Relapsed....feeling like $%*&

[dogtired]

So,

I'm 30 years old and i'm married. I finally realized what was causing my complete disinterest in sex with my wife (or really thinking about sex at all). After taking a step back and realizing I couldn't wait for her to go to sleep so I could PMO and that I had been doing so for years, I found YBOP and this forum back in February, and it was great.

I told my wife about everything, stopped cold turkey. no more watching porn, I promised. After 8-12 weeks things started getting better. I was getting aroused by my wife again. I had morning wood for the first time in 3 years. all great things. For the past 2.5 months I have been acting like a horny teenager and eager to have sex all the time and my wife has been into it as well, loving my "new found interest" in her.

Last night I went to my old fav website, watched the first video i saw and PMO'ed. I did it again tonight, thinking that since i already did it last night, whats the big deal? 6 fucking months I was able to go without porn and out of the blue I went back like it was nothing.
I don't know why it happened. There was no trigger. I wasn't thinking about porn and went with it (not consciously at least) but somehow i ended up on a website I didn't want to be on and it was too late.

I feel like a huge piece of shit. I've never really appreciated addiction. I'm still feeling the endorphin rush now from an hour ago. I want it to stop. I know there's nothing to do but to start all over again but now I'm concerned that i'll just relapse again.

I can't tell my wife. It was embarrassing enough telling her about everything the first time and promising i will never watch it again.

Will this relapse ruin all of the progress that it has taken me 6 months to accomplish?  I'm terrified its going to be like it was 6 months ago and I won't be "up" for it like I have been recently. Things have been going so well. I can't describe how shitty I feel right now.

I would welcome any advice or comments. Just writing this had been somewhat cathartic since I can't share it anywhere else.

Thanks

 

[Whiskey Dick]

Far be it from a relapsed noob like myself to chime in, but do you think it's possible, after 6 months, you thought you were invincible? Like you could look at porn and not be affected?

 

[anonguy031]

I'm new t the board, but I can associate with not being able to wait until your wife went to bed to be able to PMO. (A thought more for myself than anything: in retrospect, she was laying right there! What a messed up addiction).

While I can't speak to whether your slip will undo all of the progress you've made, I will say that the most important thing is that you caught yourself and stopped again. This is my 4th crack at getting "sober", and I know how easy it can be to slip up, say "fuck all, I already threw it all away, what's the difference now?". You stopped, you reached out for support, and you're not trying to rationalize what happened. These are all things to be proud of.

They say that smoking is as addictive as heroine. I quit smoking after 2 tries, and again, this is try number FOUR from PMO. This stuff is hard, but you got back on the horse, and you had 6 months under your belt - no small feat. You have the tools, you can do it again. It's easy to drop the vigilance after a while, (Oh, one smoke while I'm at the bar is OK). You're just back on your toes now.

Best of luck!

 

[dogtired]

Far be it from a relapsed noob like myself to chime in, but do you think it's possible, after 6 months, you thought you were invincible? Like you could look at porn and not be affected?

Weepy Willy, I definitely think that is possible. I know i was not consciously thinking "i'm over this now, lets watch some porn" but I'm sure it had something to do with it. 

Well, either way the answer is pretty clear. I AM NOT invincible. This was very humbling (and shameful and embarrassing) but humbling for me. 

 

[dogtired]

I'm new t the board, but I can associate with not being able to wait until your wife went to bed to be able to PMO. (A thought more for myself than anything: in retrospect, she was laying right there! What a messed up addiction).

While I can't speak to whether your slip will undo all of the progress you've made, I will say that the most important thing is that you caught yourself and stopped again. This is my 4th crack at getting "sober", and I know how easy it can be to slip up, say "fuck all, I already threw it all away, what's the difference now?". You stopped, you reached out for support, and you're not trying to rationalize what happened. These are all things to be proud of.

They say that smoking is as addictive as heroine. I quit smoking after 2 tries, and again, this is try number FOUR from PMO. This stuff is hard, but you got back on the horse, and you had 6 months under your belt - no small feat. You have the tools, you can do it again. It's easy to drop the vigilance after a while, (Oh, one smoke while I'm at the bar is OK). You're just back on your toes now.

