Absolutely with you on all of this, Kimba. In the early weeks and months I went for nuclear option, lol. I absolutely went to town on every computer, hard drive, external HDs, USB key drives and even his camera's memory cards. All recordable and rewritable CDs and DVDs too. I searched through every DVD case, box set, or whatever, in case he'd hidden any DVDs. I used data recovery software to retrieve any recently deleted files. Everything I could search for I did. I searched for any files and folders that he might have made invisible. I examined all files that were large enough to be video files, because changing file extensions to a more "innocent" one, like a word processing document. You name it, I did it. I'm pretty good with computers so I'm not so easy to fool with lame innocent-sounding excuses. For anyone who feels she has to this, I suggest googling for articles that tell people how to "hide your files from prying eyes" or something like that, because they tell you how to unhide the files too. 8)
I would also say that in early trauma it's natural to keep wanting to return to the scene of the crime. We keep going back to make sense of it. And I would also say categorically that we have the right to know what's been going on in our relationship especially if we are being hurt or damaged by our partner's behaviour. We have the right to make an informed decision about our life, and that includes whether we stay in a relationship or not, based on accurate and truthful information. If I had full disclosure early on, I might not have had to go as far with the computer forensics but once someone thinks that all they have to do is lie their way out of a situation of their own making, you don't know what else they have been lying about. And once you've been gaslighted by someone who makes out YOUR the problem, then it becomes important to tell the truth apart from the lies. Because they both look the same, and by that time your intuitive compass is going haywire and you can't trust your own judgment. So, what's your only option? You take matters into your own hands and you look for any information that tells you what was going on. You don't find everything but you might just find enough clues to create a more accurate picture.
But eventually there is a time to stop because this kind of activity is crazy-making. Do it, but know WHY you're doing it.
From Paula Hall's book, if I remember correctly, the way we react after d day isn't necessarily right or wrong, it just is. We reacted in the only way we could at that time. I very probably created more damage, and my partner certainly created more damage, and we both know we could have handled things better. The fact is, none of us behave like the perfect people that a self-help book would suggest! Real life is different. We only gain knowledge and understanding through experience and we all had to go through the experience, addicts and partners alike, to learn what we know now. Now, I don't live under a rock but I had no idea what porn addiction was until after d day, and suddenly my husband had an explanation for why he was compelled to use this stuff and feel like shit afterwards. But I had no idea that porn addiction was a thing.
Well done Kimba for getting this far. I can honestly say with hindsight that the first year is the worst. You've very probably done all the groundwork for your own recovery, but it doesn't really stop. As time passes I reach a new layer of pain, of emotion, etc. In many respects I've moved on from the porn issue and into the deeper emotions. Same with my partner, suddenly encountering the feelings he had to deep freeze to survive his family of origin and realising why he has so much trouble with true emotional connection. It's a journey but I'm determined to learn and grow from this experience.