To Enlightenment - Day 21

[Stryder27]

Hello, it's me again. This isn't the first time I am here, but I have relapsed and succumbed into darkness yet again.

Things went south real fast when I couldn't satisfy my ex-girlfriend through sex and it got even worse when we got into arguments. I didn't feel as confident, I had trouble searching for my words and I couldn't express myself. I didn't feel like a man at all, but all of that is behind me and I am living the present. I want to grab life by the horns and not let myself be intoxicated by this disease.

Now, I am not looking for any relationships. I have a friend that I see whenever we can and we both agreed that for now, we aren't looking for a relationship. We fooled around a bit today and I noticed how it couldn't lift up, unlike a few minutes ago while kissing her neck I was getting hard, but after we changed roles, it died out. I told mer my situation and she understood me completely. I am glad that she does.

This is after 4 days of not looking at Pornography.

So, this is my second battle. I was nearly close to defeating my problem, until it managed to pull out an Ultra move and K.O. me real hard. Now I am back. I've realized how writing a journal helps me a lot and I'm redoing it once more.

Wish me luck. I don't mind this being a long journey, but I will go through this to the very end.

 

[Stryder27]

5th day and I don't know what to think about how I am feeling now. Sometimes when I am in the shower, I have dirty thoughts about my past experiences with other women in bed and I get a hard on, but lately I don't even bother. It appears for a second, then my mind switches to something else.

Anyway, I had a long shift at work - 12 hours to be exact and that's going to be the case for the next 13 days (not only 12 hour shifts, but I'll be working constantly). I got back home, played a bit of Street Fighter, chatted with my friends via texting and eventually decided to get to bed and write my journal.

Perhaps I'll read a few documents here on this website before I knock out... but honestly, I feel like my libido is suddenly absent. I know it occurs at some point during the recovery, but I didn't imagine it so soon (if this is actually the "flattening" phase). This is only my 5th day.

 

[Stryder27]

"What the hell is wrong with my body...? And it had to be there."

That's what I asked myself when I was about to take a shower and noticed some dried liquid spot on my boxers. It had a little tint of white on it and my penis was semi-glued against it. Pretty weird and disgusting, but I got slightly worried. If this happened to anyone else, give me a sign.


Aside of that, been working literally all day, texted a few girls and one wanted to hear my voice. I was getting a little hard on while speaking to her. I wasn't shy at all. I was saying pretty much anything without holding back (while being respectful of course) and made her laugh a few times.

 

[Stryder27]

Not much going on here. I'm always working and I barely have any time for myself. I do sleep with the computer beside me, but all I do is watch streaming videos of Maximillian_Dood playing Injustice with subscribers. I don't seem to have thoughts of going on the internet and look up for porn (I have one fetish that is actually annoying me and it's still present, yet I seem to push it away. It's effin' hard, however).

I seem to be eager to write down in my journal because so far, it's going smoothly... I know that I will be challenged like before. All I can say is that I would like to have a woman by my side. I speak with quite a good number of friends and I pretty much talk to them during the day via text. I don't do much sexting, but I'd say it doesn't interest me like before. Saturday I am going to a bbq and see an old co-worker who I found pretty hot back in the day and she still is. It should be fun to catch up with some lost time.

One point that I would like to mention is that for the past weeks, I'm always looking for something to do during the night. I don't like staying inside and play Street Fighter for example. I tend to get bored, linger on the net and stumble into dirty porn thoughts... and then I succumb into it. Lately, I just want to get in bed and watch a few videos until I pass out.

I should be doing those kegel exercises whenever it comes to mind. I tried getting hard in the shower once and I realized how strong the erection was. It really stood up high.


I'm pretty much writing down everything that comes to mind now. I really want my life back and gain much more confidence in me instead of being hesitant when the sex opportunity rises because of my ED. It frustrates me when I think about it and this is a bad thing, because it actually gets into my head too much. Consequently, it won't help the cause when i'm in bed with a woman.

It's getting late and I feel like I could write much more, but I'll be heading to work early and get everything prepared for the incoming day. The big sale continues on once again.

 

[Stryder27]

So, yet another day of work this morning all the way up to 5pm, but before all of that, I got a message from one of my friends saying that she was in the need of sex... and that was at 5 am in the morning. Needless to say is that it woke me up and I in return wanted some sex too.

After work, me and my co-workers went out to play pool since someone is forced to quit her job due to her switching schools. I played pool (I sucked dearly), drank, smoked a bit and I took it cool afterward. I was the designated driver and the rest were pretty drunk. I was the only one not really in the party mood, but the rest wanted to go see strippers. Honestly, the women there weren't that great...

It's 3 am right now and I am about to knock out. I was mostly not in the mood to party because after all of my hours of work, I was exhausted.

So far, all of my journal entries are about me being tired because of work =/.

 

[Stryder27]

Same old... Always working, feeling tired, fed up with the routine. Been talking to my friends via text during work.

My friend came by to visit though and decided to sleep over. I noticed how much happier he is now and it's probably due to his break up. I feel like he is much more himself.

I still got a weird dried up spot on my boxers when I went to the bathroom today. This is the 3rd time and I would like to know if this is normal during the reboot. I've never seen this before (or maybe I never noticed it before). It's dry with a faint white color...

 

[Stryder27]

I think I have skipped enough days now. I've been rather busy, but with good reasons.

Tuesday evening, I hung out with one of my friends who I've known for a very long time and we sorta dated a few months back. We were supposed to go see a movie in theatres, but we came in too late. So, we went to my place, did that, stayed up really late and I was falling asleep. I invited her to sleep over and when I wasn't expecting it, we had sex. Now, I am still in recovery, yet I still got a decent erection. It lasted for more than an hour, the sensation I had was amazing and I eventually came. She was happy and so was I, but I knew I could personally do much better.

These days all I want to do is to be with women. I don't do that many approaches, but women approach me. My friend says it's the confidence level I emit and the energy that surrounds me. Not gonna lie, but my confidence level has increased a lot. I enjoy having nice conversations with others. One thing though is that my working hours are getting in the way. I feel so exhausted.

 

[Stryder27]

Wow. It's been too long. Alright where to begin.

This week I did 68.5 hours at work and honestly, I never knew I could have succeeded. I felt in top shape, I was moving around the store, always looking for something to do and I felt like a perfectionist. Despite the lack of sleep I had on a few days, I felt very active. I didn't feel that exhausted and I was very confident with everything I was doing. I felt like Superman.

I feel as if ever since I stopped porn, i've been improving myself so much more. I've been talking to girls online like it was no thing and without me asking, they offer me their number. Women now come to me aside of me going towards them. Of course, I do start the first conversation, but I have no problems continuing it. I even got invited to a party, but unfortunately I already had plans with my best buddy.

It's unfortunate that I can't go out due to my lack of free time, but at the same time it's a good thing. All I did was focus on myself at work and get the job done. That was it. I had a few moments of slacking off because of the work load and grabbing a break later on, but wow... I don't know how to explain it but I felt amazed with myself and I want this to continue with my work, University... everything!


Now, I won't say that I have recovered, but I can feel my true self emerging. I know I can improve. The only thing that I am scared about is if I have too much time on my hand, I MIGHT linger back into my dirty thoughts (thoughts of women who I have already done it with) and end up touching myself... which is something that I don't want. Porn is out of the question of course, but I have these tiny urges of masturbating. I just need to preoccupy myself and go to bed early.