Best of luck!

Thanks Anon,

I will say that this morning I started getting worried since I was limp and have had no desires all day, but I don't honestly know what I expected after less than 12 hours.

The smoking comparison is right on. I was able to quit smoking fairly easily and never had to fight down an urge like I do for this. Like you said, what a messed up addiction.

Thank you for the support. Day one is almost in the books and this time I'd like to think I can "kick"it for good.
Definitely posting on here more frequently will be the way to go, that is something I got away from very quickly last time and it was obviously a huge mistake.

Good luck with your journey as well.

 

[dogtired]

5 days in.

Have not had any strong desires to  PMO or watch anything.

So far it seems that I have lost a lot of the physiological progress I had made over the past  6 months.

I have not been interested in sex with my wife all week, nor have I been able to get aroused at all. no more morning wood, almost no sensation at all. Pretty much square one.

although things have been a little bit better in the past day and a half so hopefully that is a sign of something good. Feel awful for my wife since while 1 week is fine, if this keeps up for another few weeks it will be like it was before and thats not fair to her.

I want to be interested. Just not getting the message through to the rest of me.

Here's to hoping there is progress tomorrow.

 

[anonguy031]

Dogtired, im going to sound like i know everything here, and i damned sure dont.

In my whole 8 days without PMO one of then things I'm amazed by is the mind-body connection part of what we are fighting. Its surprising to me how much I need to "get out golf my own head" to try and avoid the physical issues. Almost like I need to meditate or achieve some sort of inner peace before I can put the moves on the misses. I know the guilt you feel of relapsing and not being able to perform today when you could last week- it can be paralysing.

Try to leave asuch of your addiction and the related mental stuff that comes with it outside the bedroom if you can. This has seemed to help my physical as well.

I've also created a rule for myself that worked OK last week. If I want to PMO, I will try to be physical with my wife instead. I made sure she knows whether I get up or off isnt the point, that my being with her and making her feel good is. Hoping to take my brain from "trigger, lust, PMO, guilt" to "trigger, I love my wife, she's hot, let's see what fun we can have with no pressure, satisfaction".

I hope this helps, and stay strong- you are not your addiction.

 

[dogtired]

Ok. So its been two weeks.

First things first, I can say fairly definitively that in answer to my original fear/concern/question "YES" PMO'ing once after 6 months does reset your brain and body back to zero. Its terrible.

I'm almost at square one in terms of my responsiveness down there and sexual interest. By the kicker here is last time, I didn't realize this was going on, I didn't know I couldn't feel anything down below because I didn't know about my addiction and physiological problems. I just watched porn and was fine.

But now, I am aware 24/7 that as best I try, I can't feel even a stir when thinking about sex with my wife, or even a normal fantasy ( I am very careful not to start fantasizing about porn). I'm angry at myself and angry at my body. If I was alone, then i'd just wait it out. pass the time over the next few months and get back to where I was.

What's killing me is being married. 2 nights ago my wife initiated, which she hasn't done in a while and we had sex. and it was just like the old days, I barely felt it and I wasn't fully hard. But she didn't know that (or didn't let on) so now I feel even worse since I can't do that very often and try as I may, I'm not going to have the same passion or interest as before.

I hate being conscious of the fact that I can't get my dick to work without porn. and every now and then, when I get tempted by something, a music video or a picture, things that last time around did not trigger any urges or sexual gratification like porn did, i start to get that creeping dopamine rush feeling and have to squash it out. So now I have more triggers than ever and I am worried that the fact that I still get the dopamine rush or that one would be coming means my mind/body have not made any progress yet.

I would like to say that despite what I am writing, I am not depressed or in a bad way, this just gives me an opportunity to vent how I feel since I can't say it anywhere else. I'm angry at myself and more motivated than ever to get back to where I was, and it blows.


Obviously I can't make the process go quicker, but I hate being so aware this time around. I hate not being able to feel anything or have sexual interest in my wife. I hate not sharing this with her (again). I hate this addiction.