10 Year Struggle - My Current Status and Goals

[sempervirilis]

Day 62 | November 14, 2017

Solid energy in the morning, strong MW, feel confident generally. We'll see how the day progresses!

 

[sempervirilis]

Day 63 | November 15, 2017

Got in a little tiff with the gf again, and can't help, but think that those couple days of seeing P related content are what helped do it. Feeling more on track today and feeling great. This process really has been amazing to go through and look back on.

 

[sempervirilis]

Day 64 | November 16, 2017

Morning fellas - brief check in. Mood is good, feeling stable, slept deeply last night, but woke up early. Some waking fantasy, but quickly dissipated. Cheers.

 

[sempervirilis]

Relapse | Day 0, November 26, 2017

Well boys, it wasn't a 'full' relapse, but for anyone who had been following my journal - I had a few days where I went back to P and some M for a few days here and there, never to O and never for that long, BUT I want to hold myself accountable. I made it all the way to like 60 days clear and clean and I can do it again. I feel fine, nothing has changed, but if I'm gonna do this, I'm doing it right and my way. Back to Day 0. No more craigslist ads and BS like that.

Holidays were hard with family...really hard, and I caved under the stress of it all...again, not completely, but more than I want in my life. Secretly looking at random personal ads is a self destructive behavior, there I said it. It's not my best man, so heres to round II.

I may try a different style this time around. I'm thinking of writing just every friday, to help myself through the weekend, stay on track, but leave myself space to forget about this process and be fully present. We'll see how it goes. Will probably write each day for the first week.

Thanks for the support men.

 

[sempervirilis]

Day 1 | November 27, 2017

Feeling good, solid energy and mood. Have noticed that after the 50-55 day mark, mood swings were dramatically less (from like every 2-3 days to every couple weeks). I'll be watching to see how looking at P and Ming before (without O) will affect this in the first few days and beyond. The behavior I'm counting as unacceptable Ming at all to P, PMO in general, looking at P without Ming. Generally, I want to keep my sexual pursuits to my girlfriend and our relationship, no side looking at P sites or bull shit like that. Setting up some goals for this Round II:

Goal 1: 10 Days
Goal 2: 30 Days
Goal 3: 45 Days
Goal 4: 60 days
Goal 5: 90 days
Goal 6: Reassess on February 25th, 2018 (90 days from today)

 

[sempervirilis]

Relapse | Day 0, November 28, 2017

Had a really bad day today...again not a full relapse, but the stress from this past holiday is still weighing me down. Will be back home tomorrow out of this mess and hopefully back on track...Do not want to jerk off all the good work I've done so far. Difficult but stepped away and will check in again tomorrow.

This really sucks.

 

[sempervirilis]

Day 2 | November 30, 2017

Back home and back in my routine - away from the craziness of my family and it feels GOOD. Also back at work and back into a better state of mind. I learned a big lesson that I need to do a better job of coping with the stress going on in my family right now and help bring some of the resilience I've developed over the past couple months into all situations in my life.

 

[sempervirilis]

Day 3 | December 1, 2017

Day 3, feeling good, love making in the morning - energy stable, nice crisp fall day. Will be traveling over the weekend so will check in Monday for Day 6.

 

[elephantricity]

Yeah I had my first relapse on Thanksgiving. Funny how family gatherings can bring out our addictions. Just have to go into those situations expecting urges and have steps in place to fight them.

 

[sempervirilis]

Yeah I had my first relapse on Thanksgiving. Funny how family gatherings can bring out our addictions. Just have to go into those situations expecting urges and have steps in place to fight them.

you are correct my friend!

 

[sempervirilis]

Day 10 | December 8, 2017

Going strong, have had some mood swings and a bit of anxiety, but normal after having a relapse...trying out not spending as much time on here during the process, but will check in as needed and when milestones hit - cheers fellas.

 

[sempervirilis]

Day 20 | December 18, 2017

Just checking in for 20 days. Cheers boys.

 

[sempervirilis]

Day 35 | January 2 , 2018

Happy New Year Everybody!

 

[sempervirilis]

Day 45 | January 12, 2018

Checkin, wet dream early this morning, libido somewhat down (counter intuitive ha). Cheers! Still having some trouble keeping away from craigslist perusing...again no masturbation to it, but have checked twice in the 45 day period. Going to try and break it up into 5 day increments, new short term goal - make it to Day 50 without and see how it feels.

 

[sempervirilis]

Day 0 | January 12, 2018

Alright guys, so I haven't had any outright relapses involving M or O, but I have sought out and looked at P type material, almost exclusively on craigslist. I do my best to lock down my phone, but sometimes I have private access to a friends computer and my will power fluctuates over time and I take indulgences like this. I'm restarting my counter because I want to get more strict and accountable. I want my sex life to be in real life and for fantasy, if I have them, to be part of my mind and not something I seek on a computer. Real life, real life, real life.

Anyone have some advice on this? I'm closer than I've ever been, and want to kick this habit to the curb! Barring breaking my friends computer, not sure what I should do?

 

[sempervirilis]

Day 0 | January 22, 2018

So fellas - I've a series of relapses recently and am sort of indifferent about it. Had a solid first run, but can't seem to muster up the interest in keeping this going. Relationship with my girlfriend is great, we've been having awesome sex, and then every week or so I'll have a major sit down and wank for a couple hours binge. I don't have any excuse except for not giving enough fucks about myself really. It wasn't even a huge draw to do it, I sort of just...did it. In any case, the friends computer who I've been using since all my own shit is on serious lock down agreed to change their password. Cheers to hoping that just won't leave me the opportunity and I can start to get this back on track. I do want the nofap lifestyle, just haven't been too serious about it lately. Anyone have any good words of wisdom for getting serious? Thanks.

Notes about Relapse

I looked at stuff and masturbated, but I didn't orgasm. In fact, I haven't ejaculated in probably over a month now. My girlfriend and I have been trying this tantra type of sex to better bond us together and it. has. been. fucking phenomenal. It's truly awesome for those who haven't tried it. Downside, is that even with all the progress I've made, my sex drive is satiated after we have sex, but the next day I'm fucking RARING. which is awesome for us, but when I have alone time, it definitely...makes not engaging it harder.