Partners of PA's Let me know ...

[AnonymousAnnaXO]

Hey guys, so I haven't been on here in a bit with life getting so busy. This summer has been crazy, literally. With the pregnancy, wedding, school, my new blog, and landing a new online magazine job, my time has escaped me. My blog addresses many things and I have what I call "Married Monday" posts where I use psychology to benefit married couples or even people in long term relationships. I've always been a writer, and have written books before but never published them. Through writing for my blog and getting the magazine job I was inspired. I am inspired to write an ebook (that might possibly be available in paperback form) about surviving porn addiction as a partner. I have idea's written down, and I was wondering for you guys as partners, what has been the most beneficial key things and steps you took in recovering not only yourself but the relationship?

I know I'll be talking about discovery versus disclosure, the lying, the feelings of being betrayed, setting boundaries, and regaining your sexuality, but I would love to hear from you guys some aspects that truly helped during the journey (and I know most of you are still in this journey and might be near the beginning). What personally helped you get through the trauma of discovery/disclosure? What helped you be able to move forward in communication? What helped you heal yourself and regain your identity, etc.

So thank you to all those who respond!

 

[Emerald Blue]

Anna, great to see you around and so glad things are going so well right now. Long may your successes continue!

From experience, most of what I know of my partner's PA was through discovery, and I really had to go through every device, memory card, phone, everything, just to get as accurate an idea of the extent and reach of his behaviour as I could. He disclosed very little. Had I relied on his account I wouldn't have had an accurate idea. I accept that I may not know everything and I also accept that I may never know the whole story. But it may be the case that I do know all there is. It's taken me a long time to live with a certain degree of dissonance. It sounds odd but accepting that dissonance is part of the healing process, certainly for the recovery of the relationship

I would far rather have had full disclosure early on. I was able to accept what he disclosed without too much pain, where as the drip-drip-drip of discovering something then discovering something else, then something else after that was too much. What made it worse was that my discoveries usually revealed that he had lied or he would deny all knowledge of it. So he didn't make it easy for me.

Disclosure is far more preferable to the discovery/denial experience because every time a lie is used to deny what really happened there is a further erosion of trust. For someone to flat out deny something and then evidence comes to light that exposes the lie, well, you end up not being able to trust anything you are told because you have no way of telling the difference between what's true and what's a lie and that's a really difficult place to find yourself. You can't build a successful relationship on deception because a healthy relationship can't function without trust.

So what helped? The best thing was my partner quitting porn, and he has done so successfully. That makes a huge difference. After that, it's communication. I'm not certain that we're there yet as far as good communication skills are concerned. In fact I know there's a lot of room for improvement and I want to keep working on that. My partner had been hiding behind deception for so long he just doesn't get honesty and openness. I think he sees openness as something that makes him too vulnerable. So it's an ongoing issue but I want to work to resolve it.

One of the biggest stumbling blocks has been his loss of empathy. I'd like to think he was an empathetic person in the past but his PA went on for 15-20 years and that's a lot of time when it was 'normal' to operate from a position of deception. I guess it was his "normal" and that doesn't change overnight. I can only try to show him how it could be if he just let this baggage go.

My husband is a very complicated person. VERY complicated. His upbringing was off the scale, even compared to most 'difficult' childhood experiences. He never really knew "normal". It was very probably the reason for his PA. I suspect that's why I find this whole experience so draining. I was pretty much left to do all the work of recovering the relationship singlehandedly (not ideal) and I feel quite isolated trying to work on my own recovery when a bit of support from my partner would have been appreciated. I feel like I've moved heaven and earth to understand his situation and learn about how porn addiction affects the people caught up in it, but he hasn't offered me anything like the support I've given him. But then, we read about this very trait in the recovery books, don't we? That addicts cannot offer us much support because they have never developed emotional maturity.

So, it's a work in progress. To any partner of a PA, I can't emphasise enough the importance to take care of your own needs and work on your own recovery. If you need support, find a sympathetic therapist.

I hope this helps. X

 

[AnonymousAnnaXO]

Thank you Emerald! Your responses are always honest and insightful! Also with communication, side note, my husband and I started couples EFT (Emotionally Focused Therapy) and it has done wonders for our communication. I would highly recommend any couple, especially with addiction, to look into that type of therapy because it focuses on feelings and being able to identify the emotion you feel in the moment. At first, my husband wasn't able to identify too much but now that it's been 3 months he has been able to identify a lot more and we communicate much better and much more civilly.

I also agree that the "trickle" disclosure was the worst aspect and probably most traumatic due to the thinking you're safe, and then, bam, out of nowhere more information to process. And yes, I agree that individual recovery is extremely important!

I basically am starting the book off with acknowledgements (to all the partners and helpful PA's on here and on nofap), then an introduction section, explaining my own personal story, and then devlving into chapter 1 which I think I'll talk about what it's like before the discovery (i.e. what were signs that things were off, did you feel there was something not right, etc. and how important it is to listen to your intuition).

 

[aquarius25]

For me, I have noticed that the conscious awareness of goals and what we are working towards and looking forward gave me hope. I needed, and still, need hope. I have found when I look at the back and focus on what I feel was taken through lies, then I get angry and that builds resentment. For me, the hope has been the one thing that got me through the hard days. If I didn't have a partner who was working with me to create goals and work together to support each other, then I am not sure I would have been able to have that hope. I also found it incredibly important for my healing to know and have the reassurance that he was trying to understand my hurt. If the times that he was dismissive of my hurt, that was a huge setback. On the days when he would seek to understand I would feel really encouraged. Communication, so big! Character building, integrity, honesty, authenticity! Those are must haves in our relationship. Without them, well its a deal breaker for me.

 

[AnonymousAnnaXO]

Thanks Aquarius! It's true hope and having a partner who is working towards goals is very helpful. i find hope to be the one thing I hold onto in those rough times. I agree that having a partner who is willing to understand your pain is essential. Everything you mentioned I agree with!