was dealing with anxiety and depression herself and I work two jobs. So I self medicated with porn and hoped she'd figure things out on her own. Turns out she felt alone in the relationship and she felt me being emotionally distant. Right around the time I was starting to understand that I was numbing myself with porn, marijuana and alcohol she was seeking comfort from another man. She ended up kissing him and they discussed the possibility of an affair but thankfully her conscience saved her from making that choice.
Some days I feel like giving up, but her love inspires me to try again. She has stayed when most people wouldn't. October will mark out 4th anniversary and I am so concerned we won't make it. We have been seeing a marriage councilor and I am beginning to own up to my mistakes. I am humbled everyday by her strength and her ability to love in spite of all the hardships in her life and her past.
I want so desperately to experience what life is like without this crutch I have been leaning on all these years.
I'm Mitch, I'm 30.
I was introduced to porn around the age of 8 by a neighborhood cohort. I was enthralled the moment I saw that penthouse even though I likely had no clue what was occurring on those pages. Around the age of 12 I would often raid the porn stashes of the people I knew that had them. My older brother, my uncle, my grandfather, friends, etc. I would steal their magazines and keep them under my mattress. At the age of 15 we finally got a home computer with dial up. It was intoxicating to have that much porn just a click away. By the time I was 16 I was lying about my age and engaging in cyber sex. The themes became more extreme by the time I was 18. Mostly dom/sub & bdsm fantasies were being played out.
Then I went off to college and encountered high speed internet in the dorms. If I wasn't studying I was PMO'ing. That went on through my entire college career, I neglected personal relationships and social opportunities to get my fix without all the drama that was occurring back at home between my parents who had their own marriage issues when we all left the nest. I remained a virgin until the age of 26. I didn't want to give myself to someone who didn't live up to my ridiculous standards.
Finally, out of the blue, I met the woman who would become my wife. Katie. I think I started to understand my problem on our first date. We had a wonderful night, we were so intoxicated with each other that we attempted to have sex. Needless to say, I failed miserably from PA and PIED. I had even PMO'ed before the date just in case a sexual encounter would happen so I could "last longer." But we liked each other, she was patient with me and we tried again, I lost the v-card a couple days after my 26th b-day. Our courtship was great, even despite the fact that I couldn't perform with a condom. She had an IUD put in to accommodate me. I cut out the cyber sex and significantly reduced my PMO'ing. We maintained a strong relationship even when she moved a few hours away. I would visit often and we'd use the phone and video chatted every night to stay in touch. 10 months after our first date we got married.
I would try hard to keep myself away from porn but I would always relapse. When our relationship got bad and I was trying to cope with stress I reverted to the cyber sex again about a year ago. She was dealing with anxiety and depression herself and I work two jobs. So I self medicated with porn and hoped she'd figure things out on her own. Turns out she felt alone in the relationship and she felt me being emotionally distant. Right around the time I was starting to understand that I was numbing myself with porn, marijuana and alcohol she was seeking comfort from another man. She ended up kissing him and they discussed the possibility of an affair but thankfully her conscience saved her from making that choice.
Some days I feel like giving up, but her love inspires me to try again. She has stayed when most people wouldn't. October will mark out 4th anniversary and I am so concerned we won't make it. We have been seeing a marriage councilor and I am beginning to own up to my mistakes. I am humbled everyday by her strength and her ability to love in spite of all the hardships in her life and her past.
I want so desperately to experience what life is like without this crutch I have been leaning on all these years.