I'm a day 199, I haven't been on here in about a month due to the fact that my kids have been home with me through the summer along with my wife. My wife and kids have recently went back to school/work just this week, last two weeks I find myself looking at women on the streets more and feeling a lot more horny. I was hoping that at this time in my life [199 days] that I wouldn't be struggling, but I still am. My wife and I haven't been intimate in the last three years, due to the fact that I had an affair and now this porn issue doesn't help. I talk to her about how I feel, we are in counseling, I'm just hanging in there I guess. I thought I would reach out here and tell my story to help me realize what I'm doing. Some days I feel like going to get a prostitute and releasing myself with this lady just thinking that I would feel better after and I know I probably won't, but somewhere in my mind tells me that I would like it. I honestly need to feel a woman, I need the intimacy with a woman, and unfortunately my wife is not doing it for me due to the fact of MY issues.
Day 199 and still struggling
- Thread starter Whynot
- Start date
lyon03
Respected Member
Thanks for sharing so openly and honestly brother. Your honesty reminds me to be more honest and open in my own shares. I hope things improve with your wife. I'd urge you to share EVERYTHING here, which certainly helped me in my own reboot/recovery. Be well. PORN IS NOT AN OPTION.
lyon03
Respected Member
I think you're trying to rationalize brother. As Obi-Wan once said: "Only a Sith deals in absolutes." There was another rebooter here who tried to justify porn & cheating "because my wife is frigid." What he needed to understand was that cheating husbands who are addicted to porn, while lying about both, don't make their wives feel loved. You asked: "What's the difference if I am intimate with her my wife, or prostitute?" There is one big difference in my mind: money. Your wife wants to be intimate with you because she loves you. A prostitute is conducting nothing but a business transaction. I'm no angel my friend. I've used male escorts myself. But here's the deal: not one of the men I paid to have sex with me has emailed me, texted me, and you can bet that none of them will be coming to my funeral to say nice things about me. If you need some affection from a woman, why not start by showing some affection to your wife? Take the money you planned to spend on a hooker and buy a bottle of wine, some candles, massage oil, and then treat her to a relaxing evening. There is nothing affectionate nor intimate when you hire a sex worker because for them it's just another transaction. I hope that helps my friend. Lots of love. PORN IS NOT AN OPTION.
TakeActionNow
Respected Member
papa,
I'm really encouraged and inspired by your 200 day achievement.
But I find the root of your suffering is in your own words:
"all I want is a bit in return and I am not getting it. "
"All I want is a bit of release and affection"
1.
if you mind is set on reciprocity, you will surely fail
2.
however, you can determine what kind of emotional benefit you can give yourself.
Please try this:
understand the root nature of why you are craving for female companionship
for me it is because of lower self worth, self esteem and self endorsement.
somehow being with women makes me feel better. Like I am being accepted.
but, if i can over time learn to find worth and acceptance in myself, through recognition of my personal efforts and accomplishments, and focus on personal growth and learning, the need for external endorsement, the physicality of women becomes less important.
that in essence is real joy.
a degree of independence
harboring a craving that you cannot achieve causes immense personal pain.
answering that craving through temporary means denies you the opportunity to address your concerns properly, and keeps you from letting go and finding true happiness earlier.
will keeping a pet help?
will taking up a new hobby help?
letting go of self, keeping yourself busy, addressing your emotional discomforts properly are some solutions to keeping you happy and contented.
I'm really encouraged and inspired by your 200 day achievement.
But I find the root of your suffering is in your own words:
"all I want is a bit in return and I am not getting it. "
"All I want is a bit of release and affection"
1.
if you mind is set on reciprocity, you will surely fail
2.
however, you can determine what kind of emotional benefit you can give yourself.
Please try this:
understand the root nature of why you are craving for female companionship
for me it is because of lower self worth, self esteem and self endorsement.
somehow being with women makes me feel better. Like I am being accepted.
but, if i can over time learn to find worth and acceptance in myself, through recognition of my personal efforts and accomplishments, and focus on personal growth and learning, the need for external endorsement, the physicality of women becomes less important.
that in essence is real joy.
a degree of independence
harboring a craving that you cannot achieve causes immense personal pain.
answering that craving through temporary means denies you the opportunity to address your concerns properly, and keeps you from letting go and finding true happiness earlier.
will keeping a pet help?
will taking up a new hobby help?
letting go of self, keeping yourself busy, addressing your emotional discomforts properly are some solutions to keeping you happy and contented.
TakeActionNow
Respected Member
papa,
i read back your first post.
My feeling is what you need is not the touch of a woman, but the touch of love.
Here are some things for you to think about:
1. love does not have to come from external. the most important love is internal self love.
- not to be too hard on yourself
- find a purpose in your life and dedicate yourself towards it. happiness is having meaning
- learn to set goals and acknowledge achievements, however small
- take challenges. easy is never meaningful
- move away from the emotional self and move towards the achieving self
- take excellent care of yourself : eat/sleep/exercise/groom well.
- let go of yesterday; plan and act towards tomorrow.
your personal worth is never what you think others see in you. Its what you see and believe in yourself.
It is moving away from being needy to becoming a generous giving character.
2. ironically, giving love ceaselessly with no expectation of return is one form of receiving love
craving is like a deep hole that can never be filled, however the act of giving somehow makes us feel good about ourselves, and automatically fills up that craving hole.
love can be given in many forms:
- in the work that you do
- in the people that you meet
- volunteering
- engaging fully
- personal sacrifices.
3. To understand better your emotional struggles, please keep a daily journal.
write everything you feel down.
you may want to explore deeper the roots of its occurrence.
It is amazing what simple writing does to recognize , acknowledge, understand and plan a path toward recovery.
what it also does, is release you from whatever hurt you are holding on and transfer it to paper.
its very revealing and liberating.
4. Try breath meditation.
it teaches you to not engage with the noise in your head, and find peace within yourself.
purpose before person
i read back your first post.
My feeling is what you need is not the touch of a woman, but the touch of love.
Here are some things for you to think about:
1. love does not have to come from external. the most important love is internal self love.
- not to be too hard on yourself
- find a purpose in your life and dedicate yourself towards it. happiness is having meaning
- learn to set goals and acknowledge achievements, however small
- take challenges. easy is never meaningful
- move away from the emotional self and move towards the achieving self
- take excellent care of yourself : eat/sleep/exercise/groom well.
- let go of yesterday; plan and act towards tomorrow.
your personal worth is never what you think others see in you. Its what you see and believe in yourself.
It is moving away from being needy to becoming a generous giving character.
2. ironically, giving love ceaselessly with no expectation of return is one form of receiving love
craving is like a deep hole that can never be filled, however the act of giving somehow makes us feel good about ourselves, and automatically fills up that craving hole.
love can be given in many forms:
- in the work that you do
- in the people that you meet
- volunteering
- engaging fully
- personal sacrifices.
3. To understand better your emotional struggles, please keep a daily journal.
write everything you feel down.
you may want to explore deeper the roots of its occurrence.
It is amazing what simple writing does to recognize , acknowledge, understand and plan a path toward recovery.
what it also does, is release you from whatever hurt you are holding on and transfer it to paper.
its very revealing and liberating.
4. Try breath meditation.
it teaches you to not engage with the noise in your head, and find peace within yourself.
purpose before person
Strike a true path
Active Member
Some great ideas and suggestions from TAN.
Papa first off congratulations on the 200 days -you are obviously determined and well motivated to get this far along the road.
But now you find yourself feeling horny and drawn to the idea of hiring a prostitute.
Am I right in thinking that what you would REALLY like is to be sexually and emotionally intimate with your wife? I expect you are feeling frustrated at the lack of progress in this direction through the counselling and the rebooting.
If you go with a prostitute you will "get your rocks off" for sure, but you will not get any true intimacy with her.
But most importantly, do you think it would help you get the closeness you want with your wife? My guess is that once the thrill is over you will likely be left feeling empty, guilty and disappointed with yourself. If you tell your wife about it you will piss her off and drive her further away -yet if you don't tell her you will be holding yet another guilty secret and a feeling that you don't deserve her. this would also increase the emotional distance between the two of you.
I spose I am saying it may be best to keep your eyes on what you really want in your life, and ask yourself whether what you are doing (or thinking of doing) is likely to get you there. If you want to fix things between you and your wife you need to do things to build trust -and avoid the things that are likely to break down trust and dig you deeper into that lonely and frustrating hole you find yourself in.
Meanwhile maybe you could search for ways to help yourself through this craving? One way would be to ask for advice from the guys on this forum -you could raise the topic in the 'porn addiction' section of this forum. There are a lot of guys on here and we have a lot of experience between us us all!
All the best -Strike
Papa first off congratulations on the 200 days -you are obviously determined and well motivated to get this far along the road.
But now you find yourself feeling horny and drawn to the idea of hiring a prostitute.
Am I right in thinking that what you would REALLY like is to be sexually and emotionally intimate with your wife? I expect you are feeling frustrated at the lack of progress in this direction through the counselling and the rebooting.
If you go with a prostitute you will "get your rocks off" for sure, but you will not get any true intimacy with her.
But most importantly, do you think it would help you get the closeness you want with your wife? My guess is that once the thrill is over you will likely be left feeling empty, guilty and disappointed with yourself. If you tell your wife about it you will piss her off and drive her further away -yet if you don't tell her you will be holding yet another guilty secret and a feeling that you don't deserve her. this would also increase the emotional distance between the two of you.
I spose I am saying it may be best to keep your eyes on what you really want in your life, and ask yourself whether what you are doing (or thinking of doing) is likely to get you there. If you want to fix things between you and your wife you need to do things to build trust -and avoid the things that are likely to break down trust and dig you deeper into that lonely and frustrating hole you find yourself in.
Meanwhile maybe you could search for ways to help yourself through this craving? One way would be to ask for advice from the guys on this forum -you could raise the topic in the 'porn addiction' section of this forum. There are a lot of guys on here and we have a lot of experience between us us all!
All the best -Strike
lyon03
Respected Member
Thanks for sharing brother. Perhaps we should look at what you shared from a different perspective. Imagine if your wife posted here: "All I want is a bit of release and affection and I don't see what's the big deal by going to a gigolo? What's the difference if I am intimate with my husband, or an escort?" Your thoughts? PORN IS NOT AN OPTION.
MonkeyShark
Member
Can I ask, are you looking for affection or connection? Honor yourself first. Pros are no way to go. I used them for years and while I have a few fun memories, what I really was seeking was human connection. The odds aren't in your favor if you turn that need over to someone who you're paying.
Please don't take anything as criticism, it isn't meant that way. I respect your journey no matter your choice.
Please don't take anything as criticism, it isn't meant that way. I respect your journey no matter your choice.
lyon03
Respected Member
Thank you for sharing friend. No one is judging you here. Looking back at our previous exchanges, it appears that you'd already decided to see a prostitute so I can't say that it's a big shock. If however you now feel more shame, like I often did after I'd masturbated to porn, then I'd share your feelings here. Why? So that you have a reference point and honest opinion when the addiction itch comes back. I think it's common for rebooters to think, "I've made it 200 days, I DESERVE a little reward." So don't get too down on yourself. I'd suggest sharing honestly about it here and then starting over again. There is no such thing as perfect reboot/recovery. You're not alone. PORN IS NOT AN OPTION.
TakeActionNow
Respected Member
Truth be told, life is a journey.
Its not about the numbers. Its never about the numbers.
Its not about beating yourself up because of choices you've made.
Its all about learning. Its only about learning.
Please have a reread of your journal.
You've come a long way. That's improvement.
So you've slipped. I've slipped. Others have slipped.
Slipping is not the point here. Its what you've learned about yourself through this experience that matters. An action is just an activity in time, but an experience can redefine the person for the rest of their life.
Let this experience enrich you in understanding what goes on inside of you, what you plan for next, and what's important for you.
There is no such thing as good or bad experience, that's Perception. And perception is only an opinion, not a fact.
All that matters now is where this experience takes you to. I hope its growth and learning, not self punishment but better self love
Its not about the numbers. Its never about the numbers.
Its not about beating yourself up because of choices you've made.
Its all about learning. Its only about learning.
Please have a reread of your journal.
You've come a long way. That's improvement.
So you've slipped. I've slipped. Others have slipped.
Slipping is not the point here. Its what you've learned about yourself through this experience that matters. An action is just an activity in time, but an experience can redefine the person for the rest of their life.
Let this experience enrich you in understanding what goes on inside of you, what you plan for next, and what's important for you.
There is no such thing as good or bad experience, that's Perception. And perception is only an opinion, not a fact.
All that matters now is where this experience takes you to. I hope its growth and learning, not self punishment but better self love
lyon03
Respected Member
Do whatever works for you my friend but KEEPING TRYING. When I first joined this forum, I adopted a "porn is not an option" mentality and decided to do whatever it took to overcome my 20+ year porn habit. In the depths of my PMO addiction, I reckon I'd spend 3-4 hours a day fapping to x-rated videos. So logically it would take me 3-4 hours a day of doing recovery work to overcome the habit. For me that meant: reading books like "Your Brain on Porn" to learn all about my enemy, posting multiple times a day here, posting on www.pornaddictsanonymous.org, and exercise. Once I'd attacked my addiction from all angles, I just knew I'd make it. I hope that helps my friend. PORN IS NOT AN OPTION